Dear Mama,
Remember Kayla from Jones County Medical Supplies? She was the super sweet girl that always bent over backwards for us.....Anyway, she bought me a book and wrote me a beautiful card. I was moved by the gesture itself, but little did I know that this book would literally change my life. I'm only halfway through it, but I'm in love with it already. It is simply titled "Heaven", and it's written by Randy Alcorn. Now admittedly, I am gullible. I watched the mermaid special on Animal Planet the other night, and was convinced that they really exist. I've been waiting on aliens to attack for a while (because there were "eye witnesses" on the Discovery Channel). I'm pretty sure that they found Big Foot the other night on Nat Geo, (I fell asleep before the end). Just recently I thought the government might be covering up some kind of "zombie virus"( I mean ALL the stations covered that one), and until recently, I was banking that December of 2012 was when the world would end (because the Mayans on the History Channel said so). I hate to say this about myself, but I am easily swayed when it comes to subjects I am not familiar with. If I hear one convincing argument, I am sold. Then if I hear another, I am confused. But this book isn't merely filled with theories and cartoon illustrations. No, in fact, everything he suggests about Heaven is right there in Scripture.
It is no coincidence that Kayla read my blog, felt that she needed to pray for me and give me this book. I needed this book. I am ashamed to admit to you, (or anyone for that matter) that I have been afraid of Heaven practically my whole life. I've never really admitted this until today. I know, I know. It's ridiculous. But, Mama, the way I understood it, was when I died and went to Heaven I lost everything that I love. I lose my body (I don't know that I love my body after 3 kids, but I still don't want to lose it), I lose my relationships and everyone I hold dear, I lose the only home I've ever known. I lose myself and everything becomes foreign. I will be a white fog and my days will be spent floating around in a bright white area. I know you are looking around right now at beauty that my simple mind can't begin to comprehend and you are laughing to yourself at my ignorance. But you know me, and you know this "fear of Heaven" that I once had, did not come from a bad place. It came from an uneducated place. I felt guilty not being more excited about "Heaven", because I knew it was WAY better than the alternative. But I have always found great confusion in reading the Bible (I still do), and I had no way of knowing any better.....until now. It was not until I started attending Journey Church, and Br. Robby broke down and explained the words of the Bible in terms that I could understand and more recently, upon receiving this book and reading it's detailed translations of Bible verses, that I have come to understand what the Bible says about Heaven a little bit better. I don't know that any of us can truly know what is in store for us. What we do know varies, depending on each individual interpretation of what the Bible says. But what everyone seems to agree on, is it's going to be incredible and all of our time here--should be spent working toward an eternity there.
I have often found myself "worried" about you. You are in this unknown realm. You were here, then you were gone and I can't see you, I can't talk to you.....How am I to know you are okay? I have so often wanted to call you and ask "so what's Heaven all about?" "are you alright?" But just like you, I must wait until I am called. and until then, my imagination can run wild. THIS TIME, (after reading this wonderful book) I picture lush gardens and beautiful blue waterfalls. My mind's eye see's trees with the most vibrant tasting fruits I could ever imagine. People work for the sheer pleasure of working. I see people, who were linked on Earth, and are STILL linked in Heaven sitting and listening to beautiful music while they bask in an an environment untainted by sin. I KNOW you are MORE than okay. And when I make it there we will be together. You and me? I see us talking and hugging and laughing at the girls. Your body is perfect and cancer isn't heard of. There is no death. This will be the condition of our existence for eternity.
Upon the opening of my eyes to Heaven and what it truly stands for, I have come to look forward to my arrival there. I mean, I will enjoy my time here on Earth. I will glorify Him and make the most of my remaining moments. But, I no longer fear leaving this world. I no longer worry about you. I miss you, but the hurt isn't quite as bad now. I'm not worried about what is said on the tv, or what psychics or the Mayans said.....It's all irrelavent. I KNOW that you and I will be reunited sooner or later and this period of pain will seem like a mere blink in time when we are together for eternity. I cannot be swayed on this. I feel this. I know it to be true. I know it because He said so.
"On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand".
I thank God for telling Kayla to help me. I thank Kayla for listening.
It is a beautiful feeling to know that what is to come is far, far greater than what is now. I can't wait to see you, Mama.
Love,
Nikki
Me and my mom, my best friend.
Monday, July 30, 2012
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Hidden Treasure
Dear Mama,
It's been a day. First of all, Nori is running fever. She has been for a couple days. She's whiny and you can tell she doesn't feel good, but she really has no other symptoms. This means, to protect the other children I will have to miss church tomorrow (which I REALLY need right now). Secondly, while prepping our walls to repaint yesterday, Michael and I discovered mold growing inside our walls. We got in touch with a professional, who told us how to check the entirety of the trailer and eliminate this problem. Apparently, breathing in this mold can be VERY detrimental to our's and the kid's health. We think we have located it all, and tomorrow we will be ripping out sheet rock and insulation and replacing it. Lastly, I am missing you really, really bad today. Really bad. I have felt sick to my stomach through most of the day and have that all to familiar knot in my stomach, each time I think of you.
I guess I basically wanted to tell you that I love you. I love you AND I miss you. I wish so badly that I could hear you say it back to me. I need to hear it. I need to hear it from you.
Also, after Amber and Josh bought you that digital camera and you upgraded from disposables, you took tons of pictures. BUT, you never printed any. Well, I looked through your memory card tonight. Yes, that's right. All 900+ pictures. I thought you might want to see a few of them.....
These are in no particular order.....
