Time to CROSS Over

How's Your Heart Today?



I watched with my gut in knots as a decision was made regarding a particular incident that happened back in August, when I was obliviously school clothes shopping, planning Neva's little birthday party and having a boost/ensure drive for the local radiation clinic. After the announcement was made, I watched the split screen in horror as  people ignored the continued and thorough speech that included the explanation and reasons why the decision was reached, and instead the "peaceful protesters" threw bricks and bottles, cursed, chanted and started fires, yelled and fired their guns. Forensic, scientific evidence was irrelevant. The blatant and documented disrespect and assault of an officer paid to enforce laws and protect us was irrelevant. The sad loss of a young, precious life--full of potential was irrelevant. All that seemed to matter, was some ill intentioned folks did not get the desired response, and just like I've seen my two year old do repeatedly upon not getting her way, tantrums were thrown. These fits, however, were seemingly unrelated to the tragic issue at hand. Instead, they were more so wrapped around a need for an excuse to behave criminally with the robbing and arson and vandalism of several local businesses. My babies, unsure of what they were watching, asked "Mommy, why are they breaking that police car?" My heart ached, partly due to the innocence of the question, partly because I was appalled and scared by how my fellow humans were behaving, but mainly because I know that very same world playing out with all it's evil right in front of our eyes, is the world I send my babies into everyday....

Though I have voiced my unfiltered opinion on this hot topic, knowingly opening myself up for criticism, I am writing today not to pretend to be abundantly knowledgeable or political or an activist of some sort. I am writing to talk about what is going on right outside our door. I'm not going to stomp the sidewalks of Laurel  with a piece of cardboard reading "THE END IS NEAR", but when glancing around us, perhaps we should all be living that way....


It's no secret that I have attachment and abandonment issues. I have spoke of this before and cant stress to you the impact this anxiety has had on my day to day life through the years. I am not sure if it's something innate, as I've been this way as far back as I can remember, or if it's a result of something that happened in my childhood. Either way, long before cancer touched my life and long before my young brain should have been thinking of car wrecks and natural disasters and terminal illnesses, I have constantly feared, on a deep level, the loss of loved ones. While this overwhelming fear subsided greatly upon getting saved-- it does still linger in the dark corners of my mind and heart and presents itself fairly often when making decisions about my four young daughters. And when you look at the world falling apart around us with gangs, disrespect for laws or authority figures, incurable diseases, the praise and encouragement of immoral behavior, the intolerance and insult for those with Christian beliefs, the distrust and conspiracy theories left and right against our government and leading officials and almost a complete segregation of folks based solely on the particular pigment of shell they are wearing--can you blame me? Am I really that crazy for wanting to close my front door, lock it, and never let my girls see the light of day?


What gets me from one moment to the next, from one tragedy in the news to another, and what allows me to let my kids have even a moment of freedom out from under my wing --is my faith. From the moment my eyes open in the morning to the moment I drift into slumber at night, I find comfort in only one fact--my heart belongs to Jesus. The events that lead to my being saved were tragically beautiful. The lowest, saddest point of my existence here on earth--faced with the decline and potential loss of my sweet mama-- proved to me that I am completely incapable of facing this world alone. I cried hysterically that night and apologized just for being me....and begged God to help me..... to save me. That night, He picked me up off the floor and carried me through every chemo treatment....every heartache... every bit of bad news....  He held me as I held her and watched her take her last breath....... I could not have handled the loss of her, without God. Literally could not have handled it. The process of getting saved is not complicated, considering the beautifully eternal benefits following it. Listen to what God's saying as He tugs at your heart. Feel Him pull you. Revel in the fact that He knows you and despite your flaws, He loves you like no other can. Ask for His forgiveness. Ask for His mercy. Allow your heart to break and welcome Him to mend it together piece by piece until you are anew. It is an indescribable feeling of love and a depth of bond previously unfathomable. The old me is gone forever and life changed the night I got saved. Giving my heart to Jesus was the single most significant and amazingly beautiful decision in my life. My heart is transformed.

 Hard things still happen. Life didn't miraculously get easy because I am now a Christian. But, I am better equipped to handle the tough stuff when it comes at me. Last night I let fear overcome me.  As a sweet friend and I watched the story unfold simultaneously, I asked tearfully "How do we send our kids out into this world?".....

Her response was straight from God's mouth, to me:

 "Because we know Who is still in charge".

God knew with my earthly anxieties and fears  that I needed to be reminded that He's in charge. That even in the darkest moment he still has me and my girls wrapped in His arms. And when all else does, He will never falter.

Leaning on Christ is the only way any of our children have a fighting chance in this dwindling world we are temporarily calling "home". THE ONLY CHANCE.

Which brings me to my initial question:


How is your heart today?

Romans 10:9-10

That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.  For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.

Romans 8:38-39

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I Got Prollemz

They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder.....Right?

I'm not sure if I'm crazy, controlling, paranoid, or just hormonal in some way.... Or all of the above.

My every moment is consumed with dishes and laundry piles that never shrink and stinky diapers and runny noses and arguments and begging and whining and crying and Dora and Bubble Guppies and constant insanity....Because of this, I find myself fantasizing about a day off. Or an hour off. I like to think of how incredibly clean the house would be if I didn't have to stop cleaning every  5  minutes then ultimately give up. I think how the clothes wouldn't be wadded up in a basket, but would be neatly folded and put away if Maxx didn't bulldoze them as I try to fold. I think about the refreshing nap I would take, if there was no one to supervise for a bit. I think of the blog reading I could do (mainly my fave, Erin's), I think of the delicious meal I would prepare, if there was no one yelling "I'M STARVING!" as I'm cooking. I think of how amazing it would be to use the bathroom without little people watching...and laughing. I think of how incredibly romantic a night alone with my husband could be...I think of how amazingly comfortable our bed would be when there's just two people sleeping in it. Yes, "just a little time off", I think, "that'll just set everything straight". Then, I get it... AND I FREAKING CRY THE WHOLE TIME.

