Gaining Myself

The time has come for me to know what paint colors that I want in each room of our new house. Michael's input: "Whatever you think". So I have been going back and forth and back and forth with this. After locking in some "color" choices I had to sit down....

I couldn't believe what I chose. What happened to me?

Have I completely lost myself?








When I was 17 I got PURE ADDICTED to the show Trading Spaces.

I mean, ADDICTED.

It was so cool seeing the different designs and the before and after was just so fun for me! (Nerd).... A couple years into my new addiction I had branched out to many, many more home improvement shows. I eventually got brave and decided to redo my bedroom at my mom's house. I was a student and worked part time, but was determined to do the work and pay for it myself.  First, I pulled up the carpet in my room. Then, I bought tile (the kind that sticks down) and I redid my floor right by myself. It looked really good too! Then, I chose a bright yellow paint color with a crisp white trim. I bought myself a daybed, that gave me so much floor space. I painted my old dresser and my other furniture and it was complete! I was so proud of myself! But during the process, (which was much longer than one hour), I decided painting and decorating wasn't for me. I was really pumped for the first few brush strokes, but then I wanted life to go to commercial and come back to my room being finished. Commercial never came, and I quickly got bored with the process.

Years passed and my love for my home design shows grew deeper and deeper.... I soon forgot that the "before and after" takes much more dedication than watching a television show. My mind was on fire with "design ideas" for our new home. Before moving into our trailer, I knew what color I wanted every room.... And every room was going to be a different color. There were some pretty quirky and unique choices. Some of which I regret (The bright blue bathroom, the black trim in our bedroom etc....)  My boredom with the real life process shows in our little trailer, where there are still paint smears on the ceiling and visible brush strokes all over the place. It is obvious I lost interest and just threw it up there.

BUT, I knew what I wanted.

And I went for it.

Since then, I have gained a little more experience. We have painted the kids' rooms and have repainted a couple other rooms over the years. I helped my mom paint her kitchen and dining room a few years back. Then when she was sick, I repainted her bathroom and then painted over the bright yellow walls in my old room to give her the quaint guest room she always wanted.

So, when the time came to pick colors for our forever home, I confidently sat down with a color book from Sherwin Williams that Jamina let me borrow and I immediately flipped to the brights.... Then to the muted colors.... Then to the neutrals..... Then to the muted neutrals. The girl that was bold and was perfectly fine making mistakes and not a bit worried about the long term, has turned into a  woman that is so cautious that I caught myself telling Josh I wanted ALL of our walls khaki. Then, when I realized what an old fogy I was being, I decided to be "brave". I told him, instead of just khaki, I  wanted varying shades of khaki to "break it up".

When did this happen to me?

I have spent a great deal of time thinking about this. I mean, becoming a wife and a mom, and leaving my job did change me. I lost privacy. I lost a few nerves. I definitely lost fashion sense. I lost the ability to sneeze, cough, laugh and apparently jump on the trampoline without having to change my pants. Perhaps I lost a lil of my mind too. It hasn't been a total loss....  I gained 40 lbs. I gained a spare tire. I also gained back fat, stretch marks, gray hair and 2 deep wrinkles on my forehead.

But there's more. I gained a few good things too:

Experience. I've been in this situation a time or two. I now know that while color is fun, introducing it with my accessories affords me the opportunity to get bored and not have to repaint... I can just buy different fabric pillows or a new color table runner. I can go with ANY accessory color I want and change it up once every few months if I choose! The sky is the limit with a neutral paint color!

Patience. I'm not as quick to jump into a color choice as I once was. An impulsive or trendy choice doesn't make it more brave.  I now am completely aware that there is no commercial break that miraculously brings the "AFTER". So I want my "BEFORE" to be as perfect as can be and to stand the test of time. That takes a bit more time to weigh out and a lot more thought.

Individuality. I didn't gain this, as I feel it's always been a big part of me. But it's been tweaked a bit. Instead of trying to stand out and express myself with bright yellow and deep blue.... I requested barn wood in our foyer. I wanted stone in our bathroom. I can't wait to see the chalkboard I asked for down our hallway. And I broke it to Josh yesterday that I don't want the spindles on our staircase to match. How's that for quirky and unique?

It is abundantly obvious (in many ways) that I am not 17 anymore. And it may end up looking like a beige-bomb went off in our house....

But I've realized I still have all those attributes that once defined me.... I just picked up a few new ones along the way.

I didn't lose myself.

I gained myself.