Coversations

Mom: WHAT'S WRONG? (sleepy voice)
Me: You sleep all day, but you're up at midnight?
Mom: I wasn't up. The phone is ringing at midnight and it scared me. What's wrong?
Me: I can't go with you to your scan tomorrow. Nori has been vomiting all night.
Mom: That poor baby. All of ya'll will probably get it.
Me: I'm not worried about us, I am worried about YOU. She was all over you today.
Mom: I'll be fine. Is she okay?
Me: Yeah she's sittin' here beside me. I'll let ya go. I just wanted you to know I can't go. I'm sorry.
Mom: Don't be sorry, I'll be fine! I'll call you in the morning. I love yall. Give her a kiss for me.
Me: I will. Love you too mom.

(Phone call between me an mom last Thursday (11/3) night)

Me: What are ya'll up to? Heard the score?
Amber: 21-6 at the half, Laurel's way. Boys are asleep, I'm watching tv. How are the girls?
Me: Nori's Asleep. Neva's playing. Michael's watching a dog training video.
Amber:You can tell your mom doesn't feel good.
Me: Yeah, something's up. I dread the scan results.

(Text between me and Amber Friday night)

Neva: Have you ever seen the Incredible Hulk?
Ronnie: Yeah. Have you?
Neva: Yeah. He gets real mad.
Ronnie: He gets mad and turns purple, right?
Neva: (Confused face) NO! He turns green when he gets mad!
Ronnie: I think he turns purple.
Neva: Mama! Uncle Bubba said the Hulk turns purple! (mad)

(Ronnie and Neva talking at Shoneys when we had breakfast last Sat morning)

ME: I can't go to church. I've got the virus. Been up all night. Still vomiting.
Mom: You okay? Need me to come get the girls?
Me: No! You do NOT come here mom! You'll end up in the hospital if you get this! Please don't come!
Mom: Noah and Brady have it too. Is Michael coming home??!?!
Me: Mama, he HAS to work. I am fine.
Mom: I have been around everybody already. Ya'll and Noah.
Me: Yeah but mom, we didn't know then . NOW we know. Please don't come here. I gotta go, I feel sick.....

(Me and mom arguing over germs Sunday morning)

Me: Please God let mom's scan results reveal positive news. Please! I need her. Please. Please. Please.

(Sunday night in my favorite prayer spot, the shower)

Me: There is nothing in me that thinks tomorrows scans will be positive.
Michael: Baby, you can't think like that.
Me: (crying) I know it. I just know it. I feel it. The cancer is growing. She is down. Just like in the beginning.
Michael: She could just be sick.
Me: This is different.

(Me and Michael Sunday night after the girls went to sleep)

Neva: Nori I dreamed about an orange dragon. What did you dream about? A Tree? A green tree?
Nori: NO!
Neva: Yes you did. You dreamed about a green tree.
Nori: NO!!
Neva: WHAT did you dream about then?
Nori: Drinking coke.
Neva: You can't dream about drinking coke every night!!! You say that every day! You dreamed about a green tree! I'm not talking to you anymore!
Nori: NO!!!!!!!

(Arguing in the backseat on the way to receive mom's scan results Monday)

Me: Pulling up to the clinic to receive mom's scan results. I will call as soon as we hear. Please pray right now. Love ya'll.

(A text message to close friends and family)

Dr. Penland: Let's talk about your scan results.
Mom: Ok.
Dr. Penland: There is some growth in the liver. The lungs look ok. We have no baseline because there was no scan after the radiation. It could have grown during the radiation. The liver was left unattended while the brain and lungs were being radiated. But the concern is IF the cancer has grown since the chemo began. We will montior symptoms weekly, then scan again in four weeks. I am going to keep a close check on this lymph node under your arm. It is a tumor. If it gets bigger, we will need to scan and possibly radiate.
Me: (crying)
Mom: Okay. I trust you.
Dr. Penland:This is the pattern that we treat small cell patients. If this medicine isn't working, we have a couple more options. Small Cell spreads very fast. Its a booger. (She looks at me. Hands me a tissue.) You gotta hold it together Nikki.
Me: I know. I will. I usually do. There has been alot of build-up to these scan results. I was expecting bad news. This is really hard.
Dr. Penland: I know. It could be worse though.
Mom: (Looks at me) I am going to be fine. I am fine.

