10 Months

Dear Mama,

Today, unbelievably, is an official 10 months since you left... It's Christmas time and I think I speak for myself AND the boys when I say that we're missing you more than ever now. I long for you in a way that's so intense-- there are no accurate words to describe it. I feel as though it's been a lifetime since I had one of your special hugs, and what I wouldn't give for a sweet little peck on the cheek. You know that you were my everything...my travel buddy, my babysitter, my confidante, my advisor, and most importantly my best friend in the whole world... I feel utterly lost without you. I don't mean to make you worry, Mama... I say I'm lost, but I'm ok. I just don't know what to do with myself sometimes in your absence. I told you I'd be strong and so far I've kept my word. It's not easy.  Every fiber of my body wants to throw in the towel, and lay down and let the sadness take over... I'm fighting it Mom. Just like you taught me. I'm fighting it for the girls, for Michael and I'm fighting it for YOU. I know you would have given anything to have lived a full life, so I can't just waste mine being sad. I won't let that happen, I promise.

Christmas has made your memory so much more vibrant. I think of you constantly... I mean literally non-stop. When I am alone, and sometimes when I'm not, I cry. I cry because I want you back, Mama. I understand God's will was done, the day you went to heaven. But can I just say that my tiny, selfish, insignificant, unimportant will is for you to be here. To hold my hand when I'm scared. To smile when I'm sad. To soothe me when I'm in pain. To laugh with me when the girls do something silly. To wipe my tears when I cry. To love me. I want you back Mama.... I miss you so much, please just come back. Please! Just find some way to see me or let me know you're ok. I feel you are so much MORE than ok, but I want to see it. I know we will be together for eternity, but I'd like to talk to you now.  I just want to see your smile and to talk to you for just a minute. You could always make the impossible happen for us, your kids....Cant you please find a way?

I trust that God's plan is so much better than my biased one. But I will never stop missing you.



Until we meet again,  I will be looking for you in my dreams each night.

I love you lil lady...

Love,

Nikki

Little Miss Lady Bug

I drove away from the cemetery today, silently wiping the tears from my eyes and thinking about mom more than ever. The girls rested quietly in the backseat as I drove home from, what was supposed to be, a quick trip to town. As I left the cemetery drive and approached the main road, my heavy heart was weighing me down and my tears were seemingly never going to stop. I didn't want the girls to know, so I was careful to not sniffle to loudly. Then I glanced to my left and saw a cute little ladybug on my window. Her color was vibrant and her spots were pronounced....I hoped she would fly off of my window, as I knew my speed was going to increase very soon. I put my eyes on the road, where they belong.  But I couldn't help myself... My curiosity kept forcing me to look at her. Her wings were fluttering in the wind as I continued to accelerate. As I stared at her holding on with all her might, I couldn't help but think how alike we are, she and I.

