Today marks the six month anniversary of your arrival in Heaven. I know you are fantastic. You are healthy and vibrant and spending some time with Mamaw and Papaw. You miss us, I know....But you're not sad because you know what the future holds. We will be together again. I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would be here today, writing a letter, for you to read in Heaven. You're my Mama. You're invincible. Though I feared the possibility of your passing---I never thought it could actually happen. I pictured you growing old and living life. I saw you involved in your grandkids' lives and trying your best to make it to every single ballgame or recital. I saw you finding love again. Someone that would take care of you and allow you to slow down and rest your weary body from working all these years. I pictured you wrinkly and happy. But the thought that always occupied my mind, and now hurts my heart, is the vision I had of me and you. In my fantasy, every time my children go through something difficult or trying, you are with me wiping my my tears and giving me advice. When they achieve something great or reach a goal---I would be cheering....With a teary eyed you behind me. They have me, and I have you. It's a beautiful thought...But it's just that....a thought.
When I worked at The Children's Academy, I flattered myself to think I was patient, understanding, and compassionate. I LOVED working with children. And you know, I was pretty darn good at it. I don't remember ever encountering a situation, that I didn't immediately feel confident with a plan I devised. Yeah, I thought I was pretty smart in the field of child development--until I had kids of my own. It was then and only then that I began to doubt myself and second guess my instincts and feel and endless amount of guilt. "Why did I raise my voice when she did that?", "I'm not doing enough fun stuff with the girls", "their days should be more structured or educational", "Am I too strict or hard on them?", "Are they happy?"--the thoughts are endless.Used to, when you were here and I had these thoughts--you'd snap me out of it. Sometimes you even got angry that I beat my self up so badly.You always reminded me that I was a good mom and stated examples to butter my bread. It was nice to hear that, from you, the best there ever was. But without you here, sometimes my feelings of inadequacy are overwhelming.
Alot is happening...Like always. So here's a little catch up...
Neva got her first haircut yesterday. She is a couple days away from her fourth birthday, so I know it is overdue. I was impressed with her, because she was SO excited and not the first bit scared. She practically jumped in the chair. Crystal Phillips at Special Effects in Laurel was WONDERFUL. Neva was as still as she could be, which made me proud---but actually wasn't very still at all. Crystal handled it like a professional and rolled with the punches. It looked great, but I was emotional and her daddy....well...he wasn't happy. Afterwards, Amber kept the little girls so I could have a little one on one with Neva. We went window shopping at the mall. Her whole demeanor was different without her sisters. Much more mature. She pointed at shoes and outfits saying "That's cute!" and "I could wear those to church". It was sweet. I can't stop thinking that, my once precious lil smushed face baby, is growing up to a beautiful little girl.
Mili refuses to sit up and is not interested in learning to crawl. BUT, she rolls every where. It doesn't matter where I lay her for "tummy time", because tummy time becomes flip flop time and when I turn around shes across the room....Or sometimes in a different room! Perhaps her interest in learning a different mode of transportation will increase, and I won't be rolling her to kindergarten one day.
Ronnie's first game of the season is tonight and we are all going. I have been praying that Ronnie and the Tornadoes have a safe and healthy year---with any luck--we'll have a successful season too! I know you'll be watching. Your seat is reserved for every ball game, (right inside my heart).
Also, Wednesday night I went to church. This is only the second time I have gone at night. It was great! When I walked in, I was greeted warmly, (as usual), then Br. Robby led a casual, open discussion about Sundays sermon. He also broke down, word for word, some verses in the Bible that were relevant to the discussion. One of the questions that was posed was something like "what causes feelings of inadequacy?", Of course, this question struck a chord with me, because you know how I battle self doubt. Several people in the room answered aloud "Other people", "media", etc......My answer, too shy to come to light, was part of the question. I feel inadequate because of me. I'm the problem. No one really makes me feel that way, and the media? Well, I know I won't be walking and Victoria's Secret runways anytime soon and I'm ok with that. But me? I can tear myself apart. Brother Robby agreed with all the answers given, but reminded us of one more....The main cause of negativity....Satan....Suddenly, I pictured him whispering doubts into my ear as I discipline the girls or try to take a moment to myself. Then making me blame myself! It is HIM....Not me....I found this to be very, very enlightening.
It's been six months and the angel that has whispered in my ear all my life, is no longer here...You're home now...The fantasy I once had was beautiful....But it was not meant to be. So it's time for some changes. I can no longer lean on you for my confidence. It must come from me. I must be strong, like you taught me. Now, as I approach yet another tomorrow, without you....I promise you this: I will try harder to fight the thoughts being fed to me. No, I am not perfect...If I understand this Christianity thing even a little---I NEVER will be. But I do KNOW that I am a great mom. I see it in my beautiful, smart mouthed, helmet wearing, fit throwing, sweet heart, intelligent, weirdo, sassy little girls every moment of every day. How could I be anything other than great?? I got it honest...
I love you bushel and a peck, hug around the neck, and ALL my heart.
Love,
Nikki
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