"You CAN Handle The Truth"

Dear Mama,

Our trip to Gulf Shores was nice. I loved seeing Michael relax....

I loved seeing Mili in a bathing suit for the first time...

I loved seeing Neva run from the waves...

I loved watching my girls work together...

I loved seeing Michael doing his FAVORITE job (Being Daddy)

I loved seeing Nori's hair get bigger and bigger with every wind gust...

But, Mama I HATED how hard I had to fight off sadness during such a happy time. I fought it. I smiled. I laughed. I tickled the girls and played hard....But still I had to fight. I missed you more than ever on this trip.

We didn't overdo it with the touristy stuff. We took naps everyday... ALL of us..

We took time to really soak it all up.

We went to Lambert's. Here are the girls playing on the wooden train outside...

Mili seemed like she had a pretty good time...I let her try some mashed potatoes at Lambert's (she's a fan). Don't it look like she's giving the 'thumbs up' here?

The Track was fun again this year. Nori wasn't tall enough still, but luckily the attendants weren't very attentive. So she rode everything.

and she LOVED it....

We went to the Mobile Zoo. It was cute. It was literally half the size (or less) of the Hattiesburg Zoo.

Poor Mili. She has the "3rd child syndrome". Signs: Mom occasionally props bottle with blanket, Passy gets rinsed with spit, and baby gets placed in non-age appropriate stroller for convenience...

This trip, I am thankful for. Our lil family needed it. BUT I couldn't stop thinking about you. It was one short year ago that we were all there together. I kept seeing you. Seeing us. And it was breaking my heart...

I saw us on the beach... You were tired and the heat was a bit much...

I saw You at Lambert's on the lil wooden train WITH the kids.

I thought of you at The Track, disappointed because they wouldn't let Nori ride...

You were laughing and having a good time....Oblivious of anything sad.... And I was envious...

You were with me. I was with you...It was a feeling, that I am learning, will never be duplicated.

Michael noticed that on the trip I was talking about you more than ever. I can take ANY conversation and bring it back to you. I know it must irritate him. If so, he doesn't let on. He listens and usually reaches for my hand. Most of the conversations, if not interrupted, lead to tears. I teared up alot on our trip, but I wouldn't let the tears fall.

Our first night home, perhaps I was just tired, or maybe I had taken all I could take....Either way, after the girls were asleep, I had a bit of a breakdown. I cried hysterically. I even had a panic attack. Michael held me, like always. He didn't even call me "crazy", although, I'm sure I looked the part. When I calmed down I explained myself (somewhat). See, every trip I have ever been on without you, I spent more time on the phone with you than actually experiencing the trip. "Hey mom guess what we ate?" "mama You'll never guess what Michael did!" "I miss you mama". We spoke about everything while I was gone, and then AGAIN when I got home. It was OUR thing. Well, there was none of that. I spoke to no one while I was gone. No one wanted to know Neva and Nori's reaction to the waves. No one wanted to know what I ordered at The Oyster House. No one wanted to hear how self conscious I was in my bathing suit. No one. And it tore me up. Every night that my head hit the hotel pillow I felt like something was missing. Then when I made it home, I couldn't wait to unload the endless details of our trip onto someone...But not just anyone...YOU...And I couldn't. And I just couldn't bear it any longer. After my meltdown, I felt a little better. I am still putting a smile on and putting one foot in front of the other. I am trying mom...I really am. But this is harder than I thought it would be...and honestly, it seems to be getting harder.   

At Noah's ballgame, I was proud of him --but devastated to not see you in the stands. Because you would have been there front and center cheering and laughing.

He's a chip off of the old block. Destined to be a ball player. You would have LOVED it. I know you watched him....I just wish we could have seen you watching him.

In addition to wanting to spend more and more time with Michael's mom, I find Neva searching for that "Grandmotherly love" in alot of places. She leeched on to Amber's mom at Noah's game. Then she asked me "how come Noah has lots of Grandmas?"......I don't know exactly what she meant, but I know she feels that something is missing.

In an attempt to lose my extra weight, I joined the Wellness Center. Well, all three girls have taken up with Ms. Frieda in the lil day care. I think she, too, has that grandmother vibe that they are craving.

