I never knew being a parent was so cut throat, until I actually began to interact with parents that aren't my friends. The other day, I was talking to two beautifully pregnant women. While they were around my age, I felt the wiser of the three of us because of my "been there, done that" experience in the field of gestational engineering. They each had one child and were expecting their second. The conversation was going back and forth with "what if's" and "should I's", so I took the opportunity to share my experience in having my second child, Nori. I offered my laid-back-slightly-southern-and-totally-oldschool-approach-to-parenting, anecdotes, and received stares that shamed me to silence. Apparently, 10 months, (Neva), 7 months (Nori), 3 months (Mili) and 6 months (Maxx), isn't long enough to breastfeed. Apparently, that is a pitiful effort. 2 years is much better. Supplementing until the breastmilk comes in, (which I did with two of my girls) is unacceptable. Pacifiers, (which all of mine took accept Mili, who instead took a thumb...... and still does) are not an option. Letting the baby sleep in the nursery after delivery, (which is amazing...), is practically neglect because of the bond that will forever remain unformed. Using an epidural, (which I begged for like a crazy person when I had Maxx), is unnecessary.....McDonald's? no way. Sugary snacks? not hardly. Not organic? inedible....Suddenly, I didn't feel so wise. Suddenly, my confidence was jaded. Suddenly, I was not so great of a mom, after all.
Michael is short handed at the shop right now. So I've been helping out here and there. As you working parents know, this isn't an easy chore. Your "day" actually starts the night before with picking snacks and choosing outfits and packing diaper bags etc. In the morning, after getting the two littles to Mrs. Becky, I run Neva to school as she eats a solo cup of applejacks with a plastic spoon and practices her spelling words while smacking. Then, Nori and I go to work. It's a production....a complicated dance that I am desperately trying to learn the steps to. But Michael needs me, and I want to be there for him....So, after working Monday and Tuesday, it hits me that Neva has a project due Wednesday! I knew she wanted to use candy in the diorama, so I flew to Wal-mart for supplies and then back to Ms. Becky's for the littles (Michael picked up Neva to alleviate a little stress). The next THREE HOURS were spent working with Neva and hearing her intelligent and creative ideas and helping her create them and handle the adult scissors and hot glue gun safely. All this while trying to keep Maxx and Mili occupied and letting Nori help so she wouldn't feel left out. Finally, it was done. And it was so cuuute!! Then immediately came the nightly marathon of supper and baths and teeth brushing and getting ready for the following day. I intended to ask my mother in law to help me this morning, as I knew I would have to carry the project in for Neva. But, I was exhausted and distracted and I forgot until it was too late. I assured myself I would do it the next morning.
This morning, we jumped up running and took off to the school. we were about half way there when I realized that I didn't lock down plans for my MIL to watch the girls. I was going to call. Then I looked over in the passenger seat at the project that was falling apart with each bump that I hit. I whirled in Lakeside grocery and grabbed some super glue for touch up, then headed to the school. That's when I realized I didn't call her, yet again, to come meet us. At his point, we are at the school. There's no time to wait for help. So, I make a politically incorrect decision to leave my three littles in the car and run Neva's project in. Now I, like you, am very aware of the headlines in today's news. Kidnappings, hot car deaths etc...These things literally keep me up at night. I have pure cried over little Cooper Harris, and the senseless and horrific fate he suffered. However, I am not the parent that says that "it couldn't happen to me". While the details of some of these cases contradict it truly being an accident, I do know these accidents can happen. I know how distracting parenting can be. One day a while back, I got all the kids out of the car and headed in the house. I was putting away my refrigerated stuff when I realized Maxx was still in the car. We are talking 5 minutes, but it showed me that it absolutely can happen to anyone....well, some of us, anyway. I leave the girls in the car fairly often, I won't lie. I leave it running so it's plenty cool and lock it and run in the store to get a loaf of bread or to pay for gas etc. I have literally never had a problem. Now, when Mili learns to unbuckle herself, I will have to rethink ever doing that. But for now, Neva and Nori know better than to mess with the locks or to unbuckle their seat belts. They are not allowed to speak to ANYONE even if they know them. No eye contact at all. I have tested them by sending out a friend or family member and they both have passed several times. Still, this is not something I do light heartedly. It is not something I enjoy or take advantage of. It is literally a move I make hesitantly out of sheer desperation to take care of my duties as a wife and mother, with as little drama as possible. So anyway, back to today. I carry Neva's project inside for her. On the way in, she looks up at me