Tough Pill to Swallow

Thanksgiving brought with it turkey, dressing, family togetherness, a few extra pounds, and an overwhelming fear of what next Thanksgiving will be like.

 Wednesday night we found ourselves at my dad's house. My sister in law, Amber cooked a huge spread and we gathered with our dad for the first Thanksgiving since he and my mom divorced (approximately 15 years ago). There are holidays that bring us together, for whatever reason, Thanksgiving was never one of them. This year, my little brother came up with a great plan to pull his family together, without upsetting standing traditions---celebrate the night before. It was very nice to see the kids play with their Pop. It was great to see my brothers smiling and talking. Everyone had a great time, and the food was delicious. I was very proud of Josh and Amber for organizing the whole thing.

Coming home from the mountains, going straight to my dad's, and not arriving home until 10pm, didn't allow alot of time for the baking and cooking I usually do for the holiday. For the first time in my adult life, I made one thing---a ham. I felt guilty not helping out more, but I have to admit, the day was much more enjoyable minus the panic of cooking and the anxiety of "will they like it? I HOPE they like it!"...

First we went to Michael's aunt's house. We always go there, but never spend enough time, in my opinion. Unfortunately, we have two events that are scheduled at the same time. We try to divide our time as best we can. After a quick bite, the kids playing with their cousins, and a little visiting with loved ones, we headed out to Taylorsville.

This would be my first Thanksgiving without my Papaw. The gathering was at his old house that my uncle now owns. I walked into the room where he always sat. I did this a couple times. I hoped to see him sitting in his chair. I hoped to hug him and talk to him like old times. But all that greeted me was an empty room.

I cried several times throughout the day. Missing him. Worried about mom. At one point my cousin, Kody, (wise beyond his years and gentle as can be) hugged me and said "it's not so bad...." That was the one time that I cried visibly. My tears, until that point, had been somewhat disguised. I wanted to say "you're right", but I also wanted to say "yes they are". I kept glancing at mom. She doesn't look too great. I mean, she's beautiful, but she is very skinny, frail, pale, and weak looking. She held up good. Health wise and emotionally. I was very proud of her. All of her siblings did too. I know this was a hard day for them. My heart ached for their first holiday minus either parent.

This thought made me wonder about my mom. The thought has been lingering in my heart and mind for a while. Will she be here next year? Can I do a holiday without her? Can I do anything without her? I mean I know I can.....If I lose my mom I won't lock myself in a room or wind up in a straight jacket. My mom raised me to be tougher than that. BUT it will be hard. Unimaginably hard. How will life be?  How will I be? I have already lost so much of myself through this situation. I realized, as I was surrounded by my family, that I am not the same Nikki I was 6 months ago. The one that laughed and joked and moved from room to room during our gatherings, sure to speak to everyone. That Nikki has been replaced with a quiet, timid, person, whose only smile is forced. I was mad at myself for not even being able to fake it. Perhaps, she is gone forever. Perhaps she is buried under a mountain of pain and fear and will return soon. Only time will tell.

