The days leading up to today have been rough. The realization that it has been an entire year since I saw you and heard your voice is setting in, and quite frankly it has been tearing me up. I have been trying to stay gone from home all day everyday. Just kind of going from place to place, trying to keep busy and distracted. Distraction or not, my mind has been on you and only you. Though it is so tragic, I have been thinking a lot about last year at this time. Mom, you were so pitiful. And it happened so fast. You were sick for a while, true. But the downward spiral happened WAY too fast......You were tired and sleeping a lot, but you were helping me prepare for Mili. You kept the kids when I went for my last OB appointment. We were in Wal-mart stocking up on stuff and just excited for her arrival. Of course, you were with me when I had Mili. You weren't great but we laughed and joked in the delivery room, then you helped me keep calm and breathe as Mili made her first appearance here with us. You babysat the girls while I was in the hospital. I spent that first night out of the hospital with you. You wanted me to stay there with you.You were sick and a little weak, but you were ok. I remember you going to Davids to get snacks and drinks for us. I got mad at Ronnie and Michael because they had the tv so loud that it woke the baby up. I started crying from exhaustion and hormone overload and said I was going home....You wouldn't let me. You told me that I was staying right there with you. So I did. Then I spent a couple of nights at home, but traveled to your house during the day. And I talked to you on the phone and texted you at night. Then you began to sleep more and more. So I started just staying with you all the time. When you were awake, your words began to make less and less sense. But you were still you. I remember asking you through tears one day "mama you are very confused and I don't know what to do. You're hurting and you need your medicine, but your medicine is making you confused...Please tell me what to do." You replied sleepily "I don't know baby. I don't like feeling like this". We blamed the meds and tried to cut down on them....You stopped them completely for a day. You even told Br Robby one day in a drowsy voice "I'm trying to wean myself off of my medicine". Of course, stopping the medicine didn't work. You hurt horribly, but remained confused. I felt so bad for you. You worked so hard to clear your mind and say something that made sense. You were so strong and independent, and losing that was very hard for you. And it was hard for us to watch, too. But your body was just shutting down. The awake time became less and less and the coherent time became almost nonexistent. Then you were just gone. You were here, but not really. Your sleeping had become more of a coma like state. Seeing you like that, Mama, it haunts me to his day. Can I just be honest about something? I was relieved when you took that last breath. Not relieved for me. I was devastated for me. I was relieved for you. And, I hope you are not mad at me when I say, that a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders in that last breath. Caring for you was never a weight on me, EVER..... But seeing you that way was a torturous burden. I wanted you to feel better so desperately. And as scared as I was watching you breath your last breath---I was so relieved that you were free from your pain. The wake and the funeral were so surreal. I barely shed a tear. I was numb. I have learned since then, that I was in shock. That numbness was a survival mechanism that my body used to cope with the trauma of what just happened. When I think back to those days, my memories are in tunnel vision and people's faces are blurred and their voices do not speak real words. I was drugged by my own body. Yes we knew you were sick. We knew what was supposed to happen. But, things changed so drastically, so quickly that it was near about impossible to comprehend. I couldn't comprehend it then, and I still have trouble understanding it even now, a year later.
Do you have any idea how great you were, Mom? I often wonder if I told you enough. Mama, you were the best. I promise I am not exaggerating. The BEST. Look at all you did, Mom. Just look. I was 12 when you and Daddy divorced. You raised us single handedly after that point. You worked numerous jobs at a time. You sacrificed so much for us. When I sit and think of your life, I wonder how you were ever happy....Your life was never for you, it was always for us. Yet, you were so very happy. And you spoiled us in that sense. Because here we are, grown adults and just plain lost without you. Just as we were your everything, you were ours. You were literally the best Mom we could have ever asked for. And as a Grandma? You were even better. My kids adored you. And you adored them even more. You did all the awesome Grandma stuff. When it was just Neva, you picked her up from my old job, and y'all went to Taylorsville together. Then when Nori came along, you gave me days to spend one on one time with each of them. You kept your cabinets filled with their favorite snacks. You showed up at our house randomly with candy and yoo hoo's. You begged for them to stay with you and got way too excited about the sleepover nights. You played with them and looked for pretty rocks in the driveway. You never tired out with them. You thought they did no wrong, and found humor in their bad behavior. You got SO mad at me when I spanked, and even if I just put someone in timeout. When I try and picture life as it would have been without cancer, you are at every ball game. You are at every recital. Neva and Nori practically beg to stay with you EVERY weekend, and I have to drag them home mad sometimes. You go more and more broke every Christmas as the wants of the kids get more and more expensive. You are always around. Calling. Visiting. They have you. I have you. You talk me down when things are stressful. You laugh with me when things are crazy. You let me cry on your shoulder when I am stressed out, and then you tell me repeatedly that I am doing a good job, just to reassure me. I have my Mom and my best friend, and life is good. But, this is nothing more than a vision that plays out in my mind, and then leaves me sad and heart broken. Though we do not have you now, please never forget that you were the BEST while you were here. And you remain the best in our memories and in our hearts.
The last year has been a roller coaster ride, Mom. I mean, my life is pretty great. I have my brothers, and The Aunts and Uncle Ricky. I have my sister in laws and my mother in law and father in law. I have beautiful friends and a church family that is spectacular. I have a husband whose only flaw is he works WAY too much. I have the three prettiest, most precious, kind hearted, bad to the bone babies in the world. I have a relationship with Jesus now and my prayer life is getting stronger and stronger as I grow in my faith. I am happy beyond words. But then there's you. You're not here. And that's where the roller coaster comes in. When things are great and I'm distracted my ride is climbing to astronomical heights....Then, comes a waterfall of memories and a new first without you, and my roller coaster plummets to the ground. But, I am thankful for my life Mom. God gave me to you. And you raised me and you took care of me to the best of your ability, not so I could grieve my life away. You never wanted me to walk away from this crazy roller coaster ride called "life". And even though there are risks and I will be fearful without you, I will face each of the dips and turns and unexpected jerks and welcome them just as I do the smoothness of the ride when things are going great. Life may be an unpredictable roller coaster, but I am thankful for the ride.
I love you so much. Please know that. Please never forget it.
All my heart, Bushel and a Peck, Hug around the Neck......
Love,
Nikki
PS. Hope you like your gifts that we sent you tonight.. I am sad you left us a year ago, but I am glad that you are in Heaven, happy and healthy and perfect, watching over us and waiting patiently until the day we are together again. What a glorious day that will be...
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