( During mom's appt Monday. It was very emotional)

Me: Nori do you have poo poo?
Nori: Yah
Me: Who poo poo'd in your diaper?
Nori: Daddy did it
Me: Who took your shoes off?
Nori: Neva
Me: WHo took your bow out and threw it down?
Nori: Me

(Interrogating Nori about her appearance as we pull up at Wal Mart)

Neva: Nori, look at me. Look at me now.
Nori: Ok
Neva: Listen to me. Listen. You have two options. (cupping Nori's face)
Nori: ok
Neva: Do you want to go to walmart or mcdonalds?
Nori: Donald's broke. Slide broke.
Neva: Yeah the slide is broke. But they have fries.
Nori: NO!
Neva: WHATEVER.

(Neva and Nori discussing our next move while in town)

Me: Have you been smoking alot?
Mom: No, I have been asleep (aggravated with the question)
Me: It smells like smoke in here.
Mom: DiD you just come over here to gripe at me?
Me: Yes. What have you ate today?
Mom: Grapes.
Me:Are you going to eat?
Mom: YES, Nikki.
Me: Okay, I guess we are going to go. (sensing her aggravation)

(Couldn't get her on the phone. Went to check on her. Found her on the couch.)

Me: Are you going to start cooking supper at the shop?
Michael: Eventually. No time soon.
Me: I am always alone NOW, you will be gone even MORE then.
Michael: I said it won't be anytime soon.
Me: (crying) I am losing everyone. Everyone is leaving me.
Michael: I said it won't be anytime soon.
Me: (crying harder)

(On our way to a food show in Hattiesburg)

Amber: Josh and I have been throwing up all night, so I doubt I go to school
Me: Yikes! Sorry sweetz! Michael had it last night too.
Amber:I felt horrible all day yesterday.
Me:Anything I can do for ya'll?
Amber: Shoot me and put me out of my misery.

(Amber letting me know I wouldn't have to babysit the boys for class as planned on Thursday)

Amber: I started spotting yesterday. The clinic is closed. My only option is the ER I guess.
Me: Want me to go with you?
Amber: can you keep the boys?
Me: Yes.
(After I get the boys)
Amber: I guess it's silly for me to be sitting here, but I HAVE to know, ya know?
Me: Not silly. Don't worry about the boys they are fine. Just let me know what's going on.
Amber: Just brought me back to a room. Waiting for the ultra sound.
Me: Ultrasound yet?
Amber: Waiting on dr. The bleeding has gotten much worse since I got here.
Amber:  Baby's fine! Showing an infection that could be cause of the bleeding.

(texts back and forth on friday the 11th)

Amber: I just wanted ya'll to know that I had to come back to the ER this morning. I am leaving now. It's a miscarriage.

(Text sent to entire family)

Ronnie:Hey! (excited voice) Everybody ok?
Me: Yeah. I guess. No, actually we are not ok. Mom looks horrible. She is coughing every breath and 3 seconds away from being on oxygen 24/7. She is still smoking like she don't care. Why is she not trying harder? And Amber miscarried this morning.
Ronnie: Ok.
Me: So no, everything is not ok! (crying)
Ronnie: Ok. I'm headed home.