Today was a typically crazy Saturday. We had FIVE birthday parties to attend. We actually made it to 4. The last one was a sleepover for the two bigs, and even though I know they are staying with good folks, I felt so uneasy leaving I was pure sick. Neva is 6 years old, and I can still count her over-nights on two hands. My baby Nori is 4 and a total Mama's baby....or Maybe I'm a Nori's baby...Not sure. Either way, I missed them immediately and cried the whole way home thinking of all the horrors that could occur without me there to watch them and protect them. The sane part of me (very small) realizes this thought process is med worthy. But still I battled the thoughts and sniffled away all the way home. It's funny how when they're away, you don't think about the bickering, and sassy mouth and messiness and the attitudes and loudness and all the crazy. Nope, when they are away, a montage of beautiful memories plays in your mind to the tune of butterfly kisses .... You see them smiling sweetly and running in slow motion through a field of flowers. You wonder why you would ever need a break from such angels. Or at least, that's what goes through my mind. The mental slideshow ended when I arrived home, with my tear soaked cheeks. Michael had cooked us a little supper, which I found to be incredibly sweet. The tears were gone, but the anxiety remained. I put a sleepy Maxx to bed and Mili was glued to a Barney video in the backroom. With the littles squared away, he and I took advantage of the rare opportunity to eat supper and watch an actual adult movie together....Well, not like an "adult movie", but a movie that isn't animated and stars actual adults. Just what I have been wanting: Plenty of freedom to spend time with my Michael, catch up on cleaning and get in the bed early. Sounds great, right? Wrong. I stared anxiously at my phone waiting for texts from the hostess of the party... I was pure annoying the mess out of her asking how things were going....and if everyone was alright...and to call me if she needed me...and to make them behave, etc...

She sent me these to ease my mind:

I could plainly see that my babies were having a blast. No horror that needs my protection.  I felt so much better. So, I decided to enjoy the night with my husband... Guess what...

I waited too long to relax. 

So, naturally I went to work on those piles of unfolded laundry, right? Negative. 

Instead, I finished watching a comedy and got me a couple really good belly laughs. 

Then I got in the bed, without kids, early, right? Not exactly. 

I came back here to talk to you guys.

 (I did catch up on my blog reading, though). 

And you know what? It was kind of nice. 

I won't deny that my need to hover over my kids is a wee bit...smothering. And I am not sure if I'll ever be able to successfully let go of my girls. They are my life. But I think it's not exactly abnormal for me to crave a lil alone time, then to not know what to do with it once I get it. Perhaps this will be an ongoing task for me. A work in progress, we'll call it. But I reserve the right to complain about all the chaos that consumes my day, and to occasionally dream about a break that I can't totally enjoy just yet.

 I have realized, perhaps absence does make the heart grow fonder.... but beautiful presence makes that fondness stronger.   

And now, to sleep without a foot in my face. 

When We're Ready

My little Mili will be 3 years old in February and is no closer to pooping in the potty than she was the day she was born. (nice opening line, right?) During my years working in the field of childcare I learned and passed along to many anxious parents "they do it when they're ready" and "each child is different". I am constantly proving to myself how little I "practice what I preach", because it is KILLING me that she wont just get trained already! Neva was 24 months and Nori was 22 months when they kicked the diapers. I try, I really do, to keep that out of my mind. But it's hard not to compare them just a little, and wonder what she and I are doing wrong. I introduced it to her over a year ago. No pressure. Just "Hey, this is the potty. We poop and pee in here". I sat her up there that day and have done it countless times since then. Nothing. Well, there was this one time that she peed in there on accident. But other than that, nothing. I keep reminding myself, that she just truly isn't ready. But, I also keep beating myself up that I am not approaching this from every possible angle or taking advantage of every single teachable moment.

Those of you that stop by here from time to time may have noticed I changed up my look a bit. On a simple note, green is my absolute favorite color in the world and I thought I would incorporate it here... On a much more complicated note, I thought it was time for a change. I find myself avoiding this blog, though I love it so much, simply because it is just completely intertwined with mom. It's totally bittersweet coming here. This blog was started because of her fight. It helped me deal with everything that was happening each day. The hard things, the happy things, I reported most all things and it felt so good. So relieving. Mom supported my writing and was an avid reader, and didn't mind me sharing even the most intimate details of our lives, because she knew it was therapeutic for me. I promise myself almost daily that I will begin writing again, regularly, even if it's about nothing, because that is when I am happiest.... But just coming here, it takes me back and it saddens me quite a bit. Almost unbearably. This blog isn't the only aspect of my life that I have found myself stuck in the past. I caught myself hiding my dingy cloth bible cover in our small group class the other night. See, I use her old cover..... and I've never been able to bring myself to wash it. If you're doing the math, I know, it's gross. Far too long for a bible to be in my floorboard getting stepped on, on my bar getting ketchup splatters, and drawn on by little artists... It's hard to explain. She and I started going to church together. It was always us together. And in a way, using that ole' unwashed cover feels kind of like she's with me still. Crazy, right? I spend a lot of time thinking that I should be fully healed by now.... That I am too old to be wallowing and needing my mama and I'm too loved to feel lonely without her...I think about people I know with loved ones lost that seemingly healed much faster than me.... And I often worry if I annoy those around me because I am constantly talking about her.

Well, I can't completely change in a blink, but I did take a small step and I updated my blog.

You know, I think it's ok not to be quite ready to totally let go of something, and grab a hold of something new. I also think it's ok to not be on the same timeline as everyone around you.

And then, suddenly tonight, it sinks in.

 Mili and I are in a very similar predicament.......

So, I decided to give both of us a break...

A dirty diaper, nor a dirty bible cover ever killed anyone... right?


(They make diapers big enough for high school kids, don't they?)

Thanks Stevie

I can't stop thinking about her. I've been fighting back tears for days......truthfully, a couple weeks. I think it has something to do with the crisp feel of fall in the air, the smell of autumn and the vibrant leaf colors that pale in comparison to the vibrancy she brought into my life. It was her favorite time of year... Mine too. Then today, for whatever reason, this song pulled the tears from my eyes. I sobbed. And now as I type this and try to describe the sting in my heart, I cry still.


I took my love and I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
Till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Oh, I don't know
Oh, I don't know

Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older, I'm getting older too
So...

I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older, I'm getting older too
Oh yes, I'm getting older too
So...

If you take this love, take it down
Oh, if you climb a mountain and you turn around
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well, the landslide bring it down,down

And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well, the landslide will bring it down
Oh,well, well, the landslide will bring it down
well, well, the landslide will bring it down
well, well, the landslide will bring it down

I miss her so much. It's just too much sometimes.