It's been a day. First of all, Nori is running fever. She has been for a couple days. She's whiny and you can tell she doesn't feel good, but she really has no other symptoms. This means, to protect the other children I will have to miss church tomorrow (which I REALLY need right now). Secondly, while prepping our walls to repaint yesterday, Michael and I discovered mold growing inside our walls. We got in touch with a professional, who told us how to check the entirety of the trailer and eliminate this problem. Apparently, breathing in this mold can be VERY detrimental to our's and the kid's health. We think we have located it all, and tomorrow we will be ripping out sheet rock and insulation and replacing it. Lastly, I am missing you really, really bad today. Really bad. I have felt sick to my stomach through most of the day and have that all to familiar knot in my stomach, each time I think of you.
I guess I basically wanted to tell you that I love you. I love you AND I miss you. I wish so badly that I could hear you say it back to me. I need to hear it. I need to hear it from you.
Also, after Amber and Josh bought you that digital camera and you upgraded from disposables, you took tons of pictures. BUT, you never printed any. Well, I looked through your memory card tonight. Yes, that's right. All 900+ pictures. I thought you might want to see a few of them.....
These are in no particular order.....
Here's you giving your lil man his Easter present...
My baby Nori
Noah, Neva, Cutter
Noah and Neva hanging out at Gammy's
My beautiful first born...
Best friends
Papaw the Great and his yummy ice cream...I miss those days. I miss him.
Neva's first Christmas
Ronnie's 29th Bday
You're so pretty
Nevie seems to be right at home
Posing in Papaws yard, one bright beautiful day
I think the way she looks at you sums it all up
She misses you so badly....
Nori does too....You were a fixture in her life as well. I tried to picure yall on this day. The pack n play is out, so they obviously stayed with you. Where was I? Neva's face is dirty---what all had she eaten?Why are they BOTH laying in that lil bed? How did you get them both to smile at the same time? They look so happy.....I bet you were smiling behind the camera too.
Nori and Brady
Oh Mama, I miss y'all so much.
She looks like a baby here, compared to now.
My beautiful second born...
The Cochran's
Before I chopped my hair
I remember this day....You were cracking up when Nori went after this ginormous bottle!
Gammy's Girls
Happy Birthday Papaw
Looks like she is ripping your hair out. I'm sure you didn't mind...
Lil Man....
Lil Man #2
Christmas is the BEST at your house
I remember this too. You orchestrated it. You told us to run jump on Ronnie's bed and make him mad....You came, camera in hand ready for a show!
Wow. Overboard as usual.
I'm speechless. As I looked through these photos, it really dawned on me why Neva is struggling with your loss. I already knew, but seeing it in color made it very, very clear. You were her hero. Her favorite. She saw you everyday, and thought you were IT. She actually preferred you over me ( and you LOVED it). When she lost you, she lost part of herself. Just like I feel that I did. Only time can help us now.
I couldn't help but notice that you stopped taking pictures just before you were diagnosed. It's like time stopped or something. It kind of still feels that way sometimes.
A day like today a year ago---I would have called you and vented and probably cried. Then I would have felt better. You always made it better. You had so many wonderful pictures in your lil camera. It was a joy to look through all of them. They made me feel better, but a little bit sadder too. Those were happy times that I wish had not passed so quickly.
Thank you for this hidden treasure you gave me tonight. I may be missing you more than ever, but ending my bad day with the vision of your beautiful smiling face, is JUST what I needed.
I love you....
Love,
Nikki
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Thinking Back
Dear Mama,
I just got out of my thinking spot, (the shower) and I just wanted to drop you a quick line. I was thinking about my wedding. I don't know why....But it just popped in my head.
I wasn't there, but I have heard that you grilled Michael pretty good the day he came to ask your permission to propose. He said he reached into his pocket and pulled out the ring box and said "I want to talk to you about this". You looked at it closely, then replied "I don't want to talk about that". You were quite an intimidating little lady. The proposal was a pleasant surprise! I was so excited! But before I responded, I asked "did you ask my mama?" Michael nervously answered "yes". Then I got excited again. But before I answered, I asked "well, what did she say?" He was nervous, but more confused at my lack of response to the initial question (it's a pretty big question). "She said it was okay" he assured, then continued to wait on a response. I got excited again, and started to answer, BUT, before I answered AGAIN, I asked "Yeah, but what did her face look like? Did she have a tone?" It's hilarious looking back. I didn't want you to hurt. I worried about you so much. Finally, (obviously) I said "yes". Then, I let him put the ring on the wrong hand, because neither of us knew any better. After becoming engaged, I came home to a two week silent treatment.You loved Michael, but you weren't ready to turn loose of me. I get it now.
Soon, you came to terms with everything, and we began planning a little ceremony. I was working at David's plus getting ready to take my finals and graduate. We had very different ideas.You really wanted it to be special and elegant. I wanted to have it outdoors and have a big cookout afterwards. We couldn't afford anything big, nor was it really my "thing". Remember all the fussing at me that you did? You wanted me to be more involved in the small details. I told you not to worry so much, because the small details were not important to me. I even called Papaw and told him how crazy you were acting. YOU were bridezilla! Or, "Mother-of-the-Bride-Zilla", I guess. We laughed after he called and scolded you.
I remember us going and looking at location after location and realizing it was going to be very difficult for us to afford even something small. We scoured the aisles of wal-mart looking for ways to cut corners on everything. I remember us working on the invitation list together and having to keep it down to a bare minimum. We listened to song after song after song trying to find the right music. Remember going to look at dresses? We had so much fun! Then at David's one day I asked one of my favorite customers if he would do my wedding, (Brother Robby). Punkin handled the flowers and decor type stuff and did a great job. You and me handled everything else. We split the cost down the middle, since neither of us could afford the entire thing. Photographer, DJ, the food.....We really had no idea what we were doing, but we worked together and figured it out the best we could. You were right there beside me the whole time and we created such special memories planning and working up to the wedding day. It was such a special time in my life.
I took the last of my finals on Thursday, did rehearsal dinner that night, then got married on Saturday.