I'm going to be honest, my absence from my blog lately has been intentional. I'd love to tell you that I've been so busy that I haven't time to write, but sadly that's not the case. Though I've had some pretty good days since I last reported, I think it is in large part to COMPLETELY IGNORING my feelings. I thought about writing every day, because this blog is my therapy. But, each time the thought popped in my head- I immediately felt anxious, and almost sick. I knew that writing about her, thinking of her, or embracing my feelings about her could ruin the "good-day streak" I had going. Though I know avoidance is not the healthiest grief strategy- I thought maybe, just maybe, I could avoid my way through the holidays.... Well, I am here tonight telling you that I was wrong. The last three days have been the worst days yet. I was ok until I realized that Christmas is sneaking up and I haven't bought the first gift! This thought inevitably led to a thought about shopping. Then, I thought about past shopping, and I thought about her. It's just a domino effect of thoughts. I thought about past years of Mom and I roaming aisles looking for the perfect gift. Mama didn't play when it came to Christmas presents... She didn't really have the money to buy for us or the grand kids year- round, so Christmas was her field day... And she took it very, very seriously. Many a day I have followed behind her as she stomped out of a store because she didn't find what she wanted. Of course, of all the years, the memory of LAST year was threatening to break my happy streak. She was so sick and just trying to hold on for us. I didn't know it at the time, but she was holding on so tight. We shopped together for very short periods at a time. She tired out so quickly, that we had to spread it out over a few small quick trips. She didn't get crazy over the gifts either, like usual. As I've told you before- at this point her mentality toward material things had completely changed. And she held my hand every time we sat back down in the car. EVERY time. I remember glancing over at her in the passenger seat, her little body barely taking up half the space, and she would always be looking at me. Just looking. I wonder now, what it was that she was thinking. Maybe I should have asked....But maybe I already knew. After the shopping thought pulled at my heart- the thought of wrapping presents tore it into a million pieces. I simply thought- "maybe I'll get Dora or princess wrapping paper"... The next thing I know, (domino effect) I'm huge and pregnant sitting on my living room floor wrapping up toys and looking at my tired and sickly little mama who had just randomly showed up at my house. When she walked in my front door, she literally collapsed onto the couch because she was so tired. The 15 minute drive to my house wore her out. The kids were in the bed for nap time, so it was just us two. She was barely talking and looking back, I think I know why. She was using every tiny bit of energy she had left in her body to spend time with us. As she would have good days and bad days through her fight she would say "sorry I haven't been talking too much... I have felt so bad I just didn't want to talk". I know that as she laid silently on my couch that day, it was because she was just feeling pitiful. Too tired to even speak. I also know that she forced her body to drive there, because she knew something I didn't. She knew time was very, very limited. I kinda wish that pregnant girl had thrown the nap schedule away and woke up the Neva and Nori to come and see her. They can't see her now... I remember trying my best to look at my wrapping and not look at her, because it was tearing me up how bad she looked. I wish I had been strong enough to just stare at her, difficult or not. I wish I had walked over to the couch and made her scoot over so I could lay with her, because I would give anything to see her and feel her now. These memories and hundreds more have plagued me in the last few days. Yes, I have been overwhelmed by sadness. I can't even escape it in my sleep, because I've even been dreaming about her as well. One night I dreamed she and I were talking and laughing, then in a snap she was limp on the floor. I was screaming for help, but none came. I held her there in my arms and told her I loved her. I was crying. And just before I woke up, she told me back. I awoke crying, and couldn't help but see the similarities in real life. After all, it feels like one minute, we were together and laughing.....And the next, she was gone forever. And there was no one that could help me.

This season and all the absolute joy I feel, (because I do feel overly blessed), has also freshened my heartache and perhaps taken it to a new level.....Is that a contradiction too? I am good at those. I am happy, but I am hurting worse than ever. It may not make sense, but I promise it's true. I feel as though I need her more than ever and at times--her memory is so vivid I can feel her. I can smell her. You would think that "presence" would help, but so far it has just fueled the pain.

Literally ALL I want for Christmas this year, is something I can never, ever have again. I want a hug from my sweet Mama.

So, yesterday as I stared at little Miss Lady Bug riding on my window, holding on with all her little might, I felt a connection to her. Perhaps, we are all a little like her. We are taking a very unpredictable ride. There are dips, and turns and it can be pretty bumpy. We literally feel the weight of the world pushing against us sometimes. It is scary, because we don't know what will happen next. It is sad, because we know that where ever we are going, isn't the same as where we have been. But this ride, this crazy thing we call "life" it brings some great things too. And those things make the pain, the fear, the tears and the sadness all worth it. As we reached our destination and that tough little tiny lady bug went from the window, to my hand, to her new home--I couldn't help but think that, we too,  must be tough like her and hang on tight. After all, we are in the hands of our "Driver" as well. And our Driver is compassionate and loving. I've needed Him more than ever in my Mom's absence, and He saves me from this world and from myself everyday. Though there may be turbulence, things we don't understand and fear of the unknown along the trip, we must trust Him. He will guide us to our final destination. So, let's sit back and try our best to enjoy the ride.

I praise my God for guiding me along this journey.

Flip Floppin'

I just wanted to report that I have had a pretty good couple of days! I know this is subject to change next week, tomorrow, even five minutes from now. But for right now, I am quite alright.

 I decorated Mom's grave for the holidays. I used some garland and I fixed up some vases that I got from Wal-Mart with some festive flowers and greenery. I am not quite finished yet, but I think she would like it. At least, that's what I thought as I stepped back and took it in.

Sunday, I took Neva, Nori, and my niece Rylee to the Laurel cinema to see Rise of The Guardians. I have to tell you, the movie was awesome! And sitting in that uncramped theater, and not worrying that I would lose a kid in the crowd was incredible. It made me wonder why I always head toward Hattiesburg to watch a movie. Totally pointless. We had a great time, but by the time we left I was itching to see my little Mili, (who had stayed with my mother in law). We put up our tree that night and the kids decorated it and the whole house.

