Alot has happened in the days since my last post. For starters, the one year anniversary of your diagnosis day (April 22). That is the day we found out that the cancer was in both lungs, the liver and on your brain. Remember that day? It was the Friday before Easter. You had just been in for a biopsy and MRI. I understood the biopsy, but I couldn't figure out why in the world they did an MRI. I googled it between the test day and the results day. I was horrified. I hoped that it was precautionary. Almost our entire family showed up that day. Dr. Dobbs even gave us a bigger room. She, then broke the news to us that it was "small cell" and you needed chemo immediately. Remember what you said? You're so stubborn. You said "no. I will enjoy Easter with my family". Sunday came, and though you struggled to breathe, we had our last Easter gathering with you---ever. Then came Monday. Me, you, Punk and Ronnie at Jefferson Medical meeting your Oncologist for the first time.That is when we heard your time line....."One year WITH treatment, just a few months WITHOUT". My world turned a dark shade of gray on that day. That is the first day you ever took chemo. You were scared. We were scared. You had no insurance and no money, so we took you over to the hospital to receive your meds. I had been vomiting and sick to my stomach for days worried about what exactly was wrong with you, and how we could possibly afford it. After a couple days of meds, a low sodium level landed you in the hospital. I...WAS....TERRIFIED..."Is this how it's going to be?" I wondered. You were pitiful. "They said this type of cancer responds quickly to chemo", I thought to myself. But you were still sick after your entire first cycle. Ronnie, Josh and I took turns hanging out with you while you were in there. Punk came and sat for a while too. All my girls from The Children's Academy came over and checked on you as well. Remember watching the Royal Wedding? So boring. Not our cup of tea. I painted your toenails. I fixed your hair. I rubbed lotion on your legs. I brought you food, though you wouldn't eat it. I wanted you to feel better SO badly. Remember the day you got out? You DID feel better! ALOT better! I filmed you singing "I'm coming HOME!!" and dancing around the hospital room. I sent the video to my worried brothers. We had not seen you like that in several weeks. Then, we went home and had alot of good months. We shoved alot of experiences into those months, too. I can look back over the last year and give you intimate details as if it was yesterday. But the clock keeps ticking. Today became yesterday. Yesterday became last week. Last week became a couple months. A couple months became a year. I miss you with the force of a category 5 hurricane. Actually, that's kind of what it feels like. A hurricane ripped through our lives and changed everything in it's path.
Our last Easter together. You came to see what the Easter Bunny brought the girls.
Also, our last Easter at Papaws house. You were SOOO sick.
You tried so hard, but after a little while, you had Ronnie take you home.
Remember I told you about the Relay For Life? Well, it has come and gone. Mom, it was incredible. You would have LOVED it. Our little tent was busy cooking up a storm, but I was able to watch the Survivor lap. This is when Cancer survivors of all sorts walk around the track. Ronnie, Amber and I stood side to side and cheered aloud for these fighters. Some were energetic and smiling, others cried and worked their hardest to get around that track. I fantasized about you walking by us. Smiling ear to ear with that big ole smile you passed down to me. But you never came. Instead, an aray of other faces passed by. We greeted them with cheers and warm smiles. We clapped until our hands hurt. Next it was time for us to walk the caregiver lap. Unfortunately, Josh was working out of town. But, Ronnie, Amber and I walked hand in hand around the track. You weighed heavy on our hearts and in our minds. We wore special pins with your picture to represent our reason for being there. I flashed back to all of our trips to the clinic. Me, you and the girls in the car. All of our conversations. My begging you to eat and to stop smoking and to take your medicine the right way. I thought about Ronnie picking you up some watermelon just so you'd eat SOMETHING. I thought about your last days, when he adopted the medicine giving responsibility for his own. I thought of him begging you to take your last dose of medicine, as you gritted your teeth, because you didn't understand why you needed it. I thought of him scooping you up like an infant the morning you fell. I recalled Amber, phoning me in tears because she was concerned about you. I remembered her standing in front of your sink washing your dishes with you griping the whole time. I thought of all of these things, and I cried. I cried on and off the entire night. We made that lap with memories and pain and joy and pride swimming in our minds and hearts.
