----my big brother
(earlier today on the phone)
Today, Michael announced that he had the morning off (this is a RARE occurrence. Aside from vacation, I can count his days off on two hands in the last TWO years....), and he would be spending the day at the deer camp. My husband is a die hard hunter and because of his work schedule he hasn't been hunting even once this year. That's so unreal I can't even begin to explain it to you. So, when he also threw out the idea that Neva and Nori go with him to hunt today, I was equally excited and confused. First of all, the moments I've spent away from my children since my mom passed can still be calculated in "moments". We haven't graduated to hours, or entire days yet. So--I was excited for the break. But this dude has been itching...I mean HURTING to go hunting--so I was confused. I mean, there are a lot of things my kids can do: count in Spanish, destroy a bedroom rock star style, spell their names, shatter glass with their high pitch shrills, hit a baseball, fight over nothing, ride bikes like champs.....but they CANNOT be quiet. They can't. It's a fact. Nori literally doesn't know how to whisper. Like at all. Neva knows how, but forgets mid sentence. But, he mentioned it in front of them, so whether he wanted to back out or not was irrelevant. They were too excited at that point. Since Mili alone is a piece of cake, immediately the possibilities of how I would spend my day started flowing through my mind....
- grocery shopping drama free
- walking the track at the park (Mili in the stroller) without any bike wrecks or stopping to tie a shoe 15,000 times.
- cleaning my house....like really clean, not a lick and a promise.
Christmas shopping (immediately crossed off)- Writing (I've started writing again here and there...not just blogging...It gives me an outlet and I thoroughly enjoy it).
But, before they even pulled out of the yard, I kind of already knew what I was going to do. It wasn't on the list I made earlier. I closed the front door and locked it. Mili had just went down for a nap. So, I went and got in my bed. It's the first time I have really been alone since I was in the hospital after having Mili. I laid there and thought about Mom. I cried silently under my covers. I sniffled and wiped away my tears. I knew what would happen if I didn't get up. I told myself to snap out of it and get out of the house. But, I laid there anyway. I cried myself to sleep. I slept until Mili woke up, which was about 3 hours later. Which is when my brother called. I was still a little teary when I talked to him. He was alarmed when he found out I had slept my "day off" away. He thinks I might need medicine for my depression. I am on the fence about it. I AM sad. That's for sure. BUT, I'm supposed to be, right? When does sadness become abnormal? If I was cutting cartwheels and all high fives--that would be more ABnormal, right? I'm functioning. I'm bathing. I'm eating. I'm cooking and cleaning (somewhat). I play with my girls. I sing to them. I love them and show them all day every day. I work very hard to be "me" for them. I don't laugh a lot, but I DO laugh here and there. I know that I am blessed. BUT, on the flip side, I am super sleepy all the time. I have insomnia at night. I have this little guilty feeling that lingers around all the time about different things. I don't think that clearly (just today I made a bread pudding and forgot to put sugar in it). And as you know, I cry every chance I get. I'd say I cry about once a day or every other day. Usually when the kids and Michael are asleep. I don't know if I need medicine, though. Possibly. But, perhaps I just need to heal. These things take time, right? My brother told me "there's no shame in it". Well, I agree. But, if I can beat this thing on my own, and with the power of prayer, that's how I prefer to do it. I've given myself a timeline. If I make it to just after the first of the year....around the end of February to be exact (a little over a year after mom's passing), I will have officially experienced all the firsts without her. All the big ones anyway. If I am still the same, if I haven't got any better, then I will see a dr, and hear his recommendations. Michael thinks I am fine. He says I was doing great, as far as he could tell, until Halloween. I agree with him. I felt great there for a while. The class I took at Journey helped tremendously. I mean, there were still bad days. But, the good far outnumbered the bad. Then came fall and all these firsts. It's definitely got me down. And now comes the biggest one. Christmas. This literally could be the toughest season of my life. She was SO crazy about Christmas...and we were always together during this time. She always had to sneak off to get my gifts, because if I knew she was going shopping I would invite myself. Even though I hate the crowds, I love buying for other people and I loved shopping with her. This season is FULL of her, and "us". But, if I can just tough it out until the first of the year, I think I can conquer this.
Ronnie is right. There IS a part of me still in that bedroom holding mom's hand....waiting nervously for her chest to rise and fall yet again. Part of me wants her to keep breathing. Part of me hopes she lets go so that she can be free. All of me hurts. But, still I am there. Waiting. Hoping. Hurting.
If time heals all wounds, then I think I just need a little more time. I believe that with time, I will find my way out of that bedroom, and back to being myself and living this beautiful life I am so thankful for.
"....anything is possible if a person believes...." Mark 9:23 NLT.
(by the way, the hunting trip didn't result in a freezer full of deer meat--but Michael survived and the girls had a blast)
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