Dear Mama,
I miss the sound of your voice. I call your number all the time, and when the operator tells me it's disconnected, I still have trouble believing it. I read and reread our texts messages over and over and over. I usually do this at night, as I am trying to fall asleep. The bad days are still out numbering the good, BUT I am keeping busy and trying my absolute best to keep moving forward.
Here are a few things you missed...
Poor Ronnie had to have a wisdom tooth cut out. I offered to take him, (probably to his dismay, considering the kids had to come). This is him BEFORE....
Here are the girls DURING the surgery. There was no way I was letting them "remodel" the dentist's office. So, we played in the parking lot and sat in the car.
AFTER. He did really good. I made him a pot of potato soup before I left him. I know that was yours and his "thing". Ya'll were always making that at your house. I didn't know your recipe, but I did the best I could. He went to work the next day, and as far as I can tell he hasn't missed a beat.
While he was in a medication induced coma on the couch...I couldn't help but notice a few things....
The artwork that the kids made YOU, was still on the fridge.
YOUR coffee remained on the counter, though Ronnie doesn't drink it.
So I looked around some more.....
YOUR tooth brush is still in the bathroom...
YOUR jacket and bible are waiting on the bench by the front door, for our next church trip.
YOUR closet is still full of YOUR clothes.
The last Sprite YOU ever drank, or tried to drink, still rests on the table by your bed.
There is so much more....I could go on and on. When I really noticed all these things, I ached for him. I'm hurting, don't get me wrong. I know Josh is too. But, what he looks at every day in the house is just beyond my emotional comprehension. It's got to be devestating to come home every day to these reminders, IN ADDITION to the memories, thoughts and feelings we are all experiencing. I remember after Papaw died, you went to try and help your sisters clean out the closets. All of Mamaw's stuff was still there. Well over a decade later. You made me promise that I wouldn't do that. You made me promise that I would clean out your closet and try and make things as easy on Ronnie as they could possibly be, since he would be living in your old house. I promised you and quickly changed the subject, because the loss of you was never something I wanted to think of. Not until the day of Ronnie's surgery, when I noticed all of this, did I understand why you made me promise. Papaw was living with all of those reminders every day. It had to have been hard on him. The closure was not there. Well, as much as I hate it, a promise is a promise. I will be cleaning out your old house in the next couple of weeks to honor my word. I know these items are not you....They remind us of you. But we don't need them to remember you. You are in our minds and hearts constantly.
I took the kids to Diddy Bops the other day. Kristen met me with the boys and they had a blast....
Even Mili enjoyed herself.
Of course the day wouldn't be complete without your precious Nori throwing a tantrum. She drew alot of attention. I got a few negative looks for ignoring her and letting her go. I know a big dirty stare would have came from you. You would have showered her with attention for this little episode.
She would have stayed there alot longer, had it not been for her big sister. Neva thinks she has to take care of everyone.
I looked up, and all the kids were on the biggest slide there....I couldn't believe how much had changed since last year...The girls were afraid of it last year!
Last year I was the only one to get on the big slide...Well, me and one other person....
Remember that day? You had been down and not feeling well. The chemo had you exhausted. I really wanted the kids to have a good time in spite of all the running and dr.s appts and stuff. So, I planned a fun day. You decided to go with us, though I was SOOO worried about you. I was watching the kids, but I kept glancing over at you. Making sure you weren't overdoing it or too hot or too cold...Anyway, one of the glances, caught a half bald little lady climbing the big slide! I couldn't believe it! My heart rested in my stomach until you reached the top step, then excitement over came me. You giggled all the way down.
That blur is you!
I know you didn't feel like doing that. I'm so glad you did though....Ah man, I miss you so much.
After a good time at Diddy Bops and a waterfall of memories washing through my brain, we went to the Olive Garden ( mine and your fave)...You can just imagine how that went...
We lived through the day. A few extra gray hairs never hurt anybody, right? We agreed to do it more often.
We have been swimming over at the inlaws alot lately.
We also went to Cutter's pool party recently.
It was nice seeing everyone, and the girls had a GREAT time.
Noah and Brady were very brave in the pool. Well, until Noah fell in anyway. He went under, then popped right back up with his little floaties. But he was done after that.
I would be lying if I said being around The Taylorville family isn't a little awkward. We were never there without you, almost EVER. I found myself quieter than usual, though I didn't mean to be. When I am with them, it is then that your memory is the most vibrant and that feeling of loss is most prevalent. Just last year at Cutters party, I was checking and double checking on you to make sure you didn't over heat. I also remember vividly that you ate a slice of pizza while we were there...I was SO excited!
Your lil man turned 4 the other day! So I went to, yet another, party without you. I couldn't sit quietly and hide behind a crowd at this one, because it was just us. So I did my best to put a smile on. But, it's just not the same without you there. I kept thinking of you. How you lightened everything up. Things are much heavier without you. Birthdays were such a big deal to you.You would have been stressing for weeks about what gift to get him. Every little thing was a big deal to you. You tried to make everyone feel special, but it was YOU that was truly special.
They are growing, Mama. Time is just flying.
The kids had a great time. Chocolate ice cream from Bops with sour gummy worms and sprinkles, how could they NOT have a great time?
Of course all these Summer activities have me, once again dwelling in the past. I didn't know last Summer would be your last. But, it was always in the back of our minds, so we were doing all kinds of stuff just in case. We made alot of memories and had a good time together. I am so very, very thankful for that.
Here we are at the coast. I had no idea how sick you were...Because YOU HID IT FROM ME!
You played and laughed and acted like nothing was wrong. It wasn't until we got home that I found out you had a double ear infection, an upper respiratory infection, and needed 2 PINTS of blood!
I was mad at you for not telling me how bad you felt. Looking back, I think I understand why. You didn't want your illness to upset this beautiful trip and this incredible memory. You are truly the best person I ever knew.
Our Sunday dinners continue on. We take turns cooking, but always enjoy eating. It's very important to me that the kids are close. I know that was important to you too. If nothing else, this day serves as a binder to pull all of us together.
The hardest part of going to your house lately, is passing by this little place...
I love David's Grocery so much. I always have. I love it for what it stands for....I love it for the family that operates it. I love it most because it was your home away from home for a decade. But, I cannot, CANNOT go in. It was hard as you were sick to go in and out of there. But now that you are gone, I just can't. I was in that store EVERY day to see you. Especially after I became a stay at home mom. Remember? In an attempt to avoid cabin fever and get out of the house everyday, I came to David's to see you. You will forever dwell behind that register, and behind that warmer. It is perhaps the only place more painful to experience than going to Taylorsville. I'm going to work up the nerve one day.....
I will write again very soon....
I love you so much...
Love,
Nikki
No comments:
Post a Comment