Rantings of a Surviving Daughter: April 2012

Dear Mama,

Today marks exactly two months since you left. Always being a mama's girl, I could never have imagined being away from you this long. I think 4 or 5 days was the max, until now. Even then, I called you every day. Besides our occasional little mother/daughter silent treatments, I don't think I've ever really went a day without talking to you. I go out to the cemetery a couple times a week. I just sit there, when I can....Other times I loop through and just stare. I know your not there, but I do it anyway. I say it all the time, but I can't say it enough, I miss you mom. I wish I could feel your tight warm hug and delicate kiss on the cheek. I miss being able to call you with every little thing and hear your sympathetic tone of voice and sensitive words. You knew how to soothe me like no other....I miss it. I miss us.

Easter was....Well, it was....a nightmare quite frankly. Though I tried to turn down the job, the aunts wanted me to figure out the menu for our Taylorsville gathering. They said it was time for us "younger ones" to learn how to do it. Mean while, I wondered if I would even be able to get out of bed on that day. I didn't even want to think about it. My first holiday EVER without you. The days leading up to Easter were the worst to date. I cried ALL days, and found it hard to really function as a good wife and mother on a FEW of them. I struggled to put a smile on. I toyed with the idea of ending my little cupcake decorating tradition that I started when Neva was born. I know I promised you that I would live. I said I wouldn't curl up in a ball and let life pass me by....But I really struggled through this holiday. I stayed up all night one night with Mili's immunization driven fever. The next day, was tough. When Michael got home, I climbed in bed and left him with the girls. In the past, not even illness has brought me to this state. When I awoke and hour or so later, it was to the sound of Jamina climbing in bed with me. It seems Michael was alarmed by my behavior and spoke to her about it. I cried and told her I just couldn't do it. I know it was the holiday, a little exhaustion and alot of depression talking, but I felt very stuck. Helpless. I can't function without you. I can't bring you back. What can I do? She listened. I talked and cried. I never got up. Soon, Michael came in and the bedroom was filled with my beautiful and rambunctious daughters, niece and nephew. And, I had somewhat of an epiphany....YOU'RE not here..But THEY are...and they love me and need me. I had temporarily forgotten this and became paralyzed by my heartache.This realization gave me the energy to get up and spend the rest of the evening with my family. But still, with this new heaviness of emotions weighing on my heart, I couldn't wait for Easter to come and go. That night after everyone was settled, I sat down on the floor of the shower and cried like I have never cried before. Partly because I have lost you. But mainly because I was disappointed in myself for not being stronger. The water that washed my tears away slowly turned from hot, to warm, to ice cold. I remained in the floor shivering. I cried hysterically and begged you and God to please help me. And soon, I found the strength to get up.

Easter morning came, and with it an array of emotions. I scurried around the living room and placed the girls little goodies where they would see them when they woke up. I flashed back to childhood Easters. Easter was one of three mornings that we ate chocolate for breakfast. You always went all out for us. Even after we were grown. You stopped buying for me and Josh after we had kids....It seems the grandchildren were more important! Each Easter (or every HOLIDAY for that matter!) you would roam the aisles of walmart looking for the absolute best Easter treat for your little babies. I loved it. Ok, maybe I was a little jealous that I no longer got a chocolate bunny, but still I was happy my kids had you. Ronnie on the other hand still got a bunny (NOT FAIR!). He was your "lil baby" too.

I found it difficult to focus as I was cooking my contribution to the family gathering, so I called Ronnie. See, he and I were making your usual dishes. I asked him through tears "do you think she's looking down at us, mad because we're messing up her recipes?" He replied with a chuckle, "YEP!". We spoke for a while, and talking to him really made me feel better. I even felt motivated to bake cupcakes and let my babies decorate them. It was a day later that usual, but I knew you wouldn't want me to end our sweet lil tradition. Then, we headed to Taylorsville. My heart ached the whole way there. The gathering was at Punk's house, just like me and you thought it would be. It was so cute the way she had everything set up. Her back yard was always something you envied. Punk with her green thumb. You always said you could kill an artificial plant. I'm pretty sure I could too. I was involuntarily quiet. I tried to talk and smile and mingle, and I think I did ok. But it was HARD. I longed to see you out there helping my girls find eggs, while I took pictures. Instead, it was your sisters. It was a heart warming and (at the same time), heart breaking sight to see. There was a definite change in atmosphere without you there. It wasn't as light hearted and there wasn't as much laughter. It was as good as it could be, I guess. I held it together pretty good, but when we left, I cried practically the whole way home. Don't worry mama, I don't think the girls knew. You may not be proud of my coping skills on that day, but I DID surprise your "lil baby" with a chocolate bunny....Does that get me off the hook?

Unfortunately, Easter left and didn't take with it the heaviness that sits upon my heart. I was wrong. It wasn't the holiday. It's you. Or me. Or something, I don't know. I'm just so lost without you and it's not getting any better.

I don't dream of you as much as I did. I miss it. I so looked forward to falling asleep, so that I could see you. Josh finally dreamed of you. He wanted to so badly and it finally happened. We are all still as close as ever. The boys are doing great at balancing their heartache with life itself. Ronnie, like me, is an emotional roller coaster. One day we are fine. The next, we are a wreck. Josh.......He's like a rock. He is strong 95% of the time and I rarely see him having the pity party days that I have. You always said "he lives in his own little world". He misses you though. We all do. We are all hurting and trying to move on, but I've got to tell you, mama--it seems pretty impossible right now. Sometimes I struggle to remember life as it was. It is so faint and fuzzy. It's like a lifetime ago that you were here and healthy and I could call you or hug you any time I wanted. It sometimes seems like a dream that you were ever even here at all. But MOST of the time, each little thing triggers a memory of you, that leads to a beautiful vivid day dream. So prominent and clear, it's like you were here yesterday. Like when a character thinks back in a movie....It's just like that. I am there with you in that memory. I see you. I hear you. I can even feel you. Then, I come back to reality and its just plain heart shattering. Our last conversations run through my head constantly. The memories I hate, and I chase them out of my mind when they creep in, are of the couple of days leading up to the morning you left. They kill me. They inflict a previously unimaginable amount of pain on my heart. I hate remembering you that way. Most of the "visions" are good ones. Great ones actually. If only they were real, and not just playbacks in my head.

Everyone has been sick. Mili was sick after getting her immunizations. The other two never really ran a fever so early... She was running 102 at 8 weeks old! Then both older girls took turns with sinus infections, upper respiratory infections, ear infections, and strep throat. Last but not least, Michael got what we thought was the flu, but it turns out that it is strep too. Physically I'm fine. Well, I am still carrying EVERY bit of my baby weight, but besides that, I am fine.

With each dilemma, I think of you. With each happy event, I think of you. I know I have to toughen up. I know it. You were just such a staple in my everyday existence, I am having trouble existing without you. But I won't stop trying, mama. I promise.

Here are a few pictures...

This was just before we went to see the Easter Bunny. You were with me last year when we did that. Neva and Mili did great. Nori, well, that's a different story.

I have never been brave enough to let them dye eggs. We always decorated cupcakes. But, this year they did and they LOVED it!!

They dipped and redipped until some of the eggs were brown looking. But hey, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, right? I know you would have thought they were one of a kind masterpieces, because my girls could do no wrong in your eyes.

Look familiar? 20 years ago, this exact setup could have been found at our house, with you grinning ear to ear and cooking up a storm in the kitchen and me Ronnie and Josh tearing into some chocolate in the living room.