Wednesday, I tried to make a donut bread pudding (a great way to use day-old donuts). It would have been pretty good, had I remembered to put SUGAR in it! It smelled like buttered bread. So, I made up a glaze using milk, powdered sugar, butter and vanilla and poured it over my savory donuts. I took it to bible study with me and it was a hit! Some how, some way, it turned out pretty good. Everyone was asking me for the recipe.... I'll probably never be able to make it like that again!

Friday was my dad's birthday. Though we are all not the closest in the world, it sure felt nice hanging out with him on his special day. Ronnie grilled him a slab of every animal in the forest and sky and I provided the German chocolate cake (his favorite). I can remember vividly throughout my childhood, smelling some sweet deliciousness baking in the kitchen and excitedly asking mama what it was......The answer was the same most every time "German chocolate cake". Just before she passed we jokingly asked mama why she didn't venture out in the cake department while we were growing up...She laughed and replied "it was your daddy's favorite". She never stopped loving my daddy. I thought of her, as we cut the cake. We sang to him and sat around enjoying each other's company.

 Then today, I awoke in a panic! (I may be feeling better, but I am not sleeping better). So I jumped up half asleep this morning running around like crazy trying to get ready for the annual Christmas Parade. This is something I typically enjoyed with my Mom....and again I did find myself thinking of her....But not in a sad way. We arrived an HOUR EARLY and still there was no parking.... The girls really LOVED it this year. Except the loud noises...Mili wasn't a fan of the loud noises. The float creativity seemed to be on a different level this year! Everything was swamp themed in honor of the special guests: RJ and Jay Paul from Swamp People. I thoroughly enjoyed waving Mili's little hand at all the passersby and hearing the constant flow of "MOM LOOK!" "MAMA DID YOU SEE?!?!" from the Neva and Nori. I hate that time is passing by, but I truly enjoy their company more and more each day. They are maturing into the cutest little travel companions. Their sense of wonder and curiosity remind me to chill out, slow down and take in the details that we grown ups tend to overlook.

Afterwards, I went to do what I have done for years now.....Put up my mama's Christmas tree. Actually, I went to put up Ronnie's Christmas tree. Of course, I found myself reminiscing about last year...As I put the lights on her tree, I was huge and pregnant, and she kept telling me to sit down and rest. The girls were asleep. She was having a bad day and she kept going to lay in her bed....Then coming right back down the hall saying: "I feel bad leaving you in here, baby"....and I'd say "I'm fine, mom! Go to bed!", Though she wanted her tree up, and her living room to look festive, she begged me to just sit down and relax. I begged her to just go to bed and rest. This was the time of year that we were finishing a lot of decorative type things in her house. We knew that her time was growing short and we were trying desperately to make some of her dreams come true. She always wanted pretty things in her house, but never found the extra money to get them. And we never quite found the time or extra money to get them for her. We painted reorganized, redecorated, etc....And it made her smile, but material things were now frivolous to her. I've said this before: She had changed at this point. Carpet was "just carpet". The furniture was "just furniture". She just wanted more time. I wish I could have given her the world in those days. I would have made her wildest dreams come true....But more time? Unfortunately, I couldn't give her that. Nor could anyone. But, I gave her all of my time. And whether she wanted it or not, I did those pretty little things around the house that she had always wanted. And soon, though I was super sized,  I got her very last Christmas tree up and the girl's decorated it and the stockings were hung. She loved it! Of course I could have just sat down like she asked, and she would have loved that too. I kept flashing back today, as I watched the kids decorate the tree and talked with Ronnie about old times. She has never felt more absent to me, than she did today as I did all this without her watching me and loving me.


 Like I said, I am doing better. Perhaps I am healing, perhaps the extra time I have spent in Scripture is paying off, perhaps its just a couple good days. Either way, I am doing pretty good. I'll take it, because I've got a tough season ahead of me...The Christmas Season. It is so rich with memories and it tugs at my heart as each day passes and the holiday gets closer. She would want me happy. She would want me to enjoy Christmas and just enjoy life. I am trying....I sure hope this light heart lasts.