sweetly and says "I love my project, Mom. It was so fun. I love you". My head started to swell a little. I felt like I might be one of those master parents again..Wise beyond my years and those who need advice can seek it from me: "the parenting guru". Not really, but I did feel good about all the chaos resulting in a great memory for my baby, Neva. I sat her diorama down, then I walked her to Bible Club. As I left the school, I said "have a good day" to the several teachers on the sidewalk helping children out of their vehicles in the drop-off line. When I made it to the last teacher she said "There is a lady standing by your van watching your kids". My heart sank. "What!?!" I asked, at first thinking of her as a predator. I began to walk faster and almost broke into a sprint. I squint my eyes as the sun blinds me bouncing off of the pavement and though it's blurry, I see a female, standing beside my van with her hands on her hips. I couldn't quite make her out until I got a bit closer. She was around my age, and looked familiar, though I can't say I know her. She glared at me as if I was a common street thug out mugging elderly people. Then I realized, I was the predator. I immediately got a lump in my throat. She said "I saw your little girl moving around in there and I thought she was alone, then I realized there were more." Her tone was irritated. I am assuming she pressed her face against my tinted windows to learn of the little two. I felt angry at her audacity. I felt embarrassed, because through her "concern" she found it necessary to somehow alert the teachers on duty. I am assuming she yelled to them to gain optimal attention, I don't know. I also felt angry at myself for going against my gut and not confirming some help in time to get everything done. The gas station is one thing, but the school is something different, I suppose. I couldn't see them through a window, like usual. She scolded me that Nori could have knocked it out of gear. I assured her that wasn't possible, I mean I guess technically it is possible. If Nori unbuckled, then unbuckled Mili (which she cant), then they hatched a plan that one would push the brake on my 2013 automatic transmission minivan that doesn't "knock out of gear" easily, and the other would use small motor strength and skill that they neither currently possess to press the button and pull the shift down out of gear....It's totally possible I guess... Just not likely. I suppose in the fluke case that their plan was successful, she was going to hurl herself in front of the van to protect the ditch from harm. And it was ALL about the kids and their safety so she drew lots of attention to herself, "the hero". Though I wanted to say so much, I just smiled. It was a fake smile, so it probably looked a bit psychotic adding to my persona of "unfit parent" I had created for myself. I thanked her for her unnecessary concern. Then, mortified, and once again reminded that I am not a pro-parent after all, I got in the car and cried the whole way home.
We've all been there I think.... Perhaps not getting busted, leaving the kids in the car, but just being made to feel inadequate. We see a woman a month after she gave birth and she looks better than she did before, while after 10 months post baby, we struggle to chip away at the excess weight one lb at a time. We see a family in a restaurant and the kids are behaving perfectly while our own have spilled two drinks and one kid is under the table throwing a tantrum. We go in Walmart and...Well, I've told you my Walmart story. Parents all around us are handling things with ease and while perfectly dressed and groomed and we are hanging on by a thread while unable to quickly recall the last relaxing bath we took, and for that matter, the last 5 minute shower.... And you Facebook folks have it worse.....From what I understand, it's nonstop with the "look at my perfect life" snaps and selfies. The comparisons we inflict upon ourselves, from which we find ourselves not quite measuring up, are usually based on nothing more than a photo or quick glance from the outside. These comparisons are brutal and unnecessary. They render us defeated, when most of us didn't realize we were in the game. Should we stop our children from behaving well, or stop smiling in public or posting happy pictures or photos of things that make us feel proud, for fear it will bring someone else down? Absolutely not, I say. Be proud, smile big and post away. Instead, let us browsers and observers remind ourselves that, just like every book, there is much more to it than the just the cover. There are things about each person we meet, that we do not know, and perhaps will never know. Good things. Bad things. Complicated things. And sad things. That criminal parent you met at the school, who was so terrible and negligent to leave her children unattended in the car, might be the wife of a workaholic, the daughter of a fallen cancer fighter, the daughter-in-law of a disabled stroke victim, and the mother of 4 little girls with only 2 arms to attend to them. She might not have an abundance of help in her day to day life and has developed customs and patterns, that you may or may not agree with, to handle things all on her own. She may not be a terrible and negligent criminal of a parent after all.....She might love her kids more than the air she breathes. Let's leave our assumptions at the gate.
