Moment of Truth

There is a defining moment in every relationship, where the unintentionally hidden truth is revealed. Pent up anger is unleashed. Unspoken feelings are verbalized. Some bridges are crossed, and others are burned to the ground.  In that moment, that defining, relationship changing moment, you can choose to walk away from the pain and cut all ties. Or, you can state your case, hear the other case and move forward having grown even closer. Disagreeing over something that's pretty significant--that's a deal breaker, right? Or is it possible to agree to disagree? Which will it be? 

I'm going to be blunt. The last few days have been horrible. I am exhausted. I am sad. I am crying at the drop of a hat. I am a freaking mess. This is all new. Since December, I have been doing pretty darn good. See, Sunday is the 17th, and that will be exactly one year since mom died. If I made it through Thanksgiving, Christmas, and birthdays--you wouldn't think that something as simple as the 'official one year mark' would be so painful--but it's straight up killing me. I cannot describe to you how devastated I am. I am hoping that just like all the other firsts, I will bounce back when this passes.

Here I am looking at my brothers and thinking how great they appear to be doing, and wondering why I seem so much weaker. Am I feeling sorry for myself? Am I throwing myself a pity party? Why am I a mess, and they seem fine? Well today, I learned a valuable lesson. Something I THOUGHT I knew, but actually did not understand at all. I thought I knew that people heal in different ways, and at different rates. But today, as I was trying to push a big family gathering for the 17th on to my brothers--it was brought to my attention that I am not respecting the way that they are healing. I just assumed a big family gathering would be the fix all remedy for each of us. And I never once really consulted with them. Until today. Turns out, this has been a pretty bad week for Ronnie too. He is emotional and though he likes the idea, he fears just how badly a candle light vigil would hurt. And Josh would prefer to ignore what it is that Sunday signifies and spend time with his wife and kids. My brothers haven't miraculously healed from mom's loss. They are just as sad and upset as me. They are just handling their emotions differently.

See, this is MY blog....So y'all that stop by here and read MY words, get to hear MY side, MY actions when mom was sick and after she passed. MY feelings, MY fears, and MY ranting. And everything I say is from my heart--you can believe that. But, I would just like to take a minute to recognize my brothers and my take on their part in all this.

Ronnie is a big ole teddy bear. Sometimes I want to kick him right in the face, but that's a normal feeling to have toward a big brother, right?  He and mom had a relationship that was very different from mine and hers. Out of the three of us, I think she had the most fun with him. I think they were very alike. They were always going antiquing or just riding and looking at houses...You know that's when the best time is spent together....Just riding and talking. I loved to hear them going back and forth and throwing the most hilarious sarcastic comments at each other. Ronnie is quick...I can never keep up in the wisecrack department. She couldn't either, though she gave him a good run. She had this amazing ability to laugh at herself. He ALWAYS made her laugh at herself. I'd probably get mad or my feelings hurt, at stuff she would just be dying laughing at. They had a very fun bond....Every time I turned around, I was calling her and they would be on their way to Hattiesburg, or running to town to get some supper. He was a grown man, but her baby none the less. He would call her out when she mispronounced words, which was always. I could never call her out. I just let her call it "Mi CaNsitas"....She was quick to call him out on his attitude, too. When mom was in her last stages of cancer he changed. Used to he was the guy that walked in the room and said "Nik, when are y'all leaving?" just to get a rise out of me. But, in the end, he got softer. Instead, he would walk in the room and hug me. He got more responsible. He changed into a completely different person. He aged a couple decades, in just a couple months. I think we all kind of did. But his was quite the transformation. I was with her during the day, but there are things he listened to at night, that I will never be able to fathom. The coughing, the vomiting, the moaning in pain in her sleep. When she grew too confused to understand that she needed medicine, he took that responsibility on himself. As a son, he was a champion taking care of his mom. His efforts would rival that of the best nurse out there. After she passed, he felt like he had to take on the role of fireman.....Careful to put out any potential fires in our family--before they flamed too high. And, though I didn't realize it, he felt it was his responsibility to remain emotionless and keep everyone strong. Out of the two of my brothers, I always felt that he was most in touch with his feelings....But it is amazing what an older sibling will hide to protect his younger siblings. Today, we had a groundbreaking conversation, and a lot of things were brought to light. And I can say with all of my heart that my big brother is an amazing, amazing man.