Time Heals All Wounds....(I hope)

"I will tell you what's wrong with you, Nik, you're stuck in that bedroom. Don't feel bad-- we all have depressed days. There's part of each of us still in that bedroom".
                                                                                              ----my big brother
                                                                                  (earlier today on the phone)



Today, Michael announced that he had the morning off (this is a RARE occurrence. Aside from vacation, I can count his days off on two hands in the last TWO years....), and he would be spending the day at the deer camp. My husband is a die hard hunter and because of his work schedule he hasn't been hunting even once this year. That's so unreal I can't even begin to explain it to you. So, when he also threw out the idea that Neva and Nori go with him to hunt today, I was equally excited and confused. First of all, the moments I've spent away from my children since my mom passed can still be calculated in "moments". We haven't graduated to hours, or entire days yet. So--I was excited for the break. But this dude has been itching...I mean HURTING to go hunting--so I was confused. I mean, there are a lot of things my kids can do: count in Spanish, destroy a bedroom rock star style, spell their names, shatter glass with their high pitch shrills,  hit a baseball, fight over nothing, ride bikes like champs.....but they CANNOT be quiet. They can't. It's a fact. Nori literally doesn't know how to whisper. Like at all. Neva knows how, but forgets mid sentence. But, he mentioned it in front of them, so whether he wanted to back out or not was irrelevant. They were too excited at that point. Since Mili alone is a piece of cake, immediately the possibilities of how I would spend my day started flowing through my mind....

1. grocery shopping drama free
2. walking the track at the park (Mili in the stroller) without any bike wrecks or stopping to tie a shoe 15,000 times.
3. cleaning my house....like really clean, not a lick and a promise.
4. Christmas shopping (immediately crossed off)
5. Writing (I've started writing again here and there...not just blogging...It gives me an outlet and I thoroughly enjoy it).

But, before they even pulled out of the yard, I kind of already knew what I was going to do. It wasn't on the list I made earlier. I closed the front door and locked it. Mili had just went down for a nap. So, I went and got in my bed. It's the first time I have really been alone since I was in the hospital after having Mili. I laid there and thought about Mom. I cried silently under my covers. I sniffled and wiped away my tears. I knew what would happen if I didn't get up. I told myself to snap out of it and get out of the house. But, I laid there anyway. I cried myself to sleep. I slept until Mili woke up, which was about 3 hours later. Which is when my brother called. I was still a little teary when I talked to him. He was alarmed when he found out I had slept my "day off" away. He thinks I might need medicine for my depression. I am on the fence about it. I AM sad. That's for sure. BUT, I'm supposed to be, right? When does sadness become abnormal? If I was cutting cartwheels and all high fives--that would be more ABnormal, right?  I'm functioning. I'm bathing. I'm eating. I'm cooking and cleaning (somewhat). I play with my girls. I sing to them. I love them and show them all day every day. I work very hard to be "me" for them. I don't laugh a lot, but I DO laugh here and there. I know that I am blessed. BUT, on the flip side, I am super sleepy all the time. I have insomnia at night. I have this little guilty feeling that lingers around all the time about different things. I don't think that clearly (just today I made a bread pudding and forgot to put sugar in it). And as you know, I cry every chance I get. I'd say I cry about once a day or every other day. Usually when the kids and Michael are asleep. I don't know if I need medicine, though. Possibly. But, perhaps I just need to heal. These things take time, right? My brother told me "there's no shame in it". Well, I agree. But, if I can beat this thing on my own, and with the power of prayer, that's how I prefer to do it. I've given myself a timeline. If I make it to just after the first of the year....around the end of February to be exact (a little over a  year after mom's passing), I will have officially experienced all the firsts without her. All the big ones anyway. If I am still the same, if I haven't got any better, then I will see a dr, and hear his recommendations. Michael thinks I am fine. He says I was doing great, as far as he could tell, until Halloween. I agree with him. I felt great there for a while. The class I took at Journey helped tremendously. I mean, there were still bad days. But, the good far outnumbered the bad. Then came fall and all these firsts. It's definitely got me down. And now comes the biggest one. Christmas. This literally could be the toughest season of my life. She was SO crazy about Christmas...and we were always together during this time. She always had to sneak off to get my gifts, because if I knew she was going shopping I would invite myself. Even though I hate the crowds, I love buying for other people and I loved shopping with her. This season is FULL of her, and "us". But, if I can just tough it out until the first of the year, I think I can conquer this.


 Ronnie is right. There IS a part of me still in that bedroom holding mom's hand....waiting nervously for her chest to rise and fall yet again. Part of me wants her to keep breathing. Part of me hopes she lets go so that she can be free. All of me hurts. But, still I am there. Waiting. Hoping. Hurting.



If time heals all wounds, then I think I just need a little more time. I believe that with time, I will find my way out of that bedroom, and back to being myself and living this beautiful life I am so thankful for.

 "....anything is possible if a person believes...." Mark 9:23 NLT.




