Tonight:
I made a big ole' pot of taco soup. Michael is not a big soup guy, so I usually get to craving it really good before I actually cook it. It was pretty good, if I do say so myself. I spoke to mama on the phone and she was still exhausted. She had been asleep practically since lunch, only waking up when I called. She didn't talk long before she let me go to return to her slumber. The fatigue has got her pretty good. After she let me go and we had supper I snuck off to take a shower. For whatever reason, I broke down horribly in the shower. I cried for the better part of 30 min, before sitting down to type this quick blog. Sometimes writing helps me. I don't even know where it came from. A build up of everything I guess. The main thing, my mind's obsession with reminding me of what could be. The storm came and passed. I survived. There is a lifetime more to come. I better find that umbrella.
Afternoon:
I decided I wanted a pot of soup to commemorate the yucky weather we have been having. I realized I needed a few things so I loaded up the kids and headed to the big town of Sandersville. First stop: Bob's. My go-to hamburger meat stop. It was still sprinkling and OF COURSE, I have everything in the car EXCEPT an umbrella. If we had needed old goldfish crackers or dried up french fries, I have an abundance. But no umbrella to be found. No doubt Neva and Nori have kicked off their shoes before we make it 6 miles from the house. So I begin to put shoes on, while standing in the rain. Then we head inside. The place was PACKED! I gathered what I needed while they gathered what they "needed". Neva finally gets it, the fact that you have to pay before you can eat. But Nori? No! She wants her chocolate opened NOW and there is no waiting. Well, I always refuse to give in and this always results in a meltdown. I generally just let her go. I know what people are thinking. I am kind of thinking it too. But I let her go. She was flat on the floor at one point and I could hear the thoughts in the room. "Open the chocolate!" "That child needs discipline!" "If that was my kid, I'd......". Once it is paid for, I IMMEDIATELY open the chocolate. I was strong. I made it. Next stop: Dollar General, to get everything that Bob's doesn't carry. OF COURSE, Neva and Nori kicked their shoes off.....AGAIN. After I put shoes on, I grab a card and the kids and head inside. No Purse. This place was equally packed. We spend about 10 min gathering up stuff and I allowed Neva to get a box of Dora The Explorer Gummy Candies. This is a little out of character for me. I don't usually let them get something TWO stores in a row. But I was feeling generous I guess (and I kind of wanted some gummies too!). Anyway TEN more min later we make it to the register. I swipe my card and it said "declined". I was certain it was their mistake. This has happened to me before and it was their machine. So he swiped it again. "declined". Well, I decided that I would wait in the other line, because obviously his machine was broken. TEN min later, I make it to the other register. I swiped and it said "declined". Wow. I know there is money on this card. But I have been on the other side of the counter when people blamed the machine. I always thought "RRRIIIIIIIIGGGHHHTTT, its the MACHINE. MMMMM HHHHMMMMM". So I knew there was nothing I could say. I had to walk ALL the way to the car WITH the kids to get some cash. The whole time the kids were screaming "MY GUMMIES! I WANT MY GUMMIES" like they had not had a meal in days. I don't know what was more embarrassing, the declined card or the starving children in tow. TEN min later, I paid and we left. The card is fine. It WAS their machine. It hates me and my card. I called mama and she was just waking up, again. She laughed at my story, though I was almost in tears. She actually laughed alot. When we got home I sat under the carport and watched the rain. The storm was inevitable with all the clouds I guess.
Today:
Mom had Ronnie to bring her to meet us at the park. She looked good walking from the truck to the park bench where I was sitting. She was smiling and seemed energetic. We watched as Ronnie pushed the kids on the swings. The kids took turns showing off their sliding skills, then we decided it was time to go pick up lunch. I had ordered pizza and calzones from Pasquale's. We grabbed our food and a couple drinks out of the machine then headed back to the park. Mom ate good! She said she had never had a calzone before. I love those things! The kids munched on pepperoni pizza. Neva always picks off the pepperoni because "It's spicy". Then we played for a while. I was worried about mama because she was trying to make every step that we made. It was ALOT of steps. I kept looking at her. She was smiling and laughing. Playing with the kids. I know her body hurts. I know she is tired. I've said it, I'll say it again, and no one will convince me otherwise: MY MAMA IS TOUGH. And she just so happens to be the best person I've ever met. I tried to read her body language and when I knew she had had enough, I rounded up the kids and we left. She stayed facing backwards the whole way home, singing and tickling the kids. They giggled the whole way to her house. We all hugged, kissed, said our "I love you's", then went our separate ways. It was nap time. For the girls. For mama as well. I drove home in the rain. Once we were home, it began to storm.
Morning:
I am NOT making biscuits this morning! Cheese toast it is! I spoke with the girls and we decided to take advantage of this cloudy day and go to the park. They were VERY excited so I called mom to check on her, told her about our plans and began to get ready. Looks like a storm's coming. But, I think it's going to be a good day today.
Me and my mom, my best friend.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
In The Mean Time
I watched her frail frame walk around the showroom floor. She looked so beautiful with her new hair-do. She was skinny. Too skinny. She was eyeing the colorful and shiny merchandise. Following close behind was a sharply dressed man. A true salesman he was, as he described only the "pros" and not any "cons" of what he had to offer her. She carefully walked around the room comparing the various makes and models. Then pointed to the one she wanted. She ran her hand down the shiny chrome and felt the fabric inside. She seemed satisfied. Unfortunately we could not drive away in her choice. We were not car shopping. We were casket shopping.
Things have been really great lately. I don't know if things are looking up, or if my mom is REALLY tough. Either way, she is surprising some folks with her resilience toward this disease and the medicine that treats it. I mean, we have bad days. Some days she is so tired that she doesn't get out of her pajamas. Some days she works hard to cook a meal that her body desires only to get it done and the smell turns her stomach SO BADLY that she can't eat it. But all in all, my mom is a total trooper. Her faith is unwavering. Her bravery astounds me. Her sense of humor (although sometimes inappropriate) is commendable. She is approaching her 6th and final chemo treatment before "the break". She has complete confidence that she will beat this disease. The subject recently came up about things she wanted to take care of soon. There was a long to-do list. The main one was paying for her funeral. When I offered to go with her, she said "you will? GOOD! I didn't want to go by myself". I knew I needed to go. I need to know what to do if ever I have to handle that kind of situation. So this morning we set off to tour a couple of Funeral Homes and compare prices.
