My Apology

Dear Mama,

Today was rough. Very, very rough.

The girls and I were in the car when my cell phone rang. It was Michael. He informed me that there was a couple at the Donut Shop, check in hand, wanting to purchase your little car. I knew it was coming. I mean, we HAD to sell it. But, upon hearing this news, I became very, very emotional. I just kept flashing back to your birthday last year, when you got the car you always dreamed of.

 Dr. Penland offered to schedule an appt. in Jackson for a second opinion. You were not interested, but you wanted your sisters to believe you when you told them you were receiving the best care available. You didn't want them to have any doubts about Dr. Penland or the medicines you were taking, so you agreed to the appointment. After hearing that the Dr.'s in Jackson and probably across the grid, would have been following the same medicine/treatment pattern as you were getting right here in Laurel, I have to admit I was a little let down. Until that moment, there was hope that maybe--just maybe there was SOMETHING out there that could cure you. You told me later that you were not surprised by the news and that you were very satisfied.

Afterwards, in an attempt to make the day positive, we took you to get what you referred to as "the best birthday gift EVER".

It was far from brand new, a '03 and had just under 100,000 miles on it....But to you, it was straight off the showroom floor.

 I rode with you in your little bug all the way home from Jackson, and we made Ronnie ride by himself in his truck! You had your sunroof open, and the windows down the majority of the drive. The whole way home you kept repeating "I love it! I absolutely LOVE it!!!". You had the biggest, most beautiful smile on your face. I will NEVER forget it. Regardless to the fact that you had just received such horrible news, AGAIN, you were beaming. I was so happy FOR you.

We held hands the whole way home....You were ok. Better than ok. You were happy and feeling good. It was a great day, and one I will hold dear to my heart for the rest of my days.

I remember the first time you drove it, and I also remember the last. It was the day I came home from the hospital with Mili. The girls and I were going to stay with you, so you were going to go to David's for some pizza and snacks. I asked you if you thought it was a good idea to drive, because you seemed kind of loopy (later we found out the disorientation was part of the dying process). You assured me you were fine, and you climbed into your cute little car for the very last time.

My hands shook today as I signed the title away. Then, I walked over and touched it one last time. I looked inside it. I saw you sitting there. You were happy. You were on your way home from a dr.'s appointment. Neva was in the back seat. You had country music blaring. She was dancing. I saw this and I cried. I rubbed my hand down the side as I walked away and continued to cry on and off until this very moment.

It was a sweet couple that bought it. At least your lil friend found a good home.

 I found it very difficult to function the rest of the day. I just feel so bad. So guilty. I know that you told us we HAD to sell it after you were gone. You didn't want us keeping it or any other material item for sentimental purposes. But still, I feel so bad. It seems like you always had to sacrifice and struggle. But, you never gave up and you never complained. I just hate that it took a death sentence for you to get the car of your dreams. I hate that we didn't make it happen sooner. I hate that you barely got to drive it. But more than anything, I hate the reason that it sold today. I wish so much that you were here to enjoy it, to enjoy us, to enjoy life. I'm sorry Mama. I sit here crying tonight, and I beg you to forgive me. I am so, so, very sorry.

I love you,

Nikki 

Keeping Busy

Dear Mama,

 I miss the sound of your voice. I call your number all the time, and when the operator tells me it's disconnected, I still have trouble believing it. I read and reread our texts messages over and over and over. I usually do this at night, as I am trying to fall asleep. The bad days are still out numbering the good, BUT I am keeping busy and trying my absolute best to keep moving forward.

Here are a few things you missed...

Poor Ronnie had to have a wisdom tooth cut out. I offered to take him, (probably to his dismay, considering the kids had to come). This is him BEFORE....

Here are the girls DURING the surgery. There was no way I was letting them "remodel" the dentist's office. So, we played in the parking lot and sat in the car.

AFTER. He did really good. I made him a pot of potato soup before I left him. I know that was yours and his "thing". Ya'll were always making that at your house. I didn't know your recipe, but I did the best I could. He went to work the next day, and as far as I can tell he hasn't missed a beat.

While he was in a medication induced coma on the couch...I couldn't help but notice a few things....

The artwork that the kids made YOU, was still on the fridge.

YOUR coffee remained on the counter, though Ronnie doesn't drink it.

