Running, Running, Running

You ever notice how beautifully rare those little moments are? Those little moments that are filled with nothing, yet are so fulfilling. They are so few and far between, but man, they make life worth living. I need more moments like that.

When I woke up yesterday, I immediately began cooking a light breakfast for my girls, while they continued to sleep. Running through my head were the average thoughts "I hope we don't get bad news today", "I hope the girls behave while I am gone", and " I hope I have some jeans clean that actually fit" (I haven't been loyal to our laundry lately). Anyway, I was calling mom every 10 min or so, to make sure she was awake and ready for her 8:20 appt. I was supposed to meet her there. After calling several times, I phoned Amber and asked her to ride over and wake mom up. She did. She reported back that mom was awake and about to get ready. Next came the waking of my girls and that morning marathon of breakfast, finding outfits, arguing over why the outfit isn't good enough, then finally leaving. Neva wanted to stay with her best pal, her dad, at the donut shop. So I dropped Nori at her Nay Nay's then headed off to town. Once Neva was settled, I flew over to the clinic. It was 8:30. I was late. I pulled into the parking lot preparing my story for mom..."I woke up in plenty of time, but YOUR grand kids held me up!!! Bla bla bla" but that's when I noticed that she wasn't there. Her car was nowhere to be found. I had a moment of fear, before deciding nothing was wrong, she had just fell back asleep. I called a couple times. She finally answered "Hey...I fell back asleep....I am coming". I sat there on the bench. I HATE being alone with my thoughts. I thought of the days that mom awoke at 2:30 am, worked a full day, then hung out with me, then attended a ballgame. She was wide open back then. "Back then"....Seems like years ago, but it was only a few months. Things change so drastically, so quickly. How fatigued must your body be, to sleep hours upon hours and NEVER feel rejuvenated? I can't even imagine. My thoughts were interrupted by the sight of that little car whirling into the parking lot. "I'm sorry, baby....I'm SO sorry".... She was almost an hour late for her appt. "Mom, why are you apologizing?"  "I don't know....I feel bad...I just couldn't get up".

Unfortunately, the appointment did not include all of the information that I thought it would. We DID find out that mom's sodium was up a bit, so that's good. Apparently, if your sodium gets too low, it affects your brain function. When the nurse revealed this information to me, I immediately flashed back to some of the "senior moments" my mom has been having. She has been calling the kids by the wrong name. I know what you are thinking "I do that ALL the time..." Well, so do I...But this is different. She was really confused when she did it. This was not a normal mix up. One day, she couldn't remember Noah's middle name. When we told her it was Blake, she disagreed. She DISAGREED. She told us later that she kind of felt aggravated that we were telling her she was wrong. That's not all, there are tons of examples. Small things. She knows something has been wrong with her cognitively. Not in a really bad way, but definitely in a noticeable way. I had thought to myself that there might be some growth with the brain tumors....But now we can hope that her sodium has been hindering her thinking. Once they confirmed a rise in her sodium level, they proceeded with the chemo.

As I sat with her, waiting for urine and blood test results, I noticed something that melted my heart. A timid face walked in. He caught a glimpse of mom, and spoke to her. She spoke back. Then he found his seat next to her. She whispered to me "yesterday was his first day". I sat for several minutes listening to her "prep" him for whats to come. She was sweet with her words. She was encouraging. She was exactly the person he needed to be talking to in order to ease his fear of the unknown. I was so proud of her. I was happy that he had her.  After I realized that there would be no big changes, or reveal of big news, I headed off to get the girls. I picked them both up then headed to meet Amber at mom's house to watch the boys while she went to school. Mom was close behind me, when she finished her chemo. She told me, nonchalantly, that she had fallen asleep while sitting at a red light. I don't think she expected me to react so strongly. The thought of my mom falling asleep behind the wheel is a terrifying one. She assured me that she would never endanger the lives of others, and that she was fine to drive in the future. She said it was an isolated incident. But I worry. She is on alot of strong medications and her little body is fighting a battle most of us cannot imagine. She is exhausted. i sometimes wonder if she needs to be driving herself. The thought of robbing her of her independence breaks my heart, but it is something I will be watching very closely from here on out.

