Why Can't I Post Pics?

So, can I just talk about the last few days?

I have full intentions of catching everyone up with some photos, but for whatever reason, my blog won't let me upload them. I am working on it.

Jan 1st:
The day for new beginnings and realization and enlightenment......AND the day for Neva to fall at Ronnie's house and hit her front teeth on the table. Not just a little hit. A HUGE hit. I was pretty sure her tooth was loose, but I refused to embrace that thought. That thought broke my heart. Those baby teeth are precious and I am not ready to turn aloose yet. We get home, and my face was still stained with tears from Neva's big fall, when I accidentally came across a red spot on Nori's tummy. When I lift her shirt, she is covered. At first, before the rash spread ALL over, I thought it was bites of some sort. I asked "Nori! What bit you?!?!" With a super dramatic face she informed me of the culprit: "A tiger did it". Where is this tiger that bites her like every day? When I get my hands on him.....It's not going to be good. Anyway, It looked a little like roseola. But, our pediatrician ( who made the mistake of calling me from her cell once, so I immediately saved her number and I always bombard her with off the clock questions) was my hero. Modern technology allowed me to send her a pic of the rash. She diagnosed it as "whelps" via text message, and assured me it wasn't a big deal. I cried a little more. Actually, a LOT more.

Jan 2nd:
 I took Neva to the dentist  (after I cried all night) and found out one of the front ones is definitely fractured. He said one of two things will happen: Either it will fall out, or it won't. I've been watching, crying, brushing softly, watching, cutting up food, crying, reminding to chew with back teeth, watching, crying, watching, brushing softly, reminding to stop moving it with tongue, watching...And sadly, it's starting to discolor.

Jan 4th:
I started the low carb diet and committed to start going to the gym again. I have only cheated on my diet once.... And as of right now, I have lost ONE pound. Everything in me wants to eat that entire box of ice cream sandwiches in the freezer.

Jan 5th:
Neva got a booster seat and Mili got her old forward facing car seat. I was excited until I realized that now NONE of my kids can buckle themselves. Used to, Neva could buckle herself. That doesn't sound like much, but it really helped out a lot! I was literally excited to make my life more difficult. Typical me. Anyway, on this day also, lil Miss Mili decided to start pulling up. Now she works on this skill day and night. She will pull up on a leg, a bag of garbage, her high chair, the toilet, and sometimes, just sometimes, she uses the furniture.

Jan 6th:
The kids start this "I'm never going to sleep" campaign. During this span of time (it's still going), I have worked diligently to get them to sleep at nap time and they refuse. They just lay there. They will lay there forever giggling, talking and warning each other with a "SHHH!" when they hear my footsteps. MY ONLY ALONE TIME, (late at night when my insomnia won't let me sleep),  has been infiltrated as well. On this particular night, around 11:00pm or so, I was in the recliner and Neva would come down the hall and say something random like "I really love you Mama." or "You are so beautiful".....And I would snap "thank you, love you, go to bed" (I know it sounds mean, but this is my ONLY alone time). Finally, after really thinking hard about a line that would gain her freedom  from the prison that is her bedroom, she came out with big guns blazing: "Don't get mad Mama. I'm going back to bed. I just want to tell you what you are first.....you are a beautiful angel, rainbow, flower, unicorn, ladybug, and I love you". She stood there waiting on her pardon.....I responded " I love you too sweetheart! That was so sweet!.............Now go to bed".

Jan 7th:
Tanya and Melissa had lunch with me and the girls at Mi Casitas and I DIDN'T break the diet! IT was GREAT to see them. Later on Neva told me " Mama I love you all the way to the sky, the clouds, the moon, the planets, the galaxies, to Heaven with Jesus and Gammy. I responded "WOW! that's a lot of love!"......Then Nori, trying to one-up her sister said "Mama, I love you ALL the way to wal-mart". I laughed and said "Wow! that's pretty far too!". That night, my life changed forever. Michael put in the dishwasher that his parents got us for Christmas. I cried tears of joy.

Jan 8th:
Nori asked me if she could teach Mili to eat corn on the cob. We were not having corn that night so I found the question odd. I have learned in my limited time parenting that if a question sounds weird, just say "no". So I did. That night, Michael, Me and the two older girls had a blast playing Pop The Pig and Hungry Hungry Hippos. It's fun to get on their level. Or them on ours....Not sure.

