Three Years

Dear Mama,

For the last couple weeks I have been thinking about this letter... To be honest, I had no idea what I would say. Almost like running into an old acquaintance after another year has passed... You can't cover everything they've missed--there's just no way. And you can't pretend like you saw each other yesterday, because there's too many holes that need filling in.

So last night I pictured me standing in front of you...
And I started crying immediately at that thought.
Just me and you looking face to face and talking like we've done too many times to count.
And the words started pouring out of my fingertips too fast to process.
So now as my tears hit the key board one by one, I write this letter to you....

As I picture you in front of me, all I can dream of is a hug. Not one of those fake one-handed back pats or cold side hugs that I get from time to time.... but a real, warm, tight squeeze of a hug that says "I'm here." and "Everything is going to be ok." and "I'm proud of you." and "I love you." all at once. I miss those hugs, Mama. What I wouldn't give for just one more.....

Yesterday that night popped in my head. I try not to think of that night, if it's avoidable at all. But Suddenly I was standing in the back of that room....Your old bedroom.. I was invisible and silent and watched the hardest night of my life play out in front of me like a movie. I saw us holding you. I watched you breathing deeper and slower. I saw me not letting myself cry until you were gone. I was scared but somehow calm, (a gift from God, perhaps). We laid our hands and our hearts on you... and together, we watched you go.... and it hurt so bad, Mama. It was excruciating and scary... and yet peaceful and beautiful at the same time. And while I am so glad we were with you in that moment, I hate for it to replay in my mind. The rerun hurts almost as much as the original moment. I watched myself close my eyes tight when I realized you were really gone... and I could vividly feel the sting in my heart all over again. Before walking out of the room that night, I pressed my face to yours, and I kissed your forehead. When I left the room, I couldn't go back in again. I couldn't touch you again after that. I couldn't bare to feel that the warmth had fled your body. You had fled your body. After making the necessary calls, the three of us sat silently in the living room. In that moment we were helpless little kids all over again and simultaneously any youth left in us was drained dry and left a hard wisdom behind... We were sitting separately. We were processing what had just happened individually. We did not speak. We did not embrace. The occasional sniffle was heard, but ultimately there was silence. The nurse came in and closed your door behind her. And soon the hearse was there. Still we sat..... Waiting for you to walk down the hall smiling and tell us all to perk up...... Waiting for someone... anyone to tell us what to do now..... Waiting to wake up from our nightmare.... Hurting horribly for our loss and feeling terribly relieved for your gain all at the same time...... Knowing in our hearts that everything was about to change drastically.


I'm ok, Mama. I really am. Actually, I'm great most of the time. I'll have a few really great months where I think of you, but I smile with each thought. It's during this time that I am so distracted with life that I don't hone in on the gaping hole in my heart. During this time I lean on the love that I have for God and the blind trust I have in His plan. It's during this time that I feel most complete. I feel grateful to have had any time with you at all and abundantly blessed to have had 29 years. This is me most of the time. Then, without warning, a holiday will sneak up, or something great or something hard will happen in my life and I'll slip and have a really bad couple of weeks. It's during this time that I can't stop thinking of you and the sting in my heart is too much to bear.  When I am in this state, I tend to dwell on my confusion regarding God's plan. I often find myself vigorously wishing things were different..... wishing I had you back and life could go back to "normal". Most of this time I feel so alone. Even in a crowded room. Even among family. Even when I am laughing. Even when I am asleep. Right now, I am smack dab in the middle of a bad couple weeks. So for a few days now, the lump has rarely left my throat and the tears pour from my eyes with ease over something.... or nothing. So I pray. I pray hard. I pray nonstop. I pray straight through it. And ultimately, God lifts me and soothes my pain. It is my relationship with God that has pulled me through the last three years. Him and Him alone.

Things have changed a lot since you have been gone. Some of such changes, I have no control over and am slowly learning to accept. Others are beautiful and part of the progression and maturity of one's life. I would elaborate, but I know you see. I know you always see. It is that single thought that pulls me through when I feel like no one understands me. I know you are there. And I know you will always "get" me.

I miss you.

I miss you.

 God help me, I miss you so much.