When we pulled up at the first one we both hesitantly walked in the office door. We were greeted by a familiar face. It was a friend of mine's mom. She hugged us and asked mom how she was doing. It was a very warm welcome. When she asked how she could help us, my mom spoke her piece. I could tell that she added alot of info just to sugar coat the situation for me. I didn't mind. I needed a little sugar coating to be honest with you. "I have never bought a burial policy. I am fine and don't plan on going anywhere anytime soon, but I would like to go ahead and take care of this now. It's something I've been meaning to do". The nice lady pointed us in the direction of a sharply dressed man who would then take us around the facility and quote us some prices. I have been there many times. The feel of the air is cold and sad. The pretty decor cannot disguise the heartache and tears that those walls have with-held. "How did I get here?", I kept thinking to myself. I had to be strong. I had to pretend, if nothing else. I had to, FOR HER. She needs me now. I sat and listened as he described her options. My mom stopped him in his tracks when he began pitching super expensive packages her way. "I am not interested in anything fancy. I am not fancy. I want something simple. I won't even be here. I won't be in that box. I will be in Heaven", she declared with authority in her voice. I love that about my mom. Sometimes she talks too much and I want to shove a sock in her mouth. But I tell you what, you're ALWAYS going to know where she stands. I watched her and listened to her speak eloquently about how she wanted things to be. She was calm. So brave. I am envious. I want to be like that. My thoughts were interrupted by them standing and heading toward the "showroom". I followed close behind. We took an elevator to a higher floor. I couldn't help but notice that the temperature dropped 10 degrees or better when we got up there. I watched her walk around the room. I was silent. This was the hardest thing I've ever done. Seeing the coffins made my mind fast-forward to a dark day. It was all I could do to hold the tears in my eyes. I kept reminding myself to be strong for her. But I could feel my heart breaking without my permission. Finally after we were quoted a price, it was time to go. On the way out, we were hugged repeatedly by various people that knew us from mom's old job or the donut shop. Hugs do not mix well with a lump in your throat. I couldn't contain myself anymore. My emotions got the best of me. I was able to hide it from everyone by quickly walking to my car as they finished their "goodbye's". I turned it off pretty quickly before mom made it out there. But of course, Mama knew. She always does.
Today was tough. I am proud of my mom for being so responsible and courageous, even though I know with all of my heart that today was equally hard for her. Death is inevitable. It is part of life. One cannot exist without the other. I know "that day" is approaching....For ALL of us. In the mean time, I want to learn and love more. In the mean time, I want to pray harder and laugh heartier and enjoy my family. Time ticks away, seasons change, children grow, and we live. We can't wait sadly for the inevitable. Because what is happening "in the mean time" is LIFE. Let's live it.
Things have been really great lately. I don't know if things are looking up, or if my mom is REALLY tough. Either way, she is surprising some folks with her resilience toward this disease and the medicine that treats it. I mean, we have bad days. Some days she is so tired that she doesn't get out of her pajamas. Some days she works hard to cook a meal that her body desires only to get it done and the smell turns her stomach SO BADLY that she can't eat it. But all in all, my mom is a total trooper. Her faith is unwavering. Her bravery astounds me. Her sense of humor (although sometimes inappropriate) is commendable. She is approaching her 6th and final chemo treatment before "the break". She has complete confidence that she will beat this disease. The subject recently came up about things she wanted to take care of soon. There was a long to-do list. The main one was paying for her funeral. When I offered to go with her, she said "you will? GOOD! I didn't want to go by myself". I knew I needed to go. I need to know what to do if ever I have to handle that kind of situation. So this morning we set off to tour a couple of Funeral Homes and compare prices.
When we pulled up at the first one we both hesitantly walked in the office door. We were greeted by a familiar face. It was a friend of mine's mom. She hugged us and asked mom how she was doing. It was a very warm welcome. When she asked how she could help us, my mom spoke her piece. I could tell that she added alot of info just to sugar coat the situation for me. I didn't mind. I needed a little sugar coating to be honest with you. "I have never bought a burial policy. I am fine and don't plan on going anywhere anytime soon, but I would like to go ahead and take care of this now. It's something I've been meaning to do". The nice lady pointed us in the direction of a sharply dressed man who would then take us around the facility and quote us some prices. I have been there many times. The feel of the air is cold and sad. The pretty decor cannot disguise the heartache and tears that those walls have with-held. "How did I get here?", I kept thinking to myself. I had to be strong. I had to pretend, if nothing else. I had to, FOR HER. She needs me now. I sat and listened as he described her options. My mom stopped him in his tracks when he began pitching super expensive packages her way. "I am not interested in anything fancy. I am not fancy. I want something simple. I won't even be here. I won't be in that box. I will be in Heaven", she declared with authority in her voice. I love that about my mom. Sometimes she talks too much and I want to shove a sock in her mouth. But I tell you what, you're ALWAYS going to know where she stands. I watched her and listened to her speak eloquently about how she wanted things to be. She was calm. So brave. I am envious. I want to be like that. My thoughts were interrupted by them standing and heading toward the "showroom". I followed close behind. We took an elevator to a higher floor. I couldn't help but notice that the temperature dropped 10 degrees or better when we got up there. I watched her walk around the room. I was silent. This was the hardest thing I've ever done. Seeing the coffins made my mind fast-forward to a dark day. It was all I could do to hold the tears in my eyes. I kept reminding myself to be strong for her. But I could feel my heart breaking without my permission. Finally after we were quoted a price, it was time to go. On the way out, we were hugged repeatedly by various people that knew us from mom's old job or the donut shop. Hugs do not mix well with a lump in your throat. I couldn't contain myself anymore. My emotions got the best of me. I was able to hide it from everyone by quickly walking to my car as they finished their "goodbye's". I turned it off pretty quickly before mom made it out there. But of course, Mama knew. She always does.
Today was tough. I am proud of my mom for being so responsible and courageous, even though I know with all of my heart that today was equally hard for her. Death is inevitable. It is part of life. One cannot exist without the other. I know "that day" is approaching....For ALL of us. In the mean time, I want to learn and love more. In the mean time, I want to pray harder and laugh heartier and enjoy my family. Time ticks away, seasons change, children grow, and we live. We can't wait sadly for the inevitable. Because what is happening "in the mean time" is LIFE. Let's live it.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
It Just Can't Be Good.......
I don't know what's going on with me and my blogging. Everything is going pretty good and it turns out, the good is harder to write about than the bad! Nah, I think it's more like, everything is good, and I have nothing to rant about.
As I said in a previous post, we have been awaiting some test results that could change things dramatically. In a conversation with Amber, my sister in law, I revealed my feelings about the upcoming news. I said "I don't think any news that we get can be good news. It just can't be good." Either way it goes, the 6 cycles of chemo is about to end and then comes the waiting. It feels like we are waiting for it to grow back. Actually, that is exactly what we are doing. This whole thing had me scared and negative. I was dreading Monday and the news that it would bring.
