I have been reflecting quite a bit lately. Reflecting on my life a year ago, my life today, and wondering (with fear) what my life will be like next year. I spend alot of time thinking the worst and fearing the inevitable. Very seldom, (very, VERY seldom) do I actually sit and ponder all my blessings. In honor of the holiday season, I would like to take the time to do that now.
My new found relationship with God-
I believe I am most thankful for this, because I have never experienced it until now. I have never had strong faith or belief, or any kind of spiritual knowledge. I am just beginning on my journey, but already I am certain this was the path always meant for me. I am eager and excited to learn and grow in my faith.
My family-
Without Michael, I don't know where I would be right now. I try not to ever think about it. It is such a difficult thing to picture. He brought with him into my life, my first love, my marriage that absolutely defines me, and my beautiful children. My girls keep me young, and make me old at the same time. When everything is negative and I can't stop the tears, it is always my family that brings me back into the light. I often talk to Mili. I know she can hear me in there. I tell her that I am sorry that she feels my sadness. I tell her that I love her and anxiously await the day I hold her and introduce her to her Daddy and her sisters. Yes, indeed, my family is the love of my life and the epitome of thankfulness.
My time with my mom-
I have been told by people (in an attempt to soothe me) that I should be thankful for this time with my mom. They say that some people never get the chance to say goodbye. At first, I disagreed. After all, how do YOU like to take YOUR bandaid off? Then, I kind of understood. Now, I agree with them. I am thankful for a lifetime of memories with my mom. I am even thankful that we were given this "warning" that my mom's time could be cut short. It gave us the incentive to live life to the fullest and take advantage of every moment. It encouraged us to have conversations, hug, kiss, explain, apologize, laugh, love and do all the things one might take advantage of otherwise. My mom is why I am who I am. She is my best friend. I am so thankful God gave her to me, no matter what length of time he decides to let her stay with me.
Technology-
All of the doctors, the tests, the medical staff, the medicines....It has kept my mom here with me this long. I don't pretend to understand much about the medical field. But what I do know, is that without the intelligent minds and big hearts that brought us the technology we have today, my mom would not be here right now.
Family and Friends-
You know that moment you feel like you just can't take anymore? I feel that alot lately. It is always in that very moment that Josh, or Ronnie, or Amber, or Jamina calls to say "hey". It is in that moment that a friend or a neighbor shows up with a plate of food and a hug. I am so very thankful that I have good people in my life that understand that though the lump in my throat is too large for me to talk...Their presence makes me feel better. I find myself avoiding conversation lately. It is too hard to talk. Even if it's not about my mom. I do better, if I just listen. Luckily, I have plenty of loving individuals to listen to. I love them all very much.
Time-
Wow. When you're a kid, time doesn't exist until you are wishing it away so that class will let out, Christmas will come, or you will get off work from your part-time job to start your fun filled weekend. It is only when you are grown, or in my case, presented with a hourglass full of sand, that you truly come to appreciate time and what it offers you. I now know that tomorrow is not promised. I know that moments should not be wasted. I know that memories are for making. I am thankful that God has taught me to appreciate time for how absolutely precious it actually is.
With all the sadness that surrounds a situation where a family has an ailing member, you can find yourself lost in a sea of sorrow. It is sad that I don't take the time to really look at all this beauty and all these wonderful gifts in my life. I can say that I am thankful all day long-but I know it means nothing unless I actually feel it, mean it and live like it. I will try to not dwell on the negative. To not wait on a specific holiday to reflect on my blessings. And to understand that there are things that I cannot change. However, I can change. I can remember my blessings EVERY day, and thank God for them. I am forever thankful of our ability to make mistakes, learn from them and change.
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