So I looked around some more.....

YOUR tooth brush is still in the bathroom...

YOUR jacket and bible are waiting on the bench by the front door, for our next church trip.

YOUR  closet is still full of YOUR clothes.

The last Sprite YOU ever drank, or tried to drink, still rests on the table by your bed.

There is so much more....I could go on and on. When I really noticed all these things, I ached for him. I'm hurting, don't get me wrong. I know Josh is too. But, what he looks at every day in the house is just beyond my emotional comprehension. It's got to be devestating to come home every day to these reminders, IN ADDITION to the memories, thoughts and feelings we are all experiencing. I remember after Papaw died, you went to try and help your sisters clean out the closets. All of Mamaw's stuff was still there. Well over a decade later. You made me promise that I wouldn't do that. You made me promise that I would clean out your closet and try and make things as easy on Ronnie as they could possibly be, since he would be living in your old house. I promised you and quickly changed the subject, because the loss of you was never something I wanted to think of. Not until the day of Ronnie's surgery, when I noticed all of this, did I understand why you made me promise. Papaw was living with all of those reminders every day. It had to have been hard on him. The closure was not there. Well, as much as I hate it, a promise is a promise. I will be cleaning out your old house in the next couple of weeks to honor my word. I know these items are not you....They remind us of you. But we don't need them to remember you. You are in our minds and hearts constantly. 

I took the kids to Diddy Bops the other day. Kristen met me with the boys and they had a blast....

Even Mili enjoyed herself.

Of course the day wouldn't be complete without your precious Nori throwing a tantrum. She drew alot of attention. I got a few negative looks for ignoring her and letting her go. I know a big dirty stare would have came from you. You would have showered her with attention for this little episode.

She would have stayed there alot longer, had it not been for her big sister. Neva thinks she has to take care of everyone.

I looked up, and all the kids were on the biggest slide there....I couldn't believe how much had changed since last year...The girls were afraid of it last year!

Last year I was the only one to get on the big slide...Well, me and one other person....

Remember that day? You had been down and not feeling well. The chemo had you exhausted. I really wanted the kids to have a good time in spite of all the running and dr.s appts and stuff. So, I planned a fun day. You decided to go with us, though I was SOOO worried about you. I was watching the kids, but I kept glancing over at you. Making sure you weren't overdoing it or too hot or too cold...Anyway, one of the glances, caught a half bald little lady climbing the big slide! I couldn't believe it! My heart rested in my stomach until you reached the top step, then excitement over came me. You giggled all the way down.

That blur is you!

I know you didn't feel like doing that. I'm so glad you did though....Ah man, I miss you so much.

After a good time at Diddy Bops and a waterfall of memories washing through my brain, we went to the Olive Garden ( mine and your fave)...You can just imagine how that went...

We lived through the day. A few extra gray hairs never hurt anybody, right? We agreed to do it more often.

We have been swimming over at the inlaws alot lately.

We also went to Cutter's pool party recently.

It was nice seeing everyone, and the girls had a GREAT time.

Noah and Brady were very brave in the pool. Well, until Noah fell in anyway. He went under, then popped right back up with his little floaties. But he was done after that.

 I would be lying if I said being around The Taylorville family isn't a little awkward. We were never there without you, almost EVER. I found myself quieter than usual, though I didn't mean to be. When I am with them, it is then that your memory is the most vibrant and that feeling of loss is most prevalent. Just last year at Cutters party, I was checking and double checking on you to make sure you didn't over heat. I also remember vividly that you ate a slice of pizza while we were there...I was SO excited!

Your lil man turned 4 the other day! So I went to, yet another, party without you. I couldn't sit quietly and hide behind a crowd at this one, because it was just us. So I did my best to put a smile on. But, it's just not the same without you there. I kept thinking of you. How you lightened everything up. Things are much heavier without you. Birthdays were such a big deal to you.You would have been stressing for weeks about what gift to get him. Every little thing was a big deal to you. You tried to make everyone feel special, but it was YOU that was truly special.

They are growing, Mama. Time is just flying.

The kids had a great time. Chocolate ice cream from Bops with sour gummy worms and sprinkles, how could they NOT have a great time?