Thursday:
Mom was feeling good, so she kept Neva while Nori and I took off to Hattiesburg to the Allergy Dr. After an hour wait and a consult with, quite fankly, the rudest Dr. EVER, I found out that Nori's reactions are probably related to viral infections. Meaning, there is really nothing that can be done about it. Nori behaved so well. I was so proud of her. The Dr, though he said he had been practicing for 27 years, had obviously never dealt with a one year old. I don't want to just keep bashing him, so I will end with "We are not going back". Though I left practically in tears, I felt better thinking that Nori and I got some alone time. During our long wait, I read her stories and tickled her and really soaked up our much needed QT. When I got back to moms, I found out that Neva had been to visit her cousins (Brady and Noah), she had been to the store to get a very large amount of candy, she had played outside and read a hundred stories. Basically, she had a blast. This made me feel good for both of them. This meant mom was doing good. AND it meant that Neva got her old Gammy back, at least for a day. I know she has been missing her.
Friday:
Mom felt great! She has been encouraging me to leave the girls more often, since she feels good. I have taken her up on her offer a couple of times. Friday was one of these times. I took Neva, just before mom was diagnosed, to her first movie, "HOP". It was an awesome experience. It was great to have one on one time with her. As most of you with multiple children know, it is hard to get one on one time that is uninterrupted by your other children. I vowed to make this a regular occurrence. To separate the girls once a week or every two weeks and give them "all of me". Then mom got sick. So, when she made the offer, I took her up on it. I left Nori with her and Neva, Noah, Amber and I took off to the Grand Theater in Hattiesburg to see the new Winnie the Pooh movie. We met my cousin Kristen and her son Cutter ( he's the same age as Neva and Noah). We had a GREAT time. It was nice to see my little worry wart, over thinker let loose and giggle like she should.
When I got back to mom's, I found out that Nori, also, got the special "Gammy Treatment". They had a great time and mom still felt good. All in all, it was a GREAT day!
Saturday:
Took mom to Lowe's, then went home to have the laziest day ever. It was great!
Sunday:
We went to church, then after the girls' nap we had a family dinner. It was SO delicious and SO fun. I would be lying if I said I wasn't dreading the news that we would be getting the next day. I had been pretty emotional just thinking about it. "What if they start radiation?" "They said she will be VERY fatigued." "She is ALREADY fatigued, it CANT get worse, it just can't." "There is just no way the news can be good." "Even if the cancer hasn't grown, everything is about to change." "I get that the chemo is breaking down her body, but WHY are we giving the cancer a head start to grow back?" "It just can't be good." These are the thoughts I was fighting back in an attempt to enjoy our family day.
Being with everyone and seeing mom and the kids together took my mind off of Monday. It truly was a great day for all of us.
Monday:
Michael came home just in time to watch the girls so that I could attend mom's appointment. When I pulled up, I saw that familiar lil black car in the parking lot and realized "she beat me here!". I saw her big smile through her tinted windows as I parked next to her. "How can she be smiling?", I wondered. There is no way the news today can be good. It can't be good. Either the cancer has shrank or it hasn't....either way we are on the brink of taking a chemo 'break' and begin radiation". She hugged and kissed me in the parking lot and said, "I love you". She actually DID seem nervous. I found out later that, mom too, was not expecting good news. After the lab work, a nurse called us back. We unexpectedly ran into Dr. Penland on the way to a room and she proceeded to deliver the most INTERESTING news, EVER! Right there in the hall. She said: "You can go....You're fine! Better than fine! All of your cancer is smaller. Even the brain tumors are smaller. The largest is 2mm! If you feel up to it, we are going to "push through" two more cycles of chemo and put the radiation on hold for a bit." My heart skipped a beat. I looked at mom and we both revealed our signature shared trait...Our big ole teeth! We were grinning ear to ear! This was the absolute best thing that has happened to date. All I could say over and over was "wow". Mama asked "I thought you said the chemo wouldn't effect my brain tumors, that it couldn't make it up there. How does it keep shrinking?" Dr. Penland replied "It is just 'crossing' on you. It does that sometimes". Once again, my mom disagreed with her. "It is prayers" she said. "It is God shrinking my cancer". Dr. Penland couldn't disagree. Neither could I! This was wonderful! We left on cloud 9! I contacted my brothers and the aunts to tell them the good news. Everyone was thanking God for his gift.
Tuesday:
Mom started chemo cycle #5 today. She found out that she needs blood this week. That explains some of the extreme fatigue. She insists on driving herself. "Let me do it, while I can" she pleaded. I guess I can't argue with that.
So there is a rundown of the last few days. I spent an entire week thinking the worst. Dreading the results. Praying that time would stop in it's tracks. After the news, I find myself really thinking that remission is likely, for the first time. I know the odds. I have read the facts. Yes, changes are coming. They always will. But that doesn't mean they will ALL be bad. Not ALL news we receive has to be bad. When I think of tomorrow and what it might bring.....I KNOW it actually can be good.
As I said in a previous post, we have been awaiting some test results that could change things dramatically. In a conversation with Amber, my sister in law, I revealed my feelings about the upcoming news. I said "I don't think any news that we get can be good news. It just can't be good." Either way it goes, the 6 cycles of chemo is about to end and then comes the waiting. It feels like we are waiting for it to grow back. Actually, that is exactly what we are doing. This whole thing had me scared and negative. I was dreading Monday and the news that it would bring.
Thursday:
Mom was feeling good, so she kept Neva while Nori and I took off to Hattiesburg to the Allergy Dr. After an hour wait and a consult with, quite fankly, the rudest Dr. EVER, I found out that Nori's reactions are probably related to viral infections. Meaning, there is really nothing that can be done about it. Nori behaved so well. I was so proud of her. The Dr, though he said he had been practicing for 27 years, had obviously never dealt with a one year old. I don't want to just keep bashing him, so I will end with "We are not going back". Though I left practically in tears, I felt better thinking that Nori and I got some alone time. During our long wait, I read her stories and tickled her and really soaked up our much needed QT. When I got back to moms, I found out that Neva had been to visit her cousins (Brady and Noah), she had been to the store to get a very large amount of candy, she had played outside and read a hundred stories. Basically, she had a blast. This made me feel good for both of them. This meant mom was doing good. AND it meant that Neva got her old Gammy back, at least for a day. I know she has been missing her.
