Dear Nikki

My sister in law, Amber, sent me me a poem she found online. It was worded as though the author was in Heaven, and the recipient was still here on earth. It was beautiful and uplifting, yet also sad and I ended up crying as I read. After I read it, I sat there and thought....If Mom really wrote me right now, what would she say? Just like everything else that pops in my mind, this thought didn't come and go. It lingered and I dwelled on it. I thought and thought and rethought and over thought....Then, I decided to write for you what I thought she might write to me:


My sweet baby girl,

The days leading up to my passing were so hard on you and the boys. I was so worried about y'all and I wanted to comfort you and reassure you, but I couldn't. My body would not do a single thing I wanted it to. I couldn't get my mind to think clearly. It was so aggravating! I'm sorry about the night that I fell, I know y'all were scared to death. I just wanted to be well, so I tried to make myself well. When I eased out of bed that night, I didn't know my legs had stopped working. I'm sorry about that whole night. I know you and the boys still think of it often and it hurts your hearts to remember me that way. I thought if I fought hard enough, I could make my body work. I was wrong, Nikki. The day before God came and got me, was a tough one for you kids. All the family and friends were there. But, I know how alone you three felt. I know you, Nikki, felt pulled in million directions. You didn't like being separated from your girls, your baby was a week and a half old, and you were losing your mom. Ronnie was quiet and keeping to himself. He came in and talked to me alot as I lay in my bed. I wanted to hold him so badly. I could just feel his heartache. Josh never wanted anyone to see his emotions....Even me. I know he was hurting, but he felt it was his responsibility to appear strong for the family. When Hospice asked you to do things for me that I did for you as an infant, I knew it was time for me to head Home. I never wanted you kids to care for me in that way. You know that. So, that faithful morning as you three stood over me crying and saying the nicest things and making my heart swell with love, I decided to let go of life there on earth and be free. I saw y'all crying and hugging one another. You were so strong. I am so very, very proud of y'all.

The funeral was beautiful. You did everything I asked you to do. Justin, Robyn, and Josh honored my memory with lovely singing performances. And Brother Robby is just wonderful. I've always thought so. Ronnie was so thoughtful to put that slide show together for me. I know, as he was losing me, looking at all those photos was very, very difficult for him. He did a great job, though. But, then again, he's always been good at that kind of stuff. I saw how self conscious you were that day. Mili was only two weeks old, Nikki. You can't expect to have lost all your weight by then. I can't believe you even wasted a moment thinking about that. You have GOT to stop worrying so much about frivolous things. Please don't waste another moment worrying. Y'all did a great job holding up and greeting all of my guests at the funeral. There was nothing easy about walking away from the grave that day, but y'all did it so bravely.

Since the funeral, alot has been happening. I saw you crying and begging God to help you understand several times. I saw you snapping at the girls, though they were just being kids. I saw you struggle to get out of bed, and moping when you did. I saw you yelling at Michael, that he "didn't understand". I saw your frustration with the extended family and I saw the resentment building in your heart for things that were said and done, or not said and not done.. I saw your anger building back up, as it was when I was first sick, before you found God. I saw everything, Nikki. I saw it. And baby, I am not disappointed. I promise. Far from it. How could I ever be? Your worrying must stop. It just must! I've also seen some great things. I've seen you praying and talking to God. You thank him for your blessings repeatedly. I've seen you and the boys get together every weekend. I've seen y'all talking frequently and supporting one another. I've seen you working with those girls, playing with those girls, hugging and kissing those girls and cuddling and giggling with those girls. They are so lucky to have you. I 've seen you doing things to help others, in my honor. I've seen you advising Michael to cherish his moments with his parents. I've seen you and him leaning on one another for support in difficult times. I've seen you trying to put a smile on and forget hurtful things that have been said by family members. I've seen you trying to move forward. I've seen you reading the Bible and trying to strengthen your relationship with God. I've seen...and I still see. And oh my goodness, I could not be prouder of all three of my babies.

Nikki, you have to know that this is what He wanted. Baby, it may not make sense to y'all, but it is that way it must be. You have to trust that there is a Grand Plan in the works and February 17th at 4:39am, was my time to participate first hand in the unfolding of The Plan. I do miss you sweetheart. All of you. And my beautiful grand babies....Oh my goodness, how I long to hold them. But I do not hurt like you, because I can see what you can't, baby. You can't see it yet, but you must have faith. There is a beautiful place where we will all be together again, and there will be no pain, or loss or suffering. Though that day will bring such happiness, I want you to enjoy your time on Earth. I want you to live your life to the fullest. I want you to stop wasting time worrying. I want you to laugh from your belly, and play like a child. I want you to work like I taught you and help when you can. I want you to love the unlikeable, I want you to forgive the unforgivable, and more than anything, I want you to love God, trust His Plan, and pray constantly. Cling tight to your faith, because it will bring you to Heaven with God and me, when your journey ends. Until then, I will proudly watch over each one of you.

I love you so much baby.

Bushel and a peck...

Hug around the neck...

and all my heart.

Give the girls a kiss for me.

Love,

Mama