Of course all these Summer activities have me, once again dwelling in the past. I didn't know last Summer would be your last. But, it was always in the back of our minds, so we were doing all kinds of stuff just in case. We made alot of memories and had a good time together. I am so very, very thankful for that.

Here we are at the coast. I had no idea how sick you were...Because YOU HID IT FROM ME!

You played and laughed and acted like nothing was wrong. It wasn't until we got home that I found out you had a double ear infection, an upper respiratory infection, and needed 2 PINTS of blood!

I was mad at you for not telling me how bad you felt. Looking back, I think I understand why. You didn't want your illness to upset this beautiful trip and this incredible memory. You are truly the best person I ever knew.

Our Sunday dinners continue on. We take turns cooking, but always enjoy eating. It's very important to me that the kids are close. I know that was important to you too. If nothing else, this day serves as a binder to pull all of us together.

The hardest part of going to your house lately, is passing by this little place...

I love David's Grocery so much. I always have. I love it for what it stands for....I love it for the family that operates it. I love it most because it was your home away from home for a decade. But, I cannot, CANNOT go in. It was hard as you were sick to go in and out of there. But now that you are gone, I just can't. I was in that store EVERY day to see you. Especially after I became a stay at home mom. Remember? In an attempt to avoid cabin fever and get out of the house everyday, I came to David's to see you. You will forever dwell behind that register, and behind that warmer. It is perhaps the only place more painful to experience than going to Taylorsville. I'm going to work up the nerve one day.....

I ache for you, mom. I never knew that was really possibile until now. It's a sting that starts in my stomach but then works it's way up through my heart  into my throat. Then I cry. The crying isn't as frequent as it has been. So I guess that's a little progress. But the ache...it's relentless. I know you are perfect now. I know this. I know Heaven gained that day you took your final breath...But, oh Mama, how we lost. We lost our rock. Our light. Our hearts.

I will write again very soon....

I love you so much...

Love,

Nikki

Four Months

Dear Mama,

Today is Father's Day AND it's been exactly four months since you left. FOUR months..... Me and Ronnie were talking and we can't decide if it seems like forever since you left, or just like yesterday. I guess it just depends on what day it is. Today? Today it feels like a lifetime since I felt the warmth of one of your hugs. All I know is I miss you so much. So does everyone else.

I just wanted to take a minute to tell you I love you. Remember for your 49th birthday (last year), I made this list of a few of the great things about you? Well, I am re-using it for your Father's Day gift. Don't judge me.

49 Things That Make Brenda

BRENDA

1.   She LOVES chicken legs

2.  Laundry is her least favorite chore

3.  She loves to sing and dance

4.  She’s a GREAT cook

5.  She is stronger than most

6.  She drinks milk when she eats chili

7.  She MUST sleep with one leg out of the covers so it can “breathe”

8.  Her smile is big, bright and beautiful

9.  She can make conversation with anyone

10.           She will do without to provide for her family

11. She loves hugs and kisses

12.            Her mama was the light of her life

13.            She is her grand Children’s favorite playmate

14.            She almost Never wears makeup

15.            She dedicated one day a week to spending time with her daddy

16.            Her siblings are her best friends

17.            She HATES to talk on the phone

18.            The beach is her favorite place

19.            She is a hard worker

20.          Margaritas are her drink of choice

21.            She doesn’t like change

22.          She is very blunt

23.          She changes the subject abruptly when she doesn’t agree

24.          Her laugh is intoxicating

25.          She is always the life of the party

26.          She finds it hilarious when toddlers use bad words

27.           Her favorite color is Blue

28.          She raised her kids to be strong

29.          She Loves horror movies

30.          She is hard headed

31.            When she is in a bad mood-EVERYONE is!

32.          She talks in her sleep

33.          She loves country music

34.          She is beautiful inside and out

35.          She buys the BEST heart felt gifts

36.          Soul Food is her favorite

37.           She is most comfortable in sweat pants and a sweat shirt

38.          She will not spend money on herself

39.          She only had one PLANNED pregnancy

40.           Her grandkids are her heart

41.            She makes each of her kids feel like they're her favorite

42.          Her spirit is unbreakable

43.          She will lift you up, though she is down

44.          She inspires everyone she meets

45.          Her love is contagious

46.          She loves many, but unknowingly is loved my more

47.           She never gives up

48.          Her faith is unwavering

49.          The light within her heart, brightens the world

We love you!

