Me and my mom, my best friend.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Saturday, February 18, 2012
The Journey Home
Friday February 17, at 4:39AM, something Godly and beautiful happened right before my eyes.
Thursday morning around 4am, after about 2 hours of sleep, I awoke to a thud. I sat straight up in bed with my heart racing. My immediate thought was "she fell!". But I was temporarily paralyzed in fear."Ronnie??" I called out, hoping he had tripped or knocked something over. But there was no answer. Then I heard a sound that sent my heart deep into my stomach and forced my body to jump up and take off running without a thought. It was the sound of my mama moaning in pain. When I rounded the corner, I was horrified at what I saw. She was laying on her back in the floor. She was steadily moaning. "MOM!" I cried out and dove onto the floor. I scooped her head into my arms. "I'm okay, I'm okay", she said. I was surprised to hear actual words come out of her mouth. She had not been doing much other than mumbling. "Mom are you okay?!?!?" I asked. She continued to moan. "RONNIE HELP ME!!!" I screamed into the hallway. Ronnie came running. Josh was close behind. Their breathing let me know that they were as terrified as me. Ronnie scooped her up like an infant and placed her in the bed. She was yelling out in pain as he shifted her body. "I know mama, I know mama I'm sorry" he said with a trembling lip and tears welling up in his eyes. Josh was crying. I was trying to catch my breath and fighting off a panic attack. "I gotta pee" she said in a mumbling tone. She acted uncomfortable and agitated. Like she couldn't stop trying to move her body, she just couldn't actually do it. She was trying so hard to lift her body off of the bed. She didn't have enough strength to lift her back off the mattress. The boys had to pull her up. I then wondered to myself, how long she had worked to get her self up before she fell.It is not as though she got up, took a step and fell. She CAN'T get up. She obviously worked for a LONG time to get her body out of that bed, before she succeeded, and then fell. This thought made my heart crumble. She was so proud. She didn't want to ask us for help to go to the bathroom. She insisted on getting up and going to the restroom on her own. The boys lifted her, expecting her to put some weight on her legs, but she couldn't. They were like jello. "You're okay mama. You're okay" I kept repeating, because she seemed scared. Then it happened. She lost control of her bladder. Right there in her room, with her first born and baby son holding her up. I was in front of her. As her accident took place, I said "It's fine mama. Not a big deal. You go ahead, we will clean it up. You are fine." I was terrified. I was heart broken. Definitely for her, but for my brothers as well. I cleaned her, changed her clothes, and though she moaned, the boys placed her back in bed. Immediately, she wet herself again. We told her again that it was ok. "You cleaned us, we will clean you now" we soothed. I cleaned her, then called Hospice. Our nurse said to give mom some extra medicine to help her calm down. She also said that she was on her way to put in a catheter. When she arrived, it took a while, and alot of extra medicine to get mama to relax. She then tried twice to put in a catheter, but she was unsuccessful. Finally, moms medicine kicked in, and she was resting decently.
The day was filled with decline. Small steps in the direction that we didn't want mom to go. There were small signs all through the day, that she was getting ready. But part of her wanted to stay behind. That was the part moving her legs and arms. Trying to make herself be well. When she heard our voices, the movements she made were obviously increased. She wanted to get up and talk to us and hug us and play with the grand kids, I think. When the room was quiet, she was peaceful. The nurses came back, put in the cathetar, and explained that mom was in a tunnel. On one end there was light and voices beckoning her to come to Heaven. On the other, was the voices of her children and family, encouraging to get better. She felt like she was in a tug of war. Over the course of Thursday, Ronnie, Josh and I, told mom that we were all okay. I heard Ronnie saying "Mom, I'm not gonna let Nikki worry to death, I promise. We will take care of Josh, like you wanted...and I'm gonna be fine". I had similar conversations with her as well.I was numb through most of the day. But just as the Hospice nurses were about to leave, I went in her room and looked at her. Catheter in. Diaper on. Body nothing more than bones and skin. She wouldn't have wanted this. This is not her. I cried hysterically.
