Two Years

Dear Mama,




I truly don't know where to begin. You have seemingly missed so much, it's officially too hard to cover it all. I know you didn't actually miss it. But you weren't here. We didn't talk about it. So it feels sometimes, (most of the time) like you are missing it. I guess the biggest development is Baby Maxx, the cutest, sweetest lil thing, ever. She is just precious, Mama. Her skin is so white and her eyes are ocean blue. She smiles her incredible smile all the time and it melts me. She has been sleeping straight through the night since she was a month old! IF she wakes up, it's only once and she goes right on back to sleep. She's been holding her head up since birth and is working on rolling over now, and she wants to sit up so bad she can't stand it! She is smart and beautiful and I can already tell she is silly and funny like the others. She is my little angel.


Mili...Oh, Mili. She is KILLING ME! Actually, I can feel you laughing sometimes at the things I am having to put up with. She takes terrible twos to a whole new level. TANTRUMS! I am truly surprised she has any brain cells left after banging her head on EVERYTHING when she gets mad.... It's weird, because with her, it's all or nothing. Either she is 100% pure sweetness, or a bonafide terror! She's so pretty with her big curly hair and dark eyes. She's very smart. I was trying to get her to count to 5 or 6 on cue the other day and she went to 12! And the way she talks is a cross between really intelligent and unintelligible. She uses big words like "delicious" and "frustrated" but they are so wrapped up in her own foreign language that it's hard to really recognize them. She still sucks her thumb all the time, and you can see it in her sweet crooked smile. She is my heart.


Nori is STUNNING. I mean, I don't know where she gets it. It's just amazing. Her eyes are the most crystal blue and are framed with thick black lashes. Her hair is long, dark and beautifully curly. Just recently, since Maxx was born, she has become somewhat of a caretaker. She has really stepped into her"big sister" role. She gets diapers for me, puts the pacifier in Maxx's mouth or bounces her in her seat if I am cooking or somehow tied up. She is sweet with Mili too. She helps her do everything. And even if Mili hits her, Nori will never hit back. She's sassy but still very shy, and a bit of an introvert. She's unique and a free thinker. But she's funny with the one liners and very quick witted. She insists on styling herself and it's usually pretty quirky choices like a bicycle helmet to town or a long hangy toboggan with her church dress. She doesn't worry too much about what I or anyone else thinks.....and I love it. She is my sweetheart.


And my beautiful little Neva. She has the lightest hair of them all. It is a golden color and compliments her dark blue eyes. She is doing wonderful in school! Her grades are great! And despite being one of the youngest in her class, she is really excelling in every way. She is a total mother hen to the other girls and while this is a huge help to me sometimes, I hate to see her worrying. It reminds me too much of me. She, like Nori will do all sorts of things to help her sisters. But I see on her face that it is out of some sense of duty, like it's her job. She will tell me that I need to burp the baby if I sit her down after a feeding. She will remind me that Maxx will get a tummy ache if I don't. Today, she told me that I shouldn't lay her down flat after she eats, because it might make her sick. She, instead, instructed me to prop her up, or put her in the bouncy. She also gets mad at me when I discipline her sisters. Its written all over her face that these things are eating away at her. So I often remind her to relax and watch tv, or draw a picture or go play and I'll take care of it. It's sweet and admirable and honestly just precious. But it's not a burden I want her to carry at 5 years old. I just know if she starts her worrying and trying to fix everyone now, it is a habit she will form and battle the rest of her life (like me). She lost her first tooth and got her second haircut, ever. She begged for a haircut for the better part of a year. And finally, about a month ago, we agreed. She pointed to where she wanted it, and that's how short it was cut. It's SO cute! We donated 14 inches to locks of love. She is so artistic and now that she can draw AND write, there are little illustrated stories all over the house with the cutest misspelled words. She is hyper and crazy like always and I have to constantly reel her back in. But when she speaks, it is so articulate and with wisdom far beyond her years. She sees things that she shouldn't see. Like, facial expressions and she notices tones in voices. She knows when her dad is tired or when I am down in the dumps without us saying a word. And she tries to make us feel better. She is so incredibly sweet. She is my baby.


I am good. I am having a tough time getting the baby weight off and I have to admit, my self esteem is at an all time low. But I'm on weight watchers and working out and very hopeful to see some results. I'm writing a little bit again and that feels amazing. We are just getting back to church since the baby has been born and I am SO glad. My heart needed it. Michael is still a workaholic. He's gone most of the time and I am alone with the kids. There are days where I am just pulling my hair out and dying for a break and I'll admit it, I get a little resentful. But I know he is working for the greater good of this family. I often remind myself, if he could be here, he would. I still love him with the fire of a 1000 suns, and I don't think he's ready to trade me in yet either. We are doing good amidst all this craziness that we call "life".
I don't see Josh, Amber and the boys as much as I'd like, as, sadly, our Saturday dinners have slowly fizzled out. It's just life, I guess. But we communicate and I keep up with them over the phone and through text. All seems to be well with the Cochran's. I see Ronnie every Saturday and usually talk to him a couple times during the week. He is doing really good. He is enjoying work and keeping busy.



 I talk to the kids about you all the time. I think Neva has a few memories but I am pretty sure Nori only recalls stories she has heard me tell. But I will never let them forget you. Ever. Today, in remembrance of your last day here with us, and your first day in Heaven, we released balloons into the air. Each girl made you some artwork and we tied them to the balloon strings. We hoped the art would make it to you in Heaven. I could just see you getting your gifts and smiling your big beautiful smile as you read what they wrote for you. I miss you, mom. I'm living and moving on with life. But it's just unreal how much I miss you. I thank you for sending me the signs to let me know you're there and watching over us. When the weather was warm, I saw your beauty in the colorful fluttering wings of a butterfly as it seemed to land on each girl's shoulder then linger around me longer than just any butterfly ever would..... I smelled you and felt you in the fragrant autumn wind and as the leaves drifted slowly to the ground with such grace and beauty, and I knew without a doubt you had a hand in it. I saw you in the cold, crisp white flakes of snow as they made their way down like diamonds raining from the sky and painted our surroundings with a white so pure, it had to be from Heaven itself. Last week, I saw you in the bright rays of sunshine peeking from behind dreary gray clouds and shining down like a spotlight in the distance, proving to me that light can always overcome the darkness... Several times I have watched you shoot a star across the sky with such majesty and so moving that my heart skipped a beat. I know you are there. Watching. Waiting. And smiling.


I miss you soooo much it hurts. But I know one day soon, there will be no more pain. No more sadness. And no more fears. We will be together again.


In the mean time, keep looking down. And I'll keep looking up.






I love you Mama. Bushel and a peck, hug around the neck. And ALL of my heart.




Love,




Nikki