Friday:
Mom felt great! She has been encouraging me to leave the girls more often, since she feels good. I have taken her up on her offer a couple of times. Friday was one of these times. I took Neva, just before mom was diagnosed, to her first movie, "HOP". It was an awesome experience. It was great to have one on one time with her. As most of you with multiple children know, it is hard to get one on one time that is uninterrupted by your other children. I vowed to make this a regular occurrence. To separate the girls once a week or every two weeks and give them "all of me". Then mom got sick. So, when she made the offer, I took her up on it. I left Nori with her and Neva, Noah, Amber and I took off to the Grand Theater in Hattiesburg to see the new Winnie the Pooh movie. We met my cousin Kristen and her son Cutter ( he's the same age as Neva and Noah). We had a GREAT time. It was nice to see my little worry wart, over thinker let loose and giggle like she should.
Bye Gammy and Nori! Have fun while we're gone!
Neva and Noah, best buds!
She got the love for popcorn honest!
CUTIE PIES! I'm glad I didn't get arrested for having my camera in the theater!
A little blurry.
We made plans to do it again soon!
When I got back to mom's, I found out that Nori, also, got the special "Gammy Treatment". They had a great time and mom still felt good. All in all, it was a GREAT day!
Saturday:
Took mom to Lowe's, then went home to have the laziest day ever. It was great!
Sunday:
We went to church, then after the girls' nap we had a family dinner. It was SO delicious and SO fun. I would be lying if I said I wasn't dreading the news that we would be getting the next day. I had been pretty emotional just thinking about it. "What if they start radiation?" "They said she will be VERY fatigued." "She is ALREADY fatigued, it CANT get worse, it just can't." "There is just no way the news can be good." "Even if the cancer hasn't grown, everything is about to change." "I get that the chemo is breaking down her body, but WHY are we giving the cancer a head start to grow back?" "It just can't be good." These are the thoughts I was fighting back in an attempt to enjoy our family day.
Amber seems significantly happier about the camera than the other two!
Gammy started out with a big audience..........................
and ended rather smaller than it began!
Roasted chicken, baked ham, dressing, potato salad, peas, Mexican cornbread, macaroni and cheese with blueberry cobbler, strawberry cobbler and fudge brownies for dessert....MMMMMMMM!
There's my Nori, pretending to do one of Gammy's breathing treatments
She has a way of making each of us feel special....Like "I'm her favorite"
Shortly after the meal, this was the scene.
"Uncle Josh, Your body's a wonderland..."
This weird effect that is totally accidental. Or maybe she is riding this thing way TOO fast, I don't know!
It wouldn't be complete without a little time on Gammy's swing set. It started sprinkling and we announced "it's raining, time to go in!" To which Neva replied, "Nah, it actually feels comfortable..." We all busted out laughing!
I don't think there is actually anything wrong with my camera, just the operator!
Of course mom hit Michael up for a little home repair while he was there....Light fixtures, switches and all those pieces on the coffee table belong to a new door knob set. The kids were "helping him"
There is Neva, now: "doing my work" as she kept calling it. It consisted of shoving things into this lil hole in mom's door frame!
It was a LONG and FUN day!
Being with everyone and seeing mom and the kids together took my mind off of Monday. It truly was a great day for all of us.
Monday:
Michael came home just in time to watch the girls so that I could attend mom's appointment. When I pulled up, I saw that familiar lil black car in the parking lot and realized "she beat me here!". I saw her big smile through her tinted windows as I parked next to her. "How can she be smiling?", I wondered. There is no way the news today can be good. It can't be good. Either the cancer has shrank or it hasn't....either way we are on the brink of taking a chemo 'break' and begin radiation". She hugged and kissed me in the parking lot and said, "I love you". She actually DID seem nervous. I found out later that, mom too, was not expecting good news. After the lab work, a nurse called us back. We unexpectedly ran into Dr. Penland on the way to a room and she proceeded to deliver the most INTERESTING news, EVER! Right there in the hall. She said: "You can go....You're fine! Better than fine! All of your cancer is smaller. Even the brain tumors are smaller. The largest is 2mm! If you feel up to it, we are going to "push through" two more cycles of chemo and put the radiation on hold for a bit." My heart skipped a beat. I looked at mom and we both revealed our signature shared trait...Our big ole teeth! We were grinning ear to ear! This was the absolute best thing that has happened to date. All I could say over and over was "wow". Mama asked "I thought you said the chemo wouldn't effect my brain tumors, that it couldn't make it up there. How does it keep shrinking?" Dr. Penland replied "It is just 'crossing' on you. It does that sometimes". Once again, my mom disagreed with her. "It is prayers" she said. "It is God shrinking my cancer". Dr. Penland couldn't disagree. Neither could I! This was wonderful! We left on cloud 9! I contacted my brothers and the aunts to tell them the good news. Everyone was thanking God for his gift.
Tuesday:
Mom started chemo cycle #5 today. She found out that she needs blood this week. That explains some of the extreme fatigue. She insists on driving herself. "Let me do it, while I can" she pleaded. I guess I can't argue with that.
So there is a rundown of the last few days. I spent an entire week thinking the worst. Dreading the results. Praying that time would stop in it's tracks. After the news, I find myself really thinking that remission is likely, for the first time. I know the odds. I have read the facts. Yes, changes are coming. They always will. But that doesn't mean they will ALL be bad. Not ALL news we receive has to be bad. When I think of tomorrow and what it might bring.....I KNOW it actually can be good.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
We're All Alright
Yesterday was great! A page straight out of a pre-cancer chapter of my life. Mom felt good. She met me and the girls at the library and spent the morning with us. The fire chief came and spoke to the children about fire safety. I am totally the "mom of the year" because I remembered my camera! I was so proud of myself until I turned it on and it didn't make a sound. Dead. Super dead. Typical. He was VERY thorough. My poor, poor, Neva and Nori. They have zero attention span as it is, when you add a 45 min conversation to that, you get some crazy girls! I thought they were going to tear the library down! I was so relieved when we were invited outside to tour the firetruck. They could run free! OF COURSE this is when they started acting all shy. Mom waited on the other side as Neva climbed in one side of the truck, and out the other. She was a little scared, but she did it anyway. She liked the lights and the siren demonstration, but for whatever reason, HATED the horn. Nori was kind of oblivious the whole time. I THINK she liked it. My mom was perfect! The old mom! She was laughing and playing and I actually had to MAKE her stop lifting the girls. I think she had a good time. Afterwards, we took off on a journey to a bakery. I have been talking to the girls about "bakers" and "bakeries", so I thought a little "hands-on" activity wouldn't hurt (it had nothing to do with my HORRIBLE sweet tooth). Mom had 2 gift certificates to a bakery in Sharon. We had never heard of it, but thought "why not?" We actually drove right to the road, but had to turn around several times to find the house. There was no sign. There was a falling down mail box with numbers peeling off. There was a fence chained and locked up tight, guarding an over grown yard and seemingly abandoned house. I called the number on the certificate but there was no answer. SOOOO, we went to PLAN B. Teresa's Bakery. When we walked in, I encouraged Neva to verbalize what she smelled. We have been talking about our senses lately too so I thought this would be a great place to use them! The sweet smells, the vibrant icing colors, the yummy taste, the soft texture of the cakes, and the sound of busy employees in the back. What an educational experience! Once again, it had NOTHING to do with my sugar addiction. It was all about the educational aspect of the trip. I told them they could pick out whatever they wanted. So, when we made it to the display counter, Neva wanted one of everything! Nori was right behind her speaking her "Nori-nese" language that I cannot quite translate, but I am sure she wanted one of everything too! They settled for a dozen fudge brownies. We sat down and I let them indulge while mom picked out some goodies of her own. I was proud of her taking advantage of her current appetite. It wasn't that long ago that we were BEGGING her to take one bite of ANYthing. The girls LOVED their bakery experience! I literally had to cut Neva off. My little chock-a-holics. They got it honest, I guess! When I dropped mom off, I could see the exhaustion on her face. It was a big day for her! We hugged and kissed and went our separate ways. She ended up sleeping the rest of the day and night! Only waking up to eat a little and go to the bathroom.