(by the way, the hunting trip didn't result in a freezer full of deer meat--but Michael survived and the girls had a blast)


Happy Thanksgiving

• She used to call me first thing and say "Happy Thanksgiving!"
• I would wonder how she was so upbeat....I couldn't quit freaking out.
• She told me not to worry when I told her I was going to be late...
• When I shared my fears about my dishes, she assured me that even if it was burnt, everyone would love it.
• She had so much more to prepare, but finished so much earlier than me.
• She arrived early to sit and talk with my papaw without everyone around.
• She remembered the cranberry sauce that only 3 out of 30 people ate.
• She called me when I was 30 minutes late, to make sure I was ok.
• She asked me if I had a good time with Michael's family. I told her "yes, but it was rushed again".
• She was proud that we made our rounds and no one was left out.
• When we arrived, I looked for her. Unlike the others, I saw her daily. But hers was the face I searched for.
• I walked in the living room and kissed my Papaw.
• Before kids, I spent my time following her from room to room. She couldn't sit anywhere long.
• Actually, it seems like all the action, all the laughter and fun followed her too.
• After kids, she followed them, and I kicked back.
• She ate and chewed with her mouth partially open. Steadily talking and carrying on.
• She laughed the loudest and it echoed through Papaw's old house.
• I was laughing too. I was different then.
• I hugged her repeatedly. 
• She kissed my cheek each time.
• She bragged on my food.
• I checked in with Papaw here and there. He sat in the quiet end of the house.
• He would tell me the same stories, but I listened to them like it was the first time I ever heard them.
• He called me "Nik'ems" and gave me stubbly kisses.  
•  Mama, broke as can be, would try and persuade everyone to draw names for Christmas....Or we would try to agree on playing Dirty Santa, or not.... But as our family grew, we only bought for the little ones.
• She loved the fun that giving gifts brought to the hoilday.
• We fixed to-go plates. Mom made sure all of her GROWN kids had supper for later.
• Then, she would strategically wait until Punkin washed all the dishes, and ask "You need help?" with a smirk and a little giggle.
• She was the first to arrive, but one of the last to leave.
• She headed out before dark, because she needed to get on home, and rest....She had work the next day and "3:30 will be here in a minute".
• I would call her on my way home and we would talk about our meal and what I missed and she missed through the day.
• She and Ronnie would be nearly home and Michael would be driving us home as well.
• Even though we had been together for hours, I felt a twinge of sadness. After several years of marriage, it still felt foreign to be away from her even for a minute on a holiday.
• When I got home, I called her again. She obliged my stalking and never acted annoyed.
•  I would restate "Happy Thanksgiving Mom"...
• And she would reply "Happy Thanksgiving, Baby. I love you"
• Just before I hung up, I would tell her what I long to tell her now....."I love you".

I miss the little things about this day, from just two short years ago. We all have so much to be thankful for. But, it can be turned upside down and flipped around in the blink of an eye. So, cherish this day with your loved ones. Running from house to house is stressful, but come on, it's ONE day. I hope you and your families eat, drink, hug, laugh and love today.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all!

Thankful As Can Be

Little Poot

 

Mama sat rocking in her old rocking chair,

Running her fingers through her baby girl's hair.

Full of love and happiness--her heart was busting at the seams

And racing through her mind, were countless hopes and dreams.

She kissed the baby softly, and placed her in her bed.

But before she walked away--this is what she said:

 

Little Poot, Little Poot,

So cuddly and sweet.

I'll give you smoochie woochies

from your head to your feet.

Soon you will grow up, and your greatness

the world will see....

But Mama's Little Poot,

forever you'll be...

 

The baby grew, and grew and grew......

She grew into an adventurous little girl....

 

 

One day between making mud pies and climbing trees,

The little girl fell and scraped both her knees.

Mama to the rescue! With bandaids and an ice cream cone.

And just like that, all the tears were gone.

Just before the little girl ran off to continue with her play,

Mama stole a hug and kiss and proceeded to say:

 

 

Little Poot, Little Poot

You're getting so big and strong,

but I still kiss your ouchies and sing you silly songs.

You're growing up fast,

but I hope you still see,

that Mama's Little Poot,

forever you'll be....

 

The girl grew and grew and grew.....

She grew into an independent teenager.....

 

While talking on the phone, one cold Winter night,

the girl and her friend had a very big fight.

Mama took advantage of this rare moment to hold her.

As the girl cried and cried right on Mama's shoulder.

Though it wasn't something the girl wanted to hear,

Before Mama left, she whispered this in her ear:

 

Little Poot, Little Poot

so beautiful and smart,

I'll help you pick up the pieces of your precious broken heart.

You think you're grown up,

 and don't need me...

But Mama's Little Poot,

forever you'll be......