I remember typing this like it was yesterday....When you read it, I wanted you to laugh, and maybe blush a little, and of course, I wanted you to feel the love and admiration that we have for you. Happy Father's Day Mom. You were the best at both.

Love,

Nikki 

"You CAN Handle The Truth"

Dear Mama,

Our trip to Gulf Shores was nice. I loved seeing Michael relax....

I loved seeing Mili in a bathing suit for the first time...

I loved seeing Neva run from the waves...

I loved watching my girls work together...

I loved seeing Michael doing his FAVORITE job (Being Daddy)

I loved seeing Nori's hair get bigger and bigger with every wind gust...

But, Mama I HATED how hard I had to fight off sadness during such a happy time. I fought it. I smiled. I laughed. I tickled the girls and played hard....But still I had to fight. I missed you more than ever on this trip.

We didn't overdo it with the touristy stuff. We took naps everyday... ALL of us..

We took time to really soak it all up.

We went to Lambert's. Here are the girls playing on the wooden train outside...

Mili seemed like she had a pretty good time...I let her try some mashed potatoes at Lambert's (she's a fan). Don't it look like she's giving the 'thumbs up' here?

The Track was fun again this year. Nori wasn't tall enough still, but luckily the attendants weren't very attentive. So she rode everything.

and she LOVED it....

We went to the Mobile Zoo. It was cute. It was literally half the size (or less) of the Hattiesburg Zoo.

Poor Mili. She has the "3rd child syndrome". Signs: Mom occasionally props bottle with blanket, Passy gets rinsed with spit, and baby gets placed in non-age appropriate stroller for convenience...

This trip, I am thankful for. Our lil family needed it. BUT I couldn't stop thinking about you. It was one short year ago that we were all there together. I kept seeing you. Seeing us. And it was breaking my heart...

I saw us on the beach... You were tired and the heat was a bit much...

I saw You at Lambert's on the lil wooden train WITH the kids.

I thought of you at The Track, disappointed because they wouldn't let Nori ride...

You were laughing and having a good time....Oblivious of anything sad.... And I was envious...

You were with me. I was with you...It was a feeling, that I am learning, will never be duplicated.

Michael noticed that on the trip I was talking about you more than ever. I can take ANY conversation and bring it back to you. I know it must irritate him. If so, he doesn't let on. He listens and usually reaches for my hand. Most of the conversations, if not interrupted, lead to tears. I teared up alot on our trip, but I wouldn't let the tears fall.

Our first night home, perhaps I was just tired, or maybe I had taken all I could take....Either way, after the girls were asleep, I had a bit of a breakdown. I cried hysterically. I even had a panic attack. Michael held me, like always. He didn't even call me "crazy", although, I'm sure I looked the part. When I calmed down I explained myself (somewhat). See, every trip I have ever been on without you, I spent more time on the phone with you than actually experiencing the trip. "Hey mom guess what we ate?" "mama You'll never guess what Michael did!" "I miss you mama". We spoke about everything while I was gone, and then AGAIN when I got home. It was OUR thing. Well, there was none of that. I spoke to no one while I was gone. No one wanted to know Neva and Nori's reaction to the waves. No one wanted to know what I ordered at The Oyster House. No one wanted to hear how self conscious I was in my bathing suit. No one. And it tore me up. Every night that my head hit the hotel pillow I felt like something was missing. Then when I made it home, I couldn't wait to unload the endless details of our trip onto someone...But not just anyone...YOU...And I couldn't. And I just couldn't bear it any longer. After my meltdown, I felt a little better. I am still putting a smile on and putting one foot in front of the other. I am trying mom...I really am. But this is harder than I thought it would be...and honestly, it seems to be getting harder.   

At Noah's ballgame, I was proud of him --but devastated to not see you in the stands. Because you would have been there front and center cheering and laughing.

He's a chip off of the old block. Destined to be a ball player. You would have LOVED it. I know you watched him....I just wish we could have seen you watching him.

In addition to wanting to spend more and more time with Michael's mom, I find Neva searching for that "Grandmotherly love" in alot of places. She leeched on to Amber's mom at Noah's game. Then she asked me "how come Noah has lots of Grandmas?"......I don't know exactly what she meant, but I know she feels that something is missing.