No Longer An Athlete

Apparently, I have a lot of parenting ranting to do, 'cause here's another quick vent about the kids.

I never knew being a parent was so cut throat, until I actually began to interact with parents that aren't my friends. The other day, I was talking to two beautifully pregnant women. While they were around my age, I felt the wiser of the three of us because of my "been there, done that" experience in the field of gestational engineering. They each had one child and were expecting their second. The conversation was going back and forth with "what if's" and "should I's", so I took the opportunity to share my experience in having my second child, Nori. I offered my laid-back-slightly-southern-and-totally-oldschool-approach-to-parenting, anecdotes, and received stares that shamed me to silence. Apparently, 10 months, (Neva), 7 months (Nori), 3 months (Mili) and 6 months (Maxx), isn't long enough to breastfeed. Apparently, that is a pitiful effort. 2 years is much better. Supplementing until the breastmilk comes in, (which I did with two of my girls) is unacceptable. Pacifiers, (which all of mine took accept Mili, who instead took a thumb...... and still does) are not an option. Letting the baby sleep in the nursery after delivery, (which is amazing...), is practically neglect because of the bond that will forever remain unformed. Using an epidural, (which I begged for like a crazy person when I had Maxx), is unnecessary.....McDonald's? no way. Sugary snacks? not hardly. Not organic? inedible....Suddenly, I didn't feel so wise. Suddenly, my confidence was jaded. Suddenly, I was not so great of a mom, after all.


Michael is short handed at the shop right now. So I've been helping out here and there. As you working parents know, this isn't an easy chore. Your "day" actually starts the night before with picking snacks and choosing outfits and packing diaper bags etc. In the morning, after getting the two littles to Mrs. Becky, I run Neva to school as she eats a solo cup of applejacks with a plastic spoon and practices her spelling words while smacking. Then, Nori and I go to work. It's a production....a complicated dance that I am desperately trying to learn the steps to. But Michael needs me, and I want to be there for him....So, after working Monday and Tuesday, it hits me that Neva has a project due Wednesday! I knew she wanted to use candy in the diorama, so I flew to Wal-mart for supplies and then back to Ms. Becky's for the littles (Michael picked up Neva to alleviate a little stress). The next THREE HOURS were spent working with Neva and hearing her intelligent and creative ideas and helping her create them and handle the adult scissors and hot glue gun safely. All this while trying to keep Maxx and Mili occupied and letting Nori help so she wouldn't feel left out. Finally, it was done. And it was so cuuute!! Then immediately came the nightly marathon of supper and baths and teeth brushing and getting ready for the following day. I intended to ask my mother in law to help me this morning, as I knew I would have to carry the project in for Neva. But, I was exhausted and distracted and I forgot until it was too late. I assured myself I would do it the next morning.

This morning, we jumped up running and took off to the school. we were about half way there when I realized that I didn't lock down plans for my MIL to watch the girls. I was going to call. Then I looked over in the passenger seat at the project that was falling apart with each bump that I hit. I whirled in Lakeside grocery and grabbed some super glue for touch up, then headed to the school. That's when I realized I didn't call her, yet  again, to come meet us. At his point, we are at the school. There's no time to wait for help. So, I make a politically incorrect decision to leave my three littles in the car and run Neva's project in. Now I, like you, am very aware of the headlines in today's news. Kidnappings, hot car deaths etc...These things literally keep me up at night. I have pure cried over little Cooper Harris, and the senseless and horrific fate he suffered. However, I am not the parent that says that "it couldn't happen to me". While the details of some of these cases contradict it truly being an accident, I do know these accidents can happen. I know how distracting parenting can be. One day a while back, I got all the kids out of the car and headed in the house. I was putting away my refrigerated stuff when I realized Maxx was still in the car. We are talking 5 minutes, but it showed me that it absolutely can happen to anyone....well, some of us, anyway. I leave the girls in the car fairly often, I won't lie. I leave it running so it's plenty cool and lock it and run in the store to get a loaf of bread or to pay for gas etc. I have literally never had a problem. Now, when Mili learns to unbuckle herself, I will have to rethink ever doing that. But for now, Neva and Nori know better than to mess with the locks or to unbuckle their seat belts. They are not allowed to speak to ANYONE even if they know them. No eye contact at all. I have tested them by sending out a friend or family member and they both have passed several times. Still, this is not something I do light heartedly. It is not something I enjoy or take advantage of. It is literally a move I make hesitantly out of sheer desperation to take care of my duties as a wife and mother, with as little drama as possible. So anyway, back to today. I carry Neva's project inside for her. On the way in, she looks up at me sweetly and says "I love my project, Mom. It was so fun. I love you". My head started to swell a little. I felt like I might be one of those master parents again..Wise beyond my years and those who need advice can seek it from me: "the parenting guru". Not really, but I did feel good about all the chaos resulting in a great memory for my baby, Neva. I sat her diorama down, then I walked her to Bible Club. As I left the school, I said "have a good day" to the several teachers on the sidewalk helping children out of their vehicles in the drop-off line. When I made it to the last teacher she said "There is a lady standing by your van watching your kids". My heart sank. "What!?!" I asked, at first thinking of her as a predator. I began to walk faster and almost broke into a sprint. I squint my eyes as the sun blinds me bouncing off of the pavement and though it's blurry, I see a female, standing beside my van with her hands on her hips. I couldn't quite make her out until I got a bit closer. She was around my age, and looked familiar, though I can't say I know her. She glared at me as if I was a common street thug out mugging elderly people. Then I realized, I was the predator. I immediately got a lump in my throat. She said "I saw your little girl moving around in there and I thought she was alone, then I realized there were more." Her tone was irritated. I am assuming she pressed her face against my tinted windows to learn of the little two. I felt angry at her audacity. I felt embarrassed, because through her "concern" she found it necessary to somehow alert the teachers on duty. I am assuming she yelled to them to gain optimal attention, I don't know. I also felt angry at myself for going against my gut and not confirming some help in time to get everything done. The gas station is one thing, but the school is something different, I suppose. I couldn't see them through a window, like usual. She scolded me that Nori could have knocked it out of gear. I assured her that wasn't possible, I mean I guess technically it is possible. If Nori unbuckled, then unbuckled Mili (which she cant), then they hatched a plan that one would push the brake on my 2013 automatic transmission minivan that doesn't "knock out of gear" easily, and the other would use small motor strength and skill that they neither currently possess to press the button and pull the shift down out of gear....It's totally possible I guess... Just not likely. I suppose in the fluke case that their plan was successful, she was going to hurl herself in front of the van to protect the ditch from harm. And it was ALL about the kids and their safety so she drew lots of attention to herself, "the hero". Though I wanted to say so much, I just smiled. It was a fake smile, so it probably looked a bit psychotic adding to my persona of "unfit parent" I had created for myself. I thanked her for her unnecessary concern. Then, mortified, and once again reminded that I am not a pro-parent after all, I got in the car and cried the whole way home.


