Acceptance?

Dear Mama,

Before this week, I struggled with coming to terms with your not being here and my inability to talk to you every day. But as we now approach 5 months, I find your absence becoming the norm. This, is absolutely unacceptable. I don't want this to become the norm. I don't really know what the alternative is....But just accepting this, some how feels like I am giving up on you or something. I don't know how to explain it, I just know that as much as I would love to find peace, I am not ready to accept your absence. I just can't.

Things are going pretty good. Ronnie took a little trip with a buddy to watch a couple White Sox games and relax a little. I was so proud of him for this. He, quite possibly, has taken the loss of you the hardest. So, I was glad that he got out to do something fun. Since he returned, he's been busy with work. Then, this past weekend, Josh and Amber took the boys to the coast for a day. It was a little mini vacation for them and the boys. From what I heard, they had a GREAT time! I've stayed pretty close to home. I go to the gym, the grocery store, the donut shop, and to church. That is it. Ive lost a few pounds....Not near about enough, but I'm proud of my little bit of progress. I've spoken to your sisters a couple times recently, and Uncle Ricky through text. Seems like everyone is doing ok.

 Punkin said that day that ya'll met to handle some of Papaw's headstone business, that you pointed out a headstone. I hope you don't mind, but we went with something different. We wanted something very elaborate and...well, just plain deserving of marking your final resting place. You'd probably kill us for spending so much, but this is the last material gift that we could give you. We really wanted to go all out. You would have been proud of your boys....They had very specific ideas of what they wanted for you, as did I. We collaborated and compromised and carefully made our decision as a team, and we are VERY excited for you to see. You gave us so much, Mama. We want to do the same for you. I think you're going to love it. Oh, and the boys let me put a poem that I wrote for you on the back. It's a little lengthy, and since we are charged by the letter, Ronnie jokingly asked me to shorten it. Of course I didn't. As soon as it's ready, I will post a picture for you.

I worry about my girls, Mama. Both of the older ones have experienced so much loss at such an early age. They had to come to terms with losing their Papaw the Great, whom they saw every week of their lives. Then, before that could become  a reality for them, they lost you. As you know, this was a significant loss. They have seen you EVERY DAY of their lives, give or take a few sick days. Losing you was huge. It still is huge. Everywhere we go, they talk about you. The other day at a cookout, a random person there said "shoo fly". Nori looked confused. Then she remembered. She shouted "My Gammy used to sing that ALL the time!!!". I was so proud of her. 5 months to a 2 year old is an eternity. I was excited that she had a memory of you unprompted by me. She does that randomly. She mentions you at the strangest times. Neva, on the other hand, talks about you constantly. I worried for a while after you left that she might be a little depressed. Her whole demeanor changed after you left.  Just today she was running into the house from outside. I heard her say something about a star and a heart. But my main concern was her being in the house alone. The rest of us were outside. So, I stuck my head in "Neva, come back outside" I called from the door. She yelled back "I've GOT to make her a picture! I've got to!" her voice was cracking and she seemed angry. I walked in. She had pulled out of her crayon basket the perfect 2 colors for her masterpiece, then through teary yet mad eyes, asked me for a purple piece of paper. I was confused. But I got her the paper.I knelt down to hand it to her. "Are you ok, baby?" I asked. But she was on a mission. She was very quiet. I asked her to do her artwork on the porch so that I could watch her and her sisters at the same time. She quietly agreed. As she sat down I asked, "who is this for?" ( I was pretty sure I already knew, but I needed to hear her say it). "It's for my Gammy. She has bobo's. I want to make her a picture to make her feel better." My heart was broken for her. Mama, she worked on that picture for 30 min. Which is a lifetime for a little 3 year old. When she finished, she brought it to me. She described the "heart" and "stars" that she drew for you and your bobo's. I made a really big deal about it. I hugged her tight, but I could tell it wasn't me that she wanted to hug. You and Neva were so very close, theres no way this wasn't going to be hard on her.



I called Daddy on the 4th of July to come join us, since Ronnie cooked enough for everyone on the block. At first he said no. He and Kim were "going riding". But then he showed up. I had spoken to him a few nights earlier and told him I would really like to see him more. He reminded me that everyone's schedules were very busy, but agreed that the thought was a nice one. Josh has done a really great job staying close to daddy since you left. I know there isn't enough effort put forth for a meaningful relationship to form between me and him. Not enough effort on either part. But that's another letter, another time. Anyway, I was glad he came, because the kids truly adore him, especially Neva. And since they have been so "fragile" lately, I invite anyone to shower them with attention and make them giggle like the care free kids they should be. Unfortunately, the road was calling him. Because about 5 minutes after they arrived, they left. When he stood up to leave, Neva called out "NO, Don't leave!" ( She always wants to play with him). But they had to go. After they left, my heart ached for Neva. She just reminds me so much of me with her worrying and over thinking. I knew by the look on her face that her little feelings were hurt. When we left, she even asked to go to his house, but I reminded her that he wasn't home. I tried not to get angry, but I am all too familiar with this feeling, and I did NOT want her feeling it. She has the potential to be a "Pop's baby", if only she knew him better.....


Other than missing you, the girls are doing really well. Mili is sleeping straight through the night, and has been for over a month now! She is the best baby EVER! She's so sweet. Well, there is this one lil thing...She has a temper that is out of this world! When she gets sleepy, and for whatever reason she can't get in her swing or in her crib, SHE FLIPS OUT. She kicks her legs like crazy, she turns bright red, and she screams loud enough to blow the windows out. She won't let me rock her. Shes not really into snuggling. She wants quiet, alone time to fall asleep. Which is good, considering the other two are already a handful. But it's tough when she gets sleepy at a restaurant or something, I mean I guess I need to carry her pack n play around with me like a diaper bag.

Anyway, there is alot more I'd like to tell you about the kids, but this letter is getting longer and longer, and I know how you feel about sitting still for too long.

I know that I need to embrace this acceptance of your loss, if that's what this is ( I'm still struggling to understand and label my feelings). It feels, like I said, that life without you is now the norm. If it was just me, I may never let myself heal....I may hang on to this torment forever, for whatever reason....But with the girls watching my every move, I KNOW that I need to model a healthy healing process. Because, sadly, more loss is to come. It is inevitable. Just like you handled the loss of your parents with me, Ronnie and Josh in mind, it is now my turn to do the same for my children. I have to heal, so that my children can heal. Afterall, it may feel that way now, but I know that my healing isn't really giving up on you. It's honoring you and your parental beliefs. I think you would be proud.

Thank you for teaching me to be a good Mama.

I love you with ALL my heart.

Love,

Nikki