Josh....Joshy, Josh, Josh. I never really want to kick Josh in the face. But I do get mad at him like 10 times a day. He, too, is quick witted and super sarcastic. He has the sickest, most hilarious sense of humor...The kind of stuff that you feel guilty laughing at, but you can't help it. I always thought Josh could lighten any mood and was just the absolute life of the party. He was mom's B-A-B-Y. That woman would have given anything to make him happy when he was growing up. And after he was grown. She thought everything he did was hilarious and was positive he hung the moon. She would GO OFF on me and Ronnie in a heart beat, if she thought we had hurt the feelings of her precious Josh, even as adults. Out of the three of us she was the most protective of him. This song always reminded me of them. She would say things like "Josh is sensitive", or "He doesn't like questions" to ward me and Ronnie off, and we would just laugh at his ability to wrap her right around his little finger. She bragged on how loving he was, and that he didn't mind saying "I love you" even in front of all his buddies. When Mom got sick, Josh became very introverted. It was obvious that he was handling this thing very different from me. I had strong opinions in the beginning, as did Ronnie. Josh? He was "keep the peace" neutral-guy. Where as Ronnie and I feared what was coming and verbalized it often, he NEVER spoke of what might come and shied away from the conversation every time. And while I feel Ronnie and I grew closer through this time, Josh's silence pulled him away from me. He was quiet, and a bit withdrawn. And with each bit of bad news, or each decline in health--you could see the pain on his sweet face.  Where as I did better when I wasn't alone, he seemed to prefer his privacy. He was at mom's house everyday. He talked to her every day. And from what I understand, he and mom shared some beautiful conversations. But, for the most part--Josh kept his feelings to himself. My mama was so proud of him when he landed a new job. But he was scared it would pull him away from her during such a critical time. Luckily, there were no big travel jobs before mom passed....Little jobs here and there took him away a couple days at a time, but in his absence, his beautiful wife Amber took his role as caregiver. And she, too, would put some of the greatest nurses to shame with the love and care she gave my mom. I wanted him to talk so badly through mom's fight, but that day didn't come until way later. One day, in the end, he finally broke down and cried on my shoulder. I wanted to take his pain, but I was glad he was finally expressing it--and expressing it to me. After her passing, I felt Josh handled it the best. But, secretly I wondered if he was handling it at all. I found out today that he is handling it....Once again, just very different from me. And that's ok. Not everyone can handle loss in a cookie cutter way. "Nikki's Way" isn't the universal way. I am so very proud of him and the great talk that we had today. I also was told by my little brother, that he loved me with every bit of his heart.

Mom is gone, and she can't play referee to us anymore. She can't explain Ronnie's side to me, and defend Josh's opinion and calm me down when I am overreacting. We are slowly learning to handle these things on our own. And after a year, we now know that keeping it in isn't the right way. We have to talk these things out. I have to tell you, losing a parent has the potential to tear siblings slam apart. It's really, really hard. But my mom raised us better than that. My brothers and I fell apart this week. And you know, I don't think that is a horrible thing. I cried the better part of today. Ive been in a yelling match today. I have been put in my place today. I stated my case and listened to others today. I apologized, and received apologies. There were a lot of bridges crossed and not a single one burned. We will move forward from this day closer than ever, and with a better understanding of each other's ways and feelings. We have got some rough days ahead, and Sunday is going to be tough....Really, really tough..... But, I know without a doubt that I have a family to lean on, and they know that they can always lean on me. We will face the 17th how each of us sees fit, and not how one of us declares is best. I will always accept them for being unique, and practically the opposite of me.....There has never been a moment of truth more signifcant, than the moment you realize how great it is to disagree. I know Mama is proud.