The fact that it has been three years kills my heart. Who would have thought we could go this long without seeing each other? or talking? I often refer to you as my "best friend" and though I know you played that role for each of us, Me, Ronnie, Josh and your siblings and so many more...you truly were my best friend. My only best friend. And that is what I miss most of the time. Our friendship. I think the loss of a mother, though significant and tragic, would be manageable more so than the loss of my buddy and confidante and everyday hang out partner... It is this loss that has yet to heal and threatens to never do so.

I love that I constantly see you in my girls' smiles. I hear your sweet laugh in their little giggles. I feel you in their embrace. I love when I get to see you and talk to you in my dreams. They are welcomed visits and and I cherish each one more than the last. I love that I feel you in the warm sun and see you in the twinkling stars and smell you in the autumn air. It is in those moments that I remember you will never truly leave me.

As I bring this letter to a close, I want to assure you that I am really really happy. I have such a beautiful life, Mama. I want you to know that though I miss you so incredibly much, I really do know how blessed I am. And I am so, so thankful. And I promise I am, oh so aware, of how precious each moment is and how each breath is a gift from God.... 

And I am beyond grateful for each one He gives me.

 Don't worry about me, Mama.  I am now, and will forever be, your child. And you raised me strong.

So much comfort and strength comes from my knowing we will be reunited when Father calls me Home. 

Until that beautiful day, when I get that sweet hug I long for, 

you keep looking down

and 

I'll keep looking up.

I love you Mama. 

Bushel and a peck,

Hug around the neck..

and all my heart.

Love, 

Nikki

Gaining Myself

The time has come for me to know what paint colors that I want in each room of our new house. Michael's input: "Whatever you think". So I have been going back and forth and back and forth with this. After locking in some "color" choices I had to sit down....

I couldn't believe what I chose. What happened to me?

Have I completely lost myself?








When I was 17 I got PURE ADDICTED to the show Trading Spaces.

I mean, ADDICTED.

It was so cool seeing the different designs and the before and after was just so fun for me! (Nerd).... A couple years into my new addiction I had branched out to many, many more home improvement shows. I eventually got brave and decided to redo my bedroom at my mom's house. I was a student and worked part time, but was determined to do the work and pay for it myself.  First, I pulled up the carpet in my room. Then, I bought tile (the kind that sticks down) and I redid my floor right by myself. It looked really good too! Then, I chose a bright yellow paint color with a crisp white trim. I bought myself a daybed, that gave me so much floor space. I painted my old dresser and my other furniture and it was complete! I was so proud of myself! But during the process, (which was much longer than one hour), I decided painting and decorating wasn't for me. I was really pumped for the first few brush strokes, but then I wanted life to go to commercial and come back to my room being finished. Commercial never came, and I quickly got bored with the process.

Years passed and my love for my home design shows grew deeper and deeper.... I soon forgot that the "before and after" takes much more dedication than watching a television show. My mind was on fire with "design ideas" for our new home. Before moving into our trailer, I knew what color I wanted every room.... And every room was going to be a different color. There were some pretty quirky and unique choices. Some of which I regret (The bright blue bathroom, the black trim in our bedroom etc....)  My boredom with the real life process shows in our little trailer, where there are still paint smears on the ceiling and visible brush strokes all over the place. It is obvious I lost interest and just threw it up there.

BUT, I knew what I wanted.

And I went for it.

Since then, I have gained a little more experience. We have painted the kids' rooms and have repainted a couple other rooms over the years. I helped my mom paint her kitchen and dining room a few years back. Then when she was sick, I repainted her bathroom and then painted over the bright yellow walls in my old room to give her the quaint guest room she always wanted.

So, when the time came to pick colors for our forever home, I confidently sat down with a color book from Sherwin Williams that Jamina let me borrow and I immediately flipped to the brights.... Then to the muted colors.... Then to the neutrals..... Then to the muted neutrals. The girl that was bold and was perfectly fine making mistakes and not a bit worried about the long term, has turned into a  woman that is so cautious that I caught myself telling Josh I wanted ALL of our walls khaki. Then, when I realized what an old fogy I was being, I decided to be "brave". I told him, instead of just khaki, I  wanted varying shades of khaki to "break it up".

When did this happen to me?