The morning of the wedding, you took off to meet Punkin and decorate. I went and got my hair and makeup done and then did what EVERY bride does on her wedding day, I had a Big Mac. AND fries. AND supersized Diet Coke. Then when I got there to The Meadows, the nerves set in. Not because of getting married, but because of walking down in front of all of those people!
Before I left out of my little dressing room, to walk down the aisle, you walked in. You showed me that on my bouquet of roses, you had tied yours and daddy's wedding bands. At first, in typical Cochran fashion, I made a sarcastic remark about you trying to jinx my marriage. After all, you and Daddy ARE divorced. Then we laughed and hugged and I thanked you. Remember what happened next? I told you not to worry about me, because this was the happiest day of my life. Your response was "I'm not worried about you. I know I never have to worry about you. I'm so proud of you and happy for you." Those last moments of me being your little girl and yours alone, I will cherish the rest of my life.
The ceremony was nice and quick. Which was just perfect for me. In lieu of writing our own vows, you know that Michael and I chose songs to play for one another. I found this the perfect opportunity to pay you back for making my wedding all girly and sophisticated and stuff....I snuck in a "joke song". It was a little prank I wanted to play on everyone, but especially you. Most people wouldn't understand why a bride would play a joke song at her wedding....But you understood. That's just us. I don't take the sanctimony of marriage lightly, but all the mumbo jumbo, fancy shmancy wedding stuff can get a little ridiculous. You got caught up in it. I wanted to bring you back. My wedding was far from "fancy", but I knew just how to make it more "me". So, when Brother Robby asked for my song that I dedicated to Michael to be played, this song cued up. Only for a second or two. Just long enough to make you, Michael, all the guests, and even Brother Robby laugh.
Then, the real song that I chose for him played. You laughed so hard. I was so glad to see you loosen up and get back to normal "Mom"!
At the reception, you danced with everyone. But not before you danced with me! It was a great day. It was a beautiful time. A time I will hold dear for all of my years.
Thank you so much for everything. I know I said it, but I don't know if I said it enough. Thank you Mama. I love you.
Love,
Nikki
I just got out of my thinking spot, (the shower) and I just wanted to drop you a quick line. I was thinking about my wedding. I don't know why....But it just popped in my head.
I wasn't there, but I have heard that you grilled Michael pretty good the day he came to ask your permission to propose. He said he reached into his pocket and pulled out the ring box and said "I want to talk to you about this". You looked at it closely, then replied "I don't want to talk about that". You were quite an intimidating little lady. The proposal was a pleasant surprise! I was so excited! But before I responded, I asked "did you ask my mama?" Michael nervously answered "yes". Then I got excited again. But before I answered, I asked "well, what did she say?" He was nervous, but more confused at my lack of response to the initial question (it's a pretty big question). "She said it was okay" he assured, then continued to wait on a response. I got excited again, and started to answer, BUT, before I answered AGAIN, I asked "Yeah, but what did her face look like? Did she have a tone?" It's hilarious looking back. I didn't want you to hurt. I worried about you so much. Finally, (obviously) I said "yes". Then, I let him put the ring on the wrong hand, because neither of us knew any better. After becoming engaged, I came home to a two week silent treatment.You loved Michael, but you weren't ready to turn loose of me. I get it now.
Soon, you came to terms with everything, and we began planning a little ceremony. I was working at David's plus getting ready to take my finals and graduate. We had very different ideas.You really wanted it to be special and elegant. I wanted to have it outdoors and have a big cookout afterwards. We couldn't afford anything big, nor was it really my "thing". Remember all the fussing at me that you did? You wanted me to be more involved in the small details. I told you not to worry so much, because the small details were not important to me. I even called Papaw and told him how crazy you were acting. YOU were bridezilla! Or, "Mother-of-the-Bride-Zilla", I guess. We laughed after he called and scolded you.
I always thought this snapshot kind of summed up the theme of our planning process. You griping, and me staring blankly.
I remember us going and looking at location after location and realizing it was going to be very difficult for us to afford even something small. We scoured the aisles of wal-mart looking for ways to cut corners on everything. I remember us working on the invitation list together and having to keep it down to a bare minimum. We listened to song after song after song trying to find the right music. Remember going to look at dresses? We had so much fun! Then at David's one day I asked one of my favorite customers if he would do my wedding, (Brother Robby). Punkin handled the flowers and decor type stuff and did a great job. You and me handled everything else. We split the cost down the middle, since neither of us could afford the entire thing. Photographer, DJ, the food.....We really had no idea what we were doing, but we worked together and figured it out the best we could. You were right there beside me the whole time and we created such special memories planning and working up to the wedding day. It was such a special time in my life.
I took the last of my finals on Thursday, did rehearsal dinner that night, then got married on Saturday.
The love of my life....
At the rehearsal dinner, Josh and Ronnie took a walk down the aisle, as well....
It was CRAZY stressful! But we got through it, together.
A snapshot of these cool guys...??....
All these pictures are a little blurry, but they were easier access than the professional ones....You remember this all vivdly, anyway, I am sure.
Before I left out of my little dressing room, to walk down the aisle, you walked in. You showed me that on my bouquet of roses, you had tied yours and daddy's wedding bands. At first, in typical Cochran fashion, I made a sarcastic remark about you trying to jinx my marriage. After all, you and Daddy ARE divorced. Then we laughed and hugged and I thanked you. Remember what happened next? I told you not to worry about me, because this was the happiest day of my life. Your response was "I'm not worried about you. I know I never have to worry about you. I'm so proud of you and happy for you." Those last moments of me being your little girl and yours alone, I will cherish the rest of my life.