Jan 10th:
Michael's 29th birthday. I worked all day to make him a huge pot of gumbo, a pan of rice, and a homemade red velvet cake with home made cream cheese icing. The kids made him some art work that was SO precious and he got a simple movie from me. After all that hard work, I got good reviews on the cake. But I decided to myself that there has never been a cake that ugly...ever.

Jan 11th:
I took Nori to the dr for what I thought was an ear infection. She had been tugging non stop and complaining on and off for a couple weeks. It was eczema in her ear canal. It's itchy and has been making her poor little ears so uncomfortable. The drops they prescribed have been little miracle workers. Later on, I made another red velvet cake for a friend.....It was uglier than the ugliest one ever that I made the day before.

Jan 12th:
My big baby Neva got signed up for Spring soccer! I'm not sure if she even knew what it was until Michael came home with a ball and started working with her. She seems like a natural. I am SO excited about her playing a team sport. Sports have always been a big part of my life and I would love if my kids followed suit. Neva's still doing gymnastics, and she is great at it. But, it won't produce an event anytime soon so that she can show off her hard work. Nori's dance class has occasional recitals. I like the idea of soccer offering Neva the opportunity, not only to learn to work with others, exercise, and gain physical abilities, but also to show off her skills and be that center of attention that Nori is on her recital days. I know, I know...I'm totally over thinking it.
Later we had lunch at Ronnie's and the kids watched Alice in Wonderland...And Ronnie did too. The animated one.
On this night, I went to Michael's deer camp's annual fish fry. This is the one time I have broke my diet. It was SOOOO worth it. The kids ran around outside because it felt like summer time. It was drizzling a little bit, but that made it more fun. Of course, the next day is when I started seeing some cold type symptoms in Nori.

Jan 14:
Nori wakes up burning up with fever and barking a nasty sounding cough. I took her to the doctor and found out she had strep throat. When I left I went by the cemetery (like always), then I headed down Lower Myrick road to go on home. Everyday I pass by David's, (mom's old job) and I yearn to go in. That place is home to me. It was home to her. And though I have been there a lot after she got sick, and a few times since she's been gone, it is still REALLY hard to stop. Walking in those doors is like a time warp into a beautiful time in my life....But there is one very prevalent part missing.....She's not there. She's not behind the counter encouraging the girls to get "what ever they want", even though I said "no candy". She's not behind the grill, stressed out and frazzled--but still smiling and waving at us eating a delicious David's cheeseburger in the dining room. She's not standing out front by the paper machine grabbing one of her 5 second breaks (Mom never took long breaks. She was TOOOO hyper). She's not there, and it makes my time warp a confusing one. That time can't exist without her. David's can't exist without her. Then I have to remind myself that this is today. And she is gone. And David's is still here. It is so painful, I usually leave with my heart broken. The girls often ask me to stop at "Gammy's old store". But I always have an excuse to just pass by. On this day, I stopped. When I pulled in the parking lot, Neva brought about the realization that I haven't been fooling them with my excuses. As we parked she said "Mama, if you go in here you are going to get sad because Gammy is not here". She's too smart. I didn't deny it. We went in and it looked a little different, yet still the same. It was still home. I started to warp....But, I kept trying to keep my heart and mind in the moment, and not in the past. Neva definitely warped. She was two years old the last time she ran full speed though that dining room into the kitchen and dove into her Gammy's arms. But she did it again the other day.... 2 years later. I couldn't stop her. It's like instinct took over. She stopped herself when she saw a different face behind the grill. She stopped and looked at her Gammy's former coworker.. Then she said solemnly,(as if she just remembered Gammy was now in Heaven) "My Gammy USED to work here". Then, she walked calmly to the store side. I was worried about her. So I used a familiar line "y'all get whatever you want". The somberness soon exploded into excitement as the inviting candy aisles of David's Grocery taunted my kids. They taunted until the girls (just like old times) were running up and down each aisle looking for the perfect snack. I talked to everyone. I hugged most all of the staff and I hugged Ms. Sharon twice. She feels like home too. When I looked over at the meat counter filled with the best looking meat in Jones county, I couldn't help but notice that two pictures of my mom adorned the top. She is smiling and healthy and the background reveals that she is on duty at her second home. I was drawn to them. I love to see pictures of her healthy like that. The kids giggling and running came up behind me and stopped. They saw the pictures and excitedly yelled "GAMMY!" My heart skipped a beat. In that moment Ms. Sharon came walking through. Nori told her "That picture is about my Gammy". Ms. Sharon knelt down. She looked at both girls sweetly, and said "Yes, that picture is about your Gammy. Your Gammy was an important part of this store. As long as David's is here, your Gammy will be a part of it". My heart swole. Listening to her words intently, Neva inched closer and closer, then gave her a hug. I am not sure if she understood, or if she just remembers that was Gammy's friend, but she seemed to become emotional as she listened to Ms. Sharon talk. I literally had to force her off of her lap. We soon left and I'll admit, I was a little sad. But I decided I would make an effort to get in there more often. I miss that place so much. You really shouldn't stay away from home like that.