We sat on the porch for a while, watching the boys play while the girls were down for nap. She glanced across the street at her neighbor who is also battling cancer. She was standing on her carport. Their glances met and they waved to one another across the way. Mom wondered aloud "I sometimes wonder if she feels like I do. Like I need to do this. I need to do that. I need to go see 'so-n-so'. I need to, because I know I won't be able to one day. But I just can't, today". I didn't respond. I knew that I could not put in an educated opinion. This statement made me realize that mom thinks she is not making the best of her time. I disagree. I think she has done wonderfully sprinkling her time and attention over us all. And I told her so.

She seemed tired, but she played in the yard with the kids for a bit. She was positive with her demeanor and smiling a good bit. I'm not complaining. Once the girls woke up, they all tried to run and catch leaves....

(this was one of "those" moments)

The smell of Autumn. The sight of beautiful leaves falling to the ground. The feel of a cool crisp breeze. The orangey pink hue in the sky. The sound of little giggles running through the yard as they watch their sickly best friend run and catch leaves....

The kids once saw some little kittens under the house next door, so they decided to sit and wait for them to come back out (They never did). I explained that the kittens were older now, and probably roaming the neighborhood somewhere....But my explanation fell on deaf ears.

The kids had a great time. Mom had a great time.

Mom offered to keep the girls for me so that I could attend my OB appt at 9:30 this morning. She had to go to her clinic for an additional urine test, but other than that she was free. I told her that maybe it wasn't the best idea for her to wear herself out babysitting, but she insisted. So this morning, I jumped up running again. I started blowing her phone up pretty early, and was able to get her up pretty easily. After the morning marathon, we headed to moms. When I pulled up, I noticed she had not made it home yet. I thought to myself "I am late again". When she got there, I immediately headed toward my clinic in Ellisville. It wasn't too bad, I was only 5 minutes late. I signed in, sat down and took a deep breath...(I have to remind myself to relax these days). Then the receptionist called me up to the desk. "Ms Garcia, your appt was YESTERDAY". I sarcastically thought to myself "maybe I need to get my sodium checked". I rescheduled, then headed to get the girls, once again. I was mad at myself. I just can't get it together these days. When I got to her house, I told mom about my mix up with a lump in my throat. I was so aggravated I was about to cry. My mom laughed at me sympathetically and hugged me. She has a way of looking at things so much "lighter" than me. For me a catstrophe, for her a simple solution . A moment when I think my kids are destined for prison, she smiles and finds humor in their actions. Today, when my buttons were pushed and my heart was feeling overwhelmed with day to day tasks-- She smiled, hugged me and told me I needed to slow down.

Since I had no appointment and the morning was free, she followed me to Kim's Toyota, so that I could get my oil changed. We decided to have lunch. Anytime you ask my girls what they want for lunch, it is a unified "CHINESE FOOD!", so that's what we had.

It was a Noodle-Suck Race

Neva was a close 2nd, but Gammy won every time.....

After lunch, we went to the mall, where Nori decided to throw a tantrum. I didn't have to deal with this too much with Neva, but the last week or so has proven very challenging with Nori. I try to ignore her and not reward her with ANY attention.

If you look carefully, you can see my daughter laying on the floor. Don't worry, she didn't see me take this picture. And I didn't let her get out of my sight. But I had to pretend like I was going about my business. I had to FORCE my mom to walk away. She would have showered her with attention for this little stunt. When I asked her not to she replied "I'm A GRANDMA, I can't do that" and she walked away aggravated at my request. Soon Nori got up, and we headed over to Kim's to get my car. I mentally swore off shopping until all kids are in school. 

Before mom dropped me off, sensing my aggravation with myself, my kids, my everything, she leaned over and kissed me and said "I think you're doing a great job". She will never know how such a small comment can make such a BIG difference for me.

I have been thinking about all the running. Running here, running there, I mean, that's just life, right? But then I think about mom....Regretting how she has been spending her time. For the first time, I think she worries that time is running out. She talks about things she wants to do. Things she wishes she had done.  But EVERYone's time is ticking away, isn't it? Isn't that how we should all look at it? Not just her. Not just the sick. Not just the elderly. ALL of us. Life isn't going to stop because I have had some sort of revelation that time is flying away from me....But I can make an effort...I mean a valiant effort, to create more of those moments in my life. Those beautifully rare moments. I think my mom has been trying to teach me this in a round about way. She is constantly encouraging me to stop worrying and enjoy life. But I have been running to fast to hear. I'm listening mama.