The ceremony was nice and quick. Which was just perfect for me. In lieu of writing our own vows, you know that Michael and I chose songs to play for one another. I found this the perfect opportunity to pay you back for making my wedding all girly and sophisticated and stuff....I snuck in a "joke song". It was a little prank I wanted to play on everyone, but especially you. Most people wouldn't understand why a bride would play a joke song at her wedding....But you understood. That's just us. I don't take the sanctimony of marriage lightly, but all the mumbo jumbo, fancy shmancy wedding stuff can get a little ridiculous. You got caught up in it. I wanted to bring you back. My wedding was far from "fancy", but I knew just how to make it more "me". So, when Brother Robby asked for my song that I dedicated to Michael to be played, this song cued up. Only for a second or two. Just long enough to make you, Michael, all the guests, and even Brother Robby laugh.
Then, the real song that I chose for him played. You laughed so hard. I was so glad to see you loosen up and get back to normal "Mom"!
At the reception, you danced with everyone. But not before you danced with me! It was a great day. It was a beautiful time. A time I will hold dear for all of my years.
Thank you so much for everything. I know I said it, but I don't know if I said it enough. Thank you Mama. I love you.
Love,
Nikki
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Five Months
Dear Mama,
When I woke up to the sound of Michael getting ready this morning (around 3am), you popped in my head. This isn't uncommon. But THIS morning I just kept thinking that exactly five months earlier I was saying my last few words to you as you slept. I was preparing for the inevitable. I was watching your breaths get farther and farther apart. I knew what was coming....But I didn't know what was coming after that...........
I've been doing a little better. Actually, compared to some of the days I've had, I have been doing alot better. However, I have to say that it's not my doing. It's because of Neva. I just worry about her so much. She's just been so sad, Mama. I mean, she is a 3 year old, so she has happy moments. She plays. She talks. She sasses. BUT, I know my baby. She has been deeply affected by your leaving. I am just now, after 5 months, realizing just how deeply. The other day, after we went to the movies to see the new Ice Age, she randomly asked "Mommy, after God and the Angels get through making Gammy better in Heaven, can she come back to Laurel Mississippi?" These words stung my heart. I tried to explain that you were never coming back from Heaven, but we WOULD see you again... and we could talk to you anytime we wanted. We may not hear your response, but you are listening. I explained all this and she seemed to be saitsfied with the answer. It was out of nowhere, Mama. We weren't talking about you. I wasn't having a bad day. It was just on her little mind. You seem to be on her mind all the time here lately. After church Sunday, I went to her classroom to get her. That's when her teacher told me that she was having a "sad day" and that she had been talking about you alot. It was in that moment that I knew it wasn't me being paranoid, or over analyzing, or making something out of nothing, like I always do. Someone else saw it. It's there. She's hurting and time seems to be making her pain more intense and her confusion more prevalent. I knew in that moment, as I walked to the car crying, that I have to be better. I HAVE TO BE. So, I have been trying harder than ever.... It's amazing what you can make yourself do for your children. Of course, YOU would know that better than anyone. I've been talking to her, and letting her talk. I've also been trying to do some fun things with her to somewhat distract her. She seems to find comfort in artwork, so we are embracing that. My fridge is covered. I will rewallpaper the whole house if it will make her feel better. I know it's just going to take time for her to understand.....
On a lighter note, I am maintaining what little bit of weight I lost, but dang, Mili is FIVE months old and I am still sporting my maternity clothes. I don't get it. I'm trying to be patient with myself, but it's hard. At this point, my weight just seems to be ONE more thing I can't control. Michael can say "hold the cheese" on his cheeseburger and he will lose 10lbs, I can eat air for a week and I gain weight! So unfair. In addition to trying to lose weight, I have been doing lots of activities with the kids, keeping busy and just trying to take advantage of my very last year with Neva at home. I want to soak up every moment. I also have been working diligently to prepare her cognitively for 5k. I can't believe there's only a year until she starts school. It's so depressing. I wish you were here to help me through all of this. Nori is still throwing her little fits. I would have never tolerated this behavior from Neva. I know that I need to be consistent with my discipline with all three girls, but there's just something about Nori. Everything she does is funny. Perhaps, that is why she is so.....um, what the PC word for "bad"? She's...."strong willed". She just talks like an adult and what she says is so cute. Even when it's not cute, it is cute, because SHE said it with her little bobbing attitudey head and her little lisp. Anyway, I know I need to tighten up on her. We will call it a "work in progress". And Mili? Wow. She is absolutely precious. She has not been corrupted by the older girls, YET. She melts my heart. They all have given me a reason to keep going and to try harder everyday. I am so very thankful for them.
I went to Walker Memorial to finish up the business with your headstone. I was very shocked at the price. We got exactly what we wanted at an incredible price. Ms. Lisa that works there, spoke so very highly of you. She was so nice and compassionate toward us. She let me cry in her office. She hugged each of us. She walked us through the whole process. Now, we are waiting until everything gets ready. I can't wait to see it. I just hope you like it.
I cleaned all of your stuff out of Ronnie's house the other day. The kids seemed to know, without my saying a word, that this was a hard day for Mommy. Because they behaved very well and even came to your room to "check on me" a couple times. Most everything you owned was a hand-me-down from Ms. Sharon or Tanya or someone. Anyone else may not see much value in the actual clothing. But to ME, each shirt held a memory. Each dress. Each pair of sweatpants. I kept a few things, although it was in me to keep EVERY thing. I kept the shirts that you wore to the hospital the day each girl was born. I kept your cheap lil wedding gown. I kept that pair of raggedy gray jogging pants that you have worn my entire life. I kept that green hoody (the one you wore ALL THE TIME!) that Jamina got you for your birthday. There were a few other things, but most everything I gave to charity. I cried several times throughout that day. The hardest part, was watching the volunteers empty your clothes into a bin as I was backing out of the parking lot. I saw your Greenbay hoody that was 3 sizes too big BEFORE you got sick. I saw the sweater you wore to Nori's last birthday party. I saw the shirt you wore the very last time you and I went to town together. I saw your clothes fall out of the bags and there were strangers already picking through them. I know, I know, that was the point. But, I didn't know that I would be watching them sort through them and take them immediately. It was tough. It's like they were ripping the memories from me. There was part of me that wanted to stop the car and run back in and yell "I changed my mind! I need those clothes! Those are MY Mama's clothes!".....But I drove away fighting the tears and the lump in my throat. I did that for you. Well, for you AND Ronnie. I am hoping that he will find a little peace now that the house doesn't look like it's prepped for your return.