Around 9pm, it was just me and the boys. I was very sleep deprived, and Ronnie encouraged me to get some sleep. So, I listened. I never thought you could be so sleepy it hurt. But I was hurting. I laid down in my old room. The room mom reset up for me recently, so that I could one day move in with her and care for her. I awoke to Ronnie saying "Nik, I gave mom her 11:30 dose". So I got up and went and looked at her. She was the same. She was breathing out of her mouth only. I cleaned her mouth with a damp cloth and kissed her. Her eyes were kind of half open and she blinked them a few times. We talked to her for a min, then I went back to bed. I awoke the second time to Ronnie saying "Nik, I gave mom her 3:30 dose". I got up again. This time, her breathing was different. It sounded like she needed to cough or something. Ronnie and I shifted her a bit to make her more comfortable. This was the last time I saw my mama's eyes with some life behind them. She opened up and looked at us both. "Hey mom" I said softly. Ronnie greeted her as well. I saw the love in her eyes. I know my mama. She would have said "I love y'all", if she could. She closed them back, and I headed to grab the phone to call her sisters. They wanted to know any little change. When I made it back. The congestion sound was gone. Her breathing was clear. Ronnie and I laid in her room for about 45 min just talking. Then he said, "Nik, I'm tired". So I encouraged him to go lay down. He barely made it across the hall before mom's breathing changed once again. It is hard to explain, I was nervous and scared....But you wouldn't have known it to look at me or hear me. "Ronnie. It's happening" I said calmly. I heard him leap out of bed. He was breathing heavy. I could hear that his voice was shaking. "Do I get Josh? Can he handle this?" "Go ask him" I encouraged. I held mom's hand as the boys made their way back in the room. "We are here mama" Ronnie said. It was obvious that she was about to go. "Put your hands on her" I told the boys. Ronnie grabbed her hand. Josh cupped her face. I grabbed her other hand. Then we used our free hands to hold each other. We then took turns telling her things. "Thank you for all that you sacrificed" "Thank you for being you", "Thank you for always being there", "You were the best mama we could have asked for", "We are so proud of you", "You have fought so hard and you did so good", "we will stay together like you taught us",......."We will NEVER let the kids forget you". Just like that, my mom took her last breath. We all began to cry. Ronnie, started crying a bit louder than us. What felt like a lifetime after her last breath, I feel like she heard him, and she fought her way back. She gasped again, and started back breathing. I grabbed Ronnie's hand "Ronnie, calm down. Let her know you're okay". "I'm okay mama" he said. Then we all told her we loved her again. In that moment, my mom went peacefully into the loving arms of her maker. We cried silently over the body that used to possess our mom. Then, Josh, red eyed and wet faced smiled a big smile at Ronnie and I. "She went peacefully, y'all. That's what we wanted". We all then smiled and continued to cry. He was right. Mom went where she needed to be. She went, more than willingly, when she knew that we were all okay. It was beautiful and peaceful. She saw her mama and her daddy. She ran to them, because her body was well enough to do so. Her fight is over. She is free now.
Last night, I was in bed somewhere between being asleep and being awake. I dreamed of her hand. I saw every detail of her hand. I know every thing about those hands, because during all of our road trips she held on to my hand. I studied it. Though I dreamed of how her hand looked, I awoke to the feel of her hand holding mine. I know I felt her. Her touch put me at ease, as it always did. I cried a little, then rested soundly.
We always came first with her-- ALWAYS. Mom never wanted to break down and have us take care of her, though she knew we were more than willing. She never wanted to "burden" us.She sheltered us even when she was first diagnosed and was sick as a dog. If you asked how she was doing, she would say "good". Ask a well person that, and you will probably get a lil complaint. Not mama. She never really complained with fatigue, though she was exhausted, or with pain, though her body was breaking down, or with sorrow, though she didn't want to leave us. When she fell, she used some of her last verbal ability to tell me that she was ok....Once again soothing ME. Then, she came back when she heard Ronnie cry. She wanted to make sure he was okay. Then last night, I felt the touch of her hand. I know it was meant to soothe me. Taking care of US was all she knew, and she never stopped. Not even now. She went home to Heaven gracefully and once again, I am proud of her. Always and forever.
