3 Months

Dear Mama,

Can you believe it's been THREE months? I've always heard that time flies when you're having fun. But, apparently it flies when you're heartbroken, as well.

I have been dying to dream about you. Like a real dream. Not a goofy one that doesn't make sense. Well, I finally had another one the other night. Its hard to remember vividly, but I know we hugged repeatedly. I couldn't stop squeezing you and kissing you. I just kept telling you I missed you and loved you. You looked unbelievably beautiful. You were healthy. Young. Full of energy. You had the biggest smile on your face. You were in a rush to get back somewhere. I like to think our visit was real and you were headed back to Heaven. I don't know. All I know is you looked happy. I've actually never seen you that happy. It was a great dream.

Since I last updated you, alot has happened. Neva finally had those tests done on her kidneys that they have been wanting to do. The ultrasound was bad enough, but bless her heart she was fully traumatized by the catheter test they did. Turns out, her kidneys are perfectly fine (THANK GOD!).

 Ronnie's spring game has come and gone. I kept thinking back to last year. You, me, Neva and Nori lugging chairs, and diaper bags and food. We had a picnic with Wendy's cheeseburgers and watched Ronnie coach.

Here we are last year.....Laurel vs. Wayne County.....

You would have been proud.....We were all there to support him. It sure was sad to not see you sitting there rooting on the Tornadoes as they get ready for their new season.

Same two teams....Same me. Same Neva. Same Nori. No you. It's crazy the changes a year can bring.

The kids distracted me and kept me from dwelling too much.....

Ronnie's boys did great and I can't wait for the games to start again...

Poor Rylee has had some issues with HORRIBLE migraines. After a couple ER visits, a couple doctor's appointments and tons of tests later, they have found the root of her illness and are giving her preventative medicine. She has certainly been put through the ringer, bless her little heart. In the process of looking at her migraine troubles, they rediscovered a heart murmur that they "plugged" before sending her home yesterday. Her poor mama and grandmas have been run ragged. Knowing that poor baby has been in a tremendous amount of pain and not understanding the tests that were being done on her, I have concluded that there just isn't anything worse than a sick child.

As Mother's Day approached, I was very emotional. It was all I could do to function properly. I confided in Br. Robby that I was dreading the day. He was as comforting as always. He invited me to attend church that day, but said he understood if I didn't. He also reminded me of how lucky I was to have had you, if only for a limited time. There are those with mom's still living, that will never share the bond that you and I shared. Though I know this to be true, and I AM thankful, I still dreaded the day itself. A couple days before the holiday Me, Ronnie and Josh received a beautiful bouquet of flowers. There was a heartfelt note from Amber Brooks reminding us that you would be having your BEST Mother's Day yet. I cried upon reading her words, and felt a little guilty for the pity parties that I throw myself sometimes. We have wonderful people that care about us and support us. This is something incredibly positive that gets lost in the negative sometimes. I was so grateful to her for thinking of us and shining a beautiful light into our dark moment.

Mother's Day came and brought with it a bucket of tears. I tried to hold it together, I really did. But I missed you so. This was a day we always went all out for you to make you feel special. Instead, I found myself wondering if the bouquet I got you was "good enough" to grace your grave. It just seemed not enough. That morning, I received lots of sweet texts. And I was excited when your brother called to check on me. The kids and I went to church. I was able to convince my inlaws to go with us. Now I am glad they did, because Michael worked late and couldn't make it. Though I rarely admit it...I needed help that morning. The two of them sitting next to me kept my emotions in check until the end of the sermon. This is when they aired a special video in honor of moms. On the screen I saw me and you. Not really me and you, but scenarios that I kept relating back to me and you. A mom kissing her baby, another waving to her child from the car window, another smiling and holding her daughter with love. The tears not only came without my permission, but I began to cry aloud. I tried not to. It was completely beyond my control. It was all I could do to avoid full out sobbing. I dropped my head, and respectfully refused to watch the rest of the video. Though I tried to hide it, my tear stained face gave away my secret, and opened a floodgate of hugs, love and support from fellow church goers. You know that they are all such wonderful, compassionate folks. I tried so hard to be strong, but with every squeeze and sympathetic smile, I felt you....and I cried more and I cried harder. I didnt' stop until.....well, I guess I still haven't stopped.
We all got together for supper that night and ate at Ronnie's house. I snuck away for a bit and went to the cemetery. I put your flowers out, and noticed that you had already received some Mother's Day gifts.

 I sat there alone and cried. I didn't talk to you except to say "I don't know what to say", repeatedly through my tears. I laid down and gazed up through the pine tree branches into the sky. My tears were plentiful and ran from my eyes down into the grass. My heart ached, more excruciatingly than it has since you've been gone, as I lay there wishing I could hug you one last time.  Something about gazing up at you, brought me some comfort and gave me the strength to make it through the rest of that oh so dreaded day. Knowing I needed to return to my children, I stood up and told you how much I love and miss you, and I left.

 I speak of my heart ache, because it does exist and it is very prevalent. But don't worry mama, I am very aware of all the great things in my life too. I have three healthy, happy and beautiful daughters. They are a gift from God, and I will never be able to express enough gratitude to God for giving Michael and them to me. I have a beautiful family of inlaws that are always there for me. I have two brothers, a sister inlaw and 2 beautiful nephews that have stood alongside of me through this very traumatic experience, and stand along side me still today. I have friends that know that even if I don't say it, I really did need that impromptu phone call, or that "thinking of you" text, and that tight squeeze of a hug. Lastly, I have 29 years worth of beautiful memories to reflect on. Memories with a woman that loved me with every ounce of her being. Memories with a woman that I was lucky enough to call "mama".

I lost you. This I'm still trying to cope with. I use this blog to communicate with you, and I talk to you often, in my head, in my heart and sometimes even aloud. Yesterday, Neva told me that if I holler up to the sky, you will hear me. While I DO believe this, and I know you always hear me and see me-- you're not here. I wish you were here every second of the day, but you're in Heaven now.  But I still have them. My family, my friends and my memories. They are my blessings and I count them every night,  when my head hits the pillow.....Then I pray that your beautiful face graces my dreams.

I love you.

I miss "us".

Love,

Nikki