Jan 15:
My Father in Law hosted the Home Owner's Association meeting and Michael decided to join. So, I made (once again) a big pot of gumbo for all the people at the meeting. I didn't go to the meeting. They probably would not have accomplished much with my girls swinging from the light fixtures. Instead, I stayed home with my ill baby Mili (who is teething), my sick toddler, and my wild Neva. I also tried one of the frozen Atkin's dinners on this night. It was pretty good. I just needed a couple more to fill me up.

Jan16:
I started baking cupcakes for dessert at Church. I literally baked 70 cupcakes. I was so excited for everyone to get a helping of my dessert and there possibly even be enough for seconds. Then since Mili was asleep, I jumped in the shower. When I got out, I put the big kids in the tub. We were on the right track to making it to church on time. All in the next 3 minutes: Someone knocked on the door--so I panicked to get dressed and open it. It was my mother in law. Before I could run from the door back to the big girls in the tub,  I heard the baby's voice in her room. She was making a weird whining sound. She sounded hoarse so I darted in and discovered she was BURNING up with fever. I jerked her up and ran past my mother in law, back toward the tub so I could put her in and try to get her fever down. That's when I noticed that someone had pooped in the tub. An hour later, I had cleaned the poop, cleaned the kids, dropped off the cupcakes at church, ran to dollar general for infant ibuprofen and returned home to cry into my hands.

Jan 17:
It snowed! My kids were too sick and cold to be really enthused. I took Mili to the dr on this day and found out that she, too, had strep. I secretly patted myself on the back. I don't know if I actually had a hand in it, but I gave myself credit anyway...See, Mili has NEVER been to the dr for illness. She is almost a year old and she's only ever had one or two doses of pedia-care (infant tylenol). That's why I didn't have much fever reducer in the house. She's never needed it! My little nephew, Brady wasn't doing good on this day. My SIL took him to the dr a couple different times, and finally discovered he had walking pneumonia. At one point he was taking a breathing treatment every 30 minutes! We were all very worried. That night, Neva started running fever.

Jan 18th:
When I called the clinic for the third time in one week, and the fourth time in just over a week, I had to laugh as I scheduled the appointment. I LOVE Laurel Pediatrics. They are AWESOME. They actually laughed with me. Neva too, has strep. On a lighter note, Brady has started doing alot better.

When you really dissect it like that, isn't life great?  Whether my little one is fretting because she is getting her baby teeth, or my beautiful daughter is prematurely losing her first baby tooth, or Nori is laying on the floor in an attempt to get her way--I am happy. In five minutes we will all be giggling together about something goofy, or having one of Michael's famous pillow fights, or a tickle fest.....You can't, in good conscience, take all those countless wonderful moments, without embracing and being thankful for the crazy ones too. I am thankful for EACH moment I get.

11 Months

Dear Mama,

It has officially been 11 months since that cold morning in your bedroom that you made your way to Heaven as we cried over you earthly vessel. This just amazes me. I look forward to our little letters here on my blog that you were so dedicated to reading. But I thoroughly  enjoyed actually talking to you the other night. I have been craving you for a while now... Craving your voice, your thoughts, your love... Just craving you. After the incredible conversation we had in my dream, I felt a little renewed... I felt my desire for you was somewhat fulfilled. I love you so much Mama. I know it sounds weird-- but I never thought it would go this far... I think somewhere in me, I believed this was all temporary and at some point you'd come back and life as it was would resume. With every beat of my heart, I ache for you. And with every ache, it becomes more and more clear that this IS life now. I just have to learn to come to terms with your ever prevalent absence.