Today was the day of the dreaded scans. I don't know why I dread them. Mom dreads them because she has to drink this yucky stuff, she doesn't get any coffee, and she HATES waiting. Well, luckily we didn't have to wait that long. Neva and Nori spoke to EVERYONE in the hospital. EVERYONE spoke to them. Probably not the most appropriate thing for me to take them to these sort of appointments, but sometimes I think they make people feel better. They are not allowed in the chemo room, but the other day we walked (through the flower garden) up to the window of the chemo room and put on a waving show for all the patients! The girls were blowing kisses and smiling. I could see the patients' positive responses. We ended up leaving pretty quickly because Neva began to clean the windows with her tongue. But I know we brightened at least one person's day in there--my mama. So, I didn't feel bad taking them today. People very seldom go to the hospital for a good time, they usually would rather be ANYwhere else. I like to think that my girls take their minds off of their troubles (even if it's in an annoying way). Mom got sick during her last two scans, but surprisingly she did great today! After we left, me, the girls, Mom and Ronnie went to McDonald's for a biscuit, to let the girls play and get their wiggles out. More importantly, we had to get SOME COFFEE FOR MAMA! She actually ate! You have got to understand why I get so excited about this, mom has NOT been eating good until the last couple of weeks. I am just blown away by her appetite. It truly is, yet another, incident that proves that this disease is unpredictable. Her fatigue is pretty severe this time, but her appetite is great. I'm not complaining. This change is welcomed! I was so proud of the half biscuit she ate. We had a great time and then went our separate ways again.
I am not anxious for the results of these tests. I am not excited about the game plan we have been given. There are alot of changes on the horizon that scare me more than words can express. But RIGHT NOW, things seem to be pretty good. Different but good. Days like today and yesterday make me forget the bad stuff. I really do cherish these moments.....
Today was the day of the dreaded scans. I don't know why I dread them. Mom dreads them because she has to drink this yucky stuff, she doesn't get any coffee, and she HATES waiting. Well, luckily we didn't have to wait that long. Neva and Nori spoke to EVERYONE in the hospital. EVERYONE spoke to them. Probably not the most appropriate thing for me to take them to these sort of appointments, but sometimes I think they make people feel better. They are not allowed in the chemo room, but the other day we walked (through the flower garden) up to the window of the chemo room and put on a waving show for all the patients! The girls were blowing kisses and smiling. I could see the patients' positive responses. We ended up leaving pretty quickly because Neva began to clean the windows with her tongue. But I know we brightened at least one person's day in there--my mama. So, I didn't feel bad taking them today. People very seldom go to the hospital for a good time, they usually would rather be ANYwhere else. I like to think that my girls take their minds off of their troubles (even if it's in an annoying way). Mom got sick during her last two scans, but surprisingly she did great today! After we left, me, the girls, Mom and Ronnie went to McDonald's for a biscuit, to let the girls play and get their wiggles out. More importantly, we had to get SOME COFFEE FOR MAMA! She actually ate! You have got to understand why I get so excited about this, mom has NOT been eating good until the last couple of weeks. I am just blown away by her appetite. It truly is, yet another, incident that proves that this disease is unpredictable. Her fatigue is pretty severe this time, but her appetite is great. I'm not complaining. This change is welcomed! I was so proud of the half biscuit she ate. We had a great time and then went our separate ways again.
I am not anxious for the results of these tests. I am not excited about the game plan we have been given. There are alot of changes on the horizon that scare me more than words can express. But RIGHT NOW, things seem to be pretty good. Different but good. Days like today and yesterday make me forget the bad stuff. I really do cherish these moments.....
Monday, July 11, 2011
The Good, The Bad, and The Uplifting
I have been having the worst problem staying on top of my blog updates. I will take this opportunity to catch you up on everything.
When we were at mom's check-up last week, they finally gave us a game plan. I am not super excited about it, but I understand it, I guess. Mom's reaction to this last (#4) Chemo cycle has been the worst so far. She has worked very hard to make herself eat and is taking ALL of her medicine religiously. However, she has found herself SO fatigued that she doesn't even come out of her pajamas some days. There were a couple days that she slept straight through. It has been VERY difficult to watch. Well, the "game plan" I mentioned goes as follows: It seems that mom's severe reaction this time is the tip of the iceberg. Apparently, as the chemo cycles continue, her body's reaction will deteriorate. They usually hit a "chemo ceiling" at about 6 cycles, then they wait for movement. That is what they plan to do with mama. Her little body can't take too much of this stuff that is saving her life. Her medicine can kill her almost as quickly as it saved her. So, they will scan her Wednesday. IF THE CANCER IS SMALLER-they will do two more cycles, then pause for 3 weeks of radiation, then give her a "break", where they will monitor the cancer and start chemo back when there is movement. IF THE CANCER IS THE SAME-they will skip the next two cycles and go ahead and begin radiation, then comes the break and the monitoring. This scares me. The whole "break" part of it. It's like giving the cancer a head start. I get it, I guess. The chemo is destroying her body. But the waiting for movement is petrifying for me. They actually said we would be waiting TWO months between scans. We have been told that there can be MAJOR changes in just a few days. TWO MONTHS?? Alot can happen in two months. I am just so worried. Mom actually agrees with me. She is thinking "if it's working, why stop?". She broke my heart after the Dr walked out from telling us the plan. She said "I guess I really am never getting rid of this, am I?". It is like she had hope, until that appointment. There was nothing I could say except "probably not mama, but that doesn't determine anything". I thought I had come to terms with mom's odds of beating this thing, but hearing that we are kind of giving up struck me sadly too. I know we are not literally giving up, but in that moment, that is how I felt. And the radiation??? Well, that scares her AND me to death. It is called "whole brain radiation". They told us she WILL lose that stubborn hair that has proved the chemo statistics wrong. She will probably never get it back. The radiation can destroy hair follicles preventing any future growth. She is fine with that. She has a couple scarves and a couple hats and she says her hair is the least of her worries. Her attitude is great. Her fight is back. We CAN do this.
