Mama's Secret

There's something I think about all the time. I am intrigued by it. I am inspired by it. I am, quite frankly, a little dumbfounded by it. I get it, but really I don't..............but I want to.................

I always feel like I am running around like crazy......Some days, I look up and the moon has made it's way out and I haven't even took my kids outside to play, or I haven't laughed....Like really laughed, or I haven't held my girls and read to them, or I haven't kissed the love of my life, or I haven't prayed enough..... or at all. These are the days I hate. I worry there are too many of these days. Then again, I have this magical ability to worry about nothing. I mean everything AND nothing. I will prove it:

Here's the tip of the iceberg:

• I worry that I don't spend enough QUALITY time with my kids
• I worry that I spend TOO much time with my kids
• I worry that I am not contributing to our household financially
• I worry that Michael has too much on his plate
• I worry that the kids don't get enough of him
• I worry about that smell under my kitchen sink
• I worry that I am not good enough...At anything...
• I worry about my big brother and his blood pressure even though he says its fine
• I worry about my little brother and the fact that he hides his emotions
• I worry about Amber taking on too much and trying to be Superwoman
• I worry about Sharon, Punkin and Ricky and their grieving (my mama's siblings)
• I worry that I may be addicted to The Real Housewives Franchise
• I worry about Neva and her constant talking about mom
• I worry about accidentally mowing another piece of firewood with Michael's zero turn
• I worry about losing one of my kids in wal mart
• I worry about killing , harming,  reprimanding too sternly one of my kids in wal mart
• I worry about wrecking my car
• I worry about Michael wrecking his truck
• I worry about everyone wrecking their vehicles
• I worry that nice lady from the Relay for Life meeting is mad at me because I stole her pen (I didn't mean to) (but it's an awesome pen)
• I worry about my mother in law not taking care of herself
• I worry about someone visiting my house when there's no where to sit because the laundry is everywhere
• I worry after a conversation how I sounded...Dumb? Nervous? Inconsiderate? Rude?
• I worry that I might take a cruise one day, and the ship might sink
• I worry that I might fly in an airplane one day, and the plane might crash
• I worry that my worrying will make the kids worry
• I worry that I waste too much time worrying and I will regret it one day

 I spared you the more ridiculous ones, the more creepy ones and just how specific and detailed the worries can get. My faith has helped tremendously, and I know it will alleviate alot more as I grow into a more mature Christian. My mom used to stay on me about my worrying. But, she was a worrier as well. Nothing like me. But, still a worrier none the less. In fact, I always blamed her for making me this way...Of course, I took it to the next level (or the next).  In her last 6-8 months, she knew her time was growing short. I watched her change. The little problems that once would have eaten her alive, suddenly became funny. The bigger problems that she once would have found undefeatable, suddenly became vincible. She didn't get bogged down in the "he-said, she-said" like she might have just a little while earlier. She let grudges go. She avoided conflict at all costs. Gossip wasn't fun to her anymore. Though my hand had always existed, it suddenly became irresistible to her. She held it constantly. She laughed,(a good hearty laugh), every chance she got. The things once ranked high on her list (work, running errands....just running, running, running etc),  became less important and were replaced by the real important things (God, family, love, soaking up each moment etc).  The moments that used to fly by, became longer and sweeter, because they were filled with life....not what "we make into life"...but real life. Everything ssslllllooooowwweeeddd down. She walked and talked slower. She took time to notice and stood in awe of the tiny things that once would have been insignificant. She recognized and was thankful for all the magical gifts God gives us, like the colors in the sky as the sun was setting, or the smell of the salty beach that she loved so much. When the beauty of Autumn caused the trees to let go of their beloved brilliantly colored leaves, she held hands with her grand babies and taught them to catch them as they drifted down to the earth. She began to be more honest about her feelings.  She told everyone that she loved them, and it wasn't just words. She hugged everyone, and it wasn't just an action. She was so calm and content. It was amazing.

Like I said, it's something I think about all the time. I am intrigued by it. I am inspired by it. I am, quite frankly, a little dumbfounded by it. I get it, but really I don't............but I want to...................I noticed her tremendous change in the moment, but in hindsight, its mind boggling. My mama's last months here with us were beautiful. They were sickly. They were priceless. They were sad. They were perfect. As you can see, I have very mixed emotions. But the specific behavior I am talking about...The thing that invades my every thought, is how my mom prioritized everything so differently in the end. Her priorities actually appeared to have flipped upside down. Her thought process seemed to change. Her actions and reactions changed. As she faced the end of her life, her life changed. It changed for the better. Much, much better. I can't help but wonder, what did she know that I don't?