We've all been there I think.... Perhaps not getting busted, leaving the kids in the car, but just being made to feel inadequate. We see a woman a month after she gave birth and she looks better than she did before, while after 10 months post baby, we struggle to chip away at the excess weight one lb at a time. We see a family in a restaurant and the kids are behaving perfectly while our own have spilled two drinks and one kid is under the table throwing a tantrum. We go in Walmart and...Well, I've told you my Walmart story. Parents all around us are handling things with ease and while perfectly dressed and groomed and we are hanging on by a thread while unable to quickly recall the last relaxing bath we took, and for that matter, the last 5 minute shower.... And you Facebook folks have it worse.....From what I understand, it's nonstop with the "look at my perfect life" snaps and selfies. The comparisons we inflict upon ourselves, from which we find ourselves not quite measuring up, are usually based on nothing more than a photo or quick glance from the outside. These comparisons are brutal and unnecessary. They render us defeated, when most of us didn't realize we were in the game. Should we stop our children from behaving well, or stop smiling in public or posting happy pictures or photos of things that make us feel proud, for fear it will bring someone else down? Absolutely not, I say. Be proud, smile big and post away. Instead, let us browsers and observers remind ourselves that, just like every book, there is much more to it than the just the cover. There are things about each person we meet, that we do not know, and perhaps will never know. Good things. Bad things. Complicated things. And sad things. That criminal parent you met at the school, who was so terrible and negligent to leave her children unattended in the car, might be the wife of a workaholic, the daughter of a fallen cancer fighter, the daughter-in-law of a disabled stroke victim, and the mother of 4 little girls with only 2 arms to attend to them. She might not have an abundance of help in her day to day life and has developed customs and patterns, that you may or may not agree with, to handle things all on her own. She may not be a terrible and negligent criminal of a parent after all.....She might love her kids more than the air she breathes. Let's leave our assumptions at the gate.

 Some say there is no "perfect life". Well I, for one, disagree. I am living mine. My "perfect life" is ever changing and filled with joy, pain, disappointment, pride, arguments, hugs and kisses, mistakes, hard lessons, and tons of laughter and love. Yes, my version of a "perfect life" definitely looks very different than the stereotypical image of perfection, and more than likely it looks very different from your version.... And that's quite alright. I am so glad there are people out there that excel in different things. Some are better decorators. Some are better at balancing life, work/family etc. Some are more stylish. Some are better and more patient with kids. Some are incredible cooks.  And you know what, I congratulate them! That's wonderful! If that's you, be proud of your talents! Some, and I do mean a select few, they have it all. And if that is you should be proud of yourself as well, because it is noooo easy task. But, when you see those of us that are really good at trying hard,  just give us a break. I want to throw it out there: I never joined the league of competitive parenting. I didnt. Why? Because I can't win. Not even close. I am very, very aware that I am not going to win any parenting awards any time soon. I am also, very aware that I make tons of mistakes. I leave my girls in the running, locked car sometimes. I feed my kids cereal to-go in a solo cup. I let them eat McDonald's on occasion. Everything in our fridge is loaded with preservatives. Sometimes, the same pajamas are worn two nights in a row. I let them eat off the floor if they drop something. Sometimes I don't rinse the last drips of juice out of the sippy cup before pouring the chocolate milk. I let Maxx teethe on a chicken bone. I get to town occasionally and realize I forgot to brush someones hair (sometimes my own). It is my belief, that a lil pee in a diaper is ok, when it stinks or sags is when it warrants a new diaper. Sugar? Neva's snack for school today was a twinkie and gummy bears. I sometimes raise my voice, and then I feel guilty later. The girls know if they need socks, they have to be dug out of a basket. Something smells like a dumpster in my car right now, and I cant find the source so my kids are just breathing these awful fumes everyday. No, I'm definitely no poster-mom. But I don't step on other parents to make myself feel high and mighty or superior in some way. I know that each story is different. From the overworked and stressed out single mom to the exhausted grandparents raising a grandchild in their golden years, to the mom of four beautiful girls that just wanted to walk her eldest inside the school without breaking out the stroller that she would inevitably be unable to push because of the project being made in huge Muck Boots box. In my other post, I talked a lot about judging...I actually overused the word, so I will avoid using it here. But can I say, I don't presume to know everyone's story. I don't need their story to make me a good mama. I'll use my own merit. I don't agree with a lot of parenting styles I come across, but it's none of my business as long as the children seem healthy and loved. I don't need to condemn their choices to gain praise for mine. Though I won't be asked to write any parenting advice columns in this lifetime, I AM a GREAT mom, faults and all. My children are (kind of) clean, they are well fed (...or just fed, whatever), and they are so happy (when they get their way). They are so incredibly loved. They have such an abundance of love coming from so many directions that they'll never be able to comprehend it. Ever.

For future reference, if you see a cpl kids in a nice looking(slightly stinky), locked car with it running--they're probably alright.  I wouldn't crazily stare in the window and scare the 4 year old in the car. But it might not hurt to keep a peripheral, nonjudgmental (okay, I used 'judge' ONCE), eye on them until their mom makes it back. Just an anonymous favor from you to her. Chances are, their 5 minutes in the car doesn't necessarily indicate abuse or neglect. I probably wouldn't alert the authorities or try to shame her publicly.....I am sure the last thing she needs is yet another blow to her parental confidence.