The weekend proved to be pretty horrible for my mom. Her condition has deteriorated greatly. She is in a tremendous amount of pain (right side, right arm, upper back). We felt confident that the knot protruding from the side of her ribcage was the source of her pain. We also felt confident that knot was cancer. Sunday was probably the worst day yet. She could not find a comfortable position. The girls and I attended church alone, then spent most of the remainder of the day at her house. She slept when she wasn't up crying in pain. At one point, Neva asked "Gammy, why do you have tears?" "I don't know baby. I don't know" she responded with more tears welling up. It has to be the worst feeling to watch a loved one  in pain, and be completely unable to help them. I rubbed her back and arm to try and help her find some relief. I fought tears as my hands bumped across bone after bone. She used to be so plump and healthy. Now it seems all that is hiding her skeleton is skin. The lump in my throat would not fade. Her physical pain brought me tremendous emotional anguish. Unable to successfully sit up for too long, she returned to bed. I cooked her some soup, and headed home not long before the girl's bedtime. I cried silently the whole way home. When I arrived home and the girls were safe and happy with their daddy, I snuck away to the bedroom. I sobbed uncontrollably into my pillow. Though I knew I was alone, I kept saying "I can't. I can't. I can't." I am not sure why I repeated those words. They just slipped from my heart without permission. I felt my heart breaking into a million pieces. I remember saying (very similar to a child) " I want my mama. I want my mama." a couple times too. It is almost as though my heart was doing the talking. I don't remember thinking these things, before I said them. I don't believe I have ever cried that hard in my life. When the sobbing calmed down, I prayed that God would help me understand. Why do I have to watch my mama hurt? Why am I watching her dwindle away? Why must such a wonderful person suffer so horribly? I even found myself selfishly thinking of all the horrible people in the world, committing unthinkable acts, and living healthy lives..Why my mom? I know that's a horrible thought. But for the sake of being honest, it isn't the first time I have thought it through this ordeal.

Monday's appointment with Dr. Penland revealed what we pretty much already knew. They think the cancer is growing. They feel confident, without scan results, that the growth on under her skin on her ride side is tumor. This can only mean one thing.......the chemo is not working. Then the doctor dropped a bomb. Apparently, if chemo #1 stops working, then chemo # 2 doesn't work, chances are none will. Mom has a stubborn type of small cell that grows regardless of medicine. I cried through the appointment. Mom was strong. She doesn't even react anymore. She just listens, and says "I'm going to be fine". Dr. Penland looked at me and said "You guys have to prepare yourselves, small cell is tough". I am as prepared as I can be, I think. Yes I cry. I cry alot. Alot, alot. Mostly when I am alone, or when I am forced to talk about it. But I hold it together for mom. I hold it together for my kids. I always will. But am I "prepared" to watch my mom die? No. Not even close. Dr. Penland has been very upfront with us from the beginning. I respect all that she says. I even understand why she told us to try and prepare ourselves. However, I think it is an impossible task.

Monday night we temporarily put the sadness behind us, (just as my mom taught me) and honored Ronnie with a surprise congrats party for his team, the Laurel Tornadoes, winning South State and now heading to Jackson for the State Championship. We are so very proud of his accomplishments as a coach. I cooked one of his favorite meals, lasagna, and Amber made football shaped cookies. The kids made signs that we hung all around the house. He was excited when he walked in and was greeted with a great, big "SURPRISE!!!" The only thing, I think, that could have made it better is if mom had been in the room with us. She was in bed. She came out a couple times and even tasted my lasagna! But most of her time was spent resting. If she was well, it would have been her  lasagna waiting on Ronnie. I hoped she might be proud of me, for continuing on with a dinner we would have definitely had in our pre-cancer life.

Today was mom's CT scan. When the dye was sent through her body, she became ill and vomited on herself. When she exited the scan area,  me, Neva and Nori were in the waiting room. I could tell she was on the verge of tears. I just hugged her tight and went to get the car. She was pitiful. Alot rides on the results of this scan. We should receive the news tomorrow. However, regardless of the results, mom will have to have radiation again. Like I said, they feel confident that the visible growth is cancer. If the cancer is the source of her pain, ( and they feel it is) they must radiate it to improve mom's quality of life. We meet with Dr. Pimperl (the radiation dr.) tomorrow. Mom originally said she could not handle anymore radiation. It was HORRIBLE last time. But, they assure us that the side effects won't be bad this time. I guess we will see.

A reoccurring thought in my mind is "will mom be here for Mili's birth?". I have, reluctantly, accepted that my mom could miss alot of events in the distant future. However, it wasn't until recently that I started worrying about the near future. Tomorrow I will find out, not IF, but HOW MUCH, mom's cancer has grown, to what all areas it has spread, and what the next move will be. I keep reminding myself who I am worried about.....MAMA, the toughest person I know. She is a fighter like no other. But her opponent is relentless. I am absolutely terrified.