 

The girl grew and grew and grew....

She grew into a beautiful young woman.

 

She moved away into a house of her own.

But she visited Mama, and they often spoke on the phone.

Suddenly Mama grew ill and weak,

her once vibrant body was now tired and meek.

One day while while Mama was in bed,

the girl climbed in and gently kissed her head.

Mama smiled softly, and let out a little sigh.

Then gave her special girl a familiar reply:

 

Little Poot, Little Poot

I'm so proud of you.

You've filled my life with love and made my dreams come true.

My time is growing short,

so I hope you always see....

That Mama's little Poot,

forever you'll be.

 

The girl grew and grew and grew....

She grew into a Mama.

 

 

Mama sat rocking in her old rocking chair,

Running her fingers through her baby girl's hair.

Full of love and happiness--her heart was busting at the seams

And racing through her mind, were countless hopes and dreams.

She kissed the baby softly, and placed her in her bed.

But before she walked away--

Guess what she said....

 

 

 

For my girls....Thank you for reminding me each day that time continues to tick and the world keeps turning. Tomorrow becomes yesterday in a blink. I will cherish each moment spent with you. I am MOST thankful for you three...My very own little poots.

I love you with all my heart, bushel and a peck, hug around the neck. 

My Daughters' Eyes

I started this blog with a vow to myself that I would be honest and raw about my feelings and the experiences that accompany caring for a family member with a terminal illness. So far, I have never sugarcoated my feelings or fluffed things up for  you. The days that I was so low that it may have alarmed you, I refrained from writing (there have been some low times). But when I did write, I told you exactly what was on my mind and in my heart. If I am putting all this in writing to help someone going through a similar situation, it wouldn't be effective if I was all unicorns and rainbows. I won't tell you I am confident, when I have doubts. I won't tell you I am happy, when I am sad. I won't tell you my faith has alleviated my pain, when I still hurt. I think this honesty is part of my healing process. Maybe if I recognize my feelings, and call them exactly what they are, then perhaps I can overcome them. And maybe, just possibly, help somebody who's reading my words fight through their own situation (whatever it may be) as well.

Having said that...This is kind of dark.

Until Neva's gymnastics this afternoon, I have not left my house since our Thanksgiving celebration ended Sunday. Some of you may go days without leaving your house, and think nothing of this. I don't. I get out, usually, everyday. Don't get me wrong, Sunday was a good day. I enjoyed spending time with my family, and I pretty much made it to the end of the day before I really cried. We laughed. We ate. We came together and it was good. The days leading up to our gathering were not great, but, I slipped into something...some kind of funk...as I drove away that evening. I have functioned enough to feed my kids and give them the most basic of care. But nothing extra. I have found myself laying around in my pajamas, barely speaking, ignoring phone calls, and crying at the drop of a hat. I try to tell myself that they don't notice, but it is completely out of character for me to turn the tv to cartoons and barely interact with them--so they know something's up. Then, when the day ends, and I realize I've barely laughed with my girls, or played with them, or been the mom I always wanted to be....Then, the guilt sets in and makes my existing depression even worse. I have lost myself.

This afternoon, when I was forced to leave home because Neva had gymnastics--I started to feel a little better. I got dressed and got the kids ready. Mili stayed with Michael's mom, so I really got some quality time with the older girls. Though it took alot of effort on my part, we talked a little on the way to Oak Grove. Then, Nori sat in my lap and smacked on some chips while we watched Neva through the observation window. It is a thought that has always lingered in my mind "am I good enough?" pertaining to my parenting abilities. I try so hard, but when something doesn't pan out, I beat myself up---really badly. So, my couple of days spent feeling sorry for myself--feels like the ultimate failure. Like I have scarred them because I didn't tickle them, I traumatized them because there was no art activity planned or trip to the park...."They must hate me", is what I was thinking to myself as I sat there. I am sitting there with self doubting thoughts in my head and Nori in my lap, her curly hair tickling my face. Then, Neva walks by with her teachers and fellow tumblers and she smiles so warmly and waves excitedly......  the look in her eyes was....... love. Hands down, head over heels love for her Mommy... then, she blew me a kiss. I teared up, and my heart skipped a beat. Literally in that moment, Nori looked up at me and gave me a kiss. And just like that, I knew that I had done something right.

