Downward Spiral

Things aren't any better with my mom. They are actually getting worse and worse by the moment. I spent the entire day at her house yesterday. A couple of times I walked into her room, and though she was very confused, she seemed to be having more coherent moments than the day before. I found myself a little excited.I was thinking, maybe she's getting used to this new pain patch, and she's going to be normal again soon. I was wrong. Very, very wrong. At one point, later in the day, mom came out of her room in her pajamas, her purse on her shoulder and a cigarette in her mouth. She tried to light the filter end and smoke it backwards. She also had all of her money in her hand. She said she was headed to pay her electric bill. She was stumbling so much I was afraid she would fall. I was scared that she was going to fall on one of the kids who were running around the house. Amber was crying. I was crying. She insisted that she was going to drive herself. She seemed kind of angry. I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared. It was like watching a Lifetime movie about an Alzheimer's patient. In that moment, she didn't even know she was confused. It was like convincing a drunk person that they shouldn't get behind the wheel. Josh snapped "this is ridiculous mom, you can't drive". She kept walking as though she was not letting anyone stop her. Finally, we talked it out, calmed the situation down, and found middle ground. She agreed to let Amber drive her. In reality, she shouldn't have even left the house. I was scared the phone would ring, and Amber would say that mom was being defiant or trying to get out of the car. Luckily, she rode calmly, then came home and went back to bed. I cried the whole time she was gone. It was then that I realized how bad she was. She's really, really bad. I also realized, it's not the medicine, like I hoped. When this happened, it had been over 8 hours since her last dose. It's the disease. It's completely taken my mom from me mentally and emotionally. Now we watch and wait for it to conquer her physically as well.

When Ronnie got home, we tried to explain to him the events that had unfolded through the day. Unfortunately, I don't think he realized the severity of the situation. When he saw for himself, he took off work a couple of days and cancelled his weekend trip to a coaching clinic in Dallas this weekend. I could tell that he was completely devastated, as we all were and still are. It is amazing how fast this is all happening. We phoned mom's siblings in Taylorsville to inform them of the drastic changes. Since Ronnie and Josh were staying with her, I went on home to pack a bag and head back today to "move in" for a while. I told mom I would do this a long time ago. I just can't believe that time has finally come. Last night, was pretty rough. For some reason, night time brings with it all of my anxieties and fears. During the day, I am pretty much numb. I watch family members cry, but I am emotionless. When I finally fell asleep, I rested well. But I dreamed of her. Then when I woke up, I couldn't fall back asleep. My mind was too busy. I just can't believe this is happening. The situation has deteriorated so fast. I know people think that we have had plenty of time to prepare, but we are not prepared. Not even close. She was fine last week. Not great. But fine. Now she is gone. Still here but gone. She does still tell us that she loves us--but that's about it. She is just lost in that head of hers.

Today was horrendous. She barely woke up, but when she did, she made NO sense. Her body was too weak to jump out of bed and demand to go anywhere. But she still seemed a bit agitated. She had alot of visitors today too. She is confused by her sisters and brother and others coming so frequently out of the blue. She is a smart woman. Though her mind is beginning to fail her, she knows that something is up. She keeps asking why everyone is here. We were honest "Mom, you're not doing too good. Everyone just wanted to see you, that's all." I laid in the bed with her earlier, and I told her "mama I know you're confused, but you are okay. We are going to take care of you". Though her eyes were closed, she mumbled "I know baby". I hope she really does know, and I hope it brings her some comfort. I have also told her repeatedly that I am proud of her. This is something I often told her when she was in a better mindstate. But I continue to tell her, because I keep getting prouder and prouder. She has fought like a champion, and even now she fights on.

I spent the day trying to find someone from Antioch Methodist Church to sell us a plot for mom. She loves that beautiful red brick church and the well maitained cemetary. She also liked the idea of being close to home.....Her favorite place. When we finally reached someone, Josh and I rode up to the cemetery and found the perfect spot for her. She had somewhat pointed it out already, we just had to pinpoint it. I think she would love it.

I feel so bad for her. She doesn't understand why she can't get her thoughts together. It is hard to watch a woman who is SO independent, unable to put her thoughts into words. It is heart breaking to watch such a beautiful person break down like this. I want to help her, but I can't. I can't do a single thing to make it better. I have been very on edge, impatient and snappy. I have been praying for the ability to deal with this situation more gracefully.

When Mallorie, the Hospice nurse came today, she explained some things to us. My aunt had brought to my attention that mom's urine was a brownish color. The next time mom went to the bathroom, I took the liberty to look for myself. She was right. She thought mom was dehydrated and perhaps she needed some fluids. So, I asked Mallorie. She explained that we could take mom to the hospital for fluids because she probably was dehydrated, but if the dying process has already started (and she believes it has), the fluids would make the situation much, much more difficult. Harder for mom, and harder for us to watch. She also predicted that based on her symptoms, my mom has about two weeks left. She told me that often times, patients have a goal. When they reach that goal, they feel they can "let go". Mallorie thinks mom's goal was Mili's birth. When I really think about it, I have to agree. She was fine until that day. The moment she left the hospital, she started declining and she hasn't stopped. It's gotten worse and worse and worse. Mallorie said that she has been fighting so hard so that she could honor her word, and now she is finally "listening to her body". It is unreal to think that my mom fought DEATH.....For ME. It is unreal. And yet, I am not surprised. My mom is woman of her word.

Tomorrow, I will go and pick out her dress, shoes, and hat for her funeral. Then, I will be putting pictures on cds to so that Ronnie can make her slide show. I just want to get it all out of the way, so that when she does pass, I can just focus on my family. She really "softened the blow" of all of this by telling us exactly what she wanted. She has already chosen the funeral home and paid, she  picked out her cemetery and somewhat chose her plot. She chose the songs that will be sang, and just really talked us through this whole thing. What a woman. I am just so proud of her.

I am officially living with my mom. The baby is with me, but the girls will be in and out. I feel, that even though I have been very honest with them through this, they definitely need to be sheltered from this part. It is horrifying even for me as an adult. She did look at Nori yesterday, who had climbed on her bed and was repeating "Gammy I wub you, Gammy I wub you" over and over, and she said "I love you too baby, SOO much". HER words broke my heart. Then, in a bad moment, Neva tried to come in mom's room and I snapped "get out!". She yelled from the hall "I just wanted to love MY GAMMY!!" Then she cried inconsolably. I just didn't want her to see her Gammy like that, but I felt so guilty. All she wanted was a sugar and a hug from one of her favorite people in the world. This is so hard on them. It's hard on us all.

My mom will pass here in the comforts of her own house, more than likely with all of her children present. Earlier, she said "I love all 3 of y'all". When she says that, it lets me know that she isn't completely gone, yet.

Please pray for our family.....