If you were not sitting in Journey Church in Laurel, Ms. on Sunday at 10:00am, then you missed the sermon of a lifetime. As I listened to Br. Robby talk about obstacles and difficulties that we face in life, I felt myself begin to cry. I cried the remainder of the sermon. He spoke so beautifully....and frankly. In so many words he said that life is hard. Whether you are a christian or not, life is hard. Tough stuff happens. But, if you allow God's strength to help you when you are weak, and you approach these situations in His name, you will overcome any obstacle. I needed to hear this. I needed to hear "stop whining and start living" (that's not exactly how it was worded, but that is how it applies to MY life). This whole sermon was built around my life and my current situation. I am sure that every person in that room felt the same way. As I looked around the room, I could see that I wasn't the only one that was touched. I am sure I am not the only one that left reflecting on my life. I spend alot of time feeling alone and worrying. I stay worried about if I can handle watching mom's illness progress. Worried about a life without her. I am constantly sad, and honestly, a little whiny, that this happened to me and my family. But the truth is, the problem is here, it isn't going anywhere. I have two options: I can face it alone, or I can face it with the help of God's strength. I don't really have to even think about my choice.
A young girl that my mom works with has been having alot of health issues lately. Vomiting, fatigue, pain, etc. For any of you that have ever been pregnant you would blame the pregnancy (she is in her first trimester). However, when she felt a "pop" in her neck, then started experiencing excruciating headaches, she knew this was not pregnancy related. After a couple ER visits and diagnosis' that did not add up, her condition worsened. She began to get confused and disoriented. Her body was even effected physically as her sister said she didn't seem to understand how to bend her legs and sit down in the car. Finally, at the THIRD hospital, she was diagnosed with a blood clot on the brain. Furthermore, she had suffered a stroke. Her condition was not great, but she was stable. I took mom to see her after church. See, this girl and her sister are around my age. Mom met and fell in love with them while working at David's. To their dismay sometimes,( I'm sure), my mom has formed a very maternal bond with them (she can be very opinionated and unnecessarily verbal when she has a maternal bond with you). None the less, mama thinks the world of these two and this love only strengthened when she got sick. These two sisters went above and beyond to raise money for mom's medical bills and living expenses. Not to mention the most important part, they visit her often and keep up to date with her situation. This means the world to my mama. They really care about her and her well being. When my mom spoke to her sweet patient friend on the phone this morning, she mentioned her mother and how she wished she was here. Mama immediately started devising a plan to make it happen. See, their mom, like alot of us at some time or another, has fallen on bad times financially. She was literally unable to travel here from South Carolina due to financial difficulties. Well, mom got on the phone, and by the end of today she had raised enough money for the patient's mom to get here. I was SO proud for the patient. I know the yearning for my mom when I am sick. I can only imagine that in her severe situation that ONLY the love of her mother will make her feel better. Her mom will leave out at 3:00am on Tuesday. Mama called me and was beaming for her young friend. I told her how proud I was of her and her actions. What a lady, ya know? What a heart! Everyday she blows me away with her attitude and her strength and most of all, her love for others. She said "Helping people is on my bucket list, but I don't want to mark it off just yet. This feels TOO good. I want to help more." Wow, if only we ALL had that mentality. She inspires me. The patient is doing a little better and with physical therapy and a daily blood thinner shot, she and the baby will be fine.
So, there it is, a little game of catch up. The good, the bad and and the uplifting.
When we were at mom's check-up last week, they finally gave us a game plan. I am not super excited about it, but I understand it, I guess. Mom's reaction to this last (#4) Chemo cycle has been the worst so far. She has worked very hard to make herself eat and is taking ALL of her medicine religiously. However, she has found herself SO fatigued that she doesn't even come out of her pajamas some days. There were a couple days that she slept straight through. It has been VERY difficult to watch. Well, the "game plan" I mentioned goes as follows: It seems that mom's severe reaction this time is the tip of the iceberg. Apparently, as the chemo cycles continue, her body's reaction will deteriorate. They usually hit a "chemo ceiling" at about 6 cycles, then they wait for movement. That is what they plan to do with mama. Her little body can't take too much of this stuff that is saving her life. Her medicine can kill her almost as quickly as it saved her. So, they will scan her Wednesday. IF THE CANCER IS SMALLER-they will do two more cycles, then pause for 3 weeks of radiation, then give her a "break", where they will monitor the cancer and start chemo back when there is movement. IF THE CANCER IS THE SAME-they will skip the next two cycles and go ahead and begin radiation, then comes the break and the monitoring. This scares me. The whole "break" part of it. It's like giving the cancer a head start. I get it, I guess. The chemo is destroying her body. But the waiting for movement is petrifying for me. They actually said we would be waiting TWO months between scans. We have been told that there can be MAJOR changes in just a few days. TWO MONTHS?? Alot can happen in two months. I am just so worried. Mom actually agrees with me. She is thinking "if it's working, why stop?". She broke my heart after the Dr walked out from telling us the plan. She said "I guess I really am never getting rid of this, am I?". It is like she had hope, until that appointment. There was nothing I could say except "probably not mama, but that doesn't determine anything". I thought I had come to terms with mom's odds of beating this thing, but hearing that we are kind of giving up struck me sadly too. I know we are not literally giving up, but in that moment, that is how I felt. And the radiation??? Well, that scares her AND me to death. It is called "whole brain radiation". They told us she WILL lose that stubborn hair that has proved the chemo statistics wrong. She will probably never get it back. The radiation can destroy hair follicles preventing any future growth. She is fine with that. She has a couple scarves and a couple hats and she says her hair is the least of her worries. Her attitude is great. Her fight is back. We CAN do this.