Mountains Trip

We left out on Friday night. We decided to take Jamina's car, so it would be more comfortable for mom. Me and mom would jokingly wave to one another occasionally, because it felt like she was so far away from me. The ride wasn't nearly the nightmare I thought it would be. The kids were pretty great.

We got a room at 3am in a little town called Ooltewah. Our room was nice, but we were too sleepy to really care.

The kids caught their second wind as we unloaded them from the car. I didn't think we would ever get them back to sleep. Mom enjoyed the show.

Michael threatened to sleep with mom, if the kids didn't calm down.

Mom slept through alot of the driving. But she was a great help with the girls when they became restless in their car seats.

Poor Michael drove the whole time. Our ears started popping as we got closer and closer.

I was so excited to see us headed toward this beautiful view! None of us have ever seen anything like it before! All my mom kept saying was "THIS IS BEAUTIFUL! I LOVE IT! THIS IS SO BEAUTIFUL!" It was great to see her child-like enthusiasm.

We drove through Cade's Cove before going to our cabin.

Mom couldn't do alot of walking, nor could I. Nor did the girl's want to. But The drive was beautiful.  Breathtaking views and tons of deer.

We DID see TWO bears as we were leaving Cade's Cove. I was SOOOO excited, but I didn't have my camera ready!

Next came time to check into our cabin. I was scared it would look completely different than it did online....

It did not disappoint! It was beautiful! Our views were incredible.

Mom got the whole upstairs loft. It was a Master suite. Of course, worry wart over here spent the entire time scared to death that she would slip down the stairs.

We went and got groceries, cooked supper,  and spent the night relaxing by the fire.

We had a home cooked breakfast and supper EVERY day! In fact we only ate out once the entire time!

Our first full day, we were tourists to the fullest. We took in Gatlinburg and all it's beauty.

We went to the arcade, "for the kids"........

Mom had listened to me, the pregnant one, go on and on "fudge, fudge, fudge!" So during one of our little breaks, she treated all of us to some delicious and terribly expensive fudge!

I wasn't sure it was the greatest idea, for mom or ANY of us, but we decided after our day in town, that we would follow it up with an evening in Dollywood.

IT WAS ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL! There were Christmas light everywhere! Gorgeous isn't a strong enough word. Mom was tired and cold. The weather was kind of yucky. I was very worried about her.

Of course she put on a smile in between shivers for her babies. They rode rides and ate cotton candy and took in the views.

I had fun, but I had fear in my heart that mom was over-doing it. I know her. I know her facial expressions. Though she denied it,  I could tell she was wearing down. We cut it short and headed home.

The next day, as I feared, mom was exhausted. TOO exhausted to get out of bed. We spent the day relaxing while she slept. The girls "swam" in the hot tub.

That night (Monday) came the much dreaded Dixie Stampede. I am not really one for rodeos and stuff like that. I am certainly not one for forcing my kids to sit for 2 hours. But OH MY GOODNESS! That remains my absolute FAVORITE part of the trip! It was the Christmas show and it was incredible! My kids loved it! It was the one meal we ate outside of our cabin, and it was DELICIOUS! It was GREAT, GREAT, GREAT!

The view from our porch.

Haha, it wouldn't be like me to take a good picture, now would it? Check out the view behind mama.

Tuesday we headed toward home. We made a quick stop by Ruby Falls. It was nice. Not the best thing for a family with small kids, because there are no strollers allowed. Not a great thing if you are claustrophobic either! You are inside a cave for over and hour! Mom and I both were hurting in our backs from all the walking (over a mile), But the waterfall at the end of the tour is gorgeous!

Goofing off in the car........

 Our last night was spent in Fort Payne Alabama. We stayed in a great Hotel with an indoor pool that the girls adored.

