11 Months

Dear Mama,

It has officially been 11 months since that cold morning in your bedroom that you made your way to Heaven as we cried over you earthly vessel. This just amazes me. I look forward to our little letters here on my blog that you were so dedicated to reading. But I thoroughly  enjoyed actually talking to you the other night. I have been craving you for a while now... Craving your voice, your thoughts, your love... Just craving you. After the incredible conversation we had in my dream, I felt a little renewed... I felt my desire for you was somewhat fulfilled. I love you so much Mama. I know it sounds weird-- but I never thought it would go this far... I think somewhere in me, I believed this was all temporary and at some point you'd come back and life as it was would resume. With every beat of my heart, I ache for you. And with every ache, it becomes more and more clear that this IS life now. I just have to learn to come to terms with your ever prevalent absence.

The kids are doing great! Mili is just plain fabulous. She is now 11 months old and 20 lbs of preciousness. The dr said she's on "the small side". I definitely agree. At almost one year, she seems so much more babyish than the other two girls did. Of course the fact that she's taking her sweet time on meeting all of her milestones adds to this. She started pulling up and taking a few steps (holding on the the furniture) just this month. I am totally fine with taking it slow. Slow and steady wins the race. She is officially off of formula and hasn't used a bottle in a couple months. She uses a sippy cup. And she is SO smart! She says "Eat Eat", and "please", and "thank you"....Of course she says all the basics too: "Mama", "Dada", "Buh Buh", "Nay Nay", and she has looked toward Neva a couple times and said "Ne Ne", but I am not sure if it is just a coincidence. You'll be proud...I taught her a not-so-nice word. You can ask "What's in your diaper?" and she will smile sweetly and say "doo doo". The other girls might have done some of the other, unimportant stuff earlier, like crawling and walking, but with the "doo doo" thing, I think she totally one-upped her sisters. She is the sweetest thing in the world. When Nori walks up, she reaches for a hug and just latches on. They have a very loving relationship. When Neva walks up, she gets a mischievous and excited look. Like: "Yeah! what are we going to tear up?". She loves her Daddy, and she is pretty infatuated with her NayNay. But, she is MY baby. This is the first one to really, really get super attached to me and only me. AND...I....LOVE....IT...

Nori is the funniest, wittiest, most beautiful kid I have ever seen. She just cracks me up on a daily basis. Her vocabulary is just HUGE! Her sense of humor is something I feel she definitely got from you and her Uncle Bubba. She's a little Bi-polar, though. It's highs or lows with her. Either she is kissing me, telling me she loves me and making pretty eyes at me, or she is on the floor having a "moment". (My definition of "moment" is the step between tantrums and normalcy). She has come out of her shell SO much, you would just not believe it! You would love it. Though you and Neva were always closer, I feel Nori is more like you. She reminds me of you all the time. She is just excelling in her dance class. She had her first recital, and she did FANTASTIC. I felt you there. I found myself a bit sad on this day. Not sad sad. Happy sad. See, it dawned on me as I looked at my beautiful daughter with just a hint of make up on and the cutest little outfit ever, that time is flying. Because just yesterday, she was the cutest little newborn laying on my chest. And on this day, I faced facts that she is growing up fast. Too fast. It also occurred to me, that you would have jumped through hoops to have been sitting on that front row watching, laughing and waving. It's the first of many event's like that, and I can't help but feel sad that you weren't there to wipe my tears of joy. You would have loved it. You would love her....Her little personality is so electric. Shes smart and dramatic and just totally in charge. This can be challenging at times, but I love it and wouldn't have it any other way.

Neva is my beautiful, adventurous, curious, and analytical little angel. She is the most intelligent child I have ever encountered. A lot of times, just like when you were here and she was younger, people don't see that side of her. But she blows my mind EVERY day. She asks the most thought invoking questions and expects worthy answers. She is so observant and just soaks things up like a sponge. I believe she will never fully quench her thirst for knowledge. She can write her entire alphabet and loves memorizing how to spell words and writing them on her own. She's really into the song "Bingo" and the other day she came out of her room with it written on a sheet of paper. Under it was a drawing of a dog that was detailed far out of the range of the average four year old. Another day she came up to me and Michael and showed us a picture that she drew of Spongebob and Mr. Krabs. AS if the drawings were not spectacular enough, off to the side I saw "nick"...When I asked what that word was, she said "it's Nick. Spongebob comes on Nick" (as in Nickelodeon). She has memorized the spelling! I thought two things in that moment; 1.) I need to cut down on tv time. and 2.) MY BABY IS BRILLIANT! (of course, I could be a lil bit biased). She isn't just smart, she is super creative, as well. We go through a pack of contruction paper per week around here. She likes to make "books" and read them to me. On New Year's day she fell and hit her front teeth. So, the next day I took her to the dentist and he said that one was fractured. There was hope that it would mend itself and tighten back up. But, in the last few days it has began to discolor, so I think she is going to lose it. This made me so, so sad, Mama. I was just beside myself. I'm still not ready to laugh about it yet. Neva is tough though. She handled it better than me. I'm hoping that toughness comes in handy this Spring, when she starts playing soccer. Where Nori reminds me of you, Neva reminds me of me. She is a deep thinker. She worries about things that she shouldn't and she gets "in her head" too much like I do. She is very loving. She has started sassing me a bit, because she really wants autonomy and independence. When she gets in big trouble, which isn't often, it's because of her back talking and complete desire to do her own thing. She's actually my right hand gal. I remember you used to call me "your right arm". I get it now. She is my little helper. She still talks about you, and she surprises me with her memories. They are still pretty vivid. But you can tell that life without you has now become her norm. I find this bittersweet. Sometimes she catches me crying here or there, and though I try to play it off, she knows. I can see it. She usually hugs me and moves my hair out of my face. She'll say something like "You're thinking about your mom aren't you?" or " You really miss my Gammy. It's ok".  Then, she disappears and reappears with a custom "cheer you up" piece of artwork. Her heart is phenomenal. I am in awe and in love with her depth.