It is true, I have had a couple bad days...and I am sure there are more to come. But, for every two bad days, there are hundreds of great ones. It took the innocent smile of a child and the look of love in her big blue eyes to remind me of my worth and strengthen my desire to be ME. I heard my mom in my heart, telling me that I am a great mother and my kids are lucky to have me. And it inspired me to be better, try harder and beat this thing that is trying to rule my life. I will not let my sadness overtake all the happiness in my life. I will NOT.

I felt lighter driving home. I found myself smiling a bit at their silly little jokes. I found me. I'm still here.....I am just buried underneath the weight of a broken heart. I will dig myself out. And when I get lost again, I will look for the light to lead me back home. The light of the love in my children. God gave them this light, but I help keep it bright everyday by showing them they are my world.

This is tough.

But I am tougher.

I can do this.

I will do this.

9 Months

Dear Mama,

Yesterday marked exactly nine months since you left me and went to Heaven. A lot of things have changed. It kills me that you are not here with me to see...the girls, me, life...everything... I have had my hardest days in the last couple months. Some days I am ok. Other days, I feel I cannot take one more breath without you. With Halloween and all the activities that Fall brings, I have been sadder than ever. We just got back from our mountains trip. I felt you there with me. I know you watched over us. But I missed you so. Though the trip was great, I came home worse than I left, emotionally. I have been crying way too much and having to put forth way too much effort to be happy.

Friday, I went to the grocery store and got my Thanksgiving groceries, since we are celebrating with your sisters and brother this afternoon. As I walked the aisles grabbing ingredients that I rarely buy, I was reminded of us doing it together. Or at least going over our lists together over the phone to make sure we remembered everything. I would always try to make a hundred dishes and you would tell me to chill out when I couldn't pull it all together and I started panicking. These memories were overtaking me. Then, I came to the cranberry sauce. The gross kind that is in the can and jellied, so that when you dump it, it keeps the shape of the can. When I saw this, I had to pay and leave Wal-mart immediately. I was so upset I felt as though I would lay in the floor and cry, similar to a tantrum throwing toddler. It wasn't until I made it to the car and unloaded my groceries that saw the can of cranberry sauce through the plastic of the bag. I slowly reached for it. It dawned on me, that as I stood in the store reminiscing about you fixing your plate at Papaws and putting a big dollop of the jellied stuff on your dressing, I apparently tossed it in my buggy as I fought my tears and headed to check out. I kept it in my lap all the way to the cemetery, where I stopped and cried by your grave. It's something so small, but like everything else, it is so full of you. You are everywhere in my mind and my heart. Yet you are nowhere to be found here on earth.

I found myself calling Br. Robby in tears last night, begging him for some advice from scripture to aid me through today, my first Thanksgiving without you. He was sympathetic to my pain, but as always, he reminded me of your condition in Heaven. He told me "as much as she loved y'all and didn't want to leave y'all, if she was given the choice--she would not come back here". That was a huge realization for me. Because just like you were our everything, we were yours. So, to know that you are so happy, so perfect, so knowing and complete now, eased my pain. He always seems so positive and upbeat about lost loved ones and where they are now. I figured he might think I was feeling sorry for myself, or being a bit dramatic by the way I was crying and expressing my deep rooted sadness. I told him "I try so hard to not be so down. I know I should be happy for her". He told me, that it's a common misconception to think that when you become a Christian that everything is happy-go-lucky. He said there is still pain, and sorrow and anguish...because we are part of a fallen creation. So, I guess I am not that crazy for hurting to the extent that I do. But, thinking of you, I mean fully envisioning you in my mind's-eye-view of Heaven--cancer free, healthy and happy and waiting patiently while we live our short lives here--it really does make me feel better. He told me some verses in the bible that might help. So in between baking and cooking, I spent the night in scripture and praying for some relief from this sting in my heart.

This morning I woke up and made your potato salad. I made your deviled eggs. There was no phone call like usual. We would talk a couple different times about what dishes we had done and what we lacked. I would panic, you would calm me down. Then you would talk to your sisters over the phone on and off all morning until you headed to Papaws house, where we spent every holiday that I've been alive to see.......Until this year, that is.

This is my first Thanksgiving without you. In a minute I will load everything up and head to Ronnie's house, which is where we are celebrating. I will do my best to be me. But, I can't remember who I am--so it will be a difficult task. I will try to hold my tears. I will try to smile. I will try not just to make it through today--but really experience today--with you in my heart. I am so thankful I had you, even for a moment. I am thankful you gave me life. I am thankful you gave me my brothers. I am thankful you were my friend. I am thankful for my memories. I am thankful you bonded so sweetly with my kids. But more than anything, I am thankful you are where you want to be. I am thankful you are healthy and perfect with God now. What is an earthly lifetime without you, compared to eternity with you? I can do this. I am going to go live now, Mama. I will see you soon.