On Wednesday, we made it back into Mississippi and hurried to get started on our Thanksgiving chores.

 I am so happy that me, Michael and my brothers helped cross one more thing off of my mom's wish list--she got to see the mountains. She says that she had a blast, but like any vacation--it was exhausting. I was sad to see the trip end, but glad to be home.

Thankful Is As Thankful Does

I have been reflecting quite a bit lately. Reflecting on my life a year ago, my life today, and wondering (with fear) what my life will be like next year. I spend alot of time thinking the worst and fearing the inevitable. Very seldom, (very, VERY seldom) do I actually sit and ponder all my blessings. In honor of the holiday season, I would like to take the time to do that now.

My new found relationship with God-
I believe I am most thankful for this, because I have never experienced it until now. I have never had strong faith or belief, or any kind of spiritual knowledge. I am just beginning on my journey, but already I am certain this was the path always meant for me. I am eager and excited to learn and grow in my faith.

My family-
Without Michael, I don't know where I would be right now. I try not to ever think about it. It is such a difficult thing to picture. He brought with him into my life, my first love, my marriage that absolutely defines me, and my beautiful children. My girls keep me young, and make me old at the same time. When everything is negative and I can't stop the tears, it is always my family that brings me back into the light. I often talk to Mili. I know she can hear me in there. I tell her that I am sorry that she feels my sadness. I tell her that I love her and anxiously await the day I hold her and introduce her to her Daddy and her sisters. Yes, indeed, my family is the love of my life and the epitome of thankfulness.

My time with my mom-
I have been told by people (in an attempt to soothe me) that I should be thankful for this time with my mom. They say that some people never get the chance to say goodbye. At first, I disagreed. After all, how do YOU like to take YOUR bandaid off? Then, I kind of understood. Now, I agree with them. I am thankful for a lifetime of memories with my mom. I am even thankful that we were given this "warning" that my mom's time could be cut short. It gave us the incentive to live life to the fullest and take advantage of every moment. It encouraged us to have conversations, hug, kiss, explain, apologize, laugh, love and do all the things one might take advantage of otherwise. My mom is why I am who I am. She is my best friend. I am so thankful God gave her to me, no matter what length of time he decides to let her stay with me.

Technology-
All of the doctors, the tests, the medical staff, the medicines....It has kept my mom here with me this long. I don't pretend to understand much about the medical field. But what I do know, is that without the intelligent minds and big hearts that brought us the technology we have today, my mom would not be here right now.

Family and Friends-
You know that moment you feel like you just can't take anymore? I feel that alot lately. It is always in that very moment that Josh, or Ronnie, or Amber, or Jamina calls to say "hey". It is in that moment that a friend or a neighbor shows up with a plate of food and a hug. I am so very thankful that I have good people in my life that understand that though the lump in my throat is too large for me to talk...Their presence makes me feel better. I find myself avoiding conversation lately. It is too hard to talk. Even if it's not about my mom. I do better, if I just listen. Luckily, I have plenty of loving individuals to listen to. I love them all very much.

Time-
Wow. When you're a kid, time doesn't exist until you are wishing it away so that class will let out, Christmas will come, or you will get off work from your part-time job to start your fun filled weekend. It is only when you are grown, or in my case, presented with a hourglass full of sand, that you truly come to appreciate time and what it offers you. I now know that tomorrow is not promised. I know that moments should not be wasted. I know that memories are for making. I am thankful that God has taught me to appreciate time for how absolutely precious it actually is.

With all the sadness that surrounds a situation where a family has an ailing member, you can find yourself lost in a sea of sorrow. It is sad that I don't take the time to really look at all this beauty and all these wonderful gifts in my life. I can say that I am thankful all day long-but I know it means nothing unless I actually feel it, mean it and live like it. I will try to not dwell on the negative. To not wait on a specific holiday to reflect on my blessings. And to understand that there are things that I cannot change. However, I can change. I can remember my blessings EVERY day, and thank God for them. I am forever thankful of our ability to make mistakes, learn from them and change.

