As y'all know, the wind can blow and it'll somehow remind me of my mom. That said, I started thinking last night about all the mess I put my mom through over the years. I write this hoping and praying that it doesn't remain in circulation until my girls are old enough to stumble across it and hold admission of my rebellious behavior over my head. It's just been on my mind, the things mom and I went through together that ultimately bonded us together like welded metal.
I remember in elementary school BEGGING to stay the night with a friend. This was my best friend of the moment and I just knew we'd have the BEST time at our sleepover. Mom refused. ABSOLUTELY refused. She never even gave it a thought! She gave no reasoning despite my pleading repeatedly. "But why not?!?!?" Id whine. And though I pouted like a champion pouter-- she never gave in.
I
Was
ANGRY.
I remember mom trusting me to go to the mall with my very best friend in junior high and even though she specifically said "DO NOT leave the movie theater".......I left the movie theater..... I walked to the arcade and played games with my friends. When she walked in the mall to check up on me, in front of all my friends she drug me out of there practically by my hair,
I
Was
ANGRY.
When she encouraged me to go back home after I fled to her house following one of the frequent newly wed arguments with my husband, Michael,
I
Was
ANGRY.
These are really just the tip of the iceberg. Yes, she and I had some doozies of disagreements and I had the silent treatment down to a slap science. I didn't think I'd ever understand her! I would get so fired up and mad at her that I literally thought I would erupt and spew lava. But no matter how angry I got with her, or how disappointed she may have been in me--we'd eventually talk it out, and even if I didn't wholly understand, I'd ultimately trust her and we'd move on having grown closer through the process.
Ive been looking around lately, and I see some of my brothers and sisters hurting. Hard times: familial, financial or otherwise, sickness, or loss.... The list of grievances goes on and on. I know that within these families, in addition to pain, there is fear, confusion and perhaps even anger accompanying each unique set of circumstances. Some people are angry not only with the situation, but angry with God. Last night I heard it said:
"It's ok if they're angry. He's a big God. He can handle it".
I walked away teary eyed and pure tangled up in those words. We're not supposed to be angry with God, right? We're not supposed to question Him, are we? I was so conflicted in my mind and heart.
Then, mama popped in my head and the memories washed over me....
I spent a lil time in scripture.
Suddenly it all came together in my heart like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.
That sleepover with my sweet little bestie would have landed my naive, defenseless 7 year old self in the presence of some not so savory adults.
She was protecting me.
Dragging me away from the mall as a young teen, embarrassing as it was, encouraged me to be honest and honor my word.
She was teaching me.
And when she encouraged me to keep working at my marriage, it helped me develop stamina and determination. She knew first hand it was needed in life and that quitting was a tough road to travel. She was helping me mature.
It may have taken time, but I eventually came to comprehend: She didn't cause those tough times to happen, but she used them to help me grow. She understood my being hurt, confused or angry and knew it was natural and---
She could handle it.
And even when I didn't quite understand, I always trusted that she had my best interest at heart.
Then I thought about Father.
It is true that we should not hold on to anger. The evil one would use that as an open window to sneak into our lives. But to never feel it, would be impossible. God knows our hearts. He knows us through and through. And He knows that in this world sometimes we will be confused, pain stricken, scared..... and sometimes even angry. And you know what? We worship a powerful, loving, understanding God and ---
He can handle it.
Hard times will come, there's nothing we can do about that. But rest assure my hurting brothers and sisters, that God will use the difficult situations in our lives to protect us, teach us and help us mature as Christians. Understanding is hard..... But Im not sure that it's immediately necessary.
Trust is.
Comfort comes when we believers and the lost alike cry out to Father and admit our true thoughts and feelings and then confess broken heartedly and repent... Then time slowly heals the wounds left behind by hard times and delivers acceptance. And one day, though we sometimes think it never will-- clarity will prevail and understanding will consume us and conquer confusion.
And when it's all said and done, the bond will strengthen and we will be closer to Father than ever.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.
Proverbs 3:5-6
