Seven Months

Dear Mama,

Today marks seven months since you left. I think I speak for all of us when I say, that we think of you constantly. We talk about you nonstop. We miss you so much. But, we're all okay, Mom. I mean, we're good for what the situation is.

Ronnie's football season is off and rolling. They have a bunch of really young players, so the season (so far) hasn't been jam packed with victories. But they are excited to see will happen as these boys mature, perfect their talents, and gain more experience on the field. He gets really, REALLY stressed out before a game, and it even effects him physically. I worry about him all the time, but I know he is doing what he loves.

Josh has been busy as well. His job definitely keeps him going. Remember when he announced that he was changing jobs. You were excited but scared for him. We all were. We all knew how close he is to Amber and the boys, and how difficult out of town jobs would be on him. We reassured ourselves by thinking, "well, at least he's not going offshore". I got to tell ya mom, the unpredictability of his job is crazy! He never knows when he might be leaving and how long he might be gone. But he enjoys what he's doing and handles it wonderfully.

Amber is amazing. She can do it all! She can raise sweet heart little boys, get a degree, sub all day, get all of her laundry done, mow the grass and then have supper on the table. She is trying to sub as much as possible and get a foot in the door of her future job, the teaching profession. She was already qualified to teach 7th-12th grade, but after passing the Praxis II the other day, she can now teach 4th -12th. She's trying to balance her desire to stay home with the boys with her passion for teaching and she is definitely in a tug of war. As you know she is very strong in her faith, so I am sure she will pray until she finds the answer she is looking for.

Michael is all over the place. Lots of big things are happening for him. Of course he is still managing Shipley's, as he will forever and always. But, he is also getting more involved in real estate/rental properties and he recently even attained his license to sell used vehicles. All of this is in addition to his duties out here on the farm. Usually he is gone in the mornings long before 4am and he comes in around dark every night. You always said he was a workaholic. That's never been more prevalent than it is right now. I am happy that he is chasing his dreams and I will stand by him the whole way.

Neva is doing better. She still talks about you alot. I have said it before, that I figured SEVEN months in, I would be showing the girls pictures to keep your memory alive. But it still blows my mind everyday, when she talks about you like you were here yesterday. She is so smart, Mama. Of course, I know I don't have to tell you that. Her emotions seem to be more in control. She's doing great. But, there are still moments: The other day, she got in trouble for pushing her sister. I scolded her and put her in her room. When she came out, she had drawn a picture. She showed it to me with a trembling lip. She explained that in the picture, she was leaving Earth and flying to a new planet. As she spoke, she began to cry. Like, really cry. I picked her up and held her and asked repeatedly why she was crying. I mean, she gets in trouble a million times a day, why cry this time? She finally calmed down and told me that the reason she wanted to fly to another planet was to see you, her Gammy. I started to cry. I told her that was the sweetest thing I had ever heard. But I reminded her that we couldn't fly to see you (this isn't the first time she has suggested us flying to Heaven), but in fact we must wait here until God calls for us to come join you. Then I distracted her with a trip to the local park here in Sandersville. She is my sweet heart. She is just so sweet and sensitive. She's my helper --just like I used to be for you. She still hurts for you, but I can see her healing.

Nori....Oh my goodness, where do I start? Nori is hilarious. She has a HUGE vocabulary but all anyone ever hears is "NO!". Her hair is unreal. I really thought those curls would be gone by now, like Neva's are. But, it's even curlier than when you saw her last. It's just plain beautiful. Mama, this little girl can dance like nothing I have ever seen. She's so great at it, that I have signed her up for a local dance class. During her first class, she really clammed up and wanted me to hold her. I didn't really realize it, but I think I have some "pageant mom" in me! It was killing me that she would not perform. But, by the end of the class she had warmed up and was a little more involved. I really look forward to seeing what this class does for her socially. She talks about you, when Neva does. Every now and then it is unprompted, and this always baffles me because she had JUST turned two when you passed. How could she possibly remember? We will go somewhere for the first time since you passed and she'll say "We used to come here with GAMMY!" Part of me loves it, and part of me hurts when they talk about their memory of you so vividly. Nori, for whatever reason, makes me think of you all the time. I think it is because I wish so badly, I could hear what you'd have to say about her now. She's my angel, but she is just bad to the bone and I think you would love it. I think you and her would have got in some trouble together.

Mili...is...my.....heart.. Oh my goodness, Mom, I wish so bad....SO BAD that you could be here to see her and experience her. She is the best baby EVER. I mean it. She is just precious. She's so sweet. She smiles non stop and giggles constantly at her sisters. The older two just adore her, so they dote on her. ( She might be just a little spoiled). She has two teeth, but eats table food like she's got a mouthful of teeth, she rolls EVERYWHERE, and is getting up on all fours and rocking more and more every day. But this kid will NOT sit up. She can, I've seen her do it. Unassisted. But usually she starts smiling and throws herself back, like it's a game or something. Just recently, she has developed, what I am thinking is, a stranger anxiety. If someone new gets in her face and talks to her she starts crying. The other night at bible study, the nursery workers had to send for me TWICE, because she wouldn't calm down. Then, I came walking out of the bedroom with my hair up in a towel, the other morning and it was obvious that she didn't recognize me and she flipped out. She actually lost her breath! Michael can hold her for about a second before she starts reaching for me. This is new and I hope it passes quickly, because no one benefits from a baby being that attached to her mom and that scared of others. If you were here, I know you would demand that I leave her with you a couple times a week to get her used to being away from me. Or at least, that is the cover that you would use to get some time with your youngest lil grand baby.

