Rantings of a Surviving Baby

Dear Gammy,

Guess what?!? I am almost EIGHT months old! Can you believe that? I still remember when I was in Mommy's tummy all protected and cozy.  I remember my mom felt sad and scared a lot, because I kind of felt it too. I think it was because you were sick. You and my mom were always together! I could always hear y'all talking and laughing. It was nice in there, but the day I decided to come out was a great day! I met my mommy, my daddy, and I also met you. I remember looking at your face, Gammy. I thought you were beautiful! But I could see that you didn't feel good....I was sad on my birthday when you decided to leave the hospital and go home. But, Mommy said you needed rest. I needed some rest too. The nurses and my Mommy took good care of me while you were at home. When we left the hospital I was so excited because my mommy brought me to your house! You held me and kissed me so much. I decided immediately that you were my favorite friend. You told everyone how pretty I was. Your last big smile was when you opened your weary eyes and Uncle Josh said "Look, Gammy, Mili is here". You looked at me sleepily, and smiled so big. I think I was your favorite friend too. I was with Mommy the morning you decided to go Home. She was crying and holding you. I wondered why she was so upset. Uncle Bubba and Josh were sad too. I stayed very quiet and tried to be sweet for my mommy.

 Since you went Home, I have been having a blast! I love to roll around and eat tiny things off the floor. Sometimes, Mommy catches me and takes them away. But, most of the time, I eat away. I finally showed Mama that I could sit up. She had been trying to get me to show her for a while, but I kind of liked the way she giggled when I threw myself back....Besides, she was always there to catch me. I'm trying to learn to crawl, and I've almost got it! My favorite thing to do is play with my sisters. Neva is the "protective one". She likes to put blankets on me to keep me warm, she gives me bottles, and she changes my diaper sometimes when Mommy's not looking. Mommy won't let her hold me and walk around, but she asks all the time. I sure do love my Neva. Nori, is the "loving one". She is always kissing me and hugging me. She tells me that I am "cute" all the time. I love to pull her curly hair. I grab it and jerk as hard as I can! It's ok, Nori don't mind. She usually giggles. Nori is my best friend. My daddy works a lot, but when he's home, he holds me and kisses me over and over. He kisses my sisters too. Sometimes, they start throwing pillows at each other and laughing really loud. I don't really get it, but it makes me smile. Mommy yells when daddy throws the nice pillows....So daddy usually throws one at her, and she laughs. Yeah Gammy, I have a pretty good family.

After you left, Mommy cried a lot. There were some days that she didn't smile at all! Me and my sisters wanted to help her, but I heard her tell daddy "you can't help me. No one can", over and over again. He was worried too. Sometimes I could hear her crying in the bathroom and begging God to help her understand. I'm not sure why. There were some days that Mommy must have been very tired, because she never took off her pajamas. I would hear her crying and telling my daddy "I miss my friend". Yes, there were some bad days in the beginning. But, even on her worst day, my Mommy still hugged me and kissed me and took good care of me. Now, she has lots of good days too. She sings me songs and kisses me all over. She talks about you all the time, Gammy. When it's just me and her, she tells me how much she misses you. She says "I bet you would LOVE to play with your Gammy", and "Your Gammy used to sing this to me", or "I wish you knew your Gammy". Late at night when my sisters and I are in bed, Mommy walks and looks in on us. She stands there for a long time. She always says "Thank you, God, for my beautiful, perfect babies". I think me and my sisters are Mommy's favorite friends. She is going to be ok, Gammy, don't worry. We will take good care of her and keep her very busy.

Well, Gammy, it's almost time for my bottle, and then comes nap time. So, I guess I am going to end this letter now. I know you are doing great (even though I can't see you), because the night that you left, you went to Heaven. It's kind of fuzzy now, but I still kind of remember Heaven, and it's wonderful! I know that you are not sick and you are not hurting anymore. Your body is so healthy and perfect. I know that you are with Jesus, now. I am so happy for you! And one glorious day, when it is time, we will all be together again.

Will you do me a favor, Gammy? Tell Jesus "Thank You", for choosing this incredible family for me. I am right where I need to be.

I love you Gammy!

Love,

Baby Mili

Mama's Secret

There's something I think about all the time. I am intrigued by it. I am inspired by it. I am, quite frankly, a little dumbfounded by it. I get it, but really I don't..............but I want to.................