 Parenting is so difficult! It is truly the hardest and most ongoing task in our paths on this beautiful earth. I say that we not only stop sucking in unwilling athletes,  but I propose let's shut down the league of competitive parenting altogether..... As fellow parents trying our best, we need to support each other and encourage each other to keep at it and not lose faith. When we feel confident as a parent, we will perform good as a parent. Let's relish in our strengths and together we can brainstorm ideas for our weaknesses. Let's motivate each other when we are at a loss or down in the dumps. Let's share ideas and compare notes and offer help in a nonthreatening way. Let's lift each other up, because God knows there is enough pulling us down. Our views and opinions and styles may vary from lax to on-point, but our unwavering love and goals for our children to have a beautiful life ring the same.

No more opponents.....

Just one team working together for a bright future.

GAME OFF

Terrible Twos bring Bearable Blues

You ever see that kid in the grocery store showing out....I mean really cutting up and think to yourself  "if that was mine I'd ______________"?...........

Yeah, I hear ya. I've thought the same thing. 

While I have thought about and desired to write countless times, today I actually MADE time for it to happen. Mili and Maxx are asleep in the car (don't gasp, it's running and it's cooler in there than it is in here and from where I am sitting I can see and hear them), Nori is watching a movie, and Nevie is at school.

I pretty much just cried the entire thirty minute drive from Wal-Mart to my house. And I need to vent this out like I have done so many times in the past.......May I?

So, last night, Nori really put on a show at Michael's parents house. We had some delicious ribs with Mr. G's signature sauce over rice, and  homemade slaw, beans, corn on the cob and rolls. It was amazing! Well, after the meal, my sister in law and I were cleaning up the mess when I looked up and little Nori, without being told, was cleaning as well. She was wiping tables and chairs, carrying her grandparents' plates and glasses into the kitchen, she even held the dust pan when I was sweeping. It was precious and incredibly thoughtful for a 4 year old. She seemingly wasn't seeking praise as she did all of her work silently, careful not to draw attention to herself. Blown away, I knelt down and cupped her face. I kissed her softly, told her how proud I was and told her there might be a special prize in her future. Now, in 6 years of having children, I can count on one hand how many times my girls have gotten a toy, other than on a holiday of some sort. And I am not really big on rewarding "being good". But this was beyond good behavior as far as I am concerned, and warranted a lil something special. She was so excited! It was literally the first thing she talked about this morning. So, after dropping Neva and my niece Rylee at school, I, Nori, Mili, and Maxx headed to Wal-Mart. We had about 15 good minutes...... Then, Mili started. 

At my old job, as a preschool teacher at and then director of, an inclusive preschool, I have worked with all sorts of children. I had the most precious angel with down syndrome, I had a couple kiddos with various degrees of Autism, several with ADD/ADHD and one with ODD. I also dealt with countless tantrummers and fit throwers. I thought, I kind of knew what I was doing. I mean, there was never a situation that I couldn't handle. But with Mili, I truly draw a blank. I confided in a friend with a gorgeous and sweet  child (that just so happens to be autistic) that I was concerned that Mili might have something going on. I also  found myself at her last check up, begging Dr. Chard to help me. "Is there  something wrong with her?" I asked with tears in my eyes, as Mili screamed and launched her shoes across the examination room. Dr. Chard is equally direct, and comforting to me. I just love her. She told me that Mili was fine. Just strong willed and still adjusting to not being the baby. She refreshed me on tantrum 101, "ignore, do not respond, do not give in....then praise the good behavior" etc. and she assured me that it WOULD pass. 

At her worst, she would ruin every trip to a restaurant, every ball game, the walk inside and back out of the church, the grocery store, and every outing of any kind and pretty much had rendered me a hermit. Think "ruin" is a harsh word? It is not, I assure you. For those of you who have dealt with a head banging, screaming, kicking tantrum thrower, you totally  understand my wording. For those of you shaking your head that I "allow" that type of behavior, well, you've never had a head banging, screaming, tantrum thrower. Just because Mili behaves this way on occasion, and your child may not, doesn't mean you're a master parent and I am failing. And even though your child is behaving like an angel and is watching quietly as mine blows the windows out with her piercing screams,  it doesn't mean my baby is some sort of demon. Mili is a beautiful, intelligent and incredibly sweet child. It's not her or me. I had two children before Mili and  I have changed my parenting style very little in the last six years. I think Neva might have thrown one or two fits, but they were nothing to write home about. Nori, now she had a little attitude from time to time. But I handled it and I thought I had this terrible twos thing in the bag. But nothing that I have dealt with as a mother with the other girls could have prepared me for Mili. After months of tantrums, we had  finally KIND OF gotten things under control. She was still hot tempered and dramatic, but what two year old isn't?....That's typical stuff. Everything was going great. I was able to go and do things again. Then Neva started school a couple weeks ago, and Mili seems to have regressed back to some of her old ways. I don't know if it is directly related, but that is definitely when it started. It's not as bad as it was, but it's pretty tough. 

So back to Wal-Mart today. Mili had already had two spankings (don't judge) upon our arrival at Walmart. So, it wasn't the best start. Once we were in, Nori picked out a little $5 pack of kid make-up for her prize. And we started shopping for gifts for the birthday parties we have this weekend. Mili wanted out of the buggy, and reluctantly, I obliged. She looked sweetly and excitedly at the toys, but never asked for one. Which is good, because with the morning she had, the answer would have most definitely been "no". But as I went to leave the toy section, Mili began to scream. Like, really loud. I pretended not to notice and kept walking. "Mili, let's go. It is time to go" I said calmly. "NOOO! I NOT GOING!!!" she barked back and continued to scream. I felt my own temper starting to erupt as I do not tolerate being talked back to disrespectfully. I continued to walk and was approaching the end of the aisle. Mili was several feet behind me at this point,  but still in view....and definitely within ear shot. I gave the illusion that I knew what I was doing, but secretly wondered, "what do I do when I get to the end of the aisle?!?!?! I can't keep walking, she'll be unattended....But I can't stop, because she will 'win'...".  SO I cut the corner, out of her sight and stood there. I had one eye ball on her. She continued to scream, tearless, and was glued to her spot. I had to wave a couple passerby's away, as they stopped to help thinking she was lost and crying. They looked at me judgingly. Finally, realizing she wasn't affected by my absence, I walked back to her, picked  her up and put her in the buggy. I didn't speak to her. She screamed louder and louder and began to flail. This was astonishing to me, considering how far she'd came with her behavior. This was like square one all over again. She was arching her back and just throwing a hissy fit.

