Do What Needs to Be Done

I'd like to talk about a reoccurring thought I have been having. One that I have been blocking out until the last couple of days.

As some of you know, my papaw (mama's daddy) passed away just months before my mom. Sadly, it was not as swift of a process as it was for my mom. My papaw was "down" for a long time before he finally let go and went to heaven. I remember those last weeks of his life-- although I sometimes wish I didn't. He played a major role in mine and my girls' lives. Sometimes I feel I didn't get to properly grieve his passing, because I immediately threw myself into caring for my mom, who had just been diagnosed with a terminal illness. Anyway, Back to  the reoccurring thought, I told you about. I just keep thinking about this one particular day. My papaw was in the hospital. He was awake, but due to the damage done by a stroke, he couldn't speak or do for himself some of the most basic things that you and I often take for granted. I watched my mom, my aunts and my uncle spoon feed their dad, clean him, love and soothe him day after day until his last breath was taken. On this specific day that has been plaguing my mind and heart, my mom was cleaning his face and talking to her dad, my papaw, like he was her child. I don't mean in a condescending way. I mean in a nurturing, calming and loving way. I felt sorry for her. "How horrible it must be, to have to do such things for a parent", I thought. I also thought "it's amazing what you can do, when it just needs to be done".  I noticed her facial expression as we visited with him. It was strong, and what she was doing seemed effortless. But I could see that something was in the back of her mind. My girls ran amok like usual and he watched them with confusion, but there was some hint of enjoyment in his expression. After we kissed his stubbly face and left, mom was really quiet. As we drove home, she finally broke her silence and made a request. "Keep me clean, Nikki. Keep my mouth wiped and make sure I'm clean and smell nice." I was hurting. This was early in her diagnosis. I was aware of what was "supposed to happen", but blissfully unaware that it would "actually" happen. I nodded and agreed. But as I reassured her, it never really dawned on me what she was asking. I didn't realize the gravity of the request she was making. Now I see that she knew what was coming. She knew. I didn't. Not really. But she did. A few months later, I would be dampening cloths to clean my mom's face and rubbing nice smelling lotion on her just like she asked me to do on that faithful day. I would be talking to her in my softest most compassionate voice, as if she were my child. And I would hold her hand as she breathed her last breath. It definitely was not effortless, but the average bystander would never know exactly how hard it was, by looking at us. It's amazing what you can do, when it just needs to be done.

It's been a while since I posted a blog. ... Just like last time, I've been tyring to focus on the here and now and keep my mind as far away from the past as I can. I have been avoiding writing to try and make it through the holidays. Avoidance isn't the healthiest approach to healing-- I know. But I just needed to focus on my girls to get through this tough time. I am happy to report that we had a beautiful Christmas and I didn't totally fall apart. A little meltdown here and there, but for the most part I was tough and didn't just make it through,  I really soaked up the time with my family. I laughed and danced around the kitchen with my aunt Punk and Ronnie and my girls as Christmas music blared in the background. I giggled and played with toys with my girls, as if years had been shaved off and a weight had been removed from my heart. I didn't stop to dwell on the significant absences that were so prevalent. I didn't think. I didn't write. I just coped with each moment individually as they came and went. But each day I got up and put one foot in front of the other. I smiled and laughed and played with my babies. I actually had fun, though it was my first Christmas without her...... It's amazing what you can do, when it just needs to be done. It was a beautiful holiday. (I will share photos with you later).

On this night exactly one year ago, my mom was sick, but here. She was here to talk to and hug and love. I miss her more and more each day. And though, at times, I can successfully push thoughts out of my mind, I can never fully rid my heart of the ache of her loss. Tonight I popped fireworks and clapped for Michael with my girls as he lit fuses that filled the night sky with beautiful colors. We watched from below, but I smiled to myself wondering with childlike curiosity what the fireworks look like from above. I let myself really think about her today. She was the first person I spoke to in the year 2012. And it hurts to know that I am now entering a year that she will never grace with her presence. Though my heart has a hole that can never be filled, I will keep moving forward with life.  I will live my life the best I can, because she can't live hers. I will be the best mother I can be, because I learned from the best. I will handle the hard stuff, because life was never a bed of roses for her, but she handled it with strength and grace. I will work on my relationship with God. I will try harder to cope with this loss in a healthy manner. Tonight will end the last year that my mom was physically here with me. But, each day I feel her with me in my heart. My final resolution is this,  I will not skip the details, but embrace those tiny little moments filled with jewels of happiness. I will live life to the fullest for my mama, for Michael, for my babies. I will do what needs to be done. I've been given this beautiful life--so I am going to live it! It's amazing what you can do, when it just needs to be done.

To all of you who have followed me through the last two years of ups, downs, gains and losses: Thank you for your support, your prayers and your love. May God bless this new year, just as he did all the years before. Do me a favor, and hug your mom, give her a kiss for me and thank her for everything she has done. Tell her you love her. I love each of you and wish you and your families the happiest new year possible!