I always feel like I am running around like crazy......Some days, I look up and the moon has made it's way out and I haven't even took my kids outside to play, or I haven't laughed....Like really laughed, or I haven't held my girls and read to them, or I haven't kissed the love of my life, or I haven't prayed enough..... or at all. These are the days I hate. I worry there are too many of these days. Then again, I have this magical ability to worry about nothing. I mean everything AND nothing. I will prove it:

Here's the tip of the iceberg:

• I worry that I don't spend enough QUALITY time with my kids
• I worry that I spend TOO much time with my kids
• I worry that I am not contributing to our household financially
• I worry that Michael has too much on his plate
• I worry that the kids don't get enough of him
• I worry about that smell under my kitchen sink
• I worry that I am not good enough...At anything...
• I worry about my big brother and his blood pressure even though he says its fine
• I worry about my little brother and the fact that he hides his emotions
• I worry about Amber taking on too much and trying to be Superwoman
• I worry about Sharon, Punkin and Ricky and their grieving (my mama's siblings)
• I worry that I may be addicted to The Real Housewives Franchise
• I worry about Neva and her constant talking about mom
• I worry about accidentally mowing another piece of firewood with Michael's zero turn
• I worry about losing one of my kids in wal mart
• I worry about killing , harming,  reprimanding too sternly one of my kids in wal mart
• I worry about wrecking my car
• I worry about Michael wrecking his truck
• I worry about everyone wrecking their vehicles
• I worry that nice lady from the Relay for Life meeting is mad at me because I stole her pen (I didn't mean to) (but it's an awesome pen)
• I worry about my mother in law not taking care of herself
• I worry about someone visiting my house when there's no where to sit because the laundry is everywhere
• I worry after a conversation how I sounded...Dumb? Nervous? Inconsiderate? Rude?
• I worry that I might take a cruise one day, and the ship might sink
• I worry that I might fly in an airplane one day, and the plane might crash
• I worry that my worrying will make the kids worry
• I worry that I waste too much time worrying and I will regret it one day

 I spared you the more ridiculous ones, the more creepy ones and just how specific and detailed the worries can get. My faith has helped tremendously, and I know it will alleviate alot more as I grow into a more mature Christian. My mom used to stay on me about my worrying. But, she was a worrier as well. Nothing like me. But, still a worrier none the less. In fact, I always blamed her for making me this way...Of course, I took it to the next level (or the next).  In her last 6-8 months, she knew her time was growing short. I watched her change. The little problems that once would have eaten her alive, suddenly became funny. The bigger problems that she once would have found undefeatable, suddenly became vincible. She didn't get bogged down in the "he-said, she-said" like she might have just a little while earlier. She let grudges go. She avoided conflict at all costs. Gossip wasn't fun to her anymore. Though my hand had always existed, it suddenly became irresistible to her. She held it constantly. She laughed,(a good hearty laugh), every chance she got. The things once ranked high on her list (work, running errands....just running, running, running etc),  became less important and were replaced by the real important things (God, family, love, soaking up each moment etc).  The moments that used to fly by, became longer and sweeter, because they were filled with life....not what "we make into life"...but real life. Everything ssslllllooooowwweeeddd down. She walked and talked slower. She took time to notice and stood in awe of the tiny things that once would have been insignificant. She recognized and was thankful for all the magical gifts God gives us, like the colors in the sky as the sun was setting, or the smell of the salty beach that she loved so much. When the beauty of Autumn caused the trees to let go of their beloved brilliantly colored leaves, she held hands with her grand babies and taught them to catch them as they drifted down to the earth. She began to be more honest about her feelings.  She told everyone that she loved them, and it wasn't just words. She hugged everyone, and it wasn't just an action. She was so calm and content. It was amazing.

Like I said, it's something I think about all the time. I am intrigued by it. I am inspired by it. I am, quite frankly, a little dumbfounded by it. I get it, but really I don't............but I want to...................I noticed her tremendous change in the moment, but in hindsight, its mind boggling. My mama's last months here with us were beautiful. They were sickly. They were priceless. They were sad. They were perfect. As you can see, I have very mixed emotions. But the specific behavior I am talking about...The thing that invades my every thought, is how my mom prioritized everything so differently in the end. Her priorities actually appeared to have flipped upside down. Her thought process seemed to change. Her actions and reactions changed. As she faced the end of her life, her life changed. It changed for the better. Much, much better. I can't help but wonder, what did she know that I don't?