 I felt sick to my stomach. My nerves felt completely and utterly shot. Everyone, and I do mean EVERY one was staring. I can't say that I blame them, really. It sounded like "torture on aisle 4". I could feel how annoyed they were and a felt an overwhelming desire to both snap at and apologize to every person I passed. A couple people tried to speak to her "awww whats wrong baby?" But mainly, there were  whispers and stares and judgment. I felt the tears welling up in my eyes. All I wanted was to grab milk and a few groceries....Why couldn't everyone just understand? Then, the nicest lady walked up and said sympathetically and confidently "good for you for not giving in! I know it is hard, but she will tire out soon". And while I SO appreciated her words, her niceness just jerked the tears right out of my eyes. And once they started falling, I couldn't stop them. I was embarrassed of my emotion and walked away quickly. Another stare, pulled a reaction from me, I said "I know it's not ideal, but I have to get groceries". Mili was still screaming. Perhaps louder. The stares were abundant. Just countless. I smiled to give the illusion that I had it all under control, though I knew my face revealed tear stain. Finally, flustered, emotional and completely unable to think, I gave up. I needed so much more than kid make up, birthday gifts and milk.... But I just bailed on the shopping trip. I headed for the register. "What about Nori and Maxx?" you might be thinking. Well, they were walking/riding silently--thank goodness. I finally found a lane that wasn't just ridiculous, although there would definitely be a wait. The cashier, seemingly angry with life today, looked down the line at us, her new customers, and rolled her eyes. She said something to the customer she was currently waiting on, something I couldn't make out (over the screams) but said customer made it obvious that it was about us, by looking straight at my buggy and responding to the cashier matter of factly. Then again, perhaps I was just paranoid. I was burning red with a lump in my throat and fighting off a tantrum of my own. I was mad at myself for feeling embarrassed of my child and mad about my lack of emotion control and for not having the upper hand during the tantrum. I was mad at the rudeness of strangers, who I assumed were jumping to conclusions about Mili and about me. I was mad at Mili because in my heart I know that she is capable of better. In that moment of anger and frustration, another sweet stranger squeezed my shoulder and she quietly said, "it gets better". I forced a smile, but with it came a couple more tears. Just like a hug from Mama during a tough time would always simultaneously help me, and make me cry worse, the kindness of those strangers released my tears, but calmed me immensely. As I swiped my debit card, Mili relaxed in the buggy and started sucking her thumb quietly.

 I walked to the car, with tears streaming my face. I loaded the stuff, then buckled all the girls. I, then got into my seat and put my face in my hands and sobbed silently. I let most of it out....Not all, because who has time? That would be an all day session.  As I put the car in reverse and began to back up, I noticed Mili was already asleep. Nap time had brought out the worst in both of us. 

So as you go about your business after stumbling upon this post, grocery shopping, eating out, going to church or whatever it is that you do, if you come across a mom with a screaming toddler, please don't judge her. And even though I know it is hard, try not to stare, either--she's embarrassed enough. Don't think to yourself how big of a failure she must be as a parent because your kids "would never"....Please understand that she did not choose this, but is trying her best to handle it. Please understand that as annoyed as you are, she is a million times more-- I assure you. Do not assume she is oblivious to others feelings, or doesn't value their time because she ignores the screams and goes about her meal or her shopping-- she is just following doctors orders. Do not believe that the child is lacking discipline, because in most cases this is FAR from the truth. Do not blame the child, because regardless of how it looks, it is not their fault. Please give her a warm smile, or a shoulder squeeze, or a "good for you" or an "it gets better". Pray for her patience. Pray for her other children. Pray for her lil tantrummer. Lift her up instead of kicking her when she is down. 

Even if you are the superior parent (which is awesome), try to realize that most of us are just mediocre, winging it and hoping for the best.We are here with our kids, trying our hardest, loving them with all of our hearts, perhaps breaking down or blowing up here or there, messing up constantly  and learning from our mistakes, but still we are here, sacrificing and tirelessly devoting every moment and shred of energy......And as tough as Wal-Mart (or any other outing with kids) can be, there's no place we'd rather be....than right there with them. That's gotta count for something. 

I love my smart, funny, sweet and beautiful little Mili. My child that fits no mold, but her own. She is perfectly Mili: challenging and strong willed and totally irreplaceable. The keeper of my heart.  

Total Hypocrite

 I am human. I live in the same society that you do. The one that doesn't acknowledge anything over a size two or God forbid has a dimple in it as even remotely attractive. I live in the same botoxed, chemical peeled, filled, enhanced, rejuvenated, lypo'd, nipped and tucked world that you live in....And it's pretty easy to get down on yourself sometimes, isn't it? Maybe it's just me. But I spend way too much time picking myself apart.... Here are a few of the things that really bother me about myself:

• My weight. It's one thing to be heavy, but I carry it weird. I have all this extra weight, and it is proportioned in a way as if I am still pregnant.
• I have psoriasis.... You may never see it. But it's there and it's not a good time. 
• My skin. It is caught somewhere between still being pubescent and prematurely aging. Awesome. 
• Umbilical Hernia. EVEN if I could lose the weight, and EVEN if I could regain a remotely decent shape and EVEN if I came close to thinking about a two piece bathing suit again--I'd have to show off this giant lump in the middle of my belly. 
• Stretch Marks. I had a few from the first three pregnancies. Maxx ruined me.

And my newest low self esteem causing attribute:

• Thinning hair. In the last month, my once thick head of hair has lessened by half. It is falling out in a fashion and at a speed that I could never consider normal.

Well, I hit the highlights anyway.

I sat in the examination room of the clinic today, waiting to be seen for this nagging cold that I have been ignoring. I found myself secretly thankful to be there so that I could have an opportunity to nonchalantly ask about my hair. Everyone in my world has told me it is due to stress or is post pregnancy related and that it would correct itself in time. So, in trying not to overreact, or further stress myself thus worsening the situation, I agreed to wait it out. Even though in my heart I worried that it was something other than stress and it would continue until I had not one single hair left. I sat in my exam room crying. Sobbing, actually. Partly because I was sick and fatigued. Partly because I glanced behind me on the paper covered table where I sat, and saw a pile of hair that once was mine. Partly because I could still (quite vividly) feel mom's  precious and pitiful feverish head laid over on my shoulder from 3 years ago, as we waited for that exact clinic to do some of the preliminary tests that would ultimately discover her cancer. But mainly, I cried because I realized that I am a total freaking hypocrite. 