Thursday morning around 4am, after about 2 hours of sleep, I awoke to a thud. I sat straight up in bed with my heart racing. My immediate thought was "she fell!". But I was temporarily paralyzed in fear."Ronnie??" I called out, hoping he had tripped or knocked something over. But there was no answer. Then I heard a sound that sent my heart deep into my stomach and forced my body to jump up and take off running without a thought. It was the sound of my mama moaning in pain. When I rounded the corner, I was horrified at what I saw. She was laying on her back in the floor. She was steadily moaning. "MOM!" I cried out and dove onto the floor. I scooped her head into my arms. "I'm okay, I'm okay", she said. I was surprised to hear actual words come out of her mouth. She had not been doing much other than mumbling. "Mom are you okay?!?!?" I asked. She continued to moan. "RONNIE HELP ME!!!" I screamed into the hallway. Ronnie came running. Josh was close behind. Their breathing let me know that they were as terrified as me. Ronnie scooped her up like an infant and placed her in the bed. She was yelling out in pain as he shifted her body. "I know mama, I know mama I'm sorry" he said with a trembling lip and tears welling up in his eyes. Josh was crying. I was trying to catch my breath and fighting off a panic attack. "I gotta pee" she said in a mumbling tone. She acted uncomfortable and agitated. Like she couldn't stop trying to move her body, she just couldn't actually do it. She was trying so hard to lift her body off of the bed. She didn't have enough strength to lift her back off the mattress. The boys had to pull her up. I then wondered to myself, how long she had worked to get her self up before she fell.It is not as though she got up, took a step and fell. She CAN'T get up. She obviously worked for a LONG time to get her body out of that bed, before she succeeded, and then fell. This thought made my heart crumble. She was so proud. She didn't want to ask us for help to go to the bathroom. She insisted on getting up and going to the restroom on her own. The boys lifted her, expecting her to put some weight on her legs, but she couldn't. They were like jello. "You're okay mama. You're okay" I kept repeating, because she seemed scared. Then it happened. She lost control of her bladder. Right there in her room, with her first born and baby son holding her up. I was in front of her. As her accident took place, I said "It's fine mama. Not a big deal. You go ahead, we will clean it up. You are fine." I was terrified. I was heart broken. Definitely for her, but for my brothers as well. I cleaned her, changed her clothes, and though she moaned, the boys placed her back in bed. Immediately, she wet herself again. We told her again that it was ok. "You cleaned us, we will clean you now" we soothed. I cleaned her, then called Hospice. Our nurse said to give mom some extra medicine to help her calm down. She also said that she was on her way to put in a catheter. When she arrived, it took a while, and alot of extra medicine to get mama to relax. She then tried twice to put in a catheter, but she was unsuccessful. Finally, moms medicine kicked in, and she was resting decently.
The day was filled with decline. Small steps in the direction that we didn't want mom to go. There were small signs all through the day, that she was getting ready. But part of her wanted to stay behind. That was the part moving her legs and arms. Trying to make herself be well. When she heard our voices, the movements she made were obviously increased. She wanted to get up and talk to us and hug us and play with the grand kids, I think. When the room was quiet, she was peaceful. The nurses came back, put in the cathetar, and explained that mom was in a tunnel. On one end there was light and voices beckoning her to come to Heaven. On the other, was the voices of her children and family, encouraging to get better. She felt like she was in a tug of war. Over the course of Thursday, Ronnie, Josh and I, told mom that we were all okay. I heard Ronnie saying "Mom, I'm not gonna let Nikki worry to death, I promise. We will take care of Josh, like you wanted...and I'm gonna be fine". I had similar conversations with her as well.I was numb through most of the day. But just as the Hospice nurses were about to leave, I went in her room and looked at her. Catheter in. Diaper on. Body nothing more than bones and skin. She wouldn't have wanted this. This is not her. I cried hysterically.