In an attempt to lose my extra weight, I joined the Wellness Center. Well, all three girls have taken up with Ms. Frieda in the lil day care. I think she, too, has that grandmother vibe that they are craving.

It kills me.

I have been kind of mad at myself lately. Why can't I be stronger? Why am I such a cry baby? A pure wimp, I am. I have just kept thinking, "God will never put more on me than I can handle". And I have been kicking myself because of how weak I am. I am hurting so bad. I wonder every sunrise if I will make it until nightfall. Or will the pain of your loss overcome me? Why oh why can't I just be stronger and handle this?

It's amazing....I have SO much to be thankful for....So much positivity in my life...But I dwell on the negative. I dwell on the loss of you. Everyone says "it'll get easier". I listen, because I know they mean well....But what I want to ask is "When? When exactly am I going to feel like getting up in the morning--instead of having to force myself? When will I feel like laughing again--instead of remembering my best friend's gone halfway through a chuckle and then feeling sick to my stomach? When will I feel like I can function as a normal human being again? WHEN WILL IT GET BETTER? WHEN?!?!?!"....But I know no one knows the answer to this...Especially not me. All I know is that in the last (almost) four months, it has done nothing but get more and more difficult to live a life without you. I feel like I may never heal from this.

I often wonder if perhaps I need some therapy or something. Michael says I am normal and he thinks I am handling things in a healthy manner.... But he doesn't hear my thoughts or see the images in my mind. He doesn't feel the constant sting of pain that dwells in my heart. I think of you constantly. CONSTANTLY. I don't know that it is healthy OR normal. I think of you when you were well. I think of you when you were sick...And when I HAVE to, I think of you as you were dying. Why did you have to go? I just don't understand. I see mothers and daughters everyday, and though I don't want to be--I am so envious Mama. I am green with jealousy. I feel these same feelings when I see a grandma eating lunch or walking through Wal Mart with her grandchild. When they giggle, when they hug and kiss, my heart swells with jealousy and anger. I just wish I could grasp WHY this had to happen. We need you. I need you.........and You WANTED to be here. You WANTED to be a part of our lives. SO WHY? WHY YOU?

You're missing so much. Easter, Mother's Day, Brady's birthday, Mili's milestones being met, Noah's T-ball games, our lil beach trip....There's SO much more. Time just keeps ticking. The kids are growing. Things are changing. I have so many things to tell you. And many more things to ask you about. Things that other people don't get. Discussions that were ours -mine and yours. Will I EVER fill this void?

Who knew Mama? Who knew when they told us you would die within a year, WHO KNEW they were right??? I didn't know. I might have thought it, but I didn't believe it whole heartedly until I watched you take that last breath. Even now, I struggle to grasp the concept of your death. The gravity of your NEVER returning here is too much to process for a simple mind and fragile heart like mine. So each day, when faced with your absence, I have to remind myself. Oh, how I hate remembering.

Don't worry about me, Mama. I am going to be ok. I pray for the day that the good days far out number the bad. But I am ok. I know that I am blessed in so many different ways. There is no number high enough to calculate my blessings. I am ever so thankful for each of them. But I miss you and I just wanted to talk to you candidly like we always did. The good, the bad, the ugly--you always listened and never judged. I am definitely down right now. But I WILL be ok...I have that much of you in me.

Brother Robby touched on the phrase "God will never put more on you than you can handle" the other day. New in my faith, I thought this was something that was written in the bible. After all, I have always heard it. It's not. It's not in the bible. And it's not true. Brother Robby spoke about just how hard life can be. It literally can break us. We ALL have our hardships. Failing marriages, infertility, financial issues, addiction problems, health concerns, and of course the pain of losing a loved one are a few....There ARE things too difficult for us to handle. Loads too heavy for us to carry. Things too complex for us to understand and pain too intense for us to bear....ALONE. We can't do it alone...I KNOW I cannot do this alone. This just really is too much for me. I pray each night for His help in handling this as I should. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be jealous. I don't want to be bitter. So, I ask for His forgiveness and I ask for His help. Though I struggle today, I know that tomorrow brings with it a new start. I find great comfort in His promise. You and I together again? For eternity? That thought, I can MORE THAN HANDLE.


I love you with all my heart lil lady....

Nikki