If you were not sitting in Journey Church in Laurel, Ms. on Sunday at 10:00am, then you missed the sermon of a lifetime. As I listened to Br. Robby talk about obstacles and difficulties that we face in life, I felt myself begin to cry. I cried the remainder of the sermon. He spoke so beautifully....and frankly. In so many words he said that life is hard. Whether you are a christian or not, life is hard. Tough stuff happens. But, if you allow God's strength to help you when you are weak, and you approach these situations in His name, you will overcome any obstacle. I needed to hear this. I needed to hear "stop whining and start living" (that's not exactly how it was worded, but that is how it applies to MY life). This whole sermon was built around my life and my current situation. I am sure that every person in that room felt the same way. As I looked around the room, I could see that I wasn't the only one that was touched. I am sure I am not the only one that left reflecting on my life. I spend alot of time feeling alone and worrying. I stay worried about if I can handle watching mom's illness progress. Worried about a life without her. I am constantly sad, and honestly, a little whiny, that this happened to me and my family. But the truth is, the problem is here, it isn't going anywhere. I have two options: I can face it alone, or I can face it with the help of God's strength. I don't really have to even think about my choice.
A young girl that my mom works with has been having alot of health issues lately. Vomiting, fatigue, pain, etc. For any of you that have ever been pregnant you would blame the pregnancy (she is in her first trimester). However, when she felt a "pop" in her neck, then started experiencing excruciating headaches, she knew this was not pregnancy related. After a couple ER visits and diagnosis' that did not add up, her condition worsened. She began to get confused and disoriented. Her body was even effected physically as her sister said she didn't seem to understand how to bend her legs and sit down in the car. Finally, at the THIRD hospital, she was diagnosed with a blood clot on the brain. Furthermore, she had suffered a stroke. Her condition was not great, but she was stable. I took mom to see her after church. See, this girl and her sister are around my age. Mom met and fell in love with them while working at David's. To their dismay sometimes,( I'm sure), my mom has formed a very maternal bond with them (she can be very opinionated and unnecessarily verbal when she has a maternal bond with you). None the less, mama thinks the world of these two and this love only strengthened when she got sick. These two sisters went above and beyond to raise money for mom's medical bills and living expenses. Not to mention the most important part, they visit her often and keep up to date with her situation. This means the world to my mama. They really care about her and her well being. When my mom spoke to her sweet patient friend on the phone this morning, she mentioned her mother and how she wished she was here. Mama immediately started devising a plan to make it happen. See, their mom, like alot of us at some time or another, has fallen on bad times financially. She was literally unable to travel here from South Carolina due to financial difficulties. Well, mom got on the phone, and by the end of today she had raised enough money for the patient's mom to get here. I was SO proud for the patient. I know the yearning for my mom when I am sick. I can only imagine that in her severe situation that ONLY the love of her mother will make her feel better. Her mom will leave out at 3:00am on Tuesday. Mama called me and was beaming for her young friend. I told her how proud I was of her and her actions. What a lady, ya know? What a heart! Everyday she blows me away with her attitude and her strength and most of all, her love for others. She said "Helping people is on my bucket list, but I don't want to mark it off just yet. This feels TOO good. I want to help more." Wow, if only we ALL had that mentality. She inspires me. The patient is doing a little better and with physical therapy and a daily blood thinner shot, she and the baby will be fine.
So, there it is, a little game of catch up. The good, the bad and and the uplifting.
Friday, July 8, 2011
The NON-Bucket Lists
All of this talk about time lines and expiration dates has put us in touch with our own mortality. I spoke to some of my family members that have been directly effected by mama's illness and this is what I found out about their life goals:
AMBER:
- "I would love to graduate with a teaching degree"
- "I want to visit another country"
- "I want to see my babies get married"
- "I want to learn to play guitar"
- "I want to be old and gray and still get butterflies from my "boo""
JOSH:
- "I want to take a dream vacation to Hawaii"
- "I'd really like to skydive"
- "See the wonders of the world"
- "Watch my children grow, become successful in life and have children of their own"
- "Still be sitting next to my wife holding her hand when we are old and gray"
RONNIE:
- To NOT have a Bucket List
MICHAEL:
- "Tour Europe"
- "Kill an elephant"
- "Go whitetail hunting in Canada"
- "Successfully raise my children"
- "I can't think of a 5th one"
MOM:
- "I'd love to fix my house up"
- "I want to help people. I want to help as many people as possible in any way that I can"
- "I want to devote as MUCH TIME AS POSSIBLE to my family."
- "I would love to see the mountains"
- "I'd like to take a road trip with my sisters. Just me and them. (Preferably in a Volkswagen beetle-my favorite car of all time!)"
ME:
- I want to stop worrying and live everyday as if it were my last
- I'd love to travel the world. From the biggest tourist spots to the tiny hole in the wall towns.
- I wish I could overcome my debilitating fear of public speaking and do karaoke or something in front of a huge crowd
- I want me and Michael to meet all of our great grandchildren together
- I want to make my mom's bucket list a reality
Everyday is so precious, and we should all be living for today. We are not promised tomorrow. None of us. Every moment that we are given to spend with our loved ones is a gift. Time is a luxury that we sometimes take advantage of. In listening to my family talk about ambitions and dreams, I realized--this was not a bucket list of "things to do before we die" it is a WISH list of things to do while we are LIVING.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Life As We Know It
It has been a few days since my last post. I have been having a really tough time lately. Mom finished cycle 4 of chemo and is doing pretty good. Right now she is exhausted, her appetite is not great, and she is having trouble with her stomach. How is she doing "pretty good"?, you might ask....Well we have experienced what we consider to be "rock bottom", and we have learned to appreciate days like today. We literally have no idea from day to day what is going to happen next. Her reaction to one chemo cycle doesn't determine the reaction to the next one. If there is anything we can predict about this illness and the medicine, it's that you can't predict anything about it.
Since the last time I wrote, my mom actually babysat for me! I don't know that it was the greatest idea, but she was more than willing and actually said "Nikki, I WANT to do this. Let me do this while I can". How can you say "no" to that? We dropped the girls off at her house around 5:45 and went to a crawfish boil. I called so many times, not to check on the kids, but to check on mama, that she finally said "STOP CALLING, WE ARE FINE!" Though, I found it hard to relax, we had fun. The next day was Michael's first day off in months, so I didn't want to rob him of his rare opportunity to stay up late. We ate our weight in crawfish, potatoes, and corn. It was delicious. It was nice to get away too. We picked the kids up just after 10:00 (that is late for us). Nori was asleep and Neva was droopy eyed. Mom was tired, but I could tell that the girls gave her a break too. Not a physical break (far from it), but a mental break from all her worries. She seemed lighter. She was smiling. I think she had fun. I was worried that she would be really down the next day from over-doing it, but she was fine. Tired, but fine. I know that I need to periodically let them stay with mom for her benefit and the girls, but it's just so hard. I worry so much. I have seen how one day she is fine and the next day she is in the hospital. I want them to have quality time, time alone with each other, but not at the risk of her health. An (almost) 3 yr old and an (almost) 1 1/2 yr old are a handful!