Around 9pm, it was just me and the boys. I was very sleep deprived, and Ronnie encouraged me to get some sleep. So, I listened. I never thought you could be so sleepy it hurt. But I was hurting. I laid down in my old room. The room mom reset up for me recently, so that I could one day move in with her and care for her. I awoke to Ronnie saying "Nik, I gave mom her 11:30 dose". So I got up and went and looked at her. She was the same. She was breathing out of her mouth only. I cleaned her mouth with a damp cloth and kissed her. Her eyes were kind of half open and she blinked them a few times. We talked to her for a min, then I went back to bed. I awoke the second time to Ronnie saying "Nik, I gave mom her 3:30 dose". I got up again. This time, her breathing was different. It sounded like she needed to cough or something. Ronnie and I shifted her a bit to make her more comfortable. This was the last time I saw my mama's eyes with some life behind them. She opened up and looked at us both. "Hey mom" I said softly. Ronnie greeted her as well. I saw the love in her eyes. I know my mama. She would have said "I love y'all", if she could. She closed them back, and I headed to grab the phone to call her sisters. They wanted to know any little change. When I made it back. The congestion sound was gone. Her breathing was clear. Ronnie and I laid in her room for about 45 min just talking. Then he said, "Nik, I'm tired". So I encouraged him to go lay down. He barely made it across the hall before mom's breathing changed once again. It is hard to explain, I was nervous and scared....But you wouldn't have known it to look at me or hear me. "Ronnie. It's happening" I said calmly. I heard him leap out of bed. He was breathing heavy. I could hear that his voice was shaking. "Do I get Josh? Can he handle this?" "Go ask him" I encouraged. I held mom's hand as the boys made their way back in the room. "We are here mama" Ronnie said. It was obvious that she was about to go. "Put your hands on her" I told the boys. Ronnie grabbed her hand. Josh cupped her face. I grabbed her other hand. Then we used our free hands to hold each other. We then took turns telling her things. "Thank you for all that you sacrificed" "Thank you for being you", "Thank you for always being there", "You were the best mama we could have asked for", "We are so proud of you", "You have fought so hard and you did so good", "we will stay together like you taught us",......."We will NEVER let the kids forget you". Just like that, my mom took her last breath. We all began to cry. Ronnie, started crying a bit louder than us. What felt like a lifetime after her last breath, I feel like she heard him, and she fought her way back. She gasped again, and started back breathing. I grabbed Ronnie's hand "Ronnie, calm down. Let her know you're okay". "I'm okay mama" he said. Then we all told her we loved her again. In that moment, my mom went peacefully into the loving arms of her maker. We cried silently over the body that used to possess our mom. Then, Josh, red eyed and wet faced smiled a big smile at Ronnie and I. "She went peacefully, y'all. That's what we wanted". We all then smiled and continued to cry. He was right. Mom went where she needed to be. She went, more than willingly, when she knew that we were all okay. It was beautiful and peaceful. She saw her mama and her daddy. She ran to them, because her body was well enough to do so. Her fight is over. She is free now.
Last night, I was in bed somewhere between being asleep and being awake. I dreamed of her hand. I saw every detail of her hand. I know every thing about those hands, because during all of our road trips she held on to my hand. I studied it. Though I dreamed of how her hand looked, I awoke to the feel of her hand holding mine. I know I felt her. Her touch put me at ease, as it always did. I cried a little, then rested soundly.
We always came first with her-- ALWAYS. Mom never wanted to break down and have us take care of her, though she knew we were more than willing. She never wanted to "burden" us.She sheltered us even when she was first diagnosed and was sick as a dog. If you asked how she was doing, she would say "good". Ask a well person that, and you will probably get a lil complaint. Not mama. She never really complained with fatigue, though she was exhausted, or with pain, though her body was breaking down, or with sorrow, though she didn't want to leave us. When she fell, she used some of her last verbal ability to tell me that she was ok....Once again soothing ME. Then, she came back when she heard Ronnie cry. She wanted to make sure he was okay. Then last night, I felt the touch of her hand. I know it was meant to soothe me. Taking care of US was all she knew, and she never stopped. Not even now. She went home to Heaven gracefully and once again, I am proud of her. Always and forever.
Arrangements:
Visitation- 5:00 at Colonial Chapel (Indian Springs)
Funeral-2:00 at Colonial Chapel (Then the burial will be at Antioch Methodist Church)
If you intend to send flowers, but haven't done so yet, instead, please make a donation to St. Jude's Children's Research Center in my mom's name. She always insisted that no child should ever have to go through what she did.
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. We love you.
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