(hang up. Then I call back a lil later)

Me: Hey, hows she doing?
Ronnie: She's asleep.
Me:I'm sorry about earlier. I was just leaving her house. I was upset about how she looked. She was barely talking. She fell asleep with me and the girls sitting there.
Ronnie: It's ok. I didn't know about Amber, that floored me.
Me: Sorry. I thought she text everyone.
Ronnie: It's ok.
Me: I just don't understand why she is still smoking. Why has she not tried harder? How do I just let it go like I am fine with it? When she is gone, will I feel more guilt for fighting with her about smoking or not encouraging her to try harder?
Ronnie: I feel like I will feel more guilt for riding her about the smoking. I have accepted that she don't want to quit. She will smoke the rest of her life. I had to get over it.
Me: I just don't understand.
Me: Anyway. Congrats on your game last night.
Ronnie: Thanks, did ya'll have fun?
Me: Yeah. Mom was quiet. She acted like she felt horrible. But other than that, it was fun.
Ronnie: Good, I was hoping ya'll had fun.

( me and Ronnie discussing mom's condition)

Me: Hey, I just wanted to check on you.
Amber: I'm okay, I am bleeding alot.
Me: I just want you to know that I am sorry you are going through this. Noone should ever have to feel what you're feeling, and you are feeling it for the second time. It doesn't matter how early it is. I know you are hurting.
Amber: (Crying)
Me: (Crying) I have grown to hate the phrase "everything happens for a reason" I really have. But I want you to know that I have been feeling so sorry for myself lately. Like sorrier than anyone really knows. I just feel like everything is falling apart. But this morning, if nothing else positive happens today, just know that I am thankful. I am sorry that it happened this way. But just know that you opened my eyes. We have so many blesings. I love you.
Amber: (crying) I love you too.

(Checking on Amber as I drove from Rhett's bday party Sat.)


Me: (crying in the bathroom)
Neva: (outside the door) Daddy, I hear mama crying. (Michael opens the door looks in)
Michael: Come on Neva. Mama's using the bathroom. (He closes the door)
Neva: She's crying! I wanna give her a sugar and hug.
Michael: Go ahead.
Neva: (opens the door, comes in and looks at me sadly) Mama, why are you crying?
Me: Cause Gammy is sick and I don't want her to be.
Neva: (Reaches and hugs me tight. Then kisses me.) I love you.
Me: I love you too.

(One of my many meltdowns recently. I tried to disguise it, but obviously it didn't work.)

Me: Please God show me how to be a better Christian. A better wife. A more patient mom. A more understanding daughter. I feel like I am failing. I just can't hold it together. Please. Please.

(Crying in the shower)

Mom: I wish I felt better. I am going to tell them tomorrow that I need fluids or something.
Me: I wish you felt better too. My heart is aching for you to feel better. Anything I can do? ANYTHING?
Mom: I just feel so selfish cause I don't even feel like talking.
Me:It hurts to not be able to talk to you, I won't lie. I miss you like you're gone or something. But I KNOW you would if you could. Don't make it any easier though.
Mom: I love you.
Me: Just don't be too hard on yourself. You're down. You'll get back up. I love you.
Mom: Tell the girls I love them.
Me: I will. We love you. Call me if you need me.

( Me and mom texting yesterday, Sunday)

Me: Hey, how you feeling?
Mom: I'm ok. I'm just tired. I'm not really hurting anywhere. My chest is sore from coughing so much.
Me: Have you ate anything?
Mom: Yeah I ate some chicken and drank some soup. I am worried about this lymph node. It was fine until she messed with it. Now it's huge and really sore.
Me: She said she aggravated it. Do you think you need a scan?
Mom: No. She said all they can do is radiate it. I don't know if I can go through that again.
Me: Maybe the side effects aren't the same.
Mom: I just don't know.

(I called her Sunday night to hear her voice. She sounded weak. We had already asked about the lymph node once, and they said the dr. checking it could have caused it to become inflamed.)

Me: (crying) The cancer is growing.
Michael: (Hugging me) You don't know that.
Me: Yes I do. I know it.
Michael: I'm sorry baby.
Me: I need her. (crying harder)
Michael: I know.....(continuing to hold me)

( After talking to mom on the phone Sunday night)