I've never really thought about it a whole lot. But here lately, I have been wondering what it's like in Heaven. I mean, without what I visually recognize as "you", will I know you when I see you? Will you know me? Will it be the way it was? Will we be different? I wish so badly that I was more educated religiously, and I am working on it, but still I am left with my questions for now. I sure do hope you know me and I know you and we pick up where we left off. I googled "heavenly recognition", but I am supposed to be meeting with Br. Robby soon and I'll take his word over google. I find just as much comfort in talking to him, that you used to. He always answers my dumb questions as if they are not ridiculous. He is just an incredible person. That's it. His whole family. Just great people. We're still going to Journey, though we haven't officially joined yet. I love everything about the place. I love the honesty. I love the laid back feel. I love that Michael can come straight from the Donut Shop and not have to worry about his wardrobe. I love the hugs I get. I love that my girls love it. I love that I am moved every Sunday. I love that I cry AND laugh most every sermon. I love that when I am leaving with a tear stained face, noone draws alot of attention to it. I love that prayer is becoming a big part of my life. I love that I am forming a meaningful relationship with God. I love it. I just plain love it. Thank you for taking me there a little over a year ago. Perhaps everything does happen for a reason.
It is true, that nothing could have prepared me for a life without you. I didn't know when I watched my best friend, my mom, take her last breath 5 months ago, that was the easy part. Living without you is a pain, that I previously could not have imagined. Life is never going to be the same as it was before cancer came into my life. Never. And it will certainly never be the same, since you left and no longer dwell here on earth with us. There are hard times ahead. But I know I have to keep moving forward. I have to handle the tough days, and embrace the good days as they come. After all, that's what life is right? A whole bunch of days. Good and bad. I'm just going to take them one at a time and do the best I can.
I know you know, but let me say it anyway....Just because your clothes, your car, and all those material things are no longer here---YOU ARE HERE. You will forever dwell right inside my heart. And don't you ever forget it. You're my best friend and the best Mama I could have ever asked for.
I love you.
Love,
Nikki
When I woke up to the sound of Michael getting ready this morning (around 3am), you popped in my head. This isn't uncommon. But THIS morning I just kept thinking that exactly five months earlier I was saying my last few words to you as you slept. I was preparing for the inevitable. I was watching your breaths get farther and farther apart. I knew what was coming....But I didn't know what was coming after that...........
I've been doing a little better. Actually, compared to some of the days I've had, I have been doing alot better. However, I have to say that it's not my doing. It's because of Neva. I just worry about her so much. She's just been so sad, Mama. I mean, she is a 3 year old, so she has happy moments. She plays. She talks. She sasses. BUT, I know my baby. She has been deeply affected by your leaving. I am just now, after 5 months, realizing just how deeply. The other day, after we went to the movies to see the new Ice Age, she randomly asked "Mommy, after God and the Angels get through making Gammy better in Heaven, can she come back to Laurel Mississippi?" These words stung my heart. I tried to explain that you were never coming back from Heaven, but we WOULD see you again... and we could talk to you anytime we wanted. We may not hear your response, but you are listening. I explained all this and she seemed to be saitsfied with the answer. It was out of nowhere, Mama. We weren't talking about you. I wasn't having a bad day. It was just on her little mind. You seem to be on her mind all the time here lately. After church Sunday, I went to her classroom to get her. That's when her teacher told me that she was having a "sad day" and that she had been talking about you alot. It was in that moment that I knew it wasn't me being paranoid, or over analyzing, or making something out of nothing, like I always do. Someone else saw it. It's there. She's hurting and time seems to be making her pain more intense and her confusion more prevalent. I knew in that moment, as I walked to the car crying, that I have to be better. I HAVE TO BE. So, I have been trying harder than ever.... It's amazing what you can make yourself do for your children. Of course, YOU would know that better than anyone. I've been talking to her, and letting her talk. I've also been trying to do some fun things with her to somewhat distract her. She seems to find comfort in artwork, so we are embracing that. My fridge is covered. I will rewallpaper the whole house if it will make her feel better. I know it's just going to take time for her to understand.....
On a lighter note, I am maintaining what little bit of weight I lost, but dang, Mili is FIVE months old and I am still sporting my maternity clothes. I don't get it. I'm trying to be patient with myself, but it's hard. At this point, my weight just seems to be ONE more thing I can't control. Michael can say "hold the cheese" on his cheeseburger and he will lose 10lbs, I can eat air for a week and I gain weight! So unfair. In addition to trying to lose weight, I have been doing lots of activities with the kids, keeping busy and just trying to take advantage of my very last year with Neva at home. I want to soak up every moment. I also have been working diligently to prepare her cognitively for 5k. I can't believe there's only a year until she starts school. It's so depressing. I wish you were here to help me through all of this. Nori is still throwing her little fits. I would have never tolerated this behavior from Neva. I know that I need to be consistent with my discipline with all three girls, but there's just something about Nori. Everything she does is funny. Perhaps, that is why she is so.....um, what the PC word for "bad"? She's...."strong willed". She just talks like an adult and what she says is so cute. Even when it's not cute, it is cute, because SHE said it with her little bobbing attitudey head and her little lisp. Anyway, I know I need to tighten up on her. We will call it a "work in progress". And Mili? Wow. She is absolutely precious. She has not been corrupted by the older girls, YET. She melts my heart. They all have given me a reason to keep going and to try harder everyday. I am so very thankful for them.