Let's see....Who's left?? Oh yeah...Me....

I'm attending most of Ronnie's games, with all three girls in tow. Amber and I are getting the kids together as much as we can, and then again during our family dinner every week. I have received no degrees, passed no tests, coached no one, and made no money. I don't work outside the home, yet my laundry is overflowing, you have to put forth great effort to step on a part of the floor that isn't covered with toys, and my car looks like we live in it--but need to be evicted. However, I have done my absolute best to put my sadness aside and be a good mom. Nori is in dance, Neva resumes gymnastics this week, I do a lesson with them most everyday and work with Mili on reaching her milestones. We ride bikes everyday and go to the park a couple times a week. We are a little more active at Journey, so with all the running and activities, going to the gym seemed like a waste of time and gas. However, I do miss that glorious hour to myself. I am almost never without my girls. I sometimes yearn for a career and Independence. Just like all moms, (I'm sure you did this too), I feel sometimes I would give anything for a quiet moment. An uninterrupted shower would be nice. The ability to clean without having to stop and break up arguments, change a diaper or put the curtains back up after they've been jerked down would be good. The ability to read or write some time other than 1 or 2am, would be great. But then I remind myself of the commitment I made to these kids, to myself and to Michael. You knew the plan. I would devote myself entirely to them until they started school. I would give them what I had as a small child. I planned to give them my undivided attention until they each started kindergarten--and that's exactly what I am going to do. About once a week ( or more) when I get to that breaking point where I feel like I might blow a gasket, I remember that this is just a moment in time. I will blink and Mili will be graduating high school and this will be but a mere sweet memory that makes me happy and sad. I will want this day back. I know I will. I won't remember the stressful stuff. Or perhaps I will remember it, but it won't seem quite so stressful to a more mature Nikki. That Nikki will have plenty of quiet time to herself that is uninterrupted. She will have a career. She will have the things that I don't have now, but she will wish to have this craziness back. When I think of this, I am encouraged to suck it up and enjoy my blessings. So I do. I know you were always worried about me doing this alone. Bless his heart, Michael isn't a whole lot of help to me physically. Emotionally, I always have a shoulder. But as far as literal physical help--his plate is beyond full already. But I'm okay, Mama. It's hard, but I've got this. I think you're probably pretty proud of me.  I hope so, anyway.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't want to talk to you. I have so many questions about the kids. I have questions about everything. I miss you helping me without my even asking. I miss the praise, I won't lie. It didn't matter how messy my house was, or how the kids might misbehave, or how much extra weight I was carrying or throwed together I looked---you always thought I was the best wife and mother and you thought I was beautiful. It really doesn't matter if anyone else says those things, because I wouldn't believe it without you saying it. There was just something about you. You were so brutally honest, that when something came out of your mouth, I knew it had to be true. Yours were the only words that could defeat my low self esteem, if only for a moment. I miss your laugh. Your absolutely contagious laugh. I miss your ability to cuss and it not sound vulgar, it was just funny. I miss your smell. I miss the feel of your cheek brushing mine after a tight warm hug. I miss you kissing my forehead. I miss you holding my hand. I miss your wise advice. I miss your calming words. I miss your sick sense of humor. I miss fixing your hair. I miss our road trips. I miss your sarcasm. I miss those beautiful green eyes of yours. I miss your sympathetic smile. I miss your hands. I miss my friend. I miss my mama. I miss you.

Every time I see a butterfly, I think you sent it to me. Every time I see a unique cloud formation with a beautiful ray of sunshine peeking through and lighting even the cloudiest day, I think you created it. When the girls say something cute, or especially when they say something vulgar, I think you whispered it to them. When A beautiful bird soars over and shows each colorful feather stretched out with all it's majesty, I think you're behind it. Those rare moments when I am alone, I think you are sitting next to me. When I hear Neva playing and talking to herself in her room, I wonder if you're there. I know this all sounds ridiculous, but I cannot control these thoughts. I think it and feel it every time, and, it brings a smile to my face. If it's not true, don't tell me, please. Ignorance is bliss.

We all miss you and hurt for your loss everyday. But we are doing exactly what you wanted us to do, Mama. We are staying together. We are doing our best. We are moving forward. We are living.

You will never know the full extent of my love and admiration for you. It can't possibly be put into words.

I love you lil lady.

Talk to you soon...

Love,

Nikki