It kills me.

I have been kind of mad at myself lately. Why can't I be stronger? Why am I such a cry baby? A pure wimp, I am. I have just kept thinking, "God will never put more on me than I can handle". And I have been kicking myself because of how weak I am. I am hurting so bad. I wonder every sunrise if I will make it until nightfall. Or will the pain of your loss overcome me? Why oh why can't I just be stronger and handle this?

It's amazing....I have SO much to be thankful for....So much positivity in my life...But I dwell on the negative. I dwell on the loss of you. Everyone says "it'll get easier". I listen, because I know they mean well....But what I want to ask is "When? When exactly am I going to feel like getting up in the morning--instead of having to force myself? When will I feel like laughing again--instead of remembering my best friend's gone halfway through a chuckle and then feeling sick to my stomach? When will I feel like I can function as a normal human being again? WHEN WILL IT GET BETTER? WHEN?!?!?!"....But I know no one knows the answer to this...Especially not me. All I know is that in the last (almost) four months, it has done nothing but get more and more difficult to live a life without you. I feel like I may never heal from this.

I often wonder if perhaps I need some therapy or something. Michael says I am normal and he thinks I am handling things in a healthy manner.... But he doesn't hear my thoughts or see the images in my mind. He doesn't feel the constant sting of pain that dwells in my heart. I think of you constantly. CONSTANTLY. I don't know that it is healthy OR normal. I think of you when you were well. I think of you when you were sick...And when I HAVE to, I think of you as you were dying. Why did you have to go? I just don't understand. I see mothers and daughters everyday, and though I don't want to be--I am so envious Mama. I am green with jealousy. I feel these same feelings when I see a grandma eating lunch or walking through Wal Mart with her grandchild. When they giggle, when they hug and kiss, my heart swells with jealousy and anger. I just wish I could grasp WHY this had to happen. We need you. I need you.........and You WANTED to be here. You WANTED to be a part of our lives. SO WHY? WHY YOU?

You're missing so much. Easter, Mother's Day, Brady's birthday, Mili's milestones being met, Noah's T-ball games, our lil beach trip....There's SO much more. Time just keeps ticking. The kids are growing. Things are changing. I have so many things to tell you. And many more things to ask you about. Things that other people don't get. Discussions that were ours -mine and yours. Will I EVER fill this void?

Who knew Mama? Who knew when they told us you would die within a year, WHO KNEW they were right??? I didn't know. I might have thought it, but I didn't believe it whole heartedly until I watched you take that last breath. Even now, I struggle to grasp the concept of your death. The gravity of your NEVER returning here is too much to process for a simple mind and fragile heart like mine. So each day, when faced with your absence, I have to remind myself. Oh, how I hate remembering.

Don't worry about me, Mama. I am going to be ok. I pray for the day that the good days far out number the bad. But I am ok. I know that I am blessed in so many different ways. There is no number high enough to calculate my blessings. I am ever so thankful for each of them. But I miss you and I just wanted to talk to you candidly like we always did. The good, the bad, the ugly--you always listened and never judged. I am definitely down right now. But I WILL be ok...I have that much of you in me.

Brother Robby touched on the phrase "God will never put more on you than you can handle" the other day. New in my faith, I thought this was something that was written in the bible. After all, I have always heard it. It's not. It's not in the bible. And it's not true. Brother Robby spoke about just how hard life can be. It literally can break us. We ALL have our hardships. Failing marriages, infertility, financial issues, addiction problems, health concerns, and of course the pain of losing a loved one are a few....There ARE things too difficult for us to handle. Loads too heavy for us to carry. Things too complex for us to understand and pain too intense for us to bear....ALONE. We can't do it alone...I KNOW I cannot do this alone. This just really is too much for me. I pray each night for His help in handling this as I should. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be jealous. I don't want to be bitter. So, I ask for His forgiveness and I ask for His help. Though I struggle today, I know that tomorrow brings with it a new start. I find great comfort in His promise. You and I together again? For eternity? That thought, I can MORE THAN HANDLE.


I love you with all my heart lil lady....

Nikki