I went to Walker Memorial to finish up the business with your headstone. I was very shocked at the price. We got exactly what we wanted at an incredible price. Ms. Lisa that works there, spoke so very highly of you. She was so nice and compassionate toward us. She let me cry in her office. She hugged each of us. She walked us through the whole process. Now, we are waiting until everything gets ready. I can't wait to see it. I just hope you like it.
I cleaned all of your stuff out of Ronnie's house the other day. The kids seemed to know, without my saying a word, that this was a hard day for Mommy. Because they behaved very well and even came to your room to "check on me" a couple times. Most everything you owned was a hand-me-down from Ms. Sharon or Tanya or someone. Anyone else may not see much value in the actual clothing. But to ME, each shirt held a memory. Each dress. Each pair of sweatpants. I kept a few things, although it was in me to keep EVERY thing. I kept the shirts that you wore to the hospital the day each girl was born. I kept your cheap lil wedding gown. I kept that pair of raggedy gray jogging pants that you have worn my entire life. I kept that green hoody (the one you wore ALL THE TIME!) that Jamina got you for your birthday. There were a few other things, but most everything I gave to charity. I cried several times throughout that day. The hardest part, was watching the volunteers empty your clothes into a bin as I was backing out of the parking lot. I saw your Greenbay hoody that was 3 sizes too big BEFORE you got sick. I saw the sweater you wore to Nori's last birthday party. I saw the shirt you wore the very last time you and I went to town together. I saw your clothes fall out of the bags and there were strangers already picking through them. I know, I know, that was the point. But, I didn't know that I would be watching them sort through them and take them immediately. It was tough. It's like they were ripping the memories from me. There was part of me that wanted to stop the car and run back in and yell "I changed my mind! I need those clothes! Those are MY Mama's clothes!".....But I drove away fighting the tears and the lump in my throat. I did that for you. Well, for you AND Ronnie. I am hoping that he will find a little peace now that the house doesn't look like it's prepped for your return.
I've never really thought about it a whole lot. But here lately, I have been wondering what it's like in Heaven. I mean, without what I visually recognize as "you", will I know you when I see you? Will you know me? Will it be the way it was? Will we be different? I wish so badly that I was more educated religiously, and I am working on it, but still I am left with my questions for now. I sure do hope you know me and I know you and we pick up where we left off. I googled "heavenly recognition", but I am supposed to be meeting with Br. Robby soon and I'll take his word over google. I find just as much comfort in talking to him, that you used to. He always answers my dumb questions as if they are not ridiculous. He is just an incredible person. That's it. His whole family. Just great people. We're still going to Journey, though we haven't officially joined yet. I love everything about the place. I love the honesty. I love the laid back feel. I love that Michael can come straight from the Donut Shop and not have to worry about his wardrobe. I love the hugs I get. I love that my girls love it. I love that I am moved every Sunday. I love that I cry AND laugh most every sermon. I love that when I am leaving with a tear stained face, noone draws alot of attention to it. I love that prayer is becoming a big part of my life. I love that I am forming a meaningful relationship with God. I love it. I just plain love it. Thank you for taking me there a little over a year ago. Perhaps everything does happen for a reason.
It is true, that nothing could have prepared me for a life without you. I didn't know when I watched my best friend, my mom, take her last breath 5 months ago, that was the easy part. Living without you is a pain, that I previously could not have imagined. Life is never going to be the same as it was before cancer came into my life. Never. And it will certainly never be the same, since you left and no longer dwell here on earth with us. There are hard times ahead. But I know I have to keep moving forward. I have to handle the tough days, and embrace the good days as they come. After all, that's what life is right? A whole bunch of days. Good and bad. I'm just going to take them one at a time and do the best I can.
I know you know, but let me say it anyway....Just because your clothes, your car, and all those material things are no longer here---YOU ARE HERE. You will forever dwell right inside my heart. And don't you ever forget it. You're my best friend and the best Mama I could have ever asked for.
I love you.
Love,
Nikki
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Acceptance?
Dear Mama,
Before this week, I struggled with coming to terms with your not being here and my inability to talk to you every day. But as we now approach 5 months, I find your absence becoming the norm. This, is absolutely unacceptable. I don't want this to become the norm. I don't really know what the alternative is....But just accepting this, some how feels like I am giving up on you or something. I don't know how to explain it, I just know that as much as I would love to find peace, I am not ready to accept your absence. I just can't.
Things are going pretty good. Ronnie took a little trip with a buddy to watch a couple White Sox games and relax a little. I was so proud of him for this. He, quite possibly, has taken the loss of you the hardest. So, I was glad that he got out to do something fun. Since he returned, he's been busy with work. Then, this past weekend, Josh and Amber took the boys to the coast for a day. It was a little mini vacation for them and the boys. From what I heard, they had a GREAT time! I've stayed pretty close to home. I go to the gym, the grocery store, the donut shop, and to church. That is it. Ive lost a few pounds....Not near about enough, but I'm proud of my little bit of progress. I've spoken to your sisters a couple times recently, and Uncle Ricky through text. Seems like everyone is doing ok.
Punkin said that day that ya'll met to handle some of Papaw's headstone business, that you pointed out a headstone. I hope you don't mind, but we went with something different. We wanted something very elaborate and...well, just plain deserving of marking your final resting place. You'd probably kill us for spending so much, but this is the last material gift that we could give you. We really wanted to go all out. You would have been proud of your boys....They had very specific ideas of what they wanted for you, as did I. We collaborated and compromised and carefully made our decision as a team, and we are VERY excited for you to see. You gave us so much, Mama. We want to do the same for you. I think you're going to love it. Oh, and the boys let me put a poem that I wrote for you on the back. It's a little lengthy, and since we are charged by the letter, Ronnie jokingly asked me to shorten it. Of course I didn't. As soon as it's ready, I will post a picture for you.