I have spent a great deal of time thinking about this. I mean, becoming a wife and a mom, and leaving my job did change me. I lost privacy. I lost a few nerves. I definitely lost fashion sense. I lost the ability to sneeze, cough, laugh and apparently jump on the trampoline without having to change my pants. Perhaps I lost a lil of my mind too. It hasn't been a total loss....  I gained 40 lbs. I gained a spare tire. I also gained back fat, stretch marks, gray hair and 2 deep wrinkles on my forehead.

But there's more. I gained a few good things too:

Experience. I've been in this situation a time or two. I now know that while color is fun, introducing it with my accessories affords me the opportunity to get bored and not have to repaint... I can just buy different fabric pillows or a new color table runner. I can go with ANY accessory color I want and change it up once every few months if I choose! The sky is the limit with a neutral paint color!

Patience. I'm not as quick to jump into a color choice as I once was. An impulsive or trendy choice doesn't make it more brave.  I now am completely aware that there is no commercial break that miraculously brings the "AFTER". So I want my "BEFORE" to be as perfect as can be and to stand the test of time. That takes a bit more time to weigh out and a lot more thought.

Individuality. I didn't gain this, as I feel it's always been a big part of me. But it's been tweaked a bit. Instead of trying to stand out and express myself with bright yellow and deep blue.... I requested barn wood in our foyer. I wanted stone in our bathroom. I can't wait to see the chalkboard I asked for down our hallway. And I broke it to Josh yesterday that I don't want the spindles on our staircase to match. How's that for quirky and unique?

It is abundantly obvious (in many ways) that I am not 17 anymore. And it may end up looking like a beige-bomb went off in our house....

But I've realized I still have all those attributes that once defined me.... I just picked up a few new ones along the way.

I didn't lose myself.

I gained myself.

Married With Children

 My husband, Michael, single handedly runs the family business, Shipley Donuts, here in Laurel. His clock goes off at 3am, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year (minus a couple holidays). He doesn't stand and supervise with hands on hips. He goes in to the shop, makes homemade dough, rolls it out and cuts donuts by hand that he cooks himself... Sound like a dream job? Parts of it are sweet! Being there when the hot donut is dipped in the melted glaze and praying you get a break to down one before they cool off, is pretty awesome... But anyone who wakes up that early every morning knows that you don't catch up on rest, EVER. And standing in a hot kitchen hunched over a table on a concrete floor 12+ hours isn't great on your body. The minute he finishes in the donut kitchen, it's time to start cooking lunch....Hand pattying burgers, cutting up fresh potatoes for fries, homemade chili and gravy and cutting up veggies, stocking and prepping etc. This guy is a stickler for putting out a quality product and really takes pride in his work. Typically, he does not sit down or get a break between donuts and burgers, and if he does, it isn't for long. He deals with the never ending mental pressures of running a business as well: hiring/firing, scheduling, call ins, bill paying, payroll, and any drama that may arise. If you run a business, that part never goes away. You are always "on".  Upon his arrival at home, (typically around 3:30 or 4pm) we hug and kiss, and he loves on the kids. We share for just a moment about how the day has been for each of us. But his "visit" is short lived before he runs out to work on the farm till the daylight is gone. I truly do feel like he might be a workaholic. He literally cannot relax unless he is asleep, (which is pretty much anytime he gets still). This lifestyle is hard on both of us, in different ways. But I do admire his work ethic. And I am grateful for it. His dedication to providing for our family gives me the ability to stay home and raise our children---something I thought I'd never do-- but now can't picture my life any other way. He tries so hard to be everywhere, and to do everything for everyone.... and for the most part, he succeeds. But to be honest, I miss him, just so incredibly much.

