Thank You Amanda

I'm standing outside on a dark, dark night. I look around and everything looks foreign, but it feels familiar. I am looking up at a starry sky. The stars are twinkling like diamonds and my eyes are drawn to them so strongly, I can't look away. That's when, I hear her voice. I don't see her, but I hear her. It's definitely her. I ask her if she is okay, and without hearing her answer, I feel that she is happy. I can't remember her exact words in the beginning, but I know she was trying to tell me something very, very important...................

I know I have said this a couple of times, but I am sorry I have been avoiding writing. As I told a special person earlier, writing has been my therapy through this whole thing. I have cried on this keyboard so many times, I can't believe it still works. I have hit this desk with my fists, and I have smiled, even giggled to myself as I recalled a beautiful day and told you all about it. But, my writing takes me to a vulnerable and fragile place where I am forced to embrace the loss of her. And sometimes, just sometimes, ignoring that pain seems easier. But that special person I mentioned earlier, Amanda,  reminded me that there are more people reading this than just my sister in law and close friends. There are a couple people out there going through the exact same thing that I went through with my mom. I don't want them to think avoiding their feelings is the right way to handle this situation. Because it absolutely is not. You have to face this thing head on, and be strong. So, here I am.

I have made it through almost all the big firsts, and I am okay. We are, amazingly, approaching the one-year mark and that just freaking blows my mind. I cannot believe it has almost been a year since I hugged my sweet little mama. I miss her, horribly. But, I will say, I don't feel as depressed. For the last 10 months, I have fought off depression symptoms with all my might. Looking back, perhaps it would have been in mine, and my family's best interests if I had got on some antidepressants. Every day that I woke up, I would play with the kids and try to be myself, but secretly I was counting down till the girls' nap time so that I could go back to sleep. I was insanely sleepy. Then, my insomnia kept me up most of the night. Tylenol PM became my best friend, and even then, I woke up the next morning sleepy, and the cycle continued. I had no energy. I didn't really feel like doing anything physical, and what little bit I did around the house, took great effort. I was easy to anger and impatient. Not two characteristics of the pre-cancer me. I cried a lot. I speak of all this in the past tense because I seem to be getting a little better. One morning, (I can't pin point which one-- it was around Christmas), I woke up and I wasn't sleepy. I had a little more energy (although I didn't use it to clean the house :/  ) And at nap time, I COULDN'T sleep with the kids because I wasn't tired (once again, I didn't clean, I watched tv). I didn't feel as mad, or impatient....In fact, I KIND OF felt like the old me. I still cry. Not near as often, but  I still do. The other night, I had a melt down in the bedroom (the kids were in the living room with Michael). I have given a lot of nights the title: "worst night yet", but I am afraid that one really takes the cake. I had her pictures spread all over the bedroom floor and I sat in a little hole between the bed and a wall. I cried so hard, it literally hurt my face. The next morning, my eyes were practically swole shut. I didn't even know that was possible until I lost my mom. So anyway, I definitely still cry. Perhaps I will always occasionally have a meltdown. But, I can feel myself getting stronger. I do still have trouble sleeping at night, but, I have hopes that I will soon conquer that symptom as well. Like I said, looking back, I probably could have avoided some of these symptoms had I really faced facts and talked to a dr. And I encourage anyone who thinks they may be depressed to do the same. But I am happy to report, that for a couple weeks now, my depression-type symptoms seem to be alleviating. Fingers crossed that it stays that way. My husband and children are gifts from God. They have tolerated me in my every form. I am forever grateful to them.

What has kept me afloat until now, is my ever evolving relationship with Jesus. For my non-believing readers out there, please don't roll your eyes. Please. Please just understand, that if you have not accepted Jesus as your Savior, you are missing your number one companion in life and beyond. Do you think I would have made it through all of this without Him? Listen to me....I WOULD NOT HAVE MADE IT. Please take a moment to hear the Gospel, to talk to someone about your salvation, and to consider changing your life today. Today is the day. When I refer to "the day I got saved", I was saved in so many different ways, I can't begin to really describe them all to you. It's truly amazing. This beautiful relationship saves me again and again everyday. I strongly encourage my lost friends out there to embrace the love that is offered to you by God. Words can't describe it, you have to feel it to "get it". Oh, and my church family, they are incredible. It is something I have never had outside of my relatives. I  have my faith in my heart and soul. But, I have my church family to hold my hand and wipe my tears. They don't judge me when I cry as I speak about my loss. They cry with me. They don't walk away, when I talk about her, yet again. They listen as though its the first time they've heard it.  They keep me walking straight and upright. They have been  irreplaceable through this.

I pray constantly....And usually tacked on to each prayer is a request. I am not sure it meets prayer etiquette. I am not sure it is appropriate. But, none the less, I ask God every time....."Please allow my mom to find a way to talk to me. Please. I just want to talk to her......."

I'm standing outside on a dark, dark night. I look around and everything looks foreign, but it feels familiar. I am looking up at a starry sky. The stars are twinkling like diamonds and my eyes are drawn to them so strongly, I can't look away. That's when, I hear her voice. I don't see her, but I hear her. It's definitely her. I ask her if she is okay, and without hearing her answer, I feel that she is happy. I can't remember her exact words in the beginning, but I know she was trying to tell me something very, very important. I asked "can you see us?" and she replied "I see some things". I told her I missed her. Though I can't remember her response, I felt that she misses me too. She is proud of me, and of my brothers. I felt that she had something very important to tell me. Finally she said it "live your life in a way that glorifies Him. Live your life in a way that will lead to us". She told me she loved me. Then she said "I will see you again, when you ascend". And just like that, she was gone. I continued to stare up at that sky full of diamonds. My arms were extended to the Heavens as I danced around and yelled "I KNEW YOU'D FIND A WAY! I LOVE YOU! THANK YOU! I was crying tears of joy. Then, around 3am, I woke up in my bed. My eyes were still full of tears. And the smile was still on my face. And my heart was still full of joy. And I knew my prayer was answered. Though returning to my slumber that night, forced me to forget some of the details of my conversation with my mom, my heart remembers because I still feel her answers. I feel her. I feel God. I feel complete.





Sweet, sweet Amy,

Your cousin, Amanda,  emailed me and I know a little about your story. I am so flattered that my documenting this time in my life has offered you even a little bit of comfort.....
Please keep yourself strong for your mother. You CAN do this sweetheart. You have got a long road ahead of you, but if you put your faith in God, you can tackle any obstacle. Do me a favor and soak up the moments you have with her. Don't let a single word go unspoken, hug left ungiven, and please, please, don't let one moment go uncherished. I hope you continue to find comfort here and feel free to email me anytime. I will be more dedicated to my writing for those like you and your precious cousin Amanda. Please remember to pray. My mom didn't live a full life like I begged for in prayer, but she lives on in me. She didn't walk through my door the other night, after I prayed to talk to her. But, I talked to her, none the less. Pray, pray, pray sweet girl. Sometimes those prayers are not answered the way we want them to be, but they are heard and answered all the same.

I will pray for you and your family......

Thank you Amanda......