I watched with my gut in knots as a decision was made regarding a particular incident that happened back in August, when I was obliviously school clothes shopping, planning Neva's little birthday party and having a boost/ensure drive for the local radiation clinic. After the announcement was made, I watched the split screen in horror as people ignored the continued and thorough speech that included the explanation and reasons why the decision was reached, and instead the "peaceful protesters" threw bricks and bottles, cursed, chanted and started fires, yelled and fired their guns. Forensic, scientific evidence was irrelevant. The blatant and documented disrespect and assault of an officer paid to enforce laws and protect us was irrelevant. The sad loss of a young, precious life--full of potential was irrelevant. All that seemed to matter, was some ill intentioned folks did not get the desired response, and just like I've seen my two year old do repeatedly upon not getting her way, tantrums were thrown. These fits, however, were seemingly unrelated to the tragic issue at hand. Instead, they were more so wrapped around a need for an excuse to behave criminally with the robbing and arson and vandalism of several local businesses. My babies, unsure of what they were watching, asked "Mommy, why are they breaking that police car?" My heart ached, partly due to the innocence of the question, partly because I was appalled and scared by how my fellow humans were behaving, but mainly because I know that very same world playing out with all it's evil right in front of our eyes, is the world I send my babies into everyday....
Though I have voiced my unfiltered opinion on this hot topic, knowingly opening myself up for criticism, I am writing today not to pretend to be abundantly knowledgeable or political or an activist of some sort. I am writing to talk about what is going on right outside our door. I'm not going to stomp the sidewalks of Laurel with a piece of cardboard reading "THE END IS NEAR", but when glancing around us, perhaps we should all be living that way....
It's no secret that I have attachment and abandonment issues. I have spoke of this before and cant stress to you the impact this anxiety has had on my day to day life through the years. I am not sure if it's something innate, as I've been this way as far back as I can remember, or if it's a result of something that happened in my childhood. Either way, long before cancer touched my life and long before my young brain should have been thinking of car wrecks and natural disasters and terminal illnesses, I have constantly feared, on a deep level, the loss of loved ones. While this overwhelming fear subsided greatly upon getting saved-- it does still linger in the dark corners of my mind and heart and presents itself fairly often when making decisions about my four young daughters. And when you look at the world falling apart around us with gangs, disrespect for laws or authority figures, incurable diseases, the praise and encouragement of immoral behavior, the intolerance and insult for those with Christian beliefs, the distrust and conspiracy theories left and right against our government and leading officials and almost a complete segregation of folks based solely on the particular pigment of shell they are wearing--can you blame me? Am I really that crazy for wanting to close my front door, lock it, and never let my girls see the light of day?
What gets me from one moment to the next, from one tragedy in the news to another, and what allows me to let my kids have even a moment of freedom out from under my wing --is my faith. From the moment my eyes open in the morning to the moment I drift into slumber at night, I find comfort in only one fact--my heart belongs to Jesus. The events that lead to my being saved were tragically beautiful. The lowest, saddest point of my existence here on earth--faced with the decline and potential loss of my sweet mama-- proved to me that I am completely incapable of facing this world alone. I cried hysterically that night and apologized just for being me....and begged God to help me..... to save me. That night, He picked me up off the floor and carried me through every chemo treatment....every heartache... every bit of bad news.... He held me as I held her and watched her take her last breath....... I could not have handled the loss of her, without God. Literally could not have handled it. The process of getting saved is not complicated, considering the beautifully eternal benefits following it. Listen to what God's saying as He tugs at your heart. Feel Him pull you. Revel in the fact that He knows you and despite your flaws, He loves you like no other can. Ask for His forgiveness. Ask for His mercy. Allow your heart to break and welcome Him to mend it together piece by piece until you are anew. It is an indescribable feeling of love and a depth of bond previously unfathomable. The old me is gone forever and life changed the night I got saved. Giving my heart to Jesus was the single most significant and amazingly beautiful decision in my life. My heart is transformed.
Hard things still happen. Life didn't miraculously get easy because I am now a Christian. But, I am better equipped to handle the tough stuff when it comes at me. Last night I let fear overcome me. As a sweet friend and I watched the story unfold simultaneously, I asked tearfully "How do we send our kids out into this world?".....
Her response was straight from God's mouth, to me:
"Because we know Who is still in charge".
God knew with my earthly anxieties and fears that I needed to be reminded that He's in charge. That even in the darkest moment he still has me and my girls wrapped in His arms. And when all else does, He will never falter.
Leaning on Christ is the only way any of our children have a fighting chance in this dwindling world we are temporarily calling "home". THE ONLY CHANCE.
Which brings me to my initial question:
How is your heart today?
Romans 10:9-10
That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.
Romans 8:38-39
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
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