The last few days, filled with errands, and running, and work and kid chaos, have seemingly escaped us without warning. There have been sweet moments daily where we hugged tight in the kitchen  as I cooked or washed dishes and he was passing through to change from donut shop gear to farm wear. There have been some stolen kisses here and there and some "I love you" texts between the honey do's and don'ts. But no real quality time lately. When he ran in this afternoon and changed into his overalls, we talked about how much we miss each other... and assured one another we'd spend some quality time together this evening, talking and catching up, while the kids watched a movie in their room. He quickly went outside and worked on the barn while I pulled the lil red wagon up and down our driveway a hundred thousand times, cooked supper, bathed the girls, did two loads of our laundry and one load of donut shop laundry, took care of one lil sickly kiddo and changed two diapers and broke up 10,000 arguments. My patience was wearing thin, and I was looking forward to some quiet time and some adult conversation. He came in well after 7:00 looking exhausted but putting on a silly face for the kids, who all but tackled him at the door. He cant get within Maxx's line of vision without her demanding that he pick her up.  He obliged, gave her several kisses with her giggling and wrinkling up her little nose because of his tickly beard. Then he quickly headed to wash up and get changed. I had his plate fixed for him and he sat down to eat while the kids lounged in the living room watching Thomas the Train. Despite constant interruptions from the kids trying to squeeze every ounce of attention out of him, we spoke about a few things: of course our baby Neva that is not feeling good today and we're both worried about her.... my needing to mail in my old broken cell phone TOMORROW so that we don't have to pay additional fees....... staircase spindles.......and our shared sympathy for a sweet mutual old friend that lost her mom..... After he ate, he called Neva over to him. She had been so quiet and still and tired acting... Completely unlike herself. She climbed on him, with her blanket in hand. She covered them both up. I heard "are you okay, baby?" then a soft "Yes sir". I heard a sweet daddy kiss. I proceeded to put Maxx to bed and was straightening up the kitchen table when I looked in the living room and realized our quality time may have to wait one more day. I've just been in there for a while now watching him sleep on the couch. Neva has been feverish and pitiful, and for the first time in over 24 hours, she seems completely comfortable with her head on his chest...her mouth is slightly open and she is resting sound. His quiet snore is probably offering a slightly comforting vibration that she finds soothing. My heart skipped as I watched them.

Now that my Nori and Mili are both resting for the night as well, I have had a moment to sit and think. These moments are rare and are usually clouded by sleep deprivation or a constant mental to-do list. But for the time being, I have clarity.....I sat in the living room for a while just thinking. I love when it hits you all at once how incredibly blessed you are. I felt overwhelmed... but in a good way. A great way. I took a deep breath. Then I smiled. The truth is, I don't think I could ever get enough of his time. I might never find that perfect amount that is just enough. I'd rather hang out with him than ANY one else in the world. He's funny, and thoughtful and caring, and to me, they just don't get any more handsome.  He is such a manly man....but he can tune into his daughters' feelings and be as sensitive as can be. I can be in my pajamas from the night before, without a drop of makeup and a rats nest of a hairdo and he will tell me I look pretty...and he really means it, I can see it in his poor sheltered eyes! I love the way our girls look at him, but more than that, the we he looks at them. I love that, even though its harder to make it happen now, we both still want to spend time together. Why God saw it fit to put us together, I'll never know. It was definitely an unlikely match. But, I could thank God every moment of every day, for the rest of my life and it wouldn't be near enough. I am so unbelievably grateful for him and our daughters and our beautiful, unique, hilarious, at times overly dramatic, completely chaotic life.

As I made my rounds tonight and pulled all the blankets tight around the loves of my life I couldn't help but think, how could time get any more quality than this?

Tickin' Away

(Some of this rant was typed yesterday....The rest was typed and posted today...)

It seems I am tickin folks off left and right...It's my least favorite thing, as I am a pleaser by nature...But here lately I seem to do it without even trying....So just for today, I will embrace it.


Grocery Store Check out Person:
Speak. Smile. Stop giving me stink eye. At least muster up an answer when I ask how you're doing. I know my kids are getting on your nerves. Guess what? They're getting on mine too. At least you're getting paid to put up with them. Give me a break. Is the customer ever right these days?

Obligatory Guy Riding A Tractor On The Road When We're Late For School:
I get it, you're workin. I respect it. However when the minivan comes up behind you, assume the driver is a mama in panic mode, yet again, and let us come on around.

Sherwin Williams:
Sherwin, Sherwin, Sherwin... You lured me in with the tiny thumbnail sample "modest white". It appeared to be a creamy off white that would be perfect for the trim in our house and our kitchen cabinets. It isn't white after all, is it? Nor is it modest. It is actually very flamboyant and peachy pink. Why Sherwin? Why do you give us so many options and shades and variations of off white? Why cant there just be "off white"? Well maybe there is a plain off white but I just couldn't find it in the mix. Am I truly the only kind of my breed? The kind with a complete inability to make a firm decision. The kind that needs a MAX of 2 options and even then its overwhelming. Surely I am not alone. I appreciate your over achieving attitude toward color creation Sherwin Williams, but why?

