In the few hours that I actually slept last night, I had a dream. You were there (in your green hoody!) and we were talking. I was telling you I missed you. We hugged so many times. I just kept grabbing you and squeezing you. It was wonderful because I really felt it. In my dream, it was though you had just been gone for a while. Your passing was never mentioned. The last thing I remember, is my asking you a question...."What do I do now, mama?" I was crying. I awoke before I heard your response. I was thankful for the dream, because I have longed to hug you so badly. But, I couldn't help but feel sad that I never heard your answer.
Yesterday marked the one month anniversary of your arrival in Heaven. To the untrained eye, everything is going good. I finally got that mountain of laundry folded that had been growing since you were diagnosed all those months ago. I rearranged the girls' room, cleaned out every one's closet, and have been working in the yard a little. I haven't got back into cooking EVERY single night, yet.....We have been donating a good bit of money to the local dairy bar. But, I am doing better.
Neva is doing GREAT at her gymnastics! I mean absolutely fantastic. She has took to it as good, or better than she did back when you were able to come watch her. Her coach is strict and knowledgeable. I like it, because Neva really needs structure right now. She does better (behavior wise) when there is a schedule, routine and firm set of rules in place--you know that. She is beautiful mama. She misses you SO much. Just this morning, they were asking why we couldn't go to Heaven and see you. "'Cause it's not our time yet", I informed. "Why?" Nori asked so innocently. She followed quickly with her second question "Why is it Gammy's time?" See, she (once again) is following Neva's example and going through the "Why? Why?Why?" stage. It is unnerving sometimes, but when it's about you, it is just unbearable. Neva is constantly asking about you. I know I have to answer her. I try and find a truthful, yet age appropriate response....But it's hard to do.
Nori, my little "sweet heart" has developed an attitude out of this world. I mean, my goodness! She is something else. Funny how the "terrible two's" can turn a perfectly good little kid into a monster!!! She throws herself down, she hits her sister, screams to the top of her lungs and tries me every second of the day. She is gorgeous, but that little mischievous smile keeps you on the edge of your seat. You always wonder whats coming next. Her potty training is going great. Very seldom does she have any accidents. She also has such sweet moments. Lots of hugs and kisses. She is a mama's baby and I love every second of it.
Those two girls, they keep me going. DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT, let the two of them out of your sight! Someone is going to strip down, jump off of something, or tear something apart...And it only takes a split second. Last week, they were playing rough and I thought Nori's arm was broken! It was just a sprain, but I cried the whole time. I just kept wishing you were with me, or could at least talk me through it. Then, the other day, they stopped up the sink and flooded the bathroom. Quit laughing, mama. It's not funny. Ok, maybe a little. I do remember a certain teenage girl on the phone with a friend. She forgot her bath water was running and flooded your bathroom and hall as well.....Oh how you yelled at me!!! You definitely wished this on me....Why mama?, WHY?!?!
On a lighter note, little Mili is absolutely precious. I argued you up and down about her looks. I swore she looked like Michael. Nothing like us, really at all. "She's pretty like her Gammy. She looks just like me." you would tease. And you know what? You were right. She is eat up with you sometimes. She is a total sweet heart. She and I have bonded on a very deep level. Now I get yours and Josh's relationship a little better. There is something about your youngest. They pull at your heart strings. Late at night, when my thoughts keep me awake, I talk to Mili. We talk about you. She loves you, mama. She misses you, just like I do.
We are doing learning activities again. Nori refuses to learn her colors. She is super smart, so sometimes I get the feeling that she's messing with me. Sometimes she cooperates and other times she seemingly deliberately says the wrong answer. She recognizes some shapes, knows her alphabet (sort of) and can (sometimes) count to 10! Of course, she won't perform this in front of anybody, so I can't really brag too much--it appears that I'm lying. With Neva, we are working writing, cutting, and a few site words. She knows her colors and numbers in English and Spanish. When I try to "show her off", she make weird noises and talks baby talk. You know how they are. What can you do?
These little girls sure have kept me distracted through this whole thing. Without them, I don't know where I would be.
Yeah, mama, like I said, to any outsider, it would appear that everything is going good. But you know better. All this other stuff is serving as somewhat of a distraction. I am heart broken. I am lost and lonely. I am just now realizing that you are never coming back. I think I had fooled myself into thinking that this pain and sadness is temporary. But with each passing day, it becomes more evident that this is FOREVER. I have got to tell you, I am just devastated. I TRY not to cry too much in front of the kids, but I cry alot at night when everyone is asleep. Sometimes, I cry so hard that I bust blood vessels in my face and eyes.
Sometimes the image of you is so strong in my mind and other times I punish myself for not being able to vividly remember certain things. I will sit and dwell on something, like a story you told or the sound of your laugh. If I can't reproduce it exactly in my mind, I become upset. Today in church, as I walked down the aisles looking for a seat, I caught myself looking for the back of your head. I was looking to see if you had my seat saved, as you used to. I saw your little frame so vividly in my mind. I cried through the entire sermon. I kept looking down at my hand, and remembering how you would reach over and grab it and hold it the whole time. I remember glancing at you in the seat next to me and you catching me, smiling warmly, then looking back at Br. Robby. These visions kept popping into my mind....They were relentless, and I found it impossible to stop my tears.
I still think of you, mama, every time the kids say something funny or do something crazy. Used to, yours was the first number I would call to report any new Neva/Nori/Mili news. Now, your number is disconnected. I call it frequently, hoping that this is all a nightmare. I dream of your sweet little "hello" greeting me on the other end. I fantasize about this all being one of my crazy bad dreams and you are actually alive and well, finishing up your shift at David's. When you get off, the girls and I will meet you and we will all spend the day together. You will laugh and play with them. They will not have to ask sadly where you are or why you are there, because they will be in your arms. You will push them in the swings and kiss them until they giggle. You and I will hug and laugh and talk about everything. A beautiful day. LOTS of beautiful days to follow. Why is it just a fantasy? Why mama?
The boys are.....okay... I mean, they are like me. We are ok, but not really. They have thrown themselves into their work. We all talk daily and get together atleast once a week.We had supper together today. We all played in the yard, since the day was so beautiful. You would love this weather. It was hard to focus with you weighing so heavily on my heart and mind today. But I tried, for the girls.
Josh raced with the kids...He's just a big kid anyway....
Ronnie and Mili....She pooped on him. It was wonderful. Now, if I could just teach her to do it on command....
You'd be proud mom. Daddy has been visiting a pretty good bit lately. The kids really like playing with him, especially Neva.
With all the adult supervision, I decided to duck out for a rare alone moment. I had a special place I wanted to visit....
I hope you like your flowers, mama. I know me and you are not "flower people", but I thought you might like these.
I talk to you often in the shower, in the car, in my house, in my head, everywhere!
I know you're not really there, but I feel less crazy talking to you aloud, when I am sitting next to your grave.
I sat and talked to you for a while today in your pretty little spot. This location is so peaceful and sweet. Sometimes the kids run and play. But not today. Today, it was just me and you. I cried as I told you all my thoughts. I asked you a question just before I left, and I think spending the day with everyone showed me your answer.
I asked: "what do I do now, mama?"
You showed me: "You live, baby. You live."
I'm trying mama, I'm trying. I will never stop trying....I promise.
Thank you for the advice, like always. I love you with all of my heart. I miss you.
I will write again soon,
Nikki
No comments:
Post a Comment