Time to CROSS Over

How's Your Heart Today?



I watched with my gut in knots as a decision was made regarding a particular incident that happened back in August, when I was obliviously school clothes shopping, planning Neva's little birthday party and having a boost/ensure drive for the local radiation clinic. After the announcement was made, I watched the split screen in horror as  people ignored the continued and thorough speech that included the explanation and reasons why the decision was reached, and instead the "peaceful protesters" threw bricks and bottles, cursed, chanted and started fires, yelled and fired their guns. Forensic, scientific evidence was irrelevant. The blatant and documented disrespect and assault of an officer paid to enforce laws and protect us was irrelevant. The sad loss of a young, precious life--full of potential was irrelevant. All that seemed to matter, was some ill intentioned folks did not get the desired response, and just like I've seen my two year old do repeatedly upon not getting her way, tantrums were thrown. These fits, however, were seemingly unrelated to the tragic issue at hand. Instead, they were more so wrapped around a need for an excuse to behave criminally with the robbing and arson and vandalism of several local businesses. My babies, unsure of what they were watching, asked "Mommy, why are they breaking that police car?" My heart ached, partly due to the innocence of the question, partly because I was appalled and scared by how my fellow humans were behaving, but mainly because I know that very same world playing out with all it's evil right in front of our eyes, is the world I send my babies into everyday....

Though I have voiced my unfiltered opinion on this hot topic, knowingly opening myself up for criticism, I am writing today not to pretend to be abundantly knowledgeable or political or an activist of some sort. I am writing to talk about what is going on right outside our door. I'm not going to stomp the sidewalks of Laurel  with a piece of cardboard reading "THE END IS NEAR", but when glancing around us, perhaps we should all be living that way....


It's no secret that I have attachment and abandonment issues. I have spoke of this before and cant stress to you the impact this anxiety has had on my day to day life through the years. I am not sure if it's something innate, as I've been this way as far back as I can remember, or if it's a result of something that happened in my childhood. Either way, long before cancer touched my life and long before my young brain should have been thinking of car wrecks and natural disasters and terminal illnesses, I have constantly feared, on a deep level, the loss of loved ones. While this overwhelming fear subsided greatly upon getting saved-- it does still linger in the dark corners of my mind and heart and presents itself fairly often when making decisions about my four young daughters. And when you look at the world falling apart around us with gangs, disrespect for laws or authority figures, incurable diseases, the praise and encouragement of immoral behavior, the intolerance and insult for those with Christian beliefs, the distrust and conspiracy theories left and right against our government and leading officials and almost a complete segregation of folks based solely on the particular pigment of shell they are wearing--can you blame me? Am I really that crazy for wanting to close my front door, lock it, and never let my girls see the light of day?


What gets me from one moment to the next, from one tragedy in the news to another, and what allows me to let my kids have even a moment of freedom out from under my wing --is my faith. From the moment my eyes open in the morning to the moment I drift into slumber at night, I find comfort in only one fact--my heart belongs to Jesus. The events that lead to my being saved were tragically beautiful. The lowest, saddest point of my existence here on earth--faced with the decline and potential loss of my sweet mama-- proved to me that I am completely incapable of facing this world alone. I cried hysterically that night and apologized just for being me....and begged God to help me..... to save me. That night, He picked me up off the floor and carried me through every chemo treatment....every heartache... every bit of bad news....  He held me as I held her and watched her take her last breath....... I could not have handled the loss of her, without God. Literally could not have handled it. The process of getting saved is not complicated, considering the beautifully eternal benefits following it. Listen to what God's saying as He tugs at your heart. Feel Him pull you. Revel in the fact that He knows you and despite your flaws, He loves you like no other can. Ask for His forgiveness. Ask for His mercy. Allow your heart to break and welcome Him to mend it together piece by piece until you are anew. It is an indescribable feeling of love and a depth of bond previously unfathomable. The old me is gone forever and life changed the night I got saved. Giving my heart to Jesus was the single most significant and amazingly beautiful decision in my life. My heart is transformed.