The kids are doing great! Mili is just plain fabulous. She is now 11 months old and 20 lbs of preciousness. The dr said she's on "the small side". I definitely agree. At almost one year, she seems so much more babyish than the other two girls did. Of course the fact that she's taking her sweet time on meeting all of her milestones adds to this. She started pulling up and taking a few steps (holding on the the furniture) just this month. I am totally fine with taking it slow. Slow and steady wins the race. She is officially off of formula and hasn't used a bottle in a couple months. She uses a sippy cup. And she is SO smart! She says "Eat Eat", and "please", and "thank you"....Of course she says all the basics too: "Mama", "Dada", "Buh Buh", "Nay Nay", and she has looked toward Neva a couple times and said "Ne Ne", but I am not sure if it is just a coincidence. You'll be proud...I taught her a not-so-nice word. You can ask "What's in your diaper?" and she will smile sweetly and say "doo doo". The other girls might have done some of the other, unimportant stuff earlier, like crawling and walking, but with the "doo doo" thing, I think she totally one-upped her sisters. She is the sweetest thing in the world. When Nori walks up, she reaches for a hug and just latches on. They have a very loving relationship. When Neva walks up, she gets a mischievous and excited look. Like: "Yeah! what are we going to tear up?". She loves her Daddy, and she is pretty infatuated with her NayNay. But, she is MY baby. This is the first one to really, really get super attached to me and only me. AND...I....LOVE....IT...

Nori is the funniest, wittiest, most beautiful kid I have ever seen. She just cracks me up on a daily basis. Her vocabulary is just HUGE! Her sense of humor is something I feel she definitely got from you and her Uncle Bubba. She's a little Bi-polar, though. It's highs or lows with her. Either she is kissing me, telling me she loves me and making pretty eyes at me, or she is on the floor having a "moment". (My definition of "moment" is the step between tantrums and normalcy). She has come out of her shell SO much, you would just not believe it! You would love it. Though you and Neva were always closer, I feel Nori is more like you. She reminds me of you all the time. She is just excelling in her dance class. She had her first recital, and she did FANTASTIC. I felt you there. I found myself a bit sad on this day. Not sad sad. Happy sad. See, it dawned on me as I looked at my beautiful daughter with just a hint of make up on and the cutest little outfit ever, that time is flying. Because just yesterday, she was the cutest little newborn laying on my chest. And on this day, I faced facts that she is growing up fast. Too fast. It also occurred to me, that you would have jumped through hoops to have been sitting on that front row watching, laughing and waving. It's the first of many event's like that, and I can't help but feel sad that you weren't there to wipe my tears of joy. You would have loved it. You would love her....Her little personality is so electric. Shes smart and dramatic and just totally in charge. This can be challenging at times, but I love it and wouldn't have it any other way.

Neva is my beautiful, adventurous, curious, and analytical little angel. She is the most intelligent child I have ever encountered. A lot of times, just like when you were here and she was younger, people don't see that side of her. But she blows my mind EVERY day. She asks the most thought invoking questions and expects worthy answers. She is so observant and just soaks things up like a sponge. I believe she will never fully quench her thirst for knowledge. She can write her entire alphabet and loves memorizing how to spell words and writing them on her own. She's really into the song "Bingo" and the other day she came out of her room with it written on a sheet of paper. Under it was a drawing of a dog that was detailed far out of the range of the average four year old. Another day she came up to me and Michael and showed us a picture that she drew of Spongebob and Mr. Krabs. AS if the drawings were not spectacular enough, off to the side I saw "nick"...When I asked what that word was, she said "it's Nick. Spongebob comes on Nick" (as in Nickelodeon). She has memorized the spelling! I thought two things in that moment; 1.) I need to cut down on tv time. and 2.) MY BABY IS BRILLIANT! (of course, I could be a lil bit biased). She isn't just smart, she is super creative, as well. We go through a pack of contruction paper per week around here. She likes to make "books" and read them to me. On New Year's day she fell and hit her front teeth. So, the next day I took her to the dentist and he said that one was fractured. There was hope that it would mend itself and tighten back up. But, in the last few days it has began to discolor, so I think she is going to lose it. This made me so, so sad, Mama. I was just beside myself. I'm still not ready to laugh about it yet. Neva is tough though. She handled it better than me. I'm hoping that toughness comes in handy this Spring, when she starts playing soccer. Where Nori reminds me of you, Neva reminds me of me. She is a deep thinker. She worries about things that she shouldn't and she gets "in her head" too much like I do. She is very loving. She has started sassing me a bit, because she really wants autonomy and independence. When she gets in big trouble, which isn't often, it's because of her back talking and complete desire to do her own thing. She's actually my right hand gal. I remember you used to call me "your right arm". I get it now. She is my little helper. She still talks about you, and she surprises me with her memories. They are still pretty vivid. But you can tell that life without you has now become her norm. I find this bittersweet. Sometimes she catches me crying here or there, and though I try to play it off, she knows. I can see it. She usually hugs me and moves my hair out of my face. She'll say something like "You're thinking about your mom aren't you?" or " You really miss my Gammy. It's ok".  Then, she disappears and reappears with a custom "cheer you up" piece of artwork. Her heart is phenomenal. I am in awe and in love with her depth.

