9 Months

Dear Mama,

Yesterday marked exactly nine months since you left me and went to Heaven. A lot of things have changed. It kills me that you are not here with me to see...the girls, me, life...everything... I have had my hardest days in the last couple months. Some days I am ok. Other days, I feel I cannot take one more breath without you. With Halloween and all the activities that Fall brings, I have been sadder than ever. We just got back from our mountains trip. I felt you there with me. I know you watched over us. But I missed you so. Though the trip was great, I came home worse than I left, emotionally. I have been crying way too much and having to put forth way too much effort to be happy.

Friday, I went to the grocery store and got my Thanksgiving groceries, since we are celebrating with your sisters and brother this afternoon. As I walked the aisles grabbing ingredients that I rarely buy, I was reminded of us doing it together. Or at least going over our lists together over the phone to make sure we remembered everything. I would always try to make a hundred dishes and you would tell me to chill out when I couldn't pull it all together and I started panicking. These memories were overtaking me. Then, I came to the cranberry sauce. The gross kind that is in the can and jellied, so that when you dump it, it keeps the shape of the can. When I saw this, I had to pay and leave Wal-mart immediately. I was so upset I felt as though I would lay in the floor and cry, similar to a tantrum throwing toddler. It wasn't until I made it to the car and unloaded my groceries that saw the can of cranberry sauce through the plastic of the bag. I slowly reached for it. It dawned on me, that as I stood in the store reminiscing about you fixing your plate at Papaws and putting a big dollop of the jellied stuff on your dressing, I apparently tossed it in my buggy as I fought my tears and headed to check out. I kept it in my lap all the way to the cemetery, where I stopped and cried by your grave. It's something so small, but like everything else, it is so full of you. You are everywhere in my mind and my heart. Yet you are nowhere to be found here on earth.

I found myself calling Br. Robby in tears last night, begging him for some advice from scripture to aid me through today, my first Thanksgiving without you. He was sympathetic to my pain, but as always, he reminded me of your condition in Heaven. He told me "as much as she loved y'all and didn't want to leave y'all, if she was given the choice--she would not come back here". That was a huge realization for me. Because just like you were our everything, we were yours. So, to know that you are so happy, so perfect, so knowing and complete now, eased my pain. He always seems so positive and upbeat about lost loved ones and where they are now. I figured he might think I was feeling sorry for myself, or being a bit dramatic by the way I was crying and expressing my deep rooted sadness. I told him "I try so hard to not be so down. I know I should be happy for her". He told me, that it's a common misconception to think that when you become a Christian that everything is happy-go-lucky. He said there is still pain, and sorrow and anguish...because we are part of a fallen creation. So, I guess I am not that crazy for hurting to the extent that I do. But, thinking of you, I mean fully envisioning you in my mind's-eye-view of Heaven--cancer free, healthy and happy and waiting patiently while we live our short lives here--it really does make me feel better. He told me some verses in the bible that might help. So in between baking and cooking, I spent the night in scripture and praying for some relief from this sting in my heart.

This morning I woke up and made your potato salad. I made your deviled eggs. There was no phone call like usual. We would talk a couple different times about what dishes we had done and what we lacked. I would panic, you would calm me down. Then you would talk to your sisters over the phone on and off all morning until you headed to Papaws house, where we spent every holiday that I've been alive to see.......Until this year, that is.

This is my first Thanksgiving without you. In a minute I will load everything up and head to Ronnie's house, which is where we are celebrating. I will do my best to be me. But, I can't remember who I am--so it will be a difficult task. I will try to hold my tears. I will try to smile. I will try not just to make it through today--but really experience today--with you in my heart. I am so thankful I had you, even for a moment. I am thankful you gave me life. I am thankful you gave me my brothers. I am thankful you were my friend. I am thankful for my memories. I am thankful you bonded so sweetly with my kids. But more than anything, I am thankful you are where you want to be. I am thankful you are healthy and perfect with God now. What is an earthly lifetime without you, compared to eternity with you? I can do this. I am going to go live now, Mama. I will see you soon.

I love you so much.

Love,

Nikki