I worry about my girls, Mama. Both of the older ones have experienced so much loss at such an early age. They had to come to terms with losing their Papaw the Great, whom they saw every week of their lives. Then, before that could become a reality for them, they lost you. As you know, this was a significant loss. They have seen you EVERY DAY of their lives, give or take a few sick days. Losing you was huge. It still is huge. Everywhere we go, they talk about you. The other day at a cookout, a random person there said "shoo fly". Nori looked confused. Then she remembered. She shouted "My Gammy used to sing that ALL the time!!!". I was so proud of her. 5 months to a 2 year old is an eternity. I was excited that she had a memory of you unprompted by me. She does that randomly. She mentions you at the strangest times. Neva, on the other hand, talks about you constantly. I worried for a while after you left that she might be a little depressed. Her whole demeanor changed after you left. Just today she was running into the house from outside. I heard her say something about a star and a heart. But my main concern was her being in the house alone. The rest of us were outside. So, I stuck my head in "Neva, come back outside" I called from the door. She yelled back "I've GOT to make her a picture! I've got to!" her voice was cracking and she seemed angry. I walked in. She had pulled out of her crayon basket the perfect 2 colors for her masterpiece, then through teary yet mad eyes, asked me for a purple piece of paper. I was confused. But I got her the paper.I knelt down to hand it to her. "Are you ok, baby?" I asked. But she was on a mission. She was very quiet. I asked her to do her artwork on the porch so that I could watch her and her sisters at the same time. She quietly agreed. As she sat down I asked, "who is this for?" ( I was pretty sure I already knew, but I needed to hear her say it). "It's for my Gammy. She has bobo's. I want to make her a picture to make her feel better." My heart was broken for her. Mama, she worked on that picture for 30 min. Which is a lifetime for a little 3 year old. When she finished, she brought it to me. She described the "heart" and "stars" that she drew for you and your bobo's. I made a really big deal about it. I hugged her tight, but I could tell it wasn't me that she wanted to hug. You and Neva were so very close, theres no way this wasn't going to be hard on her.
I called Daddy on the 4th of July to come join us, since Ronnie cooked enough for everyone on the block. At first he said no. He and Kim were "going riding". But then he showed up. I had spoken to him a few nights earlier and told him I would really like to see him more. He reminded me that everyone's schedules were very busy, but agreed that the thought was a nice one. Josh has done a really great job staying close to daddy since you left. I know there isn't enough effort put forth for a meaningful relationship to form between me and him. Not enough effort on either part. But that's another letter, another time. Anyway, I was glad he came, because the kids truly adore him, especially Neva. And since they have been so "fragile" lately, I invite anyone to shower them with attention and make them giggle like the care free kids they should be. Unfortunately, the road was calling him. Because about 5 minutes after they arrived, they left. When he stood up to leave, Neva called out "NO, Don't leave!" ( She always wants to play with him). But they had to go. After they left, my heart ached for Neva. She just reminds me so much of me with her worrying and over thinking. I knew by the look on her face that her little feelings were hurt. When we left, she even asked to go to his house, but I reminded her that he wasn't home. I tried not to get angry, but I am all too familiar with this feeling, and I did NOT want her feeling it. She has the potential to be a "Pop's baby", if only she knew him better.....
Other than missing you, the girls are doing really well. Mili is sleeping straight through the night, and has been for over a month now! She is the best baby EVER! She's so sweet. Well, there is this one lil thing...She has a temper that is out of this world! When she gets sleepy, and for whatever reason she can't get in her swing or in her crib, SHE FLIPS OUT. She kicks her legs like crazy, she turns bright red, and she screams loud enough to blow the windows out. She won't let me rock her. Shes not really into snuggling. She wants quiet, alone time to fall asleep. Which is good, considering the other two are already a handful. But it's tough when she gets sleepy at a restaurant or something, I mean I guess I need to carry her pack n play around with me like a diaper bag.
Anyway, there is alot more I'd like to tell you about the kids, but this letter is getting longer and longer, and I know how you feel about sitting still for too long.
I know that I need to embrace this acceptance of your loss, if that's what this is ( I'm still struggling to understand and label my feelings). It feels, like I said, that life without you is now the norm. If it was just me, I may never let myself heal....I may hang on to this torment forever, for whatever reason....But with the girls watching my every move, I KNOW that I need to model a healthy healing process. Because, sadly, more loss is to come. It is inevitable. Just like you handled the loss of your parents with me, Ronnie and Josh in mind, it is now my turn to do the same for my children. I have to heal, so that my children can heal. Afterall, it may feel that way now, but I know that my healing isn't really giving up on you. It's honoring you and your parental beliefs. I think you would be proud.
Thank you for teaching me to be a good Mama.
I love you with ALL my heart.
Love,
Nikki
Before this week, I struggled with coming to terms with your not being here and my inability to talk to you every day. But as we now approach 5 months, I find your absence becoming the norm. This, is absolutely unacceptable. I don't want this to become the norm. I don't really know what the alternative is....But just accepting this, some how feels like I am giving up on you or something. I don't know how to explain it, I just know that as much as I would love to find peace, I am not ready to accept your absence. I just can't.
Things are going pretty good. Ronnie took a little trip with a buddy to watch a couple White Sox games and relax a little. I was so proud of him for this. He, quite possibly, has taken the loss of you the hardest. So, I was glad that he got out to do something fun. Since he returned, he's been busy with work. Then, this past weekend, Josh and Amber took the boys to the coast for a day. It was a little mini vacation for them and the boys. From what I heard, they had a GREAT time! I've stayed pretty close to home. I go to the gym, the grocery store, the donut shop, and to church. That is it. Ive lost a few pounds....Not near about enough, but I'm proud of my little bit of progress. I've spoken to your sisters a couple times recently, and Uncle Ricky through text. Seems like everyone is doing ok.