On the 4th of July, we all got together for a cookout. Ronnie grilled everything he could find at the grocery store. I made baked beans and potato salad and we had ice cream for dessert. It was a delicious spread. We had a great time. I caught mom laughing at the kids, giggling at Josh being goofy. She did pretty good faking that she felt okay. She was frustrated with her hair and wore a scarf most of the day. Her hair has beat the odds, though. The Dr. (who has been very blunt with us) is shocked that mom still has hair. What once was a thick head of silky hair is now a thin scalp of dry, kinky hair. She gets aggravated sometimes, but I think she looks beautiful. I know that her hair is symbolic of her body, which is also going to beat the odds and defeat this cancer. Before we all left, the energy was drained from her body. I saw it as it was happening. She had gone from the kitchen, to the back yard, to the couch. I actually laid on the couch with her for a while, until my motherly duties pulled me away from my daughterly desires. When I returned, she was asleep. Nori kept walking up to her Gammy and she would say "mammy!" and reach out for her, but "mammy" didn't jump up and tickle her into the floor like in the past. She wasn't faking just to lure the kids up, startle them, and play with them. She really was exhausted. How can I expect the kids to understand, if I can't? We all left so that she could get her rest. The healthy mom would never have fallen asleep. She would have worked a 10 hr day, then came home and cooked, then sat and entertained until the last guest left. Though we all had fun, it was a definite reminder that all of our lives have changed.....for good.
Today, I took mom to Taylorsville. It is really hard to make that drive and not see my papaw. But, it is very important to me that Neva and Nori know their extended family and have a good relationship with them. Only I can make that happen. My mom is insanely close to her sisters. They are best friends. I usually refer to them as "the aunts". We went and saw the aunts today and briefly stopped by papaw's old house and sat on his porch for a minute. I miss him so much. Easter, Papaw was in the hospital. But he was here. How will the next gathering be? Will we all come together? Was he the glue? Where will we gather? I wish he was here. I wish he was here for me and my girls, but more than anything, I wish my mama had her daddy while she is going through this. No one can quite comfort you like your parents. Michael tries for me. When Neva and Nori see me cry, they try. But NO ONE can make you feel better quite like your parents can. I wish she had that comfort now.
You know, everyday I am faced with a "it's never going to be the same" thought. You ever wonder about that? Why can't we just KNOW what tomorrow will bring? Why the mystery? It sure makes for a scary time on this earth. Even with myself, I DON'T have cancer, but I am UP, DOWN, UP, DOWN. I am unpredictable. One day I KNOW that everything is going to be okay. The next, I am positive that my life has been stolen from me. In a life full of pain, very little comfort and zero predictability, I am glad that I have found God. I am not the mature christian that I would like to be. But, I definitely find relief in His word, I find comfort in His love, and I find predictability in His promise.
Since the last time I wrote, my mom actually babysat for me! I don't know that it was the greatest idea, but she was more than willing and actually said "Nikki, I WANT to do this. Let me do this while I can". How can you say "no" to that? We dropped the girls off at her house around 5:45 and went to a crawfish boil. I called so many times, not to check on the kids, but to check on mama, that she finally said "STOP CALLING, WE ARE FINE!" Though, I found it hard to relax, we had fun. The next day was Michael's first day off in months, so I didn't want to rob him of his rare opportunity to stay up late. We ate our weight in crawfish, potatoes, and corn. It was delicious. It was nice to get away too. We picked the kids up just after 10:00 (that is late for us). Nori was asleep and Neva was droopy eyed. Mom was tired, but I could tell that the girls gave her a break too. Not a physical break (far from it), but a mental break from all her worries. She seemed lighter. She was smiling. I think she had fun. I was worried that she would be really down the next day from over-doing it, but she was fine. Tired, but fine. I know that I need to periodically let them stay with mom for her benefit and the girls, but it's just so hard. I worry so much. I have seen how one day she is fine and the next day she is in the hospital. I want them to have quality time, time alone with each other, but not at the risk of her health. An (almost) 3 yr old and an (almost) 1 1/2 yr old are a handful!
On the 4th of July, we all got together for a cookout. Ronnie grilled everything he could find at the grocery store. I made baked beans and potato salad and we had ice cream for dessert. It was a delicious spread. We had a great time. I caught mom laughing at the kids, giggling at Josh being goofy. She did pretty good faking that she felt okay. She was frustrated with her hair and wore a scarf most of the day. Her hair has beat the odds, though. The Dr. (who has been very blunt with us) is shocked that mom still has hair. What once was a thick head of silky hair is now a thin scalp of dry, kinky hair. She gets aggravated sometimes, but I think she looks beautiful. I know that her hair is symbolic of her body, which is also going to beat the odds and defeat this cancer. Before we all left, the energy was drained from her body. I saw it as it was happening. She had gone from the kitchen, to the back yard, to the couch. I actually laid on the couch with her for a while, until my motherly duties pulled me away from my daughterly desires. When I returned, she was asleep. Nori kept walking up to her Gammy and she would say "mammy!" and reach out for her, but "mammy" didn't jump up and tickle her into the floor like in the past. She wasn't faking just to lure the kids up, startle them, and play with them. She really was exhausted. How can I expect the kids to understand, if I can't? We all left so that she could get her rest. The healthy mom would never have fallen asleep. She would have worked a 10 hr day, then came home and cooked, then sat and entertained until the last guest left. Though we all had fun, it was a definite reminder that all of our lives have changed.....for good.
Today, I took mom to Taylorsville. It is really hard to make that drive and not see my papaw. But, it is very important to me that Neva and Nori know their extended family and have a good relationship with them. Only I can make that happen. My mom is insanely close to her sisters. They are best friends. I usually refer to them as "the aunts". We went and saw the aunts today and briefly stopped by papaw's old house and sat on his porch for a minute. I miss him so much. Easter, Papaw was in the hospital. But he was here. How will the next gathering be? Will we all come together? Was he the glue? Where will we gather? I wish he was here. I wish he was here for me and my girls, but more than anything, I wish my mama had her daddy while she is going through this. No one can quite comfort you like your parents. Michael tries for me. When Neva and Nori see me cry, they try. But NO ONE can make you feel better quite like your parents can. I wish she had that comfort now.
You know, everyday I am faced with a "it's never going to be the same" thought. You ever wonder about that? Why can't we just KNOW what tomorrow will bring? Why the mystery? It sure makes for a scary time on this earth. Even with myself, I DON'T have cancer, but I am UP, DOWN, UP, DOWN. I am unpredictable. One day I KNOW that everything is going to be okay. The next, I am positive that my life has been stolen from me. In a life full of pain, very little comfort and zero predictability, I am glad that I have found God. I am not the mature christian that I would like to be. But, I definitely find relief in His word, I find comfort in His love, and I find predictability in His promise.
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