I think Michael has it right. He said every time there's something big or another first, I have a "setback" and get down in the dumps really bad. I have to agree. I had a good length of time there where I was doing GREAT. I went around to those closest to me bragging about it. Well, here I am....In the dumps again. I've been thinking about you alot and it makes it hard to not cry and....well, I guess feel sorry for myself....I do my absolute best to put a smile on and be a fun Mama, for the girls. I think you'd say I was doing a great job....Me? I'm constantly doubting myself like always. We are rapidly approaching 6 months since the day you left. This is unbelievably hard for me to comprehend. In addition to that, Neva's fourth birthday is around the corner and it's just dawning on me that this will be the first party that you won't be at. You can't help me set up. You can't go overboard with her gift. It is just so surreal to picture my child's birthday--without you. So, I decided to just invite family and we are going to the movies. You know she loves going to watch movies--and theres the added benefit of me being distracted the entire time. I don't want to be emotional at my baby's party.
Let's see....more tough stuff happening....
Well, Ronnie's football games are about to start. I remember leaving work at The Children's Academy and meeting you at Laurel to watch him coach. This is something you and I have shared since he first started teaching. I am very saddened at the thought of you not sitting there with me this season, cup of concession stand coffee in hand, shivering complaining about it being too cold, and cheering for your oldest son's team to "GO! GO! GO!" and "GET HIM!", then taking the girls to the concession stand and buying them one of everything. I'm very heart broken....But I will be there. Rooting them on, and thinking of you.
Also, big things have been happening for the Cochran's. Amber graduated! I remember when they first announced that they were expecting, you were so scared that Amber would be unable to finish school. You knew her potential and thought it might be wasted. Then when she started taking night classes and working toward her degree, you helped by babysitting whenever she needed you to and you got frustrated with her when she skipped class. You wanted so badly for her to attain her dreams. Well, she did it! We threw her a little surprise congrats party at Sunday lunch the other day and attended her graduation the following Saturday. While graduation isn't a sad thing, I found myself fighting off an ache in my heart. I felt you there. I know you watched her walk across that stage and you cheered with pride for you daughter in law that worked so hard to better the lives of your beloved grand boys. We all cheered too. It was a great day.
I don't know, Mama
They also got a new car! They traded in your old black car. I was so happy for them, but once again, I found a way to be sad. I just kept thinking about the day you got that car. You had been using my car for a couple years, because you couldn't really afford anything after the transmission went out in yours. Then, a customer at Davids told you to come by the car lot, because they might have something you could afford the payments on. You WERE SO NERVOUS to take on a note! But you went, and got your lil Saturn and it was a good car for a long time. It knew the route to Davids without you even steering. The first several times I saw that car after you left, my heart skipped a beat. It even tricked Neva one day.....Amber was meeting us for lunch and Neva called out "GAMMY'S HERE!!".....It is sad that it is gone, but I'm glad Josh and Amber have a nice, new car now.
I found this picture on your camera. I tried to envision you on this morning. I know your child like enthusiasm when it snowed--so I can imagine you ran into the parking lot snapping away with your camera, wishing you were at home playing with the grandkids.
Quite an upgrade, huh?
I got some new stuff to hang on my freshly painted, mold-free walls. This was YOUR thing. You loved going to Kirkland's and dreaming about redecorating your house. So when I went shopping I thought of you. I was so anxious for Michael to hang everything.....But when he did, I wasn't as excited as I thought I'd be. In fact, I cried. I just kept wanting you to walk through my door and make a big deal like you always did for me. You just used to brag on my every move. I guess hanging all this stuff kind of made me miss that praise like an attention starved child.
BEFORE
The deer head didn't come from Kirklands....It came from "The Deer Camp". That's a store that Michael shops at regularly.
So there's some of the stuff making me sad...Here's the good stuff:
Neva's doing a bit better. She still talks about you often, (so does Nori) but, Michael and I are working together to help her get her emotions under control. She is learning to write the letters of her name and is doing a FANTASTIC job. She likes to write you letters and fold them up precisely and secure them with a hair bow. She is very creative. I'm just so proud of her I can't hardly stand it.
Her N's are getting better and better. She just practices all day long. It's so sweet.
She makes these little "packages" all the time. Some for me, some for her daddy, and tons for you.
This is like her 4th or 5th black eye. This one was due to a head-on collision with her cousin Brady. She's beautiful even with a shiner.
Nori is FINALLY coming out of her terrible two's stage. The melt downs and tantrums and pointless fits and emotions running wild are slowing down to ALMOST a complete halt. Thank Goodness! She still has trouble distinguishing some of her colors, but she is so dedicated to learning--I know it won't be long. She knows her shapes, her alphabet, and she can "read" alot of the images in this book of environmental print that I made her. She tries to use big words like "actually", and "hilarious", and "ridiculous" and when bigger words are teamed with her sweet little face and cute little lisp, I just can't take it. I want to eat her up.
Remember when I made one of these for Neva? You thought it was so cool that she could "read" all the symbols and pictures that she saw in Walmart, driving down the road, or right in her own fridge. Well, Nori LOVES reading! So I couldn't wait to make her one. She thinks she is a big girl when she reads all by herself.
My little cutie pie.
They are both riding so good now. They love to ride, but hate getting hot.
Mili is my little angel. She loves to eat, take bottles, take naps and roll all around the house. She giggles non stop and thinks her sisters are hilarious. She holds her bottle, sleeps in her bed all night long and loves table food. She can't sit up yet, though both the older girls were sitting up by 6 months. (Nori was actually crawling, remember?) But no two are the same...I know.....I tell you what she CAN do, she can eat her foot on command. I can say "eat your foot!" and she puts it straight into her mouth and smiles. Talented? I think so. She is the best baby ever and she brightens my world with her big crooked smile.
how about this pose?
Her tongue comes out almost every time she smiles. She's so precious.
She is saying MaMaMaMaMa, which I think means "mama", and she's saying DaDaDaDaDa, which I think means "mama", too.
Michael is a workaholic, you know that. If he's not working at the donut shop, he's busy on the farm. I'm lucky if he walks in the door before dark. I'm not going to lie and tell you that it's easy, because it's not. BUT, Michael is my emotional safety net. He has to put up with alot of crying and breakdowns in the minimal time that he is at home, and he handles it all so wonderfully. He is my best friend (aside from you, of course) and the absolute love of my life. I'm so blessed to have him and the beautiful family we created to ease the pain of my broken heart.
Brother Robby mentioned a "prayer walk"....Never heard of it. After he explained it, Amber and I took the kids to the elementary school and we prayed for a safe, healthy, and successful school year. The kids prayed too!
The best thing happening in my world is the strengthening of my faith. Each day, I feel closer to God--which makes me feel closer to you. I pray, constantly and I love every second of it. I still slip. I have moments when the darkness creeps in, but I don't let it linger. I chase it out as fast as I can. Perhaps these "down in the dumps" times will get farther apart as time goes on and my faith grows even stronger. This is my hope.
Well, I just wanted to talk to you and tell you what all has been happening. Talking to you always makes me feel better. I can't wait until I can hear your voice again.
I love you mama. All my heart.
Love,
Nikki
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