Michael:
Ok, so where do I begin? I'll keep it light... Dont say it looks good, when deep down you feel it looks like someone smeared orange sherbet all over our trim. Don't fall asleep when I hand you the cabinet door catalog. Don't say you're cool with seeing Hunger Games, but then whine for weeks because you didn't get to see American Sniper. You're killin me.

The Painters:
After painting most of the trim and doors in our house, you guys got word today that the color would be changed. I get a pure lump in my throat when I think of all the hard work that will have to be redone. I went to out the house earlier, expecting to be pummeled with paint brushes, but instead was met with smiles. I feel kind of like the smiles could have actually been teeth gritting and tongue biting. I can't live with peachy pink. I'm sorry. Don't hate me.

Apple:
Tech GIANT! The most innovative company of our time! This is more of a congrats than anything else.  I just want to express my amazement at your ability to patent the most fragile material since light bulb glass, and to astonishingly, make a phone out of it! Wowy!

Verizon:
Why is it so complicated to come in and get a new phone? I need a new phone but I can't work up enough courage to come in there. Don't ask difficult questions about gigs and stuff that sounds like it's in another language. Seriously, my father in law left with two iPads the last time he came in, and he's literally never been on the internet. You guys are tricky. Some of us don't get it ok? Give me the Zach Morris super size phone, cause that's more my speed. Can I just buy a phone? Just a phone. One with a camera but preferably not made out of light bulb glass.


Nikki (myself):
Stop taking the kids grocery shopping at nap time, you know that's a recipe for disaster, you've had kids for 6 years now. It's time to comprehend that only allowing yourself 20 min to get everyone ready is going to make you late every time, no matter who is in front of you on the road. Why cant you find something, ANYthing you like when you have 10,000 choices? What are you, a diva? Why can't you comprehend that Michael is giving you creative control because he loves you and trusts your taste, not because he wants to punish you? Why, why, why cant you make a decision and stick with it? Why don't you take better care of your stuff, namely, your cell phone? Why can't you get up with the times and learn more about the devices that dominate our society?  Stop being a nerd. The not smart kind.

Now that everyone is ticked at me, (even me),  I'm going to go blow my diet.

A few More Details

Though I was a bit "deflated" about the outcome of the super bowl, as promised, I went out yesterday and took some pictures. The house and porches are a mess so just try not to focus too much on that. But here are a few of the rooms a little more close up. 

Mr Mike was priming yesterday. This is very exciting!

I've wanted painted cabinets in my kitchen for years, although I admit, stained cabinets add some warmth and homeyness to a kitchen. I did want a stained island when planning first began, but after staining and seeing how dark the floor was I quickly backed out of that one. Still not sure if backing out was the best decision. When I look at all this white, I get very very scared. We are not white kind of people (is that a politically correct thing to say?) What I mean is, we like color. We don't really want a drop of stark white in our house, not even on the trim. 

I'm so very very worried. I picked this color for the cabinets and trim. It's called "Modest White" from Sherwin Williams....and literally we locked it down yesterday. But can you even tell where Josh painted the sample? Is it too light? Too yellowish?  I want warmth. I want comfort. I want southern. 

I'm worried. 

I picked from this swatch sheet because I couldn't find any pink or purple or green or yellow hues.... Just an off white. But it being up on that cabinet freaks me out. Crossing my fingers for the best, and repeating "it's just paint" over and over.

(The ceiling isn't arched, I'm just a horrible photographer)

I love my lil mantle above the stove ;)

And I'm pumped about my four lil pantry pullouts. 

Up top spices and big utensils (spatulas, ladels etc),

Down on bottom sheet pans and thin bake wear.

I don't know if we get to keep the 1992 stereo system, I'll have to ask Josh. 

But notice the rectangular cabinet up top? 

Another pantry pull out. I'm thinking canned goods....

Under it, you see just an open cabinet with no drawer openings...

That, my friends, is a pull out for TWO 13 gallon trash cans! 

YES!

We are trashy folks, what can I say?

We can generate a 13 gallon bag of garbage in one day. Not very green of us, I know. Sorry. 

Right now, I pretty much have no place for trash in our trailer. There's a bag sitting on my kitchen floor. Charming, right?

