8 Months

Dear Mama,

Today marks exactly 8 months since you left and went to Heaven. 8 months is a life time, and a blink at the same time. It feels like forever since I last saw your beautiful green eyes, felt the warmth of one of your hugs, heard your incredible laugh and just felt the "it's gonna be alright", feeling that you gave me without even trying. But, when it comes to the pain, it feels as fresh as if I lost you yesterday. I actually found myself talking to a person in a similar situation at church tonight, and fighting the tears welling up in my eyes. There are no words to express how much I miss you. Absolutely no words. I love you Mama. Oh my goodness, I love you so much I can't hardly stand it. Do you know how incredible you were? Did we tell you enough? You were the best. The best mom. The best grandma. The best friend....You were just the best. You are so irreplaceable, that it seems the hole you left in our lives will never be filled. So we live everyday with an excruciating ache that threatens to never end.

Besides still grieving your loss, everyone is doing pretty good:

Ronnie is approaching playoffs and working all the time. He is always cooking and creating some new dish. He fried his first egg tonight, and it turned out pretty good! (he sent me a picture). He has also agreed to host the Talorsville family for Thanksgiving dinner at his house! Thanksgiving in a bachelor pad ought to be interesting.

Josh has been in and out of town a lot lately. Not so much that he couldn't take his family on a road trip vacation, though. He was in a wedding in Green Bay, so they took the long way and hit all kinds of attractions on the way there. The biggest one was a White Sox game, I think. They had a blast! I think he is flourishing in his new job. I never hear him say anything negative about it. He is still a goofball....some things never change..

 Neva is in gymnastics and her teacher raves about her talent. She can write the letters of her name and almost put them together in the right order. Besides her smart mouth, the only time I have any trouble out of her, is when she misses her nap. She still talks about you a good bit. She asks me periodically if God and the angels are done making you well, and if you are about to come home. Then I have to explain it to her again. She definitely talks about you, but some of the stories she tells now, makes me think her memory of you is getting fuzzy. Sometimes her stories aren't exactly factual...It's hard to explain, but it's like she wants to talk about you.....She wants to remember you...So she inserts your name into other stories, (that you couldn't have been a part of) in an attempt to hang on to your memory. I don't correct her. I let her go. I don't know what would be worse, listening to her talk about you nonstop, or facing the fact that she is forgetting you. The other night at a football game, they released some balloons into the air. She looked up so sweetly as they drifted out of sight, then asked "Are those balloons going to Heaven so God can give them to Gammy?" I told her "yes" and she seemed very happy at the thought of you getting a special gift in Heaven.

Nori is in dance class and she is doing...better. She dances up a storm at home, but the moment we walk in those doors to bust a move for her teacher, she clams up and begs me to hold her. I have to fight the urge to get aggravated. Most of the time, I am on the dance floor with all the 2 and 3 year olds, doing the moves the instructor is teaching in an attempt to influence Nori to join in. It's like I'M taking the class...Since I am an unofficial student, I keep waiting for an invite to play a part in the Christmas Recital... Anyway, last week, I saw some pretty big improvements, so I have high hopes. She talks like a 5 year old, but no one would know, because she doesn't speak to anyone. She's not super social right now. She is SO SMART! She can draw circles and is very artistic. She's so girly. She loves getting dressed up and putting on sunglasses, a purse and tons of makeup, then walking around the house in character. She talks about you here and there, but it's usually prompted.

Mili is FINALLY sitting up....She is almost crawling, fully feeding herself, drinking out of a sippy cup here and there, and she has said some words. She has been saying "mamamamamama" and "dadadadadada" but, she hasn't shortened those into the actual words yet. Then she started saying "yay!" and clapping her hands. Well, now she says "hey". It is so cute and sweet. I have decided that I can't be pleased. When I trained Neva to be rocked and petted until she fell asleep, I vowed "never again". Well, now I've got a baby that WILL NOT let me rock her. I've tried. She won't lay in my bed and cuddle with me. Oh it makes me so sad sometimes! Sometimes a mommy wants to cuddle with her baby.  But, when she gets sleepy she HAS to have her bed. She doesn't even cry. When she rubs her eyes that first time, I take her in there and lay her down. She sucks her little thumb until she dozes off. She sleeps in her bed all night long. You better not go get her if you hear her wake up and rolling around! She will freak out! She requires "me time" after she wakes up. Sometimes it's as long as thirty minutes! Then she starts saying "mamamamama". That's when she's ready to get up. Though she is doing everything a little later than the other girls, she is super smart and has the best sense of humor. She laughs about everything.

