I'm not sure if I'm crazy, controlling, paranoid, or just hormonal in some way.... Or all of the above.
My every moment is consumed with dishes and laundry piles that never shrink and stinky diapers and runny noses and arguments and begging and whining and crying and Dora and Bubble Guppies and constant insanity....Because of this, I find myself fantasizing about a day off. Or an hour off. I like to think of how incredibly clean the house would be if I didn't have to stop cleaning every 5 minutes then ultimately give up. I think how the clothes wouldn't be wadded up in a basket, but would be neatly folded and put away if Maxx didn't bulldoze them as I try to fold. I think about the refreshing nap I would take, if there was no one to supervise for a bit. I think of the blog reading I could do (mainly my fave, Erin's), I think of the delicious meal I would prepare, if there was no one yelling "I'M STARVING!" as I'm cooking. I think of how amazing it would be to use the bathroom without little people watching...and laughing. I think of how incredibly romantic a night alone with my husband could be...I think of how amazingly comfortable our bed would be when there's just two people sleeping in it. Yes, "just a little time off", I think, "that'll just set everything straight". Then, I get it... AND I FREAKING CRY THE WHOLE TIME.
Today was a typically crazy Saturday. We had FIVE birthday parties to attend. We actually made it to 4. The last one was a sleepover for the two bigs, and even though I know they are staying with good folks, I felt so uneasy leaving I was pure sick. Neva is 6 years old, and I can still count her over-nights on two hands. My baby Nori is 4 and a total Mama's baby....or Maybe I'm a Nori's baby...Not sure. Either way, I missed them immediately and cried the whole way home thinking of all the horrors that could occur without me there to watch them and protect them. The sane part of me (very small) realizes this thought process is med worthy. But still I battled the thoughts and sniffled away all the way home. It's funny how when they're away, you don't think about the bickering, and sassy mouth and messiness and the attitudes and loudness and all the crazy. Nope, when they are away, a montage of beautiful memories plays in your mind to the tune of butterfly kisses .... You see them smiling sweetly and running in slow motion through a field of flowers. You wonder why you would ever need a break from such angels. Or at least, that's what goes through my mind. The mental slideshow ended when I arrived home, with my tear soaked cheeks. Michael had cooked us a little supper, which I found to be incredibly sweet. The tears were gone, but the anxiety remained. I put a sleepy Maxx to bed and Mili was glued to a Barney video in the backroom. With the littles squared away, he and I took advantage of the rare opportunity to eat supper and watch an actual adult movie together....Well, not like an "adult movie", but a movie that isn't animated and stars actual adults. Just what I have been wanting: Plenty of freedom to spend time with my Michael, catch up on cleaning and get in the bed early. Sounds great, right? Wrong. I stared anxiously at my phone waiting for texts from the hostess of the party... I was pure annoying the mess out of her asking how things were going....and if everyone was alright...and to call me if she needed me...and to make them behave, etc...
She sent me these to ease my mind:
I could plainly see that my babies were having a blast. No horror that needs my protection. I felt so much better. So, I decided to enjoy the night with my husband... Guess what...
I waited too long to relax.
So, naturally I went to work on those piles of unfolded laundry, right? Negative.
Instead, I finished watching a comedy and got me a couple really good belly laughs.
Then I got in the bed, without kids, early, right? Not exactly.
I came back here to talk to you guys.
(I did catch up on my blog reading, though).
And you know what? It was kind of nice.
I won't deny that my need to hover over my kids is a wee bit...smothering. And I am not sure if I'll ever be able to successfully let go of my girls. They are my life. But I think it's not exactly abnormal for me to crave a lil alone time, then to not know what to do with it once I get it. Perhaps this will be an ongoing task for me. A work in progress, we'll call it. But I reserve the right to complain about all the chaos that consumes my day, and to occasionally dream about a break that I can't totally enjoy just yet.
I have realized, perhaps absence does make the heart grow fonder.... but beautiful presence makes that fondness stronger.
And now, to sleep without a foot in my face.
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