So this double can pull out is so very, very exciting for me! 

In the top corner cabinet, on the bottom shelf, our microwave will be hidden behind cabinet doors. 

At the bottom, there will appear to be 3 drawers on each side. 

Ah, sweet, sweet symmetry.

But, on the left, I will actually only have 2 drawers. One will be bigger for deeper pots.

I will stand here and wash dishes. I wanted to be able to look into the back yard and see the girls playing..... After everything was in, I'm glad there was a little room left on the side of my sink to put in some dish cloth/towel drawers. 

I'll tell you once more about the island, since I'm zoomed in a little more. 

The left opening is the dishwasher. Then, I have three drawers. Michael thinks silverware can go there, because I will probably stand here to fix all of our plates at meal times. Makes sense. But I was thinking that silverware needed to be over by the fridge or close to where the plates are...Any thoughts?

My fridge will be here! There's a huge cabinet above that I can fill up with something too! I'm sorry for going on and on about space..But I'm FINALLY going to have some! I can stop telling people not to buy me anything for my kitchen for Christmas. 

When you walk in the side door, (the door we will use on a daily basis), there is a bench to the right. To the left, a small utility room with a sink for Michael to wash up and a broom closet for me. If you walk through that room you are in our safe room. 

Looking through the foyer at the front door. Yesterday we noticed the humidity had separated our barn wood a little. I'm actually ok with how it looks, although I couldn't get a good read on how Michael felt about it. It's weird how different men and women are when it comes to the aesthetics of a home. 

Looking from the foyer into the living room

The dining room.... Probably never use this ole room but we wanted it for Christmas and Thanksgiving. The next door to the right (If you look closely you can see it) is the pantry.

The pantry

We will have our deep freezers in here along with some shelving.

Coming out of here you can take a left and you're in the dining room 

OR

you can go straight and you're in the kitchen.

Looking from foyer to the left down the hall that leads to the kids' wing of the house. 

The door on the left is an extra bedroom. We are calling it the "office". 

The first door on the right is the guest bath, then next on the right comes the laundry room.

guest bath is small and simple. 

Laundry room

It's not huge. But still a big step up from what I have now. Right now I cant even move in my laundry room. Really....

Right now we are standing in the hall. We are looking into the laundry room. See that other door? It leads in to our master closet. You can see a little of the shelving Josh built if you look closely.

Master bath vanity wall and shower opening.

This picture is misleading, I think. It looks like the stone clashes a bit with the tile and river rock in the shower. It really doesn't, to me. It actually looks really good together.

My tub "room"!!!

Master bedroom. 

You are standing in Maxx's room looking through their bathroom into Mili's room. Their bathrooms are pretty small. There isn't much to them but they are sweet and very efficient.... We know at some point we are going to have 4 hormonal teenage girls needing bathroom time... So we tried to make our lives just a tad easier by giving them this little space. 

To the right is Maxx's vanity. 

Then, the next right is a private water closet. 

to the left is Mili's vanity and the tub unit. 

Neva and Nori's is the exact same as this one. 

Mine and Michael's bedroom is down a mini hallway off the living room. I think this opening is kind of weird looking. We were thinking a decorative sliding barn door might add a little character to this gaping hole in the living room wall. 

This is as far as we are finishing up stairs....For now. 

Storage under the stairs.

This is the non brick side of the house...

I love the paint for now. But one day there will be brick on that side to match the other. We just couldn't see paying for brick now, then covering it up. 

looking out from the back porch

Zoomed in on the front

I'm in love... 

The House 3

Continued from here

This will be the final catch-up installment of house progress. However, the house isn't done, so I'm sure once I get you up to date, I will still talk about it a good bit.

We left off at confusion choosing a siding paint color. I'd love to tell you that got better at some point, but the truth is, I'm STILL not sure about the paint. And it's been painted for months now. I suppose there are some incredibly decisive people out there that make confident and firm decisions everyday and never look back. I am the polar opposite of those folks. The smallest decisions stress me out beyond words. This house has put me to the test in that arena. While Michael has amazingly let me take the reigns and have creative control, it truly has almost killed me making such crucial decisions! His typical feed back consists of  "Yeah looks good", "whatever you think", "oh I don't know", "that's your department", "whatever is cheapest". It's great getting to have some say so (or all of it), but it is torture wondering if I'm making the right decisions. Finally, hesitantly and painfully, "we" decided to go with a very dark shade of forest green, and to trim it in a warm cream. Of course, the wood will soon be stained and sealed as well.