 Hard things still happen. Life didn't miraculously get easy because I am now a Christian. But, I am better equipped to handle the tough stuff when it comes at me. Last night I let fear overcome me.  As a sweet friend and I watched the story unfold simultaneously, I asked tearfully "How do we send our kids out into this world?".....

Her response was straight from God's mouth, to me:

 "Because we know Who is still in charge".

God knew with my earthly anxieties and fears  that I needed to be reminded that He's in charge. That even in the darkest moment he still has me and my girls wrapped in His arms. And when all else does, He will never falter.

Leaning on Christ is the only way any of our children have a fighting chance in this dwindling world we are temporarily calling "home". THE ONLY CHANCE.

Which brings me to my initial question:


How is your heart today?

Romans 10:9-10

That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.  For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.

Romans 8:38-39

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I Got Prollemz

They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder.....Right?

I'm not sure if I'm crazy, controlling, paranoid, or just hormonal in some way.... Or all of the above.

My every moment is consumed with dishes and laundry piles that never shrink and stinky diapers and runny noses and arguments and begging and whining and crying and Dora and Bubble Guppies and constant insanity....Because of this, I find myself fantasizing about a day off. Or an hour off. I like to think of how incredibly clean the house would be if I didn't have to stop cleaning every  5  minutes then ultimately give up. I think how the clothes wouldn't be wadded up in a basket, but would be neatly folded and put away if Maxx didn't bulldoze them as I try to fold. I think about the refreshing nap I would take, if there was no one to supervise for a bit. I think of the blog reading I could do (mainly my fave, Erin's), I think of the delicious meal I would prepare, if there was no one yelling "I'M STARVING!" as I'm cooking. I think of how amazing it would be to use the bathroom without little people watching...and laughing. I think of how incredibly romantic a night alone with my husband could be...I think of how amazingly comfortable our bed would be when there's just two people sleeping in it. Yes, "just a little time off", I think, "that'll just set everything straight". Then, I get it... AND I FREAKING CRY THE WHOLE TIME.

Today was a typically crazy Saturday. We had FIVE birthday parties to attend. We actually made it to 4. The last one was a sleepover for the two bigs, and even though I know they are staying with good folks, I felt so uneasy leaving I was pure sick. Neva is 6 years old, and I can still count her over-nights on two hands. My baby Nori is 4 and a total Mama's baby....or Maybe I'm a Nori's baby...Not sure. Either way, I missed them immediately and cried the whole way home thinking of all the horrors that could occur without me there to watch them and protect them. The sane part of me (very small) realizes this thought process is med worthy. But still I battled the thoughts and sniffled away all the way home. It's funny how when they're away, you don't think about the bickering, and sassy mouth and messiness and the attitudes and loudness and all the crazy. Nope, when they are away, a montage of beautiful memories plays in your mind to the tune of butterfly kisses .... You see them smiling sweetly and running in slow motion through a field of flowers. You wonder why you would ever need a break from such angels. Or at least, that's what goes through my mind. The mental slideshow ended when I arrived home, with my tear soaked cheeks. Michael had cooked us a little supper, which I found to be incredibly sweet. The tears were gone, but the anxiety remained. I put a sleepy Maxx to bed and Mili was glued to a Barney video in the backroom. With the littles squared away, he and I took advantage of the rare opportunity to eat supper and watch an actual adult movie together....Well, not like an "adult movie", but a movie that isn't animated and stars actual adults. Just what I have been wanting: Plenty of freedom to spend time with my Michael, catch up on cleaning and get in the bed early. Sounds great, right? Wrong. I stared anxiously at my phone waiting for texts from the hostess of the party... I was pure annoying the mess out of her asking how things were going....and if everyone was alright...and to call me if she needed me...and to make them behave, etc...

She sent me these to ease my mind:

I could plainly see that my babies were having a blast. No horror that needs my protection.  I felt so much better. So, I decided to enjoy the night with my husband... Guess what...