When I miss you the most, is when it pertains to them. When something funny happens or is said I want to call and laugh with you. When someone gets hurt or sick I want to call and hear your wise and soothing words. When I am just stressed out like crazy, I want you to calm me down with one of your tender hugs and crack me up with your crazy sense of humor.. In those moments I miss you physically, because you were my help. You were my "first-mate" in Wal-Mart that helped me keep them in the buggy. You were my babysitter so I could do a deep clean on the house, or run to town hassle free. You were the one that MADE me leave them with you and go take an occasional moment to myself. But even more than that, I miss you emotionally. You were my support system. My "Nikki, you're doing a great job", reinforcer. You were my back patter and my motivator. You always made things better some how. I miss that so much. My mother in law is a great help. And the girls adore her. But just like your cooking, there just ain't nothing like your love, help and support. Yesterday the oldest girls were in the bathtub. Neva kept telling me she had to go to the bathroom, and I kept telling her to hold it until bath time was over. I mean, she has been potty trained since two years old--I wasn't really worried about it. Then, Mili started crying, and I could hear that she was hoarse. See, Nori has strep throat, so this hoarseness alarmed me. In eleven months, Mili has managed to never get sick. Not like dr-visit sick, anyway. So I wondered as my ears led me to her hoarse cry, if this would be her first time. When I went in there to pick her up out of her crib, I realized my fears were correct. She was BURNING UP with fever. I immediately headed for the bathtub to try and get her temp down quickly. You know I can handle a lot of things, busted teeth, allergic reactions, bleeding bobos...But I can't handle fever. It FREAKS me out. I sprinted to the bath tub, just before I put her in, I noticed the dark "particles" floating around. I didn't even have to ask. I knew. I knew and it was MY fault. Her tummy wasn't in the best shape, and she was trying to tell me. I could practically hear you laughing at me. I finally got everything and everyone cleaned up and after Ms. Becky came over to sit with them to let me run to the store for ibuprofen--the baby's fever FINALLY came down. That night, after everyone was asleep, I cried. I cried and cried and cried. I couldn't help but wonder what life would be like now, with you here with me. It is hard to picture most of the time. But I could see me freaking out sitting in front of the tub, pouring water on Mili and praying the fever would break. Then I turn around and see you standing behind me with loving and sympathetic eyes. The girls let you in and they continued to watch cartoons, because your visits are so regular, it's the norm. You have two little goody bags for the older kids, a can of chicken noodle for Mili, and a diet coke and a hug for me. I could see you letting me cry on your shoulder, and you understanding that I was just completely on edge and worried, and in actuality I'm not slap stone crazy...Yet, anyway. You'd get it. I can see it, but then again, I can't, ya know?

Yes, things are hectic and chaotic and loud and super dramatic, but I am so happy, Mama. I am so happy. I live in a trailer that is too small for this growing family, I'm still carrying 20lbs of baby weight, my hair is mom-tastic, you have to hop, skip and jump to keep from tripping over toys and laundry.....But all things considered, life is perfect for me---except for one thing. One missing person...One very important, irreplaceable missing person. You.

I know that you are just spectacular. I feel this. --That is the only reason I don't ask. I know you are more beautiful than ever and absolutely perfect. I also know that you have already seen most of what I just told you. It just feels nice to tell you things like the old days.  I hope so badly that you are proud of me as a wife and mother...and also as a Christian.... You have always been my life and a driving force for me. That has not changed now. Your guidance and advice through the years is in my head and your strength and will is forever in my heart and it drives me and encourages me each day and with each decision I make.

I may never fully adjust to life without you, Mama.....Your absence may never become real to me.... I may forever be subconsciously waiting for the day you return and life resumes normalcy. But while I wait, I will try my best to make you proud. I will live my life and soak up my moments--even the crazy, chaotic, stressful ones where someone poops in the bath tub.........Stop laughing, Mom.

I love you SO much lil lady.

Bushel and a peck,

Hug around the neck...

All of my heart....


Love,

Nikki