I'm doing pretty good. I am officially on the Relay for Life Committee. I am happy to be a part of something so wonderful. With only a little time under my belt, I have already met some incredible people. I am very excited about working fund raisers and getting out there to raise money for awareness, research, and especially the patients and their families. I just want to "pay it forward", ya know? God knows that people reached out to help us. The money raised from your benefits covered your medical bills and copays, your living expenses, medications and groceries and just allowed you to live comfortably through the duration of your illness. Your funeral was purchased with benefit money, as well. I want to make some cancer fighter like you, not have to worry about money. I want their mind on getting better. Fighting harder. Soaking up life. Making memories. Not pinching pennies. Because of the money raised in your honor was covering of all the "serious" things, the boys and I were financially able to help make some of your superficial dreams come true. Things you always wanted, but could never afford--like getting some nice things to hang on the walls in your house, redoing (kind of) your old bathroom, painting the hall and setting up a guest room. Your Volkswagen was a dream come true, too. I wish the boys and I could have handed you the world in those last days. I wish we could have given you everything you never had in life. And we tried. But, those material things were no longer important to you. You just wanted time with us. We definitely had some quality moments, but not enough...Not even close.

I've gotten a lot more involved at church. I am LOVING it. I am learning so much and forming so many authentic relationships....The best one is the bond I have formed with Jesus. Mama, I read the bible (most) everyday! Can you believe it? I enrolled in a little class on Sunday nights that has helped me make a habit of it. I would say that this class has been life changing. It has taught me how to read and how to apply what I read in the bible. I am absolutely in love with God. Hands down. Sometimes I cry in church because I am missing you so much and the sermon, the music, and just everything combined brings it out of me. Sometimes I cry because I am just moved so deeply by the word of God. I rarely leave without being moved and feeling inspired. It's a beautiful feeling. The girls have just made their selves at home--AND I LOVE IT. You know I wanted them to grow up in church...Well, they are! They love it as much as I do.

I still have bad days. I cry a lot. I dream of you often. But considering it's the only way I can see you, it's not often enough. I miss "us". Sometimes I go the long way home. I turn down your road and as I am approaching your driveway, if I am lucky (very, very, lucky) I get it. The feeling. It is harder and harder to get with the passing of each day. But sometimes as I am getting close to your house--I picture you there. I think I will whirl in your yard and you will be rocking on the front porch and talking on the phone. You'll say "Let me go, Nikki and the girls just got here" and you'll give me a hug and kiss, but then forget I exist because of the girls. I picture all this, and for a split second I feel normal. I feel the old me. I feel safe. I feel you. Then I reach your driveway, and as I pass by burning the porch with my intense stare--all I see are empty rockers. And just like those chairs, I too, feel empty driving away, with a fresh break in my heart. It hurts. But as long as I can get that feeling, (even for a fragment of time) , I will continue to do it. Much like a junkie that knows I shouldn't, but just can't help myself. I need my fix. I need my 'you' fix. It is beautiful torture.

Anyway Mom, I just wanted to talk to you. I miss you so much. SO, SO, SO MUCH. The pain hasn't improved. The hole is still gaping. But, I cope. We all do. It's what you wanted from us. You wanted us to be strong, and we are trying our absolute best. I hope you look down and feel pride. I know I look up and feel pride.

Until the day we meet again, I will love you from afar. When I want to see your green eyes, I will look in the mirror. When I want to hear your laugh, I will close my eyes and remember. I'll smile to myself as I imagine your hearty laugh and beautiful smile. When I want to feel your hug, I'll grab my girls and squeeze them tight. When I need to know everything's going to be alright, I'll open my bible. I will live and laugh and love.... and hold you securely in my heart every step of the way.

I love you with all of my heart.

Bushel and a peck,

Hug around the neck.

Love,

Nikki