I love you so much.

Love,

Nikki

Picture Overload

He was so proud of his work.

This is right before we left. Their shoes were on. Hair was brushed. It didn't last.

Michael? He worked at the donut shop from around 4 until we left...So he wasn't super alert.

 

The trees along the way were incredible. I drove most of the way---so I didn't get a lot of pictures.

 

He tried to sleep, but it's nearly impossible with our girls in the car...

 

They did pretty good. They snacked the whole time. The two little ones took a good nap in the car and woke up happy.

 

Neva dozed off as we entered Pigeon Forge.

 

And did not wake up happy.

 

We FINALLY reached our lodge to retrieve our key. 

 

I was apprehensive about the cabin... 

But it was perfect for us!

Super cozy and super spacious.

 

The stairs kind of freaked me out. They did last year too. Last year I was so worried mom would slip and fall.

 

 This year, I was super paranoid about the girls running up and down and getting hurt. I kept them blocked off for most of the trip.

The loft, where Michael received plenty of spankings at the pool table.

 

Grocery store at 10:00 at night!

 

This baby DOES NOT stay up past 9...EVER. She was exhausted!

 

We had groceries, but were too tired to cook....So we grabbed some pizza. Me and the kids waited in the car...

 

While Michael waited on our food and texted with me.

 

 

First night!

 

Mili was out. She didn't wait for a bath or pajamas..

The front of our cabin in the morning light...

 

And the beautiful and STEEP view from the back.

 

 

It was breathtaking.

Day 1 was spent at the indoor pool.

Though the room was warm, the water was FREEZING!

So Mili and I sat out on the swimming...

 

Just the two of us and a gourmet meal...

 

That night, we went to The Track...

 

I couldn't watch. Like I told you, I get motion sickness easily. They were spinning like crazy on this thing. They are their daddy's kids, because they were LOVING it!

 

Michael with the sleepy face again.

My big baby driving like a nascar champion.

 

My little baby distracted with a kiddie ride.

 

My Tiny baby cheering them on...

 

Next came Christmas lights. My pictures did them no justice.

Finally came supper. Ribs for Mili! (the perfect teething apparatus)

 

Mili, pulling up because she's all hyped up on ribs.

Mornings on the deck.

Makeup and hair brushing was optional. I opted out.

 

That was the laziest day that we had. We stayed home all day.

 

Michael and the girls made hamburgers for lunch.

 

Notice the rain drops? I did.

 

Then after nap time, we went to the aquarium.

 

I love to see them have fun.

 

She's so sweet.

 

WE LOVED THE AQUARIUM!

 

The girls were running around super excited....But to be honest, Michael and I were equally as excited.

 

Mili was very content with her ride as well.

 

That night, we did artwork with Dad.

 

Our Touristy Day!

We headed to Gatlinburg!

 

 

 

Ripley's started out great with a HUGE Optimus prime in the front room!

 

We found out that surprisingly, Michael  is not the tallest man ever...

 

I need this huge chair to read stories to my girls in. The recliner doesn't hold 4 of us very comfortably.

All in all, Ripley's was too spooky for the girls. So, we headed toward the mirror maze.

First stop the Fudge Shoppe.

 

My sweet Mama, one short year ago.

 

Then we were lured in to a shop where we met a band and listened to some authentic blue grass music...

 

 

Finally, the maze. I didn't get any good pics in the maze, but it was cute!

 

 

 Here is the candy factory in the lobby. The girls got huge lolly pops!

 

Mili has her own built-in lolly pop.

 

The "extra" day

 

We went to the park and played.

 

It was just a roadside park between Galtinburg and Pigeon Forge....

 

But the girls had a blast!

 

It was an interesting story of a business man turned restaurant owner/cook.  

 

Then came lunch at JT Hannahs. The tea was great. The food was good....Going down, that is.

 

We went home, then later that night, we went to Whaley's (the cute little store I told you about).

 

I LOVED THIS LITTLE STORE. I kept telling the girls "don't touch anything".

 

I literally felt like a kid in a candy shop.

 

We got the stuff we needed, then went home to make homemade milkshakes.

 

Mili approved of our work.

 

Just before we left. One last look at the view.

 

Goodbye Cabin ;(

 

Hello ALL-DAY road trip home :/

The kids did great!

This time, I kicked back.

 

This guy drove the whole way.

 

7 "short" hours later....

Time to unpack.....

 

My dream home is located here.