Four Years

Dear Mama,

           I have walked around with the biggest lump in my throat for days now, thinking of you and missing you. Each day seemed to be a little worst than the last, leading up until today.

Saturday, I accidentally caught the last bit of one of your favorite movies, "Terms of Endearment", and it took me three straight hours to recover.

Sunday, the opening music cued up in church and the tears didn't stop rolling until the closing music ended.

While working at the donut shop this week, (where I typically dive into conversations with the customers),  I've had to make myself talk and I've had to stop myself repeatedly from getting lost in my head..

But Mama, God has put the most amazing people in my path lately...

Yesterday I met the most wonderful little lady while working the drive thru window.  And while her sweet tired eyes and her extra short hair gave it away, her warm smile and the strength she exuded refused to let her be labeled as a "victim" of the horrible disease you battled. I learned that she is on her fourth round of chemo battling ovarian cancer.

I told her how beautiful she was.

And she really was.

I told her I'd pray for her.

And I really did.

But what I didn't tell her is that after I handed her donuts, which is one of the few things she can still eat, I had to run to the back to keep from crying in front of the customers and staff. I saw YOU in her. I remember those days so vividly I can reach out and touch them. And as scary as they were-- I'd still take them in my arms and wrap them up so tight, if it meant I could just feel you one more time.

Today, I met Mandy, who is rapidly approaching the one year mark since her mom left and went to heaven. I could see the pain behind her teary eyes. I could feel it. My heart ached for her as she told me her story. I've never wished so badly that I was articulate and could say the right thing to take her pain away and make her smile. But I couldn't. All I could do was hug her and cry with her. I think it was a hug we both needed.

Then this morning, I got several texts from friends and family simply saying "I love you" or "thinking of you".

Last, I have to tell you about tonight. Tonight at church, my friend Christina handed me a journal to record all of my thoughts and prayers and feelings. The gift was something else... So thoughtful. It was something just so incredibly sweet... and it made me so happy... And so sad... And all the feelings from the last week conflicted with each other in that moment and just completely overwhelmed me.

I took the gift.

 I hugged her.

Then I walked into my bible study class.

I knew it was coming, though I had been fighting it off ( fairly successfully) for days. I felt it building and building.

I had barely sat down before I started crying inconsolably. I was sobbing.

The girls in class didn't say a word.

They knew.

They just let me go.

After class I got plenty of tight hugs.

It's hard to remember what life was like with you here with me. Four years in your absence has almost stripped me of the memory of who I used to be. But God reminds me constantly that I'm not alone. He sends people to hug me, to talk to me, to laugh with me, to cry with me and to pray for me. And when they come, all I see is you... And Him... And I'm reminded that soon you and I will reunite and the pain that exists now will be no more.

Until that day,

I'll keep writing.

I love you mama.

Bushel and a peck,

Hug around the neck,

And all my broken heart.,

Love,

Nik