Punkin said that day that ya'll met to handle some of Papaw's headstone business, that you pointed out a headstone. I hope you don't mind, but we went with something different. We wanted something very elaborate and...well, just plain deserving of marking your final resting place. You'd probably kill us for spending so much, but this is the last material gift that we could give you. We really wanted to go all out. You would have been proud of your boys....They had very specific ideas of what they wanted for you, as did I. We collaborated and compromised and carefully made our decision as a team, and we are VERY excited for you to see. You gave us so much, Mama. We want to do the same for you. I think you're going to love it. Oh, and the boys let me put a poem that I wrote for you on the back. It's a little lengthy, and since we are charged by the letter, Ronnie jokingly asked me to shorten it. Of course I didn't. As soon as it's ready, I will post a picture for you.
I worry about my girls, Mama. Both of the older ones have experienced so much loss at such an early age. They had to come to terms with losing their Papaw the Great, whom they saw every week of their lives. Then, before that could become a reality for them, they lost you. As you know, this was a significant loss. They have seen you EVERY DAY of their lives, give or take a few sick days. Losing you was huge. It still is huge. Everywhere we go, they talk about you. The other day at a cookout, a random person there said "shoo fly". Nori looked confused. Then she remembered. She shouted "My Gammy used to sing that ALL the time!!!". I was so proud of her. 5 months to a 2 year old is an eternity. I was excited that she had a memory of you unprompted by me. She does that randomly. She mentions you at the strangest times. Neva, on the other hand, talks about you constantly. I worried for a while after you left that she might be a little depressed. Her whole demeanor changed after you left. Just today she was running into the house from outside. I heard her say something about a star and a heart. But my main concern was her being in the house alone. The rest of us were outside. So, I stuck my head in "Neva, come back outside" I called from the door. She yelled back "I've GOT to make her a picture! I've got to!" her voice was cracking and she seemed angry. I walked in. She had pulled out of her crayon basket the perfect 2 colors for her masterpiece, then through teary yet mad eyes, asked me for a purple piece of paper. I was confused. But I got her the paper.I knelt down to hand it to her. "Are you ok, baby?" I asked. But she was on a mission. She was very quiet. I asked her to do her artwork on the porch so that I could watch her and her sisters at the same time. She quietly agreed. As she sat down I asked, "who is this for?" ( I was pretty sure I already knew, but I needed to hear her say it). "It's for my Gammy. She has bobo's. I want to make her a picture to make her feel better." My heart was broken for her. Mama, she worked on that picture for 30 min. Which is a lifetime for a little 3 year old. When she finished, she brought it to me. She described the "heart" and "stars" that she drew for you and your bobo's. I made a really big deal about it. I hugged her tight, but I could tell it wasn't me that she wanted to hug. You and Neva were so very close, theres no way this wasn't going to be hard on her.
I called Daddy on the 4th of July to come join us, since Ronnie cooked enough for everyone on the block. At first he said no. He and Kim were "going riding". But then he showed up. I had spoken to him a few nights earlier and told him I would really like to see him more. He reminded me that everyone's schedules were very busy, but agreed that the thought was a nice one. Josh has done a really great job staying close to daddy since you left. I know there isn't enough effort put forth for a meaningful relationship to form between me and him. Not enough effort on either part. But that's another letter, another time. Anyway, I was glad he came, because the kids truly adore him, especially Neva. And since they have been so "fragile" lately, I invite anyone to shower them with attention and make them giggle like the care free kids they should be. Unfortunately, the road was calling him. Because about 5 minutes after they arrived, they left. When he stood up to leave, Neva called out "NO, Don't leave!" ( She always wants to play with him). But they had to go. After they left, my heart ached for Neva. She just reminds me so much of me with her worrying and over thinking. I knew by the look on her face that her little feelings were hurt. When we left, she even asked to go to his house, but I reminded her that he wasn't home. I tried not to get angry, but I am all too familiar with this feeling, and I did NOT want her feeling it. She has the potential to be a "Pop's baby", if only she knew him better.....
Other than missing you, the girls are doing really well. Mili is sleeping straight through the night, and has been for over a month now! She is the best baby EVER! She's so sweet. Well, there is this one lil thing...She has a temper that is out of this world! When she gets sleepy, and for whatever reason she can't get in her swing or in her crib, SHE FLIPS OUT. She kicks her legs like crazy, she turns bright red, and she screams loud enough to blow the windows out. She won't let me rock her. Shes not really into snuggling. She wants quiet, alone time to fall asleep. Which is good, considering the other two are already a handful. But it's tough when she gets sleepy at a restaurant or something, I mean I guess I need to carry her pack n play around with me like a diaper bag.
Anyway, there is alot more I'd like to tell you about the kids, but this letter is getting longer and longer, and I know how you feel about sitting still for too long.
I know that I need to embrace this acceptance of your loss, if that's what this is ( I'm still struggling to understand and label my feelings). It feels, like I said, that life without you is now the norm. If it was just me, I may never let myself heal....I may hang on to this torment forever, for whatever reason....But with the girls watching my every move, I KNOW that I need to model a healthy healing process. Because, sadly, more loss is to come. It is inevitable. Just like you handled the loss of your parents with me, Ronnie and Josh in mind, it is now my turn to do the same for my children. I have to heal, so that my children can heal. Afterall, it may feel that way now, but I know that my healing isn't really giving up on you. It's honoring you and your parental beliefs. I think you would be proud.
Thank you for teaching me to be a good Mama.
I love you with ALL my heart.
Love,
Nikki
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