 We wanted our house to be described primarily by two words: "unique" and "rustic"..... With "comfortable" being a close third... Hopefully most of the choices you see that we made throughout this post will reflect that....

Brick begins!

Cue the crying!  You know me by now, and it isn't uncommon for me to shed a tear or two at the drop of a hat...... 

When I saw this brick....looking all pink and orange.....with that ugly green looking mortar....I literally started sobbing. 

For those of you that do not know, I'll tell you what Josh and Michael told me, when I cried to them about my disappointment:  the mortar dries lighter. They were right!

 Now I'm so in love with our brick! 

There is brick only on one side of our house. I know that is weird.. Let me come clean about something: Those plans I showed you aren't exactly all of our house. 

That's just all we are building right now. 

See this triangle-y sitting on top of a rectangle-y part of the house? Some day, hopefully not tooo far away, we will have another of those sitting on the opposite side of the house. It will be our garage and a few more lil gems....One day....

At that point, BOTH sides of our house will be brick and we won't look quite so lop-sided. :)

           

O

M

G

The front door... We looked high and low and at all kinds of doubles and singles and just everywhere and at everything. 

First of all, doors are freakin high, yall!

This was made especially so and even more difficult since the opening we were trying to fit wasn't exactly standard size...It was a bit smaller. So most of our options were custom....

There were units over 5 thousand dollars that we were looking at!

Remember that time I told yall we were frugal? Yeah. 

There are a few things we could spend that much money on, but a door aint one of them. 

In all seriousness, we wanted something nice. We knew this was something we couldn't skimp on. We looked at a ton of special orders. I'd like to take a minute to give Mr. James at City Home Center in Laurel a shout out. He was AMAZING and patient and went above the call of duty for us. 

Ultimately, we ordered a stain-able fiberglass door. No that wasn't us being cheap...

Hear me out.....

We wanted the look of wood, obviously. But, we were advised by a few knowledgeable people in the field that while wood is beautiful, it swells and shrinks and it's not a matter of "will it crack?" its "when will it crack?" We started thinking about our childhood homes...Both with wood doors...both cracked. Being reassured by Mr. Frank at Phillip's in Laurel that the fiberglass door will definitely stain as beautiful as wood and be a lot more durable, we made a decision. 

We ordered a stainable fiberglass door...JUST a door. Then, we showed Josh the picture on the right. We told him we didn't want a window in the arch, we just wanted to stain the wood. 

The left is our unstained unit. 

Amazing isn't it?

Stone work begins! 

This is Josh in a nutshell...See him meticulously arranging stones by size, shape and color to create a unique and cohesive design? 

In the back, stone is only on the bay window. 

In the front, it is all under the porch. 

Our built in book shelf in the kids' hallway

If you stick your right arm out, you will touch Maxx's door. The next one to the left is Mili. They share a bathroom. Then the next left it Nori's. The one at the end is Neva's. They share a bathroom. 

Soon there will be another fun little surprise in this hallway. (No not another kid)

You're in our living room. You are looking at our fireplace. Above it, our tv will be mounted in the stone. You see two doorways (one on each side) leading into the kitchen. 

We closed off the kitchen, against the ever trending "open concept" that most everyone is going for. 

If you look up, you see our coffered ceilings. That is one of my favorite things in the house! We ran it into the kitchen as well. 

We showed Josh a picture of the mudroom bench on the left. 

I can just see it painted with a pile of shoes under it and little back packs hanging. On this day, it started to feel like a home.

JOSH BEGINS MY CABINETRY! FINALLY MY FAVORITE ROOM TAKES SHAPE!

Ok, so I blew it in the kitchen. I admit it. 

 I requested a wall to frame my fridge in. So, Josh obliged and did it my way, although he originally had other plans.... 

Then he built the beautiful ceiling around my requested wall.

THEN, I decided I didn't have enough cabinetry... SO my requested wall had to be torn out (That's the exposed wood you see), and along with it, the beautifully detailed coffereds that had been built around it. 

I felt so guilty. 

I cried that night. 

We went with drawers at the bottom. 

