If anyone thought anything about my absence from my blog recently, I am finally ready to tell ya what happened.
Last Saturday a friend of my brother, lost his mom to cancer........ I kept up with her situation through my mom and through my brother. She had been battling long before my mom's diagnosis, and she lived almost nine months after my mom's passing. Their fights were similar and yet completely different. Facing her loss, brought up a lot of old feelings that I'm apparently not emotionally mature enough to handle. I have come to a conclusion---
I will never, EVER, get over this hurt.
Ever.
After hearing the news of her loss, I was sitting in my car and I began to cry. My heart's fresh wound was ripped back open. Don't mistake me, this wasn't a woman I saw every day, every week, or even every month. But she was a beautiful person with a precious family. And when I thought of her loved ones in those first moments after loss--I couldn't help but cry for their hurt. I know that feeling. It's so surprising when it happens. Even if you kind of know it's coming, it's a shock when you know your mom has breathed her last breath, and she's gone. She's never going to smile at you again, she's never going to gripe at you again, she's never going to squeeze you tight again, she's never coming back--and there's nothing you can do about it. When I thought of those poor kids (who are adults), I was overcome with hurt for them. I cried the entire day as I was flooded with memories from that faithful day back in February, when my life changed forever.
Sunday, I awoke ready to announce to my church family that I was saved. I don't know why I waited a year to walk down, but I did. God had been pulling at my heart for a couple Sundays--so I knew it was time to make it public and finish the process. When I got to church, I was still fighting tears....Partly for Ms. Judy's family, and partly because my mom was weighing so heavily on my heart. She was so fresh in my mind and the ache was so excruciating, it was as if not more than a day had passed since I lost her. After we walked down, and the service ended, I was bombarded with hugs and attention for my announced decision. My eyes were scanning the room as I walked out and they fell on the side view of my mom....Well, not really my mom. But in that split second when i saw a thin female frame, wearing a black sweater and pants that looked like an outfit straight out of my mom's closet, and sweet lil black hat covering her little head---I THOUGHT it was my mom. In that split second, I traveled back in time. I was the old Nikki. Mom was there. She was proud of my decision. She was making her way to me. Which reminded me: "Hey why didn't---------".....Then she made her way to me. She looked at me and smiled. I bounced back into reality and took the hug she offered. There was no need to finish my question "why didn't you sit with me?", because it wasn't my mom. My mom wasn't there. She's gone. In actuality, it was a sweet lil cancer fighter, that is the mother-in-law of a friend of mine. I accepted the hug from her tiny little body and as I held her, I couldn't help but think how eerily similar her hug felt to my mom's. I took it in. It was bittersweet. I would spend the next 10 minutes trying my best to get to my car without allowing the monsoon of tears welling up in my eyes, and the hurricane of emotions in my heart to make landfall. I made it to the parking lot before I started to cry, but by the time I made it to my car--I was devastated. I spent the ENTIRE day crying....The ENTIRE day.
That afternoon, I went to visit with my brothers friend and his family. I was very hesitant, considering my emotional condition. But I went anyway. When I walked in, I was knocked down by an overwhelmingly familiar feeling. There is this heaviness....and darkness... that hovers when there is loss. Even if you are the most devout Christian, you are human, and loss of a loved one is hard. Really, Really, hard. Though we should, it's hard to be happy or celebrate, when you have lost something so preciously wonderful in your life. When I walked in this house, I was greeted with the kindest smiling faces. But, I recognized those smiles. They are cover ups. Those smiles were covering a lot of sadness, a lot of confusion, and a lot of pain. I remember everyone coming in and out of mom's house after she passed. It's incredible. The love that people have for their hurting neighbors is mind boggling. I am so thankful for the distraction that they provided for us, during our darkest days. But, I remember forcing my smile for our welcomed guests. I was not really there, I was lost in my pain. I remember feeling scared, and alone, and broken. And with each smiling face with an armload of food, I put those feelings aside and smiled back, though I admit it wasn't authentic. The Roberson's did the same for me. I wanted to say "you don't have to smile, it's ok", but, I reminded myself that everyone handles things differently. Perhaps their smiles are authentic. Perhaps they are enlightened enough to be happy about their loved one's passing. Either way, being in that room took me, once again, to that cold February day, when I had to come to terms with the loss of my best friend. And it messed me up so bad, that I can't even express it to you.
After the weekend ended, I found a little sanity in the redundancy of our weekly routine. I grabbed it and threw myself into it. I found myself reading scripture, praying nonstop, reading the girls stories, cleaning house, doing art activities, hugging, kissing, playing, dancing and living. And, slowly, without even realizing it, I got better. I am learning, slowly but surely, that life is painful. It is joyful, it is rewarding, it is irreplaceable...But it is also painful. I am sure there are many more breakdowns in my future. But, you have to take the good with the bad, right? You have to take the loss with the gain, and the pain with the joy. And you just have to take it day by day. Today, is a new day. It's better than yesterday. I can't say what tomorrow will bring....But I can say, I will handle it. I may have pain in my heart or a tear in my eye, but I WILL handle it, and I will learn from it, and come out a stronger, wiser person than I went in.
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