This poor guy got up at 3am, worked a full day, then worked all night at Relay. He left the fairgrounds at 3 to head back to work. You know how much he loves you.....
We all wore pins with your picture.
I didn't get alot of pictures, because we were SOOO busy...But you saw everyone....
Ronnie said "I wouldn't have missed it..." in regards to the Relay.
Notice that '62? Someone very special was born that year.
You can't tell it, but in addition to your birth year on our shirts, your picture is on our team banner.
They had a full night.....
I also decided to walk the laps in your shoes. You made many-a-lap around David's in these shoes. I wanted to honor you by wearing them.
Around 10pm, though the kids had been with me all night, I decided to take them to my mother in law. Your little girls were getting ill and sleepy. After I dropped them off, I was alone in my car headed back to the fairgrounds. It don't take much to make me cry. But the silence really got me. Then, a calm washed over me. My heart felt a little lighter. I looked over in the passenger seat. "Are you there?" I asked, with my voice still shaking. "Mama, I can feel you. Are you there?" I asked once again. There was no big sign. But I know you were. I rode the rest of the way with my hand open on the console. Numerous times I have held your hand as we drove to dr.'s appointments or for various outings. I didn't feel you holding my hand. But I felt you, all the same.
Close to midnight, they lit little luminaries and sent lanterns into the sky. I stood there watching the beautiful lights fill the night sky. I watched them float up to you. I cried as I pictured you receiving them like a gift from all of us. One by one the team members came over with their tear streaked faces and hugged me. ALL of my inlaws were there. I knew, that at midnight on a Friday, they would have rather been ANYwhere other than the fairgrounds staring up at the sky. But they were there. I realized more than ever in that moment, what you have been telling me for years....I am SO lucky. I cried and cried and cried. I looked around. The grounds were filled with people that have lost loved ones just as I have. They didn't ask for this. But, like me, they can't change it. We can only try and prevent someone else from experiencing loss because of this devastating disease. I feel alone 90% of the time. But in that moment....the night filled with beautiful flashes of hope and love....My family and friends gathered around me, sniffling and smiling....sweet strangers crying and hugging.....I felt far from it.
See the specks of light in the sky?
The luminary ceremony was beautiful...
Several of them were in memory of you...For me, this was ALL about you...
The Relay was an incredibly moving experience that I will continue to be a part of for years to come. We raised a good amount of money for patients like you and research for a cure. I think you would be very proud that all that hard work was done in your honor. Thank you for opening my eyes to this wonderful group of people, mama.
Another major event that happened since I last wrote is Brady's birthday. Birthdays were always a big deal to you. I wanted so badly to take over that responsibility. Unfortunately, with the hype of the relay, I forgot Brady's birthday. I mean, I remembered it, the day before. I thought to myself "Don't forget to call Brady....." The next time I thought about it was when Amber reminded me. I always had you to call me and remind me about birthdays. You even reminded me about my husband's birthday this year! I guess I have grown dependant on you for that. Once I was reminded, I called him and sang to him. I don't want to lose that special birthday celebration that you instilled in us. You went out of your way to make people feel special on their birthday. I will too. From here on out, I will do better, mama, I promise.
Amber did a great job planning his party. You would have loved it. But, it was our very first celebration without you. I missed you so badly. It was definitely bittersweet.
Remember his party from last year?
I have been dwelling in the past lately, mama. Most of the time, you will find me watching old home videos, or looking at pictures and crying. I still don't feel as though I am healing from the wound of losing you. I fear I never will. Though I hurt so horribly because you are gone...I KNOW that you are still here....I know it. I feel it with every beat of my heart.
I just want you to know that I love you. I am proud of you. I miss you.
Love,
Nikki
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