I flashed back to a day, where my sweet lil Mama was crying over her hair that was falling out. I remember seeing the hair everywhere, and feeling sad for her. And scared for her. But I remember thinking "who cares about hair?"  I even cut mine off to prove to her that you don't need hair to be a beautiful person on the inside. It was my view, that hair was the least of our concerns and I didn't want her to waste a minute crying over it. Then, I snapped back to present day and realized I was squalling over mine.

What. A. Hypocrite. 

It's really hard facing a huge change like losing your hair. Cutting your hair off is one thing, you are in control of that. But when it is happening without your permission--that is absolutely petrifying. And my situation is SO minute compared to what she was facing and what she was going through on a day to day basis. Mine may continue, or it may stop tonight. Time will tell. Hers? She knew the odds were against her ever having her thick head of hair again after possible damage from the radiation. Comparing our similarities and our differences, I felt absolutely horrible. I wished sooo badly that I could apologize to her for not understanding and perhaps being a bit more sympathetic. But I stand by what I told mom. Her hair was the least of our concerns. And She was beautiful without it. And there were such bigger things to worry about and countless more things to be thankful for.

I thought about her body and the stages it went through as the disease progressed. How it conquered her slowly.... She lost energy, her hair, the ability to eat, the ability to think clearly, and eventually the ability to stand-- amongst SO many other things, yet she remained strong as could be. Scared maybe. Crying at times, obviously. But still strong. I cried harder and harder as I waited and reminisced. But that cancer, it never got that beautiful heart and amazing spirit. The cancer was beaten to the ground by those attributes. The most important attributes. Suddenly, my tears stopped. 

I left with an antibiotic for the bronchitis. Which officially makes 3 people on antibiotics in my household. I  left with a referral to a dermatologist for my hair. Although the dr seems to think we need to take a look at my thyroid. But more than anything, after my trip down memory lane and the drying of my tears,  I left with a new perspective. 

I don't want to be misleading...I am still scared about my hair. And I didn't have an epiphany that made me ready to break out the hot pants and tube top. I didn't leave full of confidence and proud of all my aesthetic shortcomings. But, I did leave thankful. I am thankful that my lungs are healthy and breathe air in and out with ease.... The same air that allows me to chase my babies through the yard and giggle and pillow fight and blow their bobo's after they've been cleaned, and sing their fever away. I am thankful for my legs that dance goofily and make little girls laugh hearty belly laughs as our living room transforms to a private little dance party. The same ones that kick a soccer ball around in the yard on a nice warm day. Those legs can lift little girls into the air and they instantly transform into super-heroines flying high above the earth looking for someone to save. I am thankful for ears that can hear the soothing popping and cracking of a fire as we roast marshmallows for messy smores. My ears often hear little whispers and giggles, when little girls are supposed to be sleeping....I hear them praying with their innocent little voices, and I know I am doing a little something right. I am thankful for life experiences, good and bad that reveal themselves in the lines and imperfections of my skin. Without those experiences, where would I be? Who would I be? I am thankful for the ability to eat delicious foods and laugh over a hot meal with family and friends. I am thankful for my hands that caress the softest skin until the heavy eyelids of little ones eventually close and they drift into a sweet slumber. Those hands have locked with Michael's so many times that his warm touch is ingrained in my fingertips forever. I am thankful for a body that can stretch and grow and bear the children that now absolutely define me. I am thankful for a mind that can recall precious memories whenever I want to time travel, and allows me to help with homework and think up silly stories that invoke the imagination of little artists' with their crayons. I am thankful that my green eyes gaze deeply into Michael's beautiful brown eyes and I still get a skip in my rhythmically beating heart. In this body, I praise God for my countless gifts. God gave me this perfectly imperfect body to house my spirit that is strong like Mama's and to protect my heart that is so full of love. Oh my heart. Ever growing. Ever breaking. Ever learning. What a thankful hypocrite I am. 

Pic-Palooza Part 2

A few Christmas Shots

Mili and Aunt Sharon

The cutest couple EVER!

Kody and Tayler

So cute

These are not the actual Ninja turtles...They are just my nephews dressed up

Ripping the paper is the coolest part.

One day these kids are gonna hate us for making them dress alike.

Punk and Maxx

Decorating Bubba's tree

Christmas with the Taylorsville Family

Can you decode this precious wishlist for santa from Neva?

Pupe= puppy

Shywwww=Shoes

glowpet (she did good on that one)

Jakit = Jacket

KulrSplash= Color Splash

Mitin = Mittens

Not sure what's happening here...But I think Brady's winning...

Sweetie pie boys

Rylee serenading Maxx

cupcakes with Ana

Me and Kristen

Pajama Day at school

This year, we let this kids pick out a tree in one of the fields where we live, we cut it down, put it up, trimmed it  and decorated it..We've decided to make that a tradition since we had sooo much fun doing it! 

Waiting patiently for Santa

After about 30 Minutes, he made it! Noone was scared this year. 

Baby Maxx

Christmas at Nay Nay and PawPaw's

Christmas with the Cochran's

Silent Night?

Photo bomb by dad

.....With visions of sugar plums dancing in their heads

Christmas Morning

Christmas morning, Pawpaw told the story of coming to America from Nicaragua, going to college and building a successful business that's almost 50 years old. The way they listened, you would have thought they were watching some cartoons or something....They were hanging off of his every word.

Skinny jeans

Loose tooth

Nabis!

Hunting with Dad

Gross....But they loved it. 

Firework Show

Happy New Year

On Michael's 30th Birthday

He rode the donkey at Mi Casitas...

Michael's such a serious guy....ALL the time. He works 7 days a week, every single week. 

My friend Britani said all the fun was probably built up inside of him. 

I'm pretty sure he unleashed the beast on this night... (check out the lil girl's reaction)

See Maxx's lil strawberry?

Laser tag in December for perfect attendance!

First sleepover!

We love sweet Sydney!

Sad eyes

14 inches of beautiful hair got donated to Locks of Love

She had been begging... And we finally agreed...But it hurt my stomach sooo bad :(

Pretty sure Michael got physically ill

It's soooo cute tho

Me and Daddy on my 31st bday

I had my camera on some weird coloring... So we look kind of funny.