Running, Running, Running

You ever notice how beautifully rare those little moments are? Those little moments that are filled with nothing, yet are so fulfilling. They are so few and far between, but man, they make life worth living. I need more moments like that.

When I woke up yesterday, I immediately began cooking a light breakfast for my girls, while they continued to sleep. Running through my head were the average thoughts "I hope we don't get bad news today", "I hope the girls behave while I am gone", and " I hope I have some jeans clean that actually fit" (I haven't been loyal to our laundry lately). Anyway, I was calling mom every 10 min or so, to make sure she was awake and ready for her 8:20 appt. I was supposed to meet her there. After calling several times, I phoned Amber and asked her to ride over and wake mom up. She did. She reported back that mom was awake and about to get ready. Next came the waking of my girls and that morning marathon of breakfast, finding outfits, arguing over why the outfit isn't good enough, then finally leaving. Neva wanted to stay with her best pal, her dad, at the donut shop. So I dropped Nori at her Nay Nay's then headed off to town. Once Neva was settled, I flew over to the clinic. It was 8:30. I was late. I pulled into the parking lot preparing my story for mom..."I woke up in plenty of time, but YOUR grand kids held me up!!! Bla bla bla" but that's when I noticed that she wasn't there. Her car was nowhere to be found. I had a moment of fear, before deciding nothing was wrong, she had just fell back asleep. I called a couple times. She finally answered "Hey...I fell back asleep....I am coming". I sat there on the bench. I HATE being alone with my thoughts. I thought of the days that mom awoke at 2:30 am, worked a full day, then hung out with me, then attended a ballgame. She was wide open back then. "Back then"....Seems like years ago, but it was only a few months. Things change so drastically, so quickly. How fatigued must your body be, to sleep hours upon hours and NEVER feel rejuvenated? I can't even imagine. My thoughts were interrupted by the sight of that little car whirling into the parking lot. "I'm sorry, baby....I'm SO sorry".... She was almost an hour late for her appt. "Mom, why are you apologizing?"  "I don't know....I feel bad...I just couldn't get up".

Unfortunately, the appointment did not include all of the information that I thought it would. We DID find out that mom's sodium was up a bit, so that's good. Apparently, if your sodium gets too low, it affects your brain function. When the nurse revealed this information to me, I immediately flashed back to some of the "senior moments" my mom has been having. She has been calling the kids by the wrong name. I know what you are thinking "I do that ALL the time..." Well, so do I...But this is different. She was really confused when she did it. This was not a normal mix up. One day, she couldn't remember Noah's middle name. When we told her it was Blake, she disagreed. She DISAGREED. She told us later that she kind of felt aggravated that we were telling her she was wrong. That's not all, there are tons of examples. Small things. She knows something has been wrong with her cognitively. Not in a really bad way, but definitely in a noticeable way. I had thought to myself that there might be some growth with the brain tumors....But now we can hope that her sodium has been hindering her thinking. Once they confirmed a rise in her sodium level, they proceeded with the chemo.

As I sat with her, waiting for urine and blood test results, I noticed something that melted my heart. A timid face walked in. He caught a glimpse of mom, and spoke to her. She spoke back. Then he found his seat next to her. She whispered to me "yesterday was his first day". I sat for several minutes listening to her "prep" him for whats to come. She was sweet with her words. She was encouraging. She was exactly the person he needed to be talking to in order to ease his fear of the unknown. I was so proud of her. I was happy that he had her.  After I realized that there would be no big changes, or reveal of big news, I headed off to get the girls. I picked them both up then headed to meet Amber at mom's house to watch the boys while she went to school. Mom was close behind me, when she finished her chemo. She told me, nonchalantly, that she had fallen asleep while sitting at a red light. I don't think she expected me to react so strongly. The thought of my mom falling asleep behind the wheel is a terrifying one. She assured me that she would never endanger the lives of others, and that she was fine to drive in the future. She said it was an isolated incident. But I worry. She is on alot of strong medications and her little body is fighting a battle most of us cannot imagine. She is exhausted. i sometimes wonder if she needs to be driving herself. The thought of robbing her of her independence breaks my heart, but it is something I will be watching very closely from here on out.

