10 Months

Dear Mama,

Today, unbelievably, is an official 10 months since you left... It's Christmas time and I think I speak for myself AND the boys when I say that we're missing you more than ever now. I long for you in a way that's so intense-- there are no accurate words to describe it. I feel as though it's been a lifetime since I had one of your special hugs, and what I wouldn't give for a sweet little peck on the cheek. You know that you were my everything...my travel buddy, my babysitter, my confidante, my advisor, and most importantly my best friend in the whole world... I feel utterly lost without you. I don't mean to make you worry, Mama... I say I'm lost, but I'm ok. I just don't know what to do with myself sometimes in your absence. I told you I'd be strong and so far I've kept my word. It's not easy.  Every fiber of my body wants to throw in the towel, and lay down and let the sadness take over... I'm fighting it Mom. Just like you taught me. I'm fighting it for the girls, for Michael and I'm fighting it for YOU. I know you would have given anything to have lived a full life, so I can't just waste mine being sad. I won't let that happen, I promise.

Christmas has made your memory so much more vibrant. I think of you constantly... I mean literally non-stop. When I am alone, and sometimes when I'm not, I cry. I cry because I want you back, Mama. I understand God's will was done, the day you went to heaven. But can I just say that my tiny, selfish, insignificant, unimportant will is for you to be here. To hold my hand when I'm scared. To smile when I'm sad. To soothe me when I'm in pain. To laugh with me when the girls do something silly. To wipe my tears when I cry. To love me. I want you back Mama.... I miss you so much, please just come back. Please! Just find some way to see me or let me know you're ok. I feel you are so much MORE than ok, but I want to see it. I know we will be together for eternity, but I'd like to talk to you now.  I just want to see your smile and to talk to you for just a minute. You could always make the impossible happen for us, your kids....Cant you please find a way?

I trust that God's plan is so much better than my biased one. But I will never stop missing you.



Until we meet again,  I will be looking for you in my dreams each night.

I love you lil lady...

Love,

Nikki