Invincible

When you were a teenager, did you make any decisions that you regret? Maybe just one. One really stupid decision that you wish you could take back. Maybe you dated a questionable character against your parents wishes. Maybe you got behind the wheel, though for whatever reason you didn't need to be. Maybe you went along with a group, though you knew their actions were inappropriate. Maybe....Just maybe...You tried smoking.....and you liked it....And maybe, that "like" turned into addiction. And maybe that addiction has followed you like a relentless stalker since that day.

There are alot of cancer awareness commercials coming on tv this month. I find myself unable to watch them, though I know this is a serious matter. There was this one where an attractive woman, a "cool" hip hop guy, a strong cowboy, and other influential characters were saying "cigarette ads tell you that if you smoke you can look like me or be like me...." Then the next person you see is frail and skeleton like. His color is gray. His hair is gone. He is hooked up to oxygen and in a wheel chair. He looks at the camera and gasping for air he says: "in reality, you will just look like ME". I became very upset after watching this. I kept picturing my mom. This wonderful woman in my life that I have watched lose weight, lose her lively color, lose her hair, and I've seen her more times than I'd like to recollect, hooked up to oxygen. He was her. She was him. I cried uncontrollably after the commercial aired.

Cigarettes didn't seem to be such a big deal when I was an experimenting teenager....My mom smoked. My dad smoked. My grandparents smoked. Some of my friends smoked. I mean, mom coughed pretty bad, but that wouldn't happen to ME if I smoked. I was too young. Too tough. But now that I am in this situation, they are my nemesis. They are stealing my mom from me. They are stealing the grandmother from my children. I despise them. I question their existence all together. I mean, when mom was a teenager, the research had not yet revealed what technology has allowed it to reveal to us today. Now that we know what they can do, why are they still legal? They are little murderers that deserve the treatment of any other murderer or thief....removal from society.

My mom still struggles with her addiction. You may not understand. You may think to yourself "if it was ME I'd _______", but you don't really know that do you? You don't know what you would do if a doctor told you that you had ONE year left on earth. Neither do I. I let her know daily that I am not okay with her smoking, though I do not (and will not) pretend to know what she is going through. Addiction is addiction. Whether it's alcohol, chewing tobacco, heroin, gambling, or smoking....It takes a hold of you and doesn't let go without a fight. My mom fights the cancer like a champion. But she has succumbed to her addiction. It angers me to a point that I sometimes have to walk away. I walk away to keep from tainting our remaining time. I could easily "let her have it". But what would it get me? A ruined day, a wasted moment, and a lifetime of regret. Yesterday, looking at the cigarette in her hand I asked, "Mom, why haven't you even tried to explain to me why you still smoke? I don't understand and you won't explain it." She sat silently. I was pushing my kids on the swing set when I began to cry. I continued to push. The kids looked at me confusingly. "It's like you don't even care. You're not even trying" I choked out through my tears. "I DO care" she snapped back, breaking her silence. "Well you don't act like it" I said, trying to keep the conversation honest, without letting it escalate into an argument. " I just don't understand" I said as I sat down next to her. I was crying pretty hard at this point and the kids' childish grins had been replaced with looks of concern and fear. Mom said "you're upsetting the kids". I knew that was it. I wasn't getting my much desired answers. I wasn't getting anything. So I dropped it. I made myself stop crying. And I forced myself to act "normally" for the remainder of our visit. When I got home, I cried to Michael about my confusion. The cancer isn't going away, I get that. Addiction: I kind of get that too. But when you have been told that continuing to smoke could hinder your remaining time, and you continue to do it, I DON'T get that. Maybe I never will.

I have been thinking about some of the dumb choices I made as a teenager. They are actually COUNTLESS! But, there is a question that keeps plaguing me. I know actions have consequences. I know from CAUSE comes EFFECT. But what I cannot fathom in my mind, is why must a person pay the ULTIMATE price for a bad decision they made as an unknowing teenager? Reading this at home, you may be thinking "she knew the consequences of her actions". Well, true. But we all kind of flatter ourselves to think we can beat the odds, don't we? When you do a "rolling stop" at a stop sign, you don't REALLY think you're going to get sideswiped. When you eat bacon every morning before a ten hour work day, you don't think you'll have a heart attack at 40. When my mom, MY MAMA, my best friend, the person that has a heart of gold and has ALWAYS been there for me, picked up that first cigarette over 30 years ago, she didn't think, that she would DIE because of it. I just wish I could go back and talk to her. I wish I could look that young girl in the face and say "Please don't do it. People need you. You are so special. You are stealing irreplaceable memories from your future family. Please, just don't do it." But looking back at yourself, myself and any person back when they were an invincible teenager, would they have listened?