We sat on the porch for a while, watching the boys play while the girls were down for nap. She glanced across the street at her neighbor who is also battling cancer. She was standing on her carport. Their glances met and they waved to one another across the way. Mom wondered aloud "I sometimes wonder if she feels like I do. Like I need to do this. I need to do that. I need to go see 'so-n-so'. I need to, because I know I won't be able to one day. But I just can't, today". I didn't respond. I knew that I could not put in an educated opinion. This statement made me realize that mom thinks she is not making the best of her time. I disagree. I think she has done wonderfully sprinkling her time and attention over us all. And I told her so.

She seemed tired, but she played in the yard with the kids for a bit. She was positive with her demeanor and smiling a good bit. I'm not complaining. Once the girls woke up, they all tried to run and catch leaves....

(this was one of "those" moments)

The smell of Autumn. The sight of beautiful leaves falling to the ground. The feel of a cool crisp breeze. The orangey pink hue in the sky. The sound of little giggles running through the yard as they watch their sickly best friend run and catch leaves....

The kids once saw some little kittens under the house next door, so they decided to sit and wait for them to come back out (They never did). I explained that the kittens were older now, and probably roaming the neighborhood somewhere....But my explanation fell on deaf ears.

The kids had a great time. Mom had a great time.

Mom offered to keep the girls for me so that I could attend my OB appt at 9:30 this morning. She had to go to her clinic for an additional urine test, but other than that she was free. I told her that maybe it wasn't the best idea for her to wear herself out babysitting, but she insisted. So this morning, I jumped up running again. I started blowing her phone up pretty early, and was able to get her up pretty easily. After the morning marathon, we headed to moms. When I pulled up, I noticed she had not made it home yet. I thought to myself "I am late again". When she got there, I immediately headed toward my clinic in Ellisville. It wasn't too bad, I was only 5 minutes late. I signed in, sat down and took a deep breath...(I have to remind myself to relax these days). Then the receptionist called me up to the desk. "Ms Garcia, your appt was YESTERDAY". I sarcastically thought to myself "maybe I need to get my sodium checked". I rescheduled, then headed to get the girls, once again. I was mad at myself. I just can't get it together these days. When I got to her house, I told mom about my mix up with a lump in my throat. I was so aggravated I was about to cry. My mom laughed at me sympathetically and hugged me. She has a way of looking at things so much "lighter" than me. For me a catstrophe, for her a simple solution . A moment when I think my kids are destined for prison, she smiles and finds humor in their actions. Today, when my buttons were pushed and my heart was feeling overwhelmed with day to day tasks-- She smiled, hugged me and told me I needed to slow down.

Since I had no appointment and the morning was free, she followed me to Kim's Toyota, so that I could get my oil changed. We decided to have lunch. Anytime you ask my girls what they want for lunch, it is a unified "CHINESE FOOD!", so that's what we had.

It was a Noodle-Suck Race

Neva was a close 2nd, but Gammy won every time.....

After lunch, we went to the mall, where Nori decided to throw a tantrum. I didn't have to deal with this too much with Neva, but the last week or so has proven very challenging with Nori. I try to ignore her and not reward her with ANY attention.

If you look carefully, you can see my daughter laying on the floor. Don't worry, she didn't see me take this picture. And I didn't let her get out of my sight. But I had to pretend like I was going about my business. I had to FORCE my mom to walk away. She would have showered her with attention for this little stunt. When I asked her not to she replied "I'm A GRANDMA, I can't do that" and she walked away aggravated at my request. Soon Nori got up, and we headed over to Kim's to get my car. I mentally swore off shopping until all kids are in school. 