I waited too long to relax. 

So, naturally I went to work on those piles of unfolded laundry, right? Negative. 

Instead, I finished watching a comedy and got me a couple really good belly laughs. 

Then I got in the bed, without kids, early, right? Not exactly. 

I came back here to talk to you guys.

 (I did catch up on my blog reading, though). 

And you know what? It was kind of nice. 

I won't deny that my need to hover over my kids is a wee bit...smothering. And I am not sure if I'll ever be able to successfully let go of my girls. They are my life. But I think it's not exactly abnormal for me to crave a lil alone time, then to not know what to do with it once I get it. Perhaps this will be an ongoing task for me. A work in progress, we'll call it. But I reserve the right to complain about all the chaos that consumes my day, and to occasionally dream about a break that I can't totally enjoy just yet.

 I have realized, perhaps absence does make the heart grow fonder.... but beautiful presence makes that fondness stronger.   

And now, to sleep without a foot in my face. 

When We're Ready

My little Mili will be 3 years old in February and is no closer to pooping in the potty than she was the day she was born. (nice opening line, right?) During my years working in the field of childcare I learned and passed along to many anxious parents "they do it when they're ready" and "each child is different". I am constantly proving to myself how little I "practice what I preach", because it is KILLING me that she wont just get trained already! Neva was 24 months and Nori was 22 months when they kicked the diapers. I try, I really do, to keep that out of my mind. But it's hard not to compare them just a little, and wonder what she and I are doing wrong. I introduced it to her over a year ago. No pressure. Just "Hey, this is the potty. We poop and pee in here". I sat her up there that day and have done it countless times since then. Nothing. Well, there was this one time that she peed in there on accident. But other than that, nothing. I keep reminding myself, that she just truly isn't ready. But, I also keep beating myself up that I am not approaching this from every possible angle or taking advantage of every single teachable moment.

Those of you that stop by here from time to time may have noticed I changed up my look a bit. On a simple note, green is my absolute favorite color in the world and I thought I would incorporate it here... On a much more complicated note, I thought it was time for a change. I find myself avoiding this blog, though I love it so much, simply because it is just completely intertwined with mom. It's totally bittersweet coming here. This blog was started because of her fight. It helped me deal with everything that was happening each day. The hard things, the happy things, I reported most all things and it felt so good. So relieving. Mom supported my writing and was an avid reader, and didn't mind me sharing even the most intimate details of our lives, because she knew it was therapeutic for me. I promise myself almost daily that I will begin writing again, regularly, even if it's about nothing, because that is when I am happiest.... But just coming here, it takes me back and it saddens me quite a bit. Almost unbearably. This blog isn't the only aspect of my life that I have found myself stuck in the past. I caught myself hiding my dingy cloth bible cover in our small group class the other night. See, I use her old cover..... and I've never been able to bring myself to wash it. If you're doing the math, I know, it's gross. Far too long for a bible to be in my floorboard getting stepped on, on my bar getting ketchup splatters, and drawn on by little artists... It's hard to explain. She and I started going to church together. It was always us together. And in a way, using that ole' unwashed cover feels kind of like she's with me still. Crazy, right? I spend a lot of time thinking that I should be fully healed by now.... That I am too old to be wallowing and needing my mama and I'm too loved to feel lonely without her...I think about people I know with loved ones lost that seemingly healed much faster than me.... And I often worry if I annoy those around me because I am constantly talking about her.

Well, I can't completely change in a blink, but I did take a small step and I updated my blog.

You know, I think it's ok not to be quite ready to totally let go of something, and grab a hold of something new. I also think it's ok to not be on the same timeline as everyone around you.

And then, suddenly tonight, it sinks in.

 Mili and I are in a very similar predicament.......

So, I decided to give both of us a break...

A dirty diaper, nor a dirty bible cover ever killed anyone... right?


(They make diapers big enough for high school kids, don't they?)