New Endeavors

Dear Mama,

Something incredible happened today! I couldn't wait to tell you all about it.

First of all, you should know that I had ANOTHER dream about you last night. It was wonderful. We hugged and kissed so many times. I really felt you. I love those kinds of dreams. I awake to the feeling that I have actually seen you. We were talking about all kinds of stuff. I don't know why, but you appeared to be mad at Josh about something. Just before you left in your little bug, you stuck your forehead to mine. we have done this so many times in the past. We sat there for a second with our heads touching, then we both busted out laughing. You told me you loved me, then got in your car and left for the coast. Even in my dream, I was worried about you driving alone, just as I have in real life as far back as I can remember. It's pretty incredible that I am dreaming about you so much, I usually awake happier than when I fell asleep.

Jamina called me later in the day and told me about a Relay For Life Team Captain meeting. I have been wanting to get involved, and when she called my heart told me that now is the time. Your passing is still fresh and heavy on my heart, but my desire to make a difference is equally as prevalent. Jamina too, has been wanting to get involved for a while now. Who knows what ever holds any of us back when it comes to lending a helping hand. I can find a million excuses to sit it out, but when I think of all you went through, all that WE went through, I am itching to play even a small role in preventing someone else from experiencing that. The meeting was interesting and confusing. Having never participated in anything like this, I was kind of lost. Luckily, everyone was really nice and broke it down in simple terms for me. One person even stayed after the meeting and started from square 1, Why even have a Relay for Life? I understand now that this event is to honor survivors and fallen fighters (like you, mama) as well as their families. The added benefit, is that money is raised to help patients, families and fund research. Knowing that without the community's generosity, you would not have been able to afford your living expenses after the cancer took your ability to work--how can I NOT want to lend a helping hand to "pay it forward"? You would have loved the people in this room, mom. I teared up a couple times, because I wished that you were sitting beside me. I longed to see you stand up in front of that group and share your survivor story, and talk about your hopes for our team. I glanced around the room. I didn't know all their stories, but I felt linked to each person there. Each friendly face disguised a horrible a cancer story similar to ours. I looked back down at the floor, where Neva and Nori were crawling around. Neva couldn't stop playing with one woman's feet. In Neva's defense, the lady's toenails were painted beautifully and her sandals were a pretty bright shade of yellow. To a kid, that's pretty enticing, I guess. But I wondered, can I make a difference with my kids in tow? I mean, I am rarely without them. Can I really do enough to matter? Then I thought about you......You're no celebrity. You're just a woman that stood on her feet working over 40 hrs a week serving her community, to support your kids and household. You greeted customers and talked to them like friends. They were your friends. Then, when we needed a friend, they were all there for us. A small gesture on your part, lead to a HUGE reward. So, in applying that same concept to this situation: A little effort and care can go a long way. If what our small team can accomplish, will help even one family going through a cancer situation, then we have accomplished something huge. I am very excited about this new endeavor.

The girls know that we are trying to find a cure for cancer. They asked me if we found it, could you come back. Oh, how I wish that were the case, mama. If only I could hold you somewhere other than my dreams. I need you now, more than ever.

You fought so hard against this enemy. Now it's my turn.


Love you and Miss you more than words can express,

Nikki