We listened to some live music and tho noone else was, he asked me to dance,....and we did. 

Nori's first haircut, ever....Just about an inch or so...

My birthday celebration at Ronnie's....

Lunch with Aunt Sharon

o....m....g

Sweet babies

cuddling up to daddy

artwork during the snow

snow angels

Mili was so excited watching the snow come down....Then when it was time, she ran straight out into it and buried her bare hands inside it....When the cold burned her lil skin, she cried her heart out..

The perfect thing after playing ALL day in the cold cold snow? Delicious hot chocolate!

first tooth... This broke my heart...Time really won't stop, will it?

Making her own cupcakes

Happy bday Mili!

Superbowl Party

I have no idea

Nori's in a big hat phase....Rarely without a hat these days. 

Not quite time according to the rule book....But I knew she was ready, so I recently started introducing some baby foods...This was her first bite. 

Awesome twinky birthday cake

Happy birthday Nori!

LOREDO!

When Mili was born February 1st, just 4 days before Nori's birthday, I worried they wouldnt get that special treatment that I love to give each of my kids on their birthday....Last year, we had two separate parties...One week apart. Not the most convenient set up for anyone...

This year, we had a little sweetheart party for both of them. And at some point, they may not like it....But we haven't reached that point yet. They did just fine sharing a party. 

sugar overload!

Finger painting with chocolate!

Mili is a bubba's baby

We did sing to them individually....

No one seemed to mind singing the song back to back....

Emily kept the lil girls

So we could have a big girl's day!

MILI LOVES COOPER or "CooPah"

I love these precious angels.....They are just too sweet, and the best big sisters EVER!

Kaden's good with kids

Neva came home BEGGING to be in a pageant....I am NOT a huge fan of pageants...But I always told Jamina and Punk and all the others that told me I should put my girls in pageants "when they ask to do it, we will do it". I kind of always assumed that would be around 8th grade or so...Nope. Turns out, it was kindergarten. After Neva made it sound so awesome, Nori, too, wanted to be in the "beauty patch". 

Tayler found us some beautiful used dresses for a steal of a price. We just had to have them altered and they were perfect! (Have you ever priced brand new pageant dresses?!?!?!?!)

Tayler teaching us the "T Formation"

Chinese Ryan's with the Inlaws

She's doing soooooo much better! Still cray, but not as much. 

Check out this weirdo when we went to try on slips and dresses in Elegant Evenings

Hat....I'm tellin ya

Time for Valentine cards!

now that's a nap right there

"To Mom

 From Neva

Mom I love you.

You are the greatest Mom in the whole world.

 But, If you love me, I love you more..."

She's still learning.. but it was unexpected, and from the heart..... and just perfect to me..

yep....That ball of cuteness is all mine. 

"Mom, you are a beauty"

If you look, her sounding out her words and spelling them accordingly is just precious.

Lunch w my precious friend Melissa

A beautiful faux Spring day

Here are a few shots I took for the Most Photogenic part of the pageant

I entered the two little ones in this portion of the pageant....Maxx won!

Those eyes.....And lashes!

My Father in Law's sister, Mimi, from Nicaragua came to stay with us for a week or so. The last time she was here, was for our wedding almost 9 years ago.

They argue over how old she is, but she's either 83 or 84. But she is absolutely beautiful inside and out. And tho she can't speak a word of english, and I can't speak a word of spanish, she and I really bonded while she was here. 

She is a hugger like me...And she will just plant the sweetest sugar right on your cheek. 

I got a translator app on my phone and that somewhat bridged the communication gap. 

Josh, Amber and the boys didn't make it to the pageant, but they sent sweet balloons the day before. 

Time for makeup and hair!

Emily took the hair, I took the makeup...

Pretty lil Rylee

I didn't have a good shade of lipstick, so we called Tayler for backup

Punk is a pageant fanatic! And Uncle Bubba wouldn't miss it

Nori won 1st Alternate! and Best Fashion in her category! I felt this decision was the right one... The girl that placed above Nori really knew her way around a stage. But Nori tore it up as well...She hit every mark and every turn....Blew me away!

Emily is SOOO talented....You can see for yourself at Studio B!

Sweet Leslie loves my girls...And I love her for it...

Lunch break in between categories! Shipleys Chicken on a stick, please!

Too much time with pretty hair and makeup...Tayler touching up mine and Emily's work!

Neva had a slip malfunction at the last minute...And her dress drooped in the front... Though her walk was perfect and her modeling was seamless, I feel the dress cost us some points....

Neva got 2nd alternate and most photogenic! I felt that she deserved atleast 1st alternate, but I didn't storm the stage or anything...

So, so, so, proud of my babies!

Both girls will tell you "I won the beauty pageant!"... And they really did. 

Everyday I am reminded of how incredibly blessed I am....

Photos with the fam

somehow missed getting a picture with Aunt Teresa and Aunt Jamina, but they were there!

Aunt Linda and Emily had Mili and Maxx over at the Chili Cook Off!

bubba and punk brought flowers for the two beauty queens!

I won't lie, I had fun with it. But I am still not a fan.....

Maybe not this time, but at some point they will realize the difference in 1st alternate, 2nd alternate etc..

And while I won't shelter them from the difference in winning and losing, I'd prefer that outcome be based on talent, skill, or something other than just appearance...

I don't need to pay a crazy amount of money and spend all day in an auditorium for some strangers to tell me what I already know....

Of course they both "want to do pageants EVERY day".... SO we will see how this plays out...

Chillin at Bubs

Theory tested: I bought her cookies and bought myself dried vegetables....Notice the green bean in her mouth.... It truly don't matter what it is, if it's mine---they want it!

Here is Maxx the monkey...And her monkey pals Muerto and Monte

SOCCER BEGINS!!!!!! 

and there is no shortage of babysitters! Ms. Stephanie loves my baybays...

Michael is coaching again!

Mili loves it! Keeping her off the nets and the fields is the real issue!

Nori's coach, Coach Bob, is the nicest guy ever!

At this practice he even let Mili get in on the action!

Time for MiMi to head back to Nicaragua :(

Gonna miss this sweet little lady!

Well, you are officially up to date!