Some say there is no "perfect life". Well I, for one, disagree. I am living mine. My "perfect life" is ever changing and filled with joy, pain, disappointment, pride, arguments, hugs and kisses, mistakes, hard lessons, and tons of laughter and love. Yes, my version of a "perfect life" definitely looks very different than the stereotypical image of perfection, and more than likely it looks very different from your version.... And that's quite alright. I am so glad there are people out there that excel in different things. Some are better decorators. Some are better at balancing life, work/family etc. Some are more stylish. Some are better and more patient with kids. Some are incredible cooks. And you know what, I congratulate them! That's wonderful! If that's you, be proud of your talents! Some, and I do mean a select few, they have it all. And if that is you should be proud of yourself as well, because it is noooo easy task. But, when you see those of us that are really good at trying hard, just give us a break. I want to throw it out there: I never joined the league of competitive parenting. I didnt. Why? Because I can't win. Not even close. I am very, very aware that I am not going to win any parenting awards any time soon. I am also, very aware that I make tons of mistakes. I leave my girls in the running, locked car sometimes. I feed my kids cereal to-go in a solo cup. I let them eat McDonald's on occasion. Everything in our fridge is loaded with preservatives. Sometimes, the same pajamas are worn two nights in a row. I let them eat off the floor if they drop something. Sometimes I don't rinse the last drips of juice out of the sippy cup before pouring the chocolate milk. I let Maxx teethe on a chicken bone. I get to town occasionally and realize I forgot to brush someones hair (sometimes my own). It is my belief, that a lil pee in a diaper is ok, when it stinks or sags is when it warrants a new diaper. Sugar? Neva's snack for school today was a twinkie and gummy bears. I sometimes raise my voice, and then I feel guilty later. The girls know if they need socks, they have to be dug out of a basket. Something smells like a dumpster in my car right now, and I cant find the source so my kids are just breathing these awful fumes everyday. No, I'm definitely no poster-mom. But I don't step on other parents to make myself feel high and mighty or superior in some way. I know that each story is different. From the overworked and stressed out single mom to the exhausted grandparents raising a grandchild in their golden years, to the mom of four beautiful girls that just wanted to walk her eldest inside the school without breaking out the stroller that she would inevitably be unable to push because of the project being made in huge Muck Boots box. In my other post, I talked a lot about judging...I actually overused the word, so I will avoid using it here. But can I say, I don't presume to know everyone's story. I don't need their story to make me a good mama. I'll use my own merit. I don't agree with a lot of parenting styles I come across, but it's none of my business as long as the children seem healthy and loved. I don't need to condemn their choices to gain praise for mine. Though I won't be asked to write any parenting advice columns in this lifetime, I AM a GREAT mom, faults and all. My children are (kind of) clean, they are well fed (...or just fed, whatever), and they are so happy (when they get their way). They are so incredibly loved. They have such an abundance of love coming from so many directions that they'll never be able to comprehend it. Ever.
For future reference, if you see a cpl kids in a nice looking(slightly stinky), locked car with it running--they're probably alright. I wouldn't crazily stare in the window and scare the 4 year old in the car. But it might not hurt to keep a peripheral, nonjudgmental (okay, I used 'judge' ONCE), eye on them until their mom makes it back. Just an anonymous favor from you to her. Chances are, their 5 minutes in the car doesn't necessarily indicate abuse or neglect. I probably wouldn't alert the authorities or try to shame her publicly.....I am sure the last thing she needs is yet another blow to her parental confidence.
Parenting is so difficult! It is truly the hardest and most ongoing task in our paths on this beautiful earth. I say that we not only stop sucking in unwilling athletes, but I propose let's shut down the league of competitive parenting altogether..... As fellow parents trying our best, we need to support each other and encourage each other to keep at it and not lose faith. When we feel confident as a parent, we will perform good as a parent. Let's relish in our strengths and together we can brainstorm ideas for our weaknesses. Let's motivate each other when we are at a loss or down in the dumps. Let's share ideas and compare notes and offer help in a nonthreatening way. Let's lift each other up, because God knows there is enough pulling us down. Our views and opinions and styles may vary from lax to on-point, but our unwavering love and goals for our children to have a beautiful life ring the same.
No more opponents.....
Just one team working together for a bright future.
GAME OFF
