Mom always made our birthdays special. You got your favorite meal, a cake, everyone sang and you were going to blow out some type of candle....It didn't matter if we were 3, 13, or 30. It was something I looked forward to each year, no matter how old I was. Last year, I feared would be my last time experiencing that. By the time my birthday arrived last year, she wasn't doing good. I cried as the night drew to a close and confided in my big brother that it was sad to think how drastically things were about to change. He assured me that some things would never change.
Today we headed to Ronnie's because he had cooked lunch for everyone. I wasn't feeling the best, and all three girls are still sniffling and have little lingering coughs. I really never took the time to think about the date....But, when I walked in I was greeted with a poster board hanging up high that my nephews decorated for me. As I was reading the words I heard: "SURPRISE!" from everyone inside the dining room. I was TOTALLY surprised! I was smiling though my heart got that familiar twinge of sadness, this time for different reasons. I was holding it together pretty good, until I looked at the bar and spotted a delicious looking pan of lasagna that I could tell Ronnie had worked SO hard on. Then I started to cry on my big brother's shoulder. That is my absolute favorite meal (it was delicious just like mama's). . On the table was a cake that Amber picked up just for me. I was blown away that they worked so hard to keep things as they used to be....and my heart was bursting with love....Though I was so very happy, I missed her so much in that moment. I guess you never get to old to want your mama on your birthday. But I was so happy to be her daughter in that moment. She wasn't there, but I was so touched by her. When I looked at the beautiful things she passed down to each of us. Big things, little things.....Just the loving legacy she left with us, I was proud to call myself her daughter as I looked around the room at my beautiful family. What a woman. What a performance as a mother. I hope to be even half as wonderful as her.
A landmark birthday like "30" makes you kind of reflect on your accomplishments in life. I have SO many things that I am proud of, and very, very little that I regret. The stupid little things we do when we are young teach us, and guide us into making better choices as adults. If I could take away some of those things, I still probably wouldn't. Because I wouldn't be the Nikki I am today. The whole course of my life may have turned out different if I didn't have those mistakes to learn from. The positive things in my life are just countless. I have so much that I am thankful for...Here's just a few:
I am glad that my mama raised me and my brothers to be close.
I am glad I was her helper. Even though, in the moment, I sometimes resented the high expectations placed upon me--I look back and know I helped my mom as much as I could all through the years.
I am proud that I stayed close to my mom my entire life. As life's clock ticks, it is easy to pull away from those you love, to move on with your "own life". Well, I am glad she was a big part of my "own life".
I am glad I was a homebody. At the time, I kind of felt like a "loser". But, I was never really into the 'going out every night' scene. Looking back, those "hermit nights" lead to a lot of beautiful memories with just me and my mom renting chick flicks and eating junk food.
I am glad I took that first date with Michael. Actually, Mom made me answer the phone call that lead to our first date. You know what they say, "mama knows best".
I am glad I stuck it out in school, and got my little degree I am so proud of.
I am proud that I went to work at SCRMC as a preschool teacher and fell in love with everything about the profession.
I am proud that I was able to work my way up and get the title of "director", and I am proud of what I accomplished as Director.
I look fondly on the day we decided to start trying for my little Neva.
I'll never regret the decision to leave my job for my family.
I am thankful that we had Nori so close to Neva.
I am glad that I spent a lot of time hanging out with my Papaw, and that he built such a beautiful relationship with my children.
I am glad I was with mom the day she found out about the cancer.
I am proud that I started this blog to let the community that mama loved know she was doing, and for me to vent out my inner most thoughts and feelings. And maybe, hopefully, help someone out there make it through a tough time.
I am proud that I put forth a great effort to be with her every step of her fight.
I am thankful for the conversations, the tears shed, the hugs, and the memories made during that last ten months.
I am proud we went with our original family plan, though the circumstances were not great. That plan brought us my lil Mili.
I am so thankful Mama fought hard and was there to hold my hand during her birth.
I am proud that I held her hand as she breathed her last breath. It's not my favorite memory to reflect on, but it's one I will never regret making.
I am proud of how I've handled her loss. I could have had less melt downs, I guess. Actually, no I don't think I could have.
I am proud of the time I invest in my children's growth and development, even though sometimes that "time" has me pulling my GRAY hair out.
I am thankful for the ability to be home with my kids, and watch them meet their milestones. I know this time will soon be but a mere sweet memory, as the last thirty years have become.....So I try to soak up every moment.
I am glad that Michael and I, though we have "spats" like any other couple, put in the hard work to make this crazy thing called "marriage" work in our favor. Of course, the fact that I love him too much for words makes it a little bit easier.
More than anything....What I am most proud of in the last 30 years took place just under two years ago at age 28. It was the day I surrendered my life to God. It was truly the best day of my life, and I have been learning and building upon this relationship ever since.
As I type this on my very last night of being a 29 year old, I conclude that I am definitely not the person that hides from her age. I embrace it. The fear of change and the sadness of lost time still plagues me. But I remind myself that change is the one certainty in our lives here on earth. And "lost time"? Oh heavens no. There has been no "lost" time. The years that have brought me to this very moment are full of sweet, precious memories. Some good. Some sad. But all precious and irreplaceable. To wish away my age, is to wish away my life experiences. And I wouldn't trade those for anything in the world.
I am such a blessed person.....
Here's to the next 30......
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