Before mom dropped me off, sensing my aggravation with myself, my kids, my everything, she leaned over and kissed me and said "I think you're doing a great job". She will never know how such a small comment can make such a BIG difference for me.

I have been thinking about all the running. Running here, running there, I mean, that's just life, right? But then I think about mom....Regretting how she has been spending her time. For the first time, I think she worries that time is running out. She talks about things she wants to do. Things she wishes she had done.  But EVERYone's time is ticking away, isn't it? Isn't that how we should all look at it? Not just her. Not just the sick. Not just the elderly. ALL of us. Life isn't going to stop because I have had some sort of revelation that time is flying away from me....But I can make an effort...I mean a valiant effort, to create more of those moments in my life. Those beautifully rare moments. I think my mom has been trying to teach me this in a round about way. She is constantly encouraging me to stop worrying and enjoy life. But I have been running to fast to hear. I'm listening mama.

The Stuff You Missed.....

Neva's first night in her big girl bed....(11/4)

Also, Nori's first night in her toddler bed

Visiting T-ville

Riding w Pawpaw

Didn't make it to the game. So we had a Post-Tornado-win breakfast. Mom barely ate a thing.

We made it to the next one... Go Tornadoes! (She looks weak, doesn't she?)

This COULD have been a fun night. But, Mom was really down. Amber had been to the ER on this morning. She was bleeding. They said the baby was fine. It was the next morning that she returned to the ER and received the bad news.

Rhett! Don't eat the corn! Play in it! (His 1st bday at Mitchell Farms)

"The Pose"

"MAMA! THERE'S BEES ON THE CAKE!!!" There were yellowjackets everywhere!

The little party was precious.....I would reccommend this spot to anyone throwing a party for any age kid. You get all the perks of the pumpkin patch, with none of the crowd.

They did so good on the little train......

They had a great time....Can you tell?

Sprinkles' first bath...She HATED it...

Barkley's first bath too....He loved it!!!

Temper tantrum city.....Welcome to the terrible two's......

I haven't been snapping many pictures lately. I have been pretty down about my mom. I can't really describe to you how bad it's been. She is sleeping non-stop, coughing every breath, barely talking and NEVER smiling. She is pitiful. I have just been beside myself with mixed emotions. The most dominant feeling: Overwhelming fear. She went to the dr. today for her weekly checkup. They gave her a bag and a half of drip and did bloodwork. The bloodwork revealed that she is definitely anemic, but not low enough to receive a transfusion. The results also showed a very low sodium level. If you will think back, a low sodium level landed mom in the hospital the day after her VERY FIRST chemo treatment. Dr. Penland told us back then that it was due to the cancer. We haven't had the sodium issue since, because the chemo has been shrinking the cancer, then maintaining the cancer. With the sodium issue returning, it makes me think that there is some big movement taking place in her body. They felt the tumorous lymph node under her arm today as well. It has been enlarged and irritated since the dr. checked it last week. The dr. pretty much confirmed our fears. She feels like the tumor is growing. This can only mean one thing.....Mom's not responding to this chemo. I am so scared. Things are moving fast and it seems like our options are running out.

After her fluids, she had a little energy. She cooked us a big ole' meal. Fried pork chops, greens, peas, mac n cheese, corn, and I made biscuits...( I never said it was a healthy meal). We all joined together (minus Ronnie who was working) and had a good time. Josh started his new job today, so tonight was sort of a celebratory meal. Although the moral wasn't as high as it would have been at these type dinners in the past,  it was nice eating some of mama's cooking again....She's still got "it". But the best part was seeing her up off the couch for the first time in a few days. She seemed tired, but better.

Tomorrow she will receive further testing. They will decide our next move tomorrow. My mother in law is keeping the girls so that I can attend. I am sick to my stomach with fear. Please pray for my mom....