Just to catch you up.....
Courtney's grandpa was diagnosed with some sort of leukemia. This cancer does not threaten his life, but the medications he requires are ridiculously expensive. Since Court played such a vital role in your fight, I tried to help her out as much as I could when they hosted a benefit for him (Mr. Crumpton).
The kids played while I helped in anyway I could. It was a beautiful day. The only thing more beautiful was the view.
As I looked around, I saw beautiful volunteers working their hearts out. People were going out of their way to help a friend in need.
It was truly a moving experience to be a part of. I think the benefit was a hit, and a few bucks were raised to help Mr. Crumpton with his meds. But more than that, I'm sure the benefit raised his awareness that he doesn't fight this horrible disease alone. He's got a lot of people rooting for him and his family.
Of course, all of these good natured folks made me start thinking back to almost a year ago...
The crew of David's Grocery worked diligently on a steak supper benefit in your honor. I can only reflect back on my memories, because for whatever reason, I don't have any pictures. You had your port put in that morning, so I worried that your attending the event was a bad idea. But YOU....You wouldn't have it any other way. I recall standing there in awe of the crowd that patiently awaited their turn to donate money. I remember some sweet souls sweating and slaving away (on their own time)in that kitchen for their fallen coworker. It was the FIRST moment since your diagnosis that I realized we were not alone. It was the first time that I had seen even a glimmer of light in those our darkest moments. I will never forget. Never.
Of course that thought, led to your other benefit. I DO have a few pictures of that one.
It was SO hot. But everyone seemed like they didn't mind.
There were volunteers scattered everywhere working hard for our family.
I bet Courtney never thought that on this day, she was inspiring souls like mine to "pay it forward" and to help others when the opportunity presented itself.
Brother Robby was there as he has been every time we needed him. He opened with a beautiful prayer.
Between your two benefits, you were able to pay for your initial health care and medicines (before medicaid kicked in). Because these special people worked so hard for our little family, you were able to pay your bills without worry, buy your meds that medicaid would not cover, put gas in your car, pay for your casket, funeral and your plot and just live comfortably until your passing. We only had to worry about YOU, not how we would survive this disease financially. We will forever be indebted to these wonderful folks.
I DO spend alot of time looking back. Reminiscing. It is the only place I can see you....In my mind or on paper--so I visit there often. I stay there too much.
Our Sunday gatherings have continued to bring us together each week.
It took some doing, and I still didn't get that "perfect" picture, but I got your favorite little babies to sit still for a picture. I figured you would like this.
Then, after the kids were done posing, we thought it would be funny to take a picture of your OTHER favorite "little" babies.....
What can I say? Michael fits right in with our crazy bunch...
I don't hang out on this side of the camera too much these days. As I struggle to lose the baby weight, I find my self esteem lower than usual.
Mili loves Aunt Amber just as much as Neva and Nori do...Amber got her to belt out her first big chuckle the other day...
I don't know why...But I took a picture of your car at your house, just before Michael drove it away so we could sell it. It was the last night that your car will ever spend at your house. I found this very sad.
I do enjoy our Sunday gatherings SO much. But they are so bittersweet without the sound of your laughter as Ronnie, Josh and Michael goof off and make inappropriate jokes (most of the time you were right in there with them!) and you getting mad at me and Amber as we scold the kids "for no reason". I miss your urging us to eat more and questioning "was it not any good?" when we didn't clean our plates. I just miss YOU. Saturday, I spoke to Amber on the phone. She was headed to her parents house because Josh was out of town at the time. I thought to myself "she ought to spend the night with them", but before I could verbalize it, an overwhelming sting shot through my chest and did not leave as quickly as it came. It lingered for a while. All of a sudden I realized, that when Michael goes out of town, I can no longer come and stay with you. This is something we have done since long before the girls were thought of. It is something I enjoyed so much and as I realized that I would never experience it again, I kicked myself for not doing it more often. Of course, I have been kicking myself alot lately for some reason. Even though I did ALL I could do when you were sick....I sometimes think back to when you were well. We were always hanging out and spending time together--BUT there are other things that bother me. Why didn't I let Neva and Nori spend the night with you more? Why didn't I believe you when you said "they're no trouble". I worried so much about burdening you, that I rarely took you up on all your offers. Now, they can't come stay with you. Why didn't I MAKE you go on vacation with me and Michael every year? You always refused to take off work and said you didn't have the money...I should have made you! Why didn't I help you clean your house more often than I did? You worked so hard and you were so tired that alot of times your sink would fill up with dishes, or your floors would go unvacuumed. Why didn't I help you out more? I should have taken you to your birthplace in Arkansas a LONG time ago. We didn't plan it until right before Papaw grew ill, and it never took place. What took me so long to plan it? You never got to go. WHY were you in your last months of life when you finally got your dream car? Why didn't me and the boys make it happen sooner? Why didn't we go to the mountains before your body was drained from chemo and radiation? I know what you are saying....You said it every time I doubted myself verbally to you....But without you here to SAY it and my ears to HEAR it, the thoughts keep running through my mind and terrorizing my heart...
I was surprised to find it, but not surprised by it's existence......About 10 or so years ago, I found this letter (while plundering, once again). I began to read it sitting on your bed....But for whatever reason, after a few short sentences, I folded it and put it back where I found it. I never really found out what it was concerning. I felt guilty for snooping. Over the years, it has popped in my mind here and there, but I never asked you about it. I figured it was so old, you decided to throw it away.
You didn't.
I found it Sunday and I cried as I read every word on the 10 1/2 pages. You wrote it as I was about to turn 16. It found it's way into my wedding box so I know it was kept for a reason. There were things written in this letter that you and I have never discussed aloud. There are FEW things that you and I have never discussed aloud. Thirteen years have passed since you put your pen on that paper. But, when I read it, it spoke to my heart in this very moment. After I read your words, I felt as though I had just spoken to you. I felt like you explained to me things (woman to woman, mother to mother) that perhaps I was not ready to read as a 15 year old child. I was saddened that it ended in the middle of a thought. There was no end. No closing words. But it was so thorough and heartfelt, that I know how it would have ended. Because I was there. I know all things that happened and were said after that letter was written. I was there for most every moment (good or bad) for the last 29 years--and it was a beautiful life.
I know that I could sit and dissect and find things to regret. There are things there. But I take pride in the fact that I have to search long and hard to find them. I devoted my life to you and the rest of my family, and there is NO regret in that.
Your letter was just what I needed. It was you reassuring me and nurturing me, once again....Just as you always have.
I know it is no coincidence that this letter found it's way into my hands yesterday.
Thank you for writing me back, Mama.
I love you so much.......
Love,
Nikki
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