Little Miss Lady Bug

I drove away from the cemetery today, silently wiping the tears from my eyes and thinking about mom more than ever. The girls rested quietly in the backseat as I drove home from, what was supposed to be, a quick trip to town. As I left the cemetery drive and approached the main road, my heavy heart was weighing me down and my tears were seemingly never going to stop. I didn't want the girls to know, so I was careful to not sniffle to loudly. Then I glanced to my left and saw a cute little ladybug on my window. Her color was vibrant and her spots were pronounced....I hoped she would fly off of my window, as I knew my speed was going to increase very soon. I put my eyes on the road, where they belong.  But I couldn't help myself... My curiosity kept forcing me to look at her. Her wings were fluttering in the wind as I continued to accelerate. As I stared at her holding on with all her might, I couldn't help but think how alike we are, she and I.

I'm going to be honest, my absence from my blog lately has been intentional. I'd love to tell you that I've been so busy that I haven't time to write, but sadly that's not the case. Though I've had some pretty good days since I last reported, I think it is in large part to COMPLETELY IGNORING my feelings. I thought about writing every day, because this blog is my therapy. But, each time the thought popped in my head- I immediately felt anxious, and almost sick. I knew that writing about her, thinking of her, or embracing my feelings about her could ruin the "good-day streak" I had going. Though I know avoidance is not the healthiest grief strategy- I thought maybe, just maybe, I could avoid my way through the holidays.... Well, I am here tonight telling you that I was wrong. The last three days have been the worst days yet. I was ok until I realized that Christmas is sneaking up and I haven't bought the first gift! This thought inevitably led to a thought about shopping. Then, I thought about past shopping, and I thought about her. It's just a domino effect of thoughts. I thought about past years of Mom and I roaming aisles looking for the perfect gift. Mama didn't play when it came to Christmas presents... She didn't really have the money to buy for us or the grand kids year- round, so Christmas was her field day... And she took it very, very seriously. Many a day I have followed behind her as she stomped out of a store because she didn't find what she wanted. Of course, of all the years, the memory of LAST year was threatening to break my happy streak. She was so sick and just trying to hold on for us. I didn't know it at the time, but she was holding on so tight. We shopped together for very short periods at a time. She tired out so quickly, that we had to spread it out over a few small quick trips. She didn't get crazy over the gifts either, like usual. As I've told you before- at this point her mentality toward material things had completely changed. And she held my hand every time we sat back down in the car. EVERY time. I remember glancing over at her in the passenger seat, her little body barely taking up half the space, and she would always be looking at me. Just looking. I wonder now, what it was that she was thinking. Maybe I should have asked....But maybe I already knew. After the shopping thought pulled at my heart- the thought of wrapping presents tore it into a million pieces. I simply thought- "maybe I'll get Dora or princess wrapping paper"... The next thing I know, (domino effect) I'm huge and pregnant sitting on my living room floor wrapping up toys and looking at my tired and sickly little mama who had just randomly showed up at my house. When she walked in my front door, she literally collapsed onto the couch because she was so tired. The 15 minute drive to my house wore her out. The kids were in the bed for nap time, so it was just us two. She was barely talking and looking back, I think I know why. She was using every tiny bit of energy she had left in her body to spend time with us. As she would have good days and bad days through her fight she would say "sorry I haven't been talking too much... I have felt so bad I just didn't want to talk". I know that as she laid silently on my couch that day, it was because she was just feeling pitiful. Too tired to even speak. I also know that she forced her body to drive there, because she knew something I didn't. She knew time was very, very limited. I kinda wish that pregnant girl had thrown the nap schedule away and woke up the Neva and Nori to come and see her. They can't see her now... I remember trying my best to look at my wrapping and not look at her, because it was tearing me up how bad she looked. I wish I had been strong enough to just stare at her, difficult or not. I wish I had walked over to the couch and made her scoot over so I could lay with her, because I would give anything to see her and feel her now. These memories and hundreds more have plagued me in the last few days. Yes, I have been overwhelmed by sadness. I can't even escape it in my sleep, because I've even been dreaming about her as well. One night I dreamed she and I were talking and laughing, then in a snap she was limp on the floor. I was screaming for help, but none came. I held her there in my arms and told her I loved her. I was crying. And just before I woke up, she told me back. I awoke crying, and couldn't help but see the similarities in real life. After all, it feels like one minute, we were together and laughing.....And the next, she was gone forever. And there was no one that could help me.

This season and all the absolute joy I feel, (because I do feel overly blessed), has also freshened my heartache and perhaps taken it to a new level.....Is that a contradiction too? I am good at those. I am happy, but I am hurting worse than ever. It may not make sense, but I promise it's true. I feel as though I need her more than ever and at times--her memory is so vivid I can feel her. I can smell her. You would think that "presence" would help, but so far it has just fueled the pain.

Literally ALL I want for Christmas this year, is something I can never, ever have again. I want a hug from my sweet Mama.

So, yesterday as I stared at little Miss Lady Bug riding on my window, holding on with all her little might, I felt a connection to her. Perhaps, we are all a little like her. We are taking a very unpredictable ride. There are dips, and turns and it can be pretty bumpy. We literally feel the weight of the world pushing against us sometimes. It is scary, because we don't know what will happen next. It is sad, because we know that where ever we are going, isn't the same as where we have been. But this ride, this crazy thing we call "life" it brings some great things too. And those things make the pain, the fear, the tears and the sadness all worth it. As we reached our destination and that tough little tiny lady bug went from the window, to my hand, to her new home--I couldn't help but think that, we too,  must be tough like her and hang on tight. After all, we are in the hands of our "Driver" as well. And our Driver is compassionate and loving. I've needed Him more than ever in my Mom's absence, and He saves me from this world and from myself everyday. Though there may be turbulence, things we don't understand and fear of the unknown along the trip, we must trust Him. He will guide us to our final destination. So, let's sit back and try our best to enjoy the ride.

I praise my God for guiding me along this journey.