We stuck a pull out pantry drawer everywhere we could squeeze one in. 

My Microwave will be hidden in the upper corner and I have two spinny lazy susan thingies down in the bottom one. 

I showed Josh the pic to the left....Told him I wanted some sheet pan pull outs on the bottom as well...

Our L shaped island. 

To the left is our dishwasher. Then, three drawers. Then, straight ahead our sink, with cabinetry underneath. Then to the right 3 small drawers. 

OMG....

My Copper apron sink...

I'm gonna get some dishes washed up in that thang baby!

(Or atleast I will stack them in there ;)

Fireplace in the kitchen. Josh made it to mimic the design in the coffered ceiling.

It looks through to the fireplace in the living room.

 I LOVE IT. 

My kitchen! With PLENTY of cabinetry!

Shopping isnt fun for kids. One day, Nevie literally fell asleep under some carpet samples. 

I sometimes wonder if they will remember all this... Running out there everyday to see Mr. Josh and taking him and Adam and Mr. Mike Popsicles when it's hot. Playing in the dirt and setting "traps" with stuff they shouldn't be touching... Will they remember going once a week to some home improvement store for their mom and dad to look at stuff while they moaned with boredom? Will they remember sharing a room?  Sharing a single bathroom? Sharing a closet and a dresser? 

Will they even remember living in this sweet little trailer?

Ok, enough sappy..

  Jeffrey Stewart, the nicest man on the planet, is our electrician. He told us we needed to get to light shoppin...So we hit a local fixture shop here in Laurel...

We flipped a tag or two....Or Ten. At some point it just became fascinating to see how surprised we could be. 

Then, after we became immune to the astronomical numbers and it wasn't amusing anymore...

We sold out and went to Lowes. 

Now THAT'S more like it!

We still haven't purchased but we have a good idea of what we want. 

Barn wood in the entry...This has got a few ugly looks from family and friends already...And trust me, it is VERY rustic. But I am so absolutely obsessed with it. 

You're looking from the foyer into the formal dining room

You're looking from the front door, through the foyer, into the living room

Barnwood on the staircase ceiling

Ah the floors.... 

Initially, we wanted hardwood. But, when we realized how much we could shave off of our budget by going with stained concrete, that's the way we went. 

This was a lil sample we stained. Most go with a "cola" color. 

It was a lil red for us. We went with "Espresso". We did it ourselves at night when Michael got off work. The staining part was a piece of cake. But I thought poor Michael would go mad trying to prep that concrete and get it ready for the stain. Yikes. 

Here, Josh is building vanities for the girls' bathrooms

Does your contractor do this?

Each girl's closet looks a lil something like this. 

Master Bath.

 Josh and his guys built me a little tub room privacy wall thing...It's kind of closed off but not really.

It's not really arched, that's just one of those iphone pano-pics. 

My claw foot will be in this lil room. 

MY SPACE. 

MINE.

Michael showed Josh a pic of a vanity we liked. Once again, he built it better than the original. 

This was what we showed him ^^^

This is what he built!

We picked out this stone to go in our master bath....

We wanted something like this 

This is ours on bottom with a lil bit of barnwood.

. 

Picture doesn't do it justice! It's beautiful!

The shower was kind of Michael's baby. So while I definitely weighed in, I kept it masculine and had him in mind every time I pointed something out. 

We went to a couple places to look at tile styles and get prices...and we dealt with some super nice folks. We ended up getting the best deal from City Home Center in Laurel. We dealt with Ms. Deana. She has 3 daughters who are close in age like my girls. They are now grown but she had a blast from the past watching my girls fly around her store giggling. Michael, she and I really hit it off. She helped us, advised us and really took her time with us. Amazing experience with that sweet lady.  

Flat river rocks on the floor and on the bench..

The tile is dark....But oh my goodness it's gorgeous. 

Round river rocks to create a decorative stripe

Matt Foster or on the weekends "DJ KAOTIC". Super nice guy. Very talented!

He still has to do the floor and grout. But you can tell a lot about it already.

You're pretty much up to date!

I hope you like it! We are totally making it up as we go and hoping for the best. We've got some great people guiding us through this process and we are abundantly aware of how blessed we are to have them! 

Tomorrow I will take pictures of each room and let you see some of the small details I left out.....