When I miss you the most, is when it pertains to them. When something funny happens or is said I want to call and laugh with you. When someone gets hurt or sick I want to call and hear your wise and soothing words. When I am just stressed out like crazy, I want you to calm me down with one of your tender hugs and crack me up with your crazy sense of humor.. In those moments I miss you physically, because you were my help. You were my "first-mate" in Wal-Mart that helped me keep them in the buggy. You were my babysitter so I could do a deep clean on the house, or run to town hassle free. You were the one that MADE me leave them with you and go take an occasional moment to myself. But even more than that, I miss you emotionally. You were my support system. My "Nikki, you're doing a great job", reinforcer. You were my back patter and my motivator. You always made things better some how. I miss that so much. My mother in law is a great help. And the girls adore her. But just like your cooking, there just ain't nothing like your love, help and support. Yesterday the oldest girls were in the bathtub. Neva kept telling me she had to go to the bathroom, and I kept telling her to hold it until bath time was over. I mean, she has been potty trained since two years old--I wasn't really worried about it. Then, Mili started crying, and I could hear that she was hoarse. See, Nori has strep throat, so this hoarseness alarmed me. In eleven months, Mili has managed to never get sick. Not like dr-visit sick, anyway. So I wondered as my ears led me to her hoarse cry, if this would be her first time. When I went in there to pick her up out of her crib, I realized my fears were correct. She was BURNING UP with fever. I immediately headed for the bathtub to try and get her temp down quickly. You know I can handle a lot of things, busted teeth, allergic reactions, bleeding bobos...But I can't handle fever. It FREAKS me out. I sprinted to the bath tub, just before I put her in, I noticed the dark "particles" floating around. I didn't even have to ask. I knew. I knew and it was MY fault. Her tummy wasn't in the best shape, and she was trying to tell me. I could practically hear you laughing at me. I finally got everything and everyone cleaned up and after Ms. Becky came over to sit with them to let me run to the store for ibuprofen--the baby's fever FINALLY came down. That night, after everyone was asleep, I cried. I cried and cried and cried. I couldn't help but wonder what life would be like now, with you here with me. It is hard to picture most of the time. But I could see me freaking out sitting in front of the tub, pouring water on Mili and praying the fever would break. Then I turn around and see you standing behind me with loving and sympathetic eyes. The girls let you in and they continued to watch cartoons, because your visits are so regular, it's the norm. You have two little goody bags for the older kids, a can of chicken noodle for Mili, and a diet coke and a hug for me. I could see you letting me cry on your shoulder, and you understanding that I was just completely on edge and worried, and in actuality I'm not slap stone crazy...Yet, anyway. You'd get it. I can see it, but then again, I can't, ya know?

Yes, things are hectic and chaotic and loud and super dramatic, but I am so happy, Mama. I am so happy. I live in a trailer that is too small for this growing family, I'm still carrying 20lbs of baby weight, my hair is mom-tastic, you have to hop, skip and jump to keep from tripping over toys and laundry.....But all things considered, life is perfect for me---except for one thing. One missing person...One very important, irreplaceable missing person. You.

I know that you are just spectacular. I feel this. --That is the only reason I don't ask. I know you are more beautiful than ever and absolutely perfect. I also know that you have already seen most of what I just told you. It just feels nice to tell you things like the old days.  I hope so badly that you are proud of me as a wife and mother...and also as a Christian.... You have always been my life and a driving force for me. That has not changed now. Your guidance and advice through the years is in my head and your strength and will is forever in my heart and it drives me and encourages me each day and with each decision I make.

I may never fully adjust to life without you, Mama.....Your absence may never become real to me.... I may forever be subconsciously waiting for the day you return and life resumes normalcy. But while I wait, I will try my best to make you proud. I will live my life and soak up my moments--even the crazy, chaotic, stressful ones where someone poops in the bath tub.........Stop laughing, Mom.

I love you SO much lil lady.

Bushel and a peck,

Hug around the neck...

All of my heart....


Love,

Nikki