Never Said It Was Gonna Be Easy.....

Dear Mama,

I would ask, but I already know that things are going good for you. Not good, great. Not great, heavenly. While I am happy that you are no longer sick, I can't help but feel sorry for myself. I miss you. I mean, really, really miss you. I feel as though there is a knife in my chest, and I am walking around with a constant ache. How long will it be before I bleed out? This pain is so intense and relentless. I cannot believe how drastically life has changed. You know, I think about life last year at this time. Me, you, Neva and Nori, going everywhere and getting into everything. We were always together. You had that nagging "cold", that wouldn't let up. You also had that annoying low grade fever, that drug you down a lot. I'm sorry mama. I am sorry I was so caught up in life that I didn't press it:"WHY is she running fever? WHY can't she get well, Dr.?" Why didn't I demand an xray sooner? I should have. If we had caught this when it was just in ONE lung, who knows? But I didn't press it. I will never know what might have happened if I did. Do you think I am selfish? Now that you see all things, are you mad at me? I shouldn't have dismissed your cough. You coughed all the time---a true trait of a smoker. But I KNEW it was different. I knew it. Why did I dismiss it? I was actually annoyed by your coughing spells, not alarmed by them. Do you think I am a bad person? I sometimes do. I could sniffle a little and you were all over me. But all the signs were there for me to see that something was very, very wrong with you--and I didn't read them. I ignored them. Do you blame me for anything, mama? I am sorry. I am so sorry. I would give anything to have you here with me. Though I know I am not, I feel so alone without you. I find myself frustrated with loved ones for various reasons, but I sometimes wonder if that frustration is really for them, or for myself...or for the cancer....or for you...I am sorry I said that. I don't blame you for anything. I am just lost now. So lost. Though I am holding it together and involving myself in various things to keep busy, there is no getting around the fact that I am lost.

Yesterday, Me and the girls were going to meet Amber and the boys for lunch. When Amber rode through the parking lot in your old black car, Neva squealed in excitement "GAMMY!!!!". Then, almost immediately her bottom lip dropped, began to tremble and she teared up. It is the first time I have seen her cry about your absence. I have never felt a sting of pain that remotely compared to what I felt in that moment. I took her into my arms. She laid her sweet little head on my shoulder. Her hyperness had vanished and been replaced momentarily by sadness. "You forgot, didn't you baby?" I asked with tears in my eyes. She just shook her head. Then later she asked "when the angels get through making Gammy well, can she come back home?" Then I had to explain to her that you were never coming home......"NEVER"......What an abstract word for a 3 year old to comprehend. It is actually too abstract for this 29 year old to grasp. I actually force myself to think of something else, when the gravity of the word "NEVER" pops into my head. It is just too hard to think about. It is too hard to think that you will never grace this world with your presence again. I will never come see you at work. I will never come pick you up for an outing. I will never watch you cook in your kitchen. We can never have a sleep over when Michael is at the deer camp. I can never watch you roll around on the floor with my three giggling girls. I can never see your beautiful smile as it forms on your face, ever again. NEVER.  I just can't take the thought....

Last night, Neva asked a question that sent chills down my spine...."mama, are you gonna get old and sick like Gammy and never come back?" And thus the cycle begins. My fear of losing you started at such an early age, I can barely remember not having it. Why? WHY is my three year old asking me that? and how do I answer it? Can I, in good conscience, assure her that I am not going anywhere, when recent events have proven that YOU NEVER know when your time is up? How can I make that promise? I just told her not to worry about that. I told her to stop thinking about it. Then I changed the subject. I don't want her to be like me. I don't want her to waste precious time worrying about things that she cannot change. My heart (whats left in tact) finished breaking into a million pieces in that moment. You always told me that I wasted too much time worrying. I know I did, and still do. Just like now, worrying that I didn't do enough for you...That I could have been better and more attentive, some how, some way.....How could I expect any different out of Neva? I am modeling this behavior for her.....I know that I need to change, before I curse her and the other two with this horrible trait. I will try, my absolute best--I promise mama.

I often feel that I cannot exist one more minute without you. NOT ONE.....Then I look at my beautiful daughters and know I HAVE to. I absolutely have to. And, I can't just "exist", I have to LIVE. Then I remember all those inspiring and beautiful things you said to me over the years. One of your most prescious quotes that swirls in my mind at all times is "Enjoy this time". You said it a couple weeks before you left. I now know what you meant, mama. Enjoy this time, because it is so limited and flies by so quickly. Enjoy this time. I feel that it is possible. Not easy without you, but possible.

I need you mama. I need you so much.

I